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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

I don't understand

Posted by on Apr. 7, 2014 at 8:32 AM
  • 15 Replies
1 mom liked this

Why do people believe that parents of Autistic children or ADHD children want their child to be labled? I was reading another post on CafeMom asking about the rise in diagnosis and everyone kept commenting that these moms just want their kid to be diagnosed so that they don't have to parent. They had the opinion that it was a way to explain away bad behavior. I didn't comment on the post because the ignorance being posted was astounding but I was saddened that this is a prevalent opinion. My children were never diagnosed because of "bad behavior." My oldest has ADHD and two of my other children have Autism and ADHD. Never did a teacher come to me and say, "Your child is out of control. You should have him tested." My oldest son could not control himself and it was evident from a young age that he had impulse control issues, but not bad behavior. My two children with Autism were diagnosed because of signs of Autism (and anxiety for my older boy) but never bad behavior (other than tantrums for my older one and I don't consider that bad behavior because it was not just to get his way). I am a strict mother and I hold my children to high standards. I approach them all on their level but I expect a lot out of all of them, diagnosis or not. And lack of discipline has never been the reason for my children's behavior. I know I am taking it personally but I think it is very sad that there is this opinion out there at all. 

I was told by my pediartrician not to have my 5 year old (now 6) tested because it was too early to label him. I had him tested against his advice. My opinion about the label is this; If I suspect my child has Autism and treat him that way and he does not, then I am doing harm. If I treat him as if he does not have Autism and he does, then I am doing him harm. Knowing that he has Autism has helped me to meet him where he is. I can decide whether he is just being stubborn or if the task is really too much for him. I don't "want" the labels on my children but the diagnosis is a tool I use to manage their education and their therapies so that they can grow up to be functioning adults. Without it, my son who is riddled with anxiety about school would never make it to middle school without a nervous breakdown. My son who has language delays and processing difficulties would not be one of the top kids in his Kindergarten class. I would not have known that "SnapWords" would help him get through sight words by appealing to the side of his brain that is most dominant when he is processing language.

 

by on Apr. 7, 2014 at 8:32 AM
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Rust.n.Gears
by Member on Apr. 7, 2014 at 8:41 AM
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I did comment on that post in MC. Most of the people talk without knowing anything about this life. They assume that every autistic child is a boy that is diagnosed when they get to school because they are out of control. I'm a girl and an Aspie. I was diagnosed when I was two and I was never out of control. My son was exactly the same. We are too controled. There are no tantrums. No tears. Almost emotionless. My family just wanted me to smile and to hug them back. 

You have to learn to actually ignore the negative comments and the ignorance. Ignorance just means they don't know. Their stupidity is not wanting to know more though. Ignore that too. They will never know. They don't give a damn too. I honestly was on this site for six years and very active and only recently came out as an Aspie. Many people were shocked and told me I can't be autistic because I'm not like "them" or because I'm an adult. 

If you can't handle the negativity the best bet is to stay out of posts like that. The women are just looking for a punching bag that they know they can get heated up and break. Even their words can get to you. 

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Apr. 7, 2014 at 8:45 AM
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Its funny... When looking at that last night I wondered the same thing... Then at bedtime I went to bed with this weeks book "the blessing of a skinned knee" by wendy mogul..a former child psychologist in LA who gave up her practice to study Judiasm.... And read this : 

I described my surprise and confusion when, after conducting tests and telling parents that their child was “within normal limits,” the parents were frequently disappointed. In their view, a diagnosable problem was better than a normal, natural limitation. A problem can be fixed, but a true limitation requires adjustment of expectations and acceptance of an imperfect son or daughter. Parents feel hope if their restless child is actually hyperactive, their dreamy child has ADD, their poor math student has a learning disorder, their shy child has a social phobia, their wrongdoing son has “intermittent explosive disorder.” If there is a diagnosis, specialists and tutors can be hired, drugs given, treatment plans made, and parents can maintain an illusion that the imperfection can be overcome. Their faith in their child’s unlimited potential is restored.

Why are parents so anxious to be raising perfect children? The answer is twofold: pride and fear of the future.

Laypeople call it bragging; psychologists describe it as “achievement by proxy syndrome.” Some parents use their children’s achievements for their own sense of security, personal glory, or the fulfillment of unfulfilled dreams. Even parents who don’t use their children as a hedge against existential fears or a badge of their own worth can find it hard not to succumb to the fever of competition.

When I began studying Judaism, one of the first things that struck me was how directly it spoke to the issue of parental pressure. According to Jewish thought, parents should not expect their children to be anyone other than who they are. A Hasidic teaching says, “If your child has a talent to be a baker, don’t tell him to be a doctor.” Judaism holds that every child is made in the divine image. When we ignore a child’s intrinsic strengths in an effort to push him toward our notion of extraordinary achievement, we are undermining God’s plan.

If the pressure to be special gets too intense, children end up in the therapist’s office suffering from sleep and eating disorders, chronic stomachaches, hair-pulling, depression, and other ailments. They are casualties of their parents’ drive for perfection. It was children such as these who spurred me to look outside standard therapeutic practices for ways to help. In Judaism I found an approach that respects children’s uniqueness while accepting them in all their ordinary glory.


so while I, the parent of an HFA, SPD, GAD 7 year old agree with you.. i too noticed the delay/ difference in my son early on.. And would NEVER, in a bazillion years wish for a DX, a DX helped me to understand and help my son.. BUT, in reading this passage last night, I could understand why some parents MAY look to a DX to explain away some "average." Or "complacency". We as parents want so much for our children... And I imagine it may be hard for some to accept their children as average... IF something is keeping them from being straight As or sharing, it must not be them.. It MUST be a DX. But I think those kids are a small percentage. :) 

raising kids is a rocky messy road filled with scattered skills... When there is a TRUE disorder, the scattering is immense... Lol... 

HUGS... 

wildchild.com
by Janine on Apr. 7, 2014 at 8:54 AM
I just ignore those people, why bother with such ignorance.
dawncs
by Dawn on Apr. 7, 2014 at 9:00 AM

 I would ignore them, too because they speak out of ignorance. They do not realize that we need to diagnose our kids to help them get services to help them reach their full potential in life as an adult. It also helps them get medical treatments and therapies that would not be covered othersie without a diagnosis.

jowen905
by Jan on Apr. 7, 2014 at 10:45 AM

I'm sure that those same people have misconstrued and ignorant opinions of quite a few things in life of which they have no experience.  I just ignore and don't even go there (figuratively and literally).  (Unless, of course, it's thrown in my face, then I can't and won't ignore it - e.g. an uncle of mine who made a stupid comment about my son and ASD in general, I will not ignore that!)

TheLadyAmalthea
by Bronze Member on Apr. 7, 2014 at 1:43 PM

Avoid those posts. Some people on this site have nothing else better to do with their time than to be hateful towards others. I don't even waste my time anymore with these yahoos.

darbyakeep45
by Darby on Apr. 7, 2014 at 2:16 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree here.

Quoting wildchild.com: I just ignore those people, why bother with such ignorance.


JTMOM422
by Brenda on Apr. 7, 2014 at 2:39 PM

 I know what group you are talking about. It was smart not saying anything in there. They are always bad mouthing mom who have kids with ADHD and ASD. It's something that they bring up all the time.

Rosebud27aj
by Amanda on Apr. 7, 2014 at 4:35 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree. I never bother with those posts or people.

Quoting wildchild.com: I just ignore those people, why bother with such ignorance.


luvnoah10
by Member on Apr. 7, 2014 at 9:20 PM

Exactly...my son would have never gotten his services he needs (speech,OT, feeding clinic, Mobile therapy, TSS, and social skills groups) without his diagnosis because he would not have otherwise qualified for MA which pays for all these services...

Quoting dawncs:

 I would ignore them, too because they speak out of ignorance. They do not realize that we need to diagnose our kids to help them get services to help them reach their full potential in life as an adult. It also helps them get medical treatments and therapies that would not be covered othersie without a diagnosis.


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