Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Munch with Mom.

Posted by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 4:24 PM
  • 10 Replies
This morning was munch with mom, at the public school. It was all the kids in the school that their last name was at the first half of the alphabet. I signed Nicolas and I to go. I was curious how he would do in the cafeteria and wanted to enjoy the morning with him. Afterwards the had a buy one book get one free book fair. So, I thought that would allow him to walk after eating.

I took his normal breakfast. (Forgot a cup for his drink) He did good with the long line so I could get a donut but as we got to the table he wanted to run. So, I grabbed his hand and went behind the table and grabbed what I wanted and went around everyone. He got a juice. We sat down and he started to eat his cereal and banana. (He won't feed himself) I tried by asking if he wanted the spoon. He told me no, so I didn't push. Then we had to sit in the middle of the table. The woman next to him was talking and taking pics of some of her kids friends at the table. Nicolas waited for her to stop talking and said hi. He was pretty loud. She turned her back on him. (That's when I noticed that the parents were giving me looks because I was feeding him!) I just told him to leave the lady alone. He then all of a sudden got very anxious. He was burying his head into me. I was able to rub his back and calm him. So, he finished most of the breakfast. I then made the mistake of looking up. I had a woman that actually looked at us and shook her head.

I wanted to be like Nicolas and bury my head somewhere. I wasn't embarrassed but it's hard for me to keep my mouth shut when people show ignorance from not understanding. And I knew not nice words would come out of my mouth in front of all these kids. So, we got through the breakfast and got out of that cafeteria.

Walked to the book fair and it was in a little room with a long line coming out. Might looked at Nick and he couldn't move anymore knowing he had to go in there. So, we just walked around the school and sat in the lobby till his teacher came. (I went to the book fair afterwards and gave his books to the teacher!)

Considering, he did excellent. A lot better than I would expected with the people that were around us. Does these instances ever get easier? Will we ever be able to do things like that without feeling like I'm an awful mom compared to everyone else? I know I'm not. It just feels that way. :(

Sry it's so long.
by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 4:24 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Momof4AEMW
by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 5:10 PM

Not going to say it gets easier, but you will come to realize you are not the 'awful mom' and that they are for making you feel that way.  This is not about you, or you doing what you son needs.  That makes you an AWESOME mom!!  This is about ignorance and sociatal views of how people think everyone should be.  I can sit anywhere in public and feed my 5.5 year old child her babyfood while smiling and giggling with her since she does not talk as though she is the only person in the room.  Because in that moment, she is.  I can not notice the stares, gawking, and questions and know that I'm a good mom and she's a great kid.  Hang in there Mama.  I think you will eventually make peace with your strength as a mom to be able to be ok in the most uncomfortable situation.  You are not the problem, your son is not the problem, societ's view is.  With time, hopefully awareness and acceptance will change that. 

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 5:52 PM

Im so sorry...
I totally get it. I suffer with this almost every day... I sometimes wish there was a tattoo or a label I could put on Sam so people would just say.. "Oh, I get it... Hes spectrumy  and he has poor OT skills... oh, his hand strength will develop over time... Its great she is helping him" Like if you were holding your childs hand who had difficulty walking due to an issue with their legs... I mean for goodness sakes, youd think these other moms would KNOW we DONT WANT to feed our kids.. we WANT them to feed themselves... sigh...
I know how it makes you cringe on the inside because you want to defend yourself and your son... but then you think "oh, this woman is a jerk...I dont need to".. but then it eats a piece of you up on the inside... and you worry she is at coffee with friends or at dinner saying "ugh, I saw this mom today feeding her kid who should have been feeding himself, he was like 4, can you believe it"... and YES, he SHOULD be.. but he CANT ...YET.. and you are working on it.. and HE is working on it... SIGH..
i have to tell you.. aside from Sams social avoidance, this is part of the reason I dont even attempt anything at school. Sam doesnt fit in. He is the square peg, the sore thumb.. and it has gotten increasing hard for me to hold him next to the round pegs.. not JUST for me.. but for HIM... He sees the difference. He wonders WHY he is different.. why other kids can _____.
It sucks. Im sorry I cant be more positive. Im in a bad bad place today after the FBA and Sam refusing school and just feeling like I have NO WAY to HELP MY OWN KID.. THIS F*$*ING TAKES A VILLAGE and Im on an ISLAND! ALONE.

jowen905
by Jan on Apr. 9, 2014 at 6:01 PM
1 mom liked this

 Some people have no sense of the world as more than just what they know and what they think is appropriate.  You and I both know that through our personal experiences, we can look at other people, their actions or lack of, and see differences, but not judge those differences.  Because we know that different people have different abilities, not right or wrong, just different.  I think we're pretty lucky people because we have such a more open, accepting and empathetic attitude - and we're pretty awesome, too.

You know, there are things your son will learn to do, things he'll struggle with and probably things he'll not be able to do.  That's okay - my 12 year old just recently learned how to use a knife to cut up his food - I always did it for him because it was so difficult and I felt we had more important hurdles to accomplish.  But he was ready and he did it!

How could you possibly be an awful mom?  That is so so far from the truth, you're a wonderful mom and Nick is lucky he has you on his side!  Hugs.

lady-J-Rock
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 7:31 PM
The whole idea behind the conference I went to yesterday was the more often we take our loved ones out and join activities and functions the more people see. The more they see the more acceptance there will be. Keep being an awesome mom. Don't allow others to make you feel like a lesser person you're great. You have compassion, strength, goals, dreams and hopes just like everyone else.
wildchild.com
by Janine on Apr. 9, 2014 at 7:37 PM
Sigh sometimes people just suck! I'm so sorry the other moms were so judgemental. Hugs!
Nickmom1118
by Nicole on Apr. 9, 2014 at 8:58 PM
I totally get you. I was thinking the exact same thing! That I feel like I'm on an island by myself.

Thanks for the response. It kinda did make me feel better. Nicolas doesn't know any difference yet. It was the looks from the parents when I was at the food table and Nicolas kept running to the window. So, I went around everyone and went through the back of the table. If looks could have killed. Lol. I don't understand the looks with me helping my 4 yr old eat. It was like I was doing one of the worst things a parent could have done! I was ready to leave. I don't know if I will ever do that again.


Quoting SamMom912:

Im so sorry... I totally get it. I suffer with this almost every day... I sometimes wish there was a tattoo or a label I could put on Sam so people would just say.. "Oh, I get it... Hes spectrumy  and he has poor OT skills... oh, his hand strength will develop over time... Its great she is helping him" Like if you were holding your childs hand who had difficulty walking due to an issue with their legs... I mean for goodness sakes, youd think these other moms would KNOW we DONT WANT to feed our kids.. we WANT them to feed themselves... sigh... I know how it makes you cringe on the inside because you want to defend yourself and your son... but then you think "oh, this woman is a jerk...I dont need to".. but then it eats a piece of you up on the inside... and you worry she is at coffee with friends or at dinner saying "ugh, I saw this mom today feeding her kid who should have been feeding himself, he was like 4, can you believe it"... and YES, he SHOULD be.. but he CANT ...YET.. and you are working on it.. and HE is working on it... SIGH.. i have to tell you.. aside from Sams social avoidance, this is part of the reason I dont even attempt anything at school. Sam doesnt fit in. He is the square peg, the sore thumb.. and it has gotten increasing hard for me to hold him next to the round pegs.. not JUST for me.. but for HIM... He sees the difference. He wonders WHY he is different.. why other kids can _____. It sucks. Im sorry I cant be more positive. Im in a bad bad place today after the FBA and Sam refusing school and just feeling like I have NO WAY to HELP MY OWN KID.. THIS F*$*ING TAKES A VILLAGE and Im on an ISLAND! ALONE.

darbyakeep45
by Darby on Apr. 10, 2014 at 5:43 AM

Hugs mama....people give me strange looks all the time because I feed Brady.  I know this is hard!  

TheJerseyGirl
by Michele on Apr. 10, 2014 at 8:36 AM

 The only reason you feel bad is because of the ignorance of people shaking their head and knowing you see it. That's the sign of a mother who has never had to deal with what you do. I hate to see other mothers so unsympathetic when they have small children of their own. Don;t let their stares make you feel bad, I think you are an amazing mother to Nicolas!

Dillon will be 13 Saturday and I still do the back rubs. Those back rubs say so much to me. It's my way of loving and calming him in front of others, letting him know I think he's awesome, the hurt I feel for him and all the words I want to help him with or take away but can't. So when I read that you were rubbing his back, I started to cry. 

mypbandj
by Jen on Apr. 10, 2014 at 9:36 AM
Hugs. I'm sorry you had to experience that. I remember being at a training for work where we had to watch a video on feeding. It had all types: kids getting messy, parents literally tossing the food at the child and a mother feeding her six yr old with a spoon. Of course the video provoked strong responses but the point of it for the training was basically to teach us to be tolerant of other people's choices.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Nickmom1118
by Nicole on Apr. 10, 2014 at 1:58 PM
Awe! I rub his back to try to calm him without him climbing on top of me. When he gets too bad, he will literally climb on me and want me to carry him and hug him. I really need to realize that it's ok for Nicolas to be different. I love his differences but hate how hard it can be.

Quoting TheJerseyGirl:

 The only reason you feel bad is because of the ignorance of people shaking their head and knowing you see it. That's the sign of a mother who has never had to deal with what you do. I hate to see other mothers so unsympathetic when they have small children of their own. Don;t let their stares make you feel bad, I think you are an amazing mother to Nicolas!


Dillon will be 13 Saturday and I still do the back rubs. Those back rubs say so much to me. It's my way of loving and calming him in front of others, letting him know I think he's awesome, the hurt I feel for him and all the words I want to help him with or take away but can't. So when I read that you were rubbing his back, I started to cry. 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)