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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

What can i do

Posted by on Apr. 13, 2014 at 6:54 AM
  • 7 Replies

ok, so for all who know me, i have a 4 year old with adhd, autism, odd and a list of things, and i have been fighting a custody battle with a nasty ex who wants to take me for 50% custody.

well, until it all goes to court after the family report and all, he got visitation. and that is where it starts to go bad, he refuses to do any of the things i suggest to take care of the child, introduces him to strangers in his house (big no no for brad, one of his biggest things) and refuses to follow any kind of routine, and wont tell me what is happening to prep brad in advance. as a result, each visit is ok, (the whole autism thing of behaving for a stranger until they get comfortable, and then acting normal, now he is doing the behaving thing, him and his dad were never close) and then at night when its bedtime he loses it, starts screaming, monsters (only when hes upset) and alternating between kicking and screaming, cuddling, not wanting me to touch him, then freaking out crying for me. and this happens most weeks, and was worse last week when his dad cancelled late and brad blamed me and wouldnt let me get close for 2 days!

i guess the whole thing is, with the dad not listening and not about to change, cause the ahole thinks his way is the best way (mind you he did nothing with this child at all over the last 4 years, wouldnt even sit through a therapy session, hasnt seen him in 9 months and has no idea what he needs or is really like when he is settled) is there anything i can do to help calm bradley, settle him, make it less stressful for him, because eventually the stress will go when he is there and not want to go, and then thats another fight on my hands. i need to be able to make him feel better, and i dont seem to be able to do that at the moment, and any ideas on how to reduce his stress would help. i have asked his dad to set up a routine or let me know what he is doing so i can prep brad, but have had no luck with that as of yet, so any ideas, cause routine is vital for this little boy.

any help on helping him calm down when he gets home and making it easier on him so he isnt hurting so bad, or hurting himself, would be great.

thanks for reading i know it was a long one. thanks for caring

by on Apr. 13, 2014 at 6:54 AM
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Replies (1-7):
Momof4AEMW
by Gold Member on Apr. 13, 2014 at 9:31 AM

I'm sorry you are both having to go through this.  I have no advice but hope it works out.  Really your ex needs to better understand your son, his needs, and autism.  I'm not sure you can change that though,  If your son starts melting down on his watch, maybe he'll start to realize he needs to do something different.  Or maybe you could ask for supervised visitation where you are there too to help your son.  I'd just document how he is when he comes home and such and talk to your attorney about if you have any options.  Hugs! 

mypbandj
by Jen on Apr. 13, 2014 at 11:56 PM
Hugs! That has to be SO hard. I can't even imagine. Please document everything!! And share it with therapists and your lawyer.
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darbyakeep45
by Darby on Apr. 14, 2014 at 5:46 AM

Hugs mama...good luck!

TheJerseyGirl
by Michele on Apr. 14, 2014 at 5:48 AM

 What a tough time you must be going through!

Is there any chance you could make a chart for him to follow? Would his Dad reinforce that at all?

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Apr. 14, 2014 at 6:53 AM

Wow.. I seee why he is your ex... Good riddance, so sorry your son srill has to deal with this,., 

anyway,, Id wonder if setting up a routine for him to follow before he leave at your house (comfort exoectation) and a routine to follow once he gets home (comfort expectarion) or some special thing the two of you do together that you both enjoy (a video, a game, a book, a meal?) to help him kind of instantly recharge after the chaos that is his dads house? Im unsure how verbal he is.. (Im guessing ok if your DH can "fake his way" thru believing your son isnt spectrumy..lol) but maybe talk to him about setting up fun times (and what he thinks is fun) for you guys to reconnect after visits with dad. 

Hugs!!! Rough spot. 

tonijoy79
by Member on Apr. 14, 2014 at 8:16 AM

thanks for the responses guys. as far as i can see, he believes he can do better, so wont do anything i suggest to make it easier for bradley. he wants to do the stuff i tell him  not to, without effect there to prove that im lying and just trying to make it seem worse than what it is. he doesnt understand that since things are new there, he will remain calm in front of his father and lose it when hes safe at home. my ex keeps thinking well im his dad, my house is safe, doesnt understand the new thing. and sunday introduced him to strangers in that new house! and monday night again, not settling for sleep, same as sunday night. i am documenting everything, i keep a sleep log diary thing, and today took a video of bradley losing it to the point he puked, he doesnt get to that point unless he is really stressed, he has been using his words a lot. he is verbal, but a fair way behind, but coming far, but the father doesnt even want to hear about what we are doing with speech or how to help, he just wants formal reports that he can read, and use to prove im a bad mother cause my son cant talk properly! i like the routine idea from sammom, cause that day is completely lost, and so is he, i will try to put that in place.

thanks so much all of you for the answers, and for caring enough to answer, it means a lot that i can just vent some of all that i am going through on here. there is so much going on, this doesnt help on top of it, but i am so grateful you are here to help, it means the world to me, just knowing im not alone and that people care enough to take the time to answer.

JTMOM422
by Brenda on Apr. 14, 2014 at 10:19 AM

I would document all this for court. If you can get it on video too that would be great. Dad not following routines is only making things worse and he seems not to care.

as for help calming I would try soothing music or if he will let him write or draw his feelings. This may help him release the pent up emotions in a better way

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