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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Resentment because of siblings

Posted by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 2:17 PM
  • 11 Replies
I read mom confessions from time to time. I read a post this morning about an adult daughter angry with mom because mom missed a ceremony due to autistic brother. Now, all of my kids, except my youngest have an asd diagnosis, however, my older two are mild and very high functioning. My 3 daughter is more affected and needs a lot of help, though is still high functioning. I have often wondered if my older two and youngest would grow up and end up angry and resentful of my third daughter because we miss a lot of things because of her. I try very hard to have a balance and do things with and without extra help. But I still feel like they miss out on a lot. How do you balance it all?
by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 2:17 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Momof4AEMW
by Gold Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 2:30 PM

I have three sn kids and one nt.  my hubs and I usually take turns going to my nt son's things so he always has someone there.  He understands we can't all go, and in reality he does not like it when I do take everyone due to the attention it causes.  This is the only way my kids will ever know, so I don't think he feels he is missing out, it just is.

Charizma77
by Carissa on Apr. 26, 2014 at 2:49 PM

Fortunately we have babysitters that are great with Ashton so we leave him home so we don't miss out... If we can't find a sitter only dh or I will go.. my ds can go to some things like dd's soccer game today but her dance recital last year we got a babysitter for him and our toddler..didnt trust either of them to sit and be quiet for thatlong. It is always a balancing act for us, I can't even imagine when my 2 yo's activities start...I really wish my parents would move closer than 2 hours away! 

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:22 PM
2 moms liked this

We have 1. 

Dr.Ross Greene and Dr. richard Lavoie both have stuff in their books on handling siblings with asd... Or ither disabilities ---How parents can be aware/fair.  Dr. greene had 2 radio shows (blogtalkradio) -- free---- with interviews with siblings with questions, etc. This past January... But I only have 1 kid, so I listened, but really didnt take it in, LOL.. 

lavoies book is "its so much work to be your friend" and it had 2/3 chaoters on sibling relationships. Maybe check them out of your local library, 

darbyakeep45
by Darby on Apr. 27, 2014 at 8:08 AM

We only have one child.  I can't imagine.  Hugs!

Jenn8604
by on Apr. 27, 2014 at 9:05 AM
I only have the one. I'm single and will be the rest of my life, because there isn't a man out the worthy of my time or my son's (they all stop talking to me when I say autism), so I will always have only one.
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dawncs
by Dawn on Apr. 27, 2014 at 10:18 AM

 Your dd has still great potential being high functioning in life. As she gets older, she can improve in ways with her education and therapies. It is a lot of work right now, but it will pay off. If you handle it right, there will be no resentment.

JTMOM422
by Brenda on Apr. 27, 2014 at 11:24 AM
I understand this feeling. I have the same fear. I have to constantly tell dd NT that we can't do this on that because of school for my son or therapies. Or that we can go somewhere because her brother is not handling something very well. I fear the day she starts to resent us for this. We try to do things just for her that is all about her
kinshipcaremama
by on Apr. 27, 2014 at 12:24 PM

That mother missed her daughter's college graduation!  I think the daughter is right to be upset.  Graduationis one of the biggest events in a person's life.  Of course the daughter wanted her parents to attend.  The mother should have been better prepared. 

Mom's of younger kids, take this a a life lesson so you don't make the same mistakes.  Allow your children to get used to other caregivers.  There may be a time when you can't take care of your child and it will be less traumatic to everyone if the child knows how to handle being with someone besides Mom and Dad.

lady-J-Rock
by Bronze Member on Apr. 27, 2014 at 2:02 PM
Yeah we leave Xavier with a few different care givers. We haven't missed anything or not gone anywhere. If it comes down to it one parent will go the other stays home. If dh or I can't go we find someone else to go. Aunt, uncle, grandparents, very close family friends.
Dh and I both hated being put on the back burner for other siblings. Happened quite a bit. We originally planned on two kids. But our third child was an unexpected gift.
03071012
by Bronze Member on Apr. 27, 2014 at 2:10 PM
We leave my younger daughters with respite once in a while to do things with my older daughters. Things that aren't appropriate for a 2 year old and my 4 year old can't handle. I still feel bad though because we miss out on so many field trips (home school) and other activities because of my 4 year old.

I hope and pray that when we move again, we get to go back to my home town where we will have my family and more support. If my dh's home town had an Air Force base I'd want to go there. Where we are now we don't have much for support.

For the record, I knew that it was because the mother had missed the college graduation. I would never miss something like that because of my daughter. I would find some one to watch her. I just meant resentment in general. I don't want my kids to feel like they missed out.
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