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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

Anger, lying, frustration and attitude....

Posted by on Jun. 13, 2014 at 7:14 AM
  • 22 Replies

Hi ladies, anyone with an older boy who has been through this and has a little advice? My son has had a terrible year at school and has resulting to lying his way out of things, throwing temper fits and breaking down in tears when he has just had enough. At least he is talking about what is bothering him finally and I am working closely with the school to fix things (IEP next week) but I don't know how to rebuild his trust, get him to stop lying, get him back to the dear sweet boy he was not long ago. Any advice? Ideas?   Thanks ladies...I am actually considering talking to his doctor about meds, something I thought I would NEVER do...xo

by on Jun. 13, 2014 at 7:14 AM
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Replies (1-10):
SamMom912
by Gold Member on Jun. 13, 2014 at 7:36 AM
1 mom liked this

Hugs Kari... Poor Luca... :( im wondering in all this talking if he feels like youre on his team? On his side? We ALL lie, decieve and avoid when things are too tough and we cant handle them. We lie out of feeling we have let someone down/ or getting into trouble for disappointing.. But he lies to cover up because he CANT.. Not because he wont. Im thinking you need to wipe the slate clean.. Talk to him. Promise him you will always listen t him, hear him out, weigh HIS concerns in.. You wont make decisions about him without him.. And without explaining your side providing he listens to you... Im guessing after this rough year there is little mutual respect... Its taken a beating. :( 

lying, fits, crying, irritability all sounds like unbearable stress... :( in all honesty Kari, I recently read your child in the balance and kids on Meds By kevin. Kalicow, and hubby and I met with him in his office. I too NEVER thought Id give into meds, but I felt like Sams anxiety was getting in his way all over. It was pervasive... So for the kast 4 weeks sam has been taking an anti anxiety med, very low dose, it took 3 weeks before we saw any difference and supposedly 5 before full effects take place.. And well, its been better. Im not an advocate for meds.. But I felt like we really had no choice,.. Its temporary. This "break" will help Sam learn some new coping skills and then we can see where we are. :) 

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Jun. 13, 2014 at 7:48 AM

I just want to add that I dont think its you that has taught kuca that you wont listen or hear his concerns.. Im guessing is school. :( 

MamaLauri
by Bronze Member on Jun. 13, 2014 at 8:19 AM
2 moms liked this

Talking to him and understanding him is the first right steps.

Separate the school issues from your relationship issues.

Why do you feel he does not trust you? Do you feel he is justified? Have you been his strong advocate at school? Find out what he is looking for.

What is going on at school? Who is logging his triggers? Is he being taught how to recognize his triggers and gage his emotional intensity? What is his school support system? Are they on board?

It might take some time, but kids, and people in general, respond well to sincere lasting understanding and support. It might be helpful to make a list of each of your desires so you can start tracking how well they are being met. It is easy to forget gains when your are still in pain. Remember both of you are in pain. His is greater because he is forced into a world he does not understand, and does not feel he fits. You need to be the model for him of putting emotions aside, keeping calm, and addressing the problems.

gramsg
by New Member on Jun. 13, 2014 at 9:53 AM
1 mom liked this

Good for you for scheduling an IEP.  This sounds like a perfect time to get the classroom and the other offerings in tune with your son present needs.  This is a time of transition and you are the one who holds the image of that dear, sweet boy.  That child (the sweet one) is always there and you are the one who can watch for him and nurture him.  The angry, confused one needs love and discipline too.  Discipline meaning gentle boundaries and consistent expectations that are lovingly applied.  Times of transition are always difficult so be sure to take good care of yourself.  He needs you.

ineedcoffeemom
by Brittaney on Jun. 13, 2014 at 10:48 AM

This sounds like what my nephew went through when we finally got dxed with aspergers. He was around 14 and finally couldn't handle his changing feelings due to puberty hormones. He wasn't getting help through an IEP at that time, but when they set one up my aunt also got him one on one counseling. She said that is what helped him the most. Finding a person who won't judge anything you say or feel and help you work through everything.

So I'd suggest, if he doesn't already have a counselor or psychologist, to see one. And ofcourse working with school like you are will definitely help too. Getting my nephew an IEP definitely made things better for him. Just remember that your son is getting older, even though you absolutely DO want these behaviors to stop, he's not exactly going to be your sweet boy anymore. He's going to start seeing himself as older and trying to figure out what it means to be a teenage boy and eventually a young man. So maybe showing him your understanding that he's growing up and you want to him help become a good, strong, independent yet loving man ...... letting him know that you don't want to force him to still be a boy .... maybe that could lead you guys in the right direction?

MomOfOneCoolKid
by Gold Member on Jun. 13, 2014 at 11:25 AM

 

Quoting SamMom912:

Hugs Kari... Poor Luca... :( im wondering in all this talking if he feels like youre on his team? On his side? We ALL lie, decieve and avoid when things are too tough and we cant handle them. We lie out of feeling we have let someone down/ or getting into trouble for disappointing.. But he lies to cover up because he CANT.. Not because he wont. Im thinking you need to wipe the slate clean.. Talk to him. Promise him you will always listen t him, hear him out, weigh HIS concerns in.. You wont make decisions about him without him.. And without explaining your side providing he listens to you... Im guessing after this rough year there is little mutual respect... Its taken a beating. :( 

lying, fits, crying, irritability all sounds like unbearable stress... :( in all honesty Kari, I recently read your child in the balance and kids on Meds By kevin. Kalicow, and hubby and I met with him in his office. I too NEVER thought Id give into meds, but I felt like Sams anxiety was getting in his way all over. It was pervasive... So for the kast 4 weeks sam has been taking an anti anxiety med, very low dose, it took 3 weeks before we saw any difference and supposedly 5 before full effects take place.. And well, its been better. Im not an advocate for meds.. But I felt like we really had no choice,.. Its temporary. This "break" will help Sam learn some new coping skills and then we can see where we are. :) 

Your child in the balance -- is that a book? 

MomOfOneCoolKid
by Gold Member on Jun. 13, 2014 at 11:27 AM

 

Quoting MamaLauri:

Talking to him and understanding him is the first right steps.

Separate the school issues from your relationship issues.

Why do you feel he does not trust you? Do you feel he is justified? Have you been his strong advocate at school? Find out what he is looking for.

What is going on at school? Who is logging his triggers? Is he being taught how to recognize his triggers and gage his emotional intensity? What is his school support system? Are they on board?

It might take some time, but kids, and people in general, respond well to sincere lasting understanding and support. It might be helpful to make a list of each of your desires so you can start tracking how well they are being met. It is easy to forget gains when your are still in pain. Remember both of you are in pain. His is greater because he is forced into a world he does not understand, and does not feel he fits. You need to be the model for him of putting emotions aside, keeping calm, and addressing the problems.

Wow. I'm so glad I read this! 

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Jun. 13, 2014 at 1:56 PM
1 mom liked this

 Yes, your child in the balance by Kalikow... is a book. :) A good one... if youre considering medication. His newer book is Kids on Meds.. I honestly only got 1/2 way thru that... (he gave it to use at our meeting) I only got half way cause someone else recommended "Learned Optimism" that I thought was an important book for me to read... hmmmm, who was that... oh, it was YOU! :)
Am 1/2 way thru Learned Optimism...and 1/2 way thru Disconnected Kids.

Quoting MomOfOneCoolKid:

 

Quoting SamMom912:

Hugs Kari... Poor Luca... :( im wondering in all this talking if he feels like youre on his team? On his side? We ALL lie, decieve and avoid when things are too tough and we cant handle them. We lie out of feeling we have let someone down/ or getting into trouble for disappointing.. But he lies to cover up because he CANT.. Not because he wont. Im thinking you need to wipe the slate clean.. Talk to him. Promise him you will always listen t him, hear him out, weigh HIS concerns in.. You wont make decisions about him without him.. And without explaining your side providing he listens to you... Im guessing after this rough year there is little mutual respect... Its taken a beating. :( 

lying, fits, crying, irritability all sounds like unbearable stress... :( in all honesty Kari, I recently read your child in the balance and kids on Meds By kevin. Kalicow, and hubby and I met with him in his office. I too NEVER thought Id give into meds, but I felt like Sams anxiety was getting in his way all over. It was pervasive... So for the kast 4 weeks sam has been taking an anti anxiety med, very low dose, it took 3 weeks before we saw any difference and supposedly 5 before full effects take place.. And well, its been better. Im not an advocate for meds.. But I felt like we really had no choice,.. Its temporary. This "break" will help Sam learn some new coping skills and then we can see where we are. :) 

Your child in the balance -- is that a book? 

 

darbyakeep45
by Darby on Jun. 13, 2014 at 4:21 PM

Hugs Kari...I'm so sorry it's been a rough year for you guys.  I honestly have no advice but I wanted to comment that I'm thinking about you!

lucasmadre
by Kari on Jun. 13, 2014 at 5:13 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you for the advice and the book suggestion. You are SO right about the starting from scratch and rebuilding trust for both of us. There are a lot of feelings and we have to start the summer on a new footing. He is a good boy but if you hear often enough you aren't then you start to believe it. School was a complete was this year but the good news is he loved school before this and I think we can turn it around. It isn't too late. I get why you are trying meds for Sam and there is no judgment here...I may end up in the same boat. He has a physical soon and he ASKED to go talk to his doctor. He is seeing our family therapist every other week too which seems to help a whole lot. Thanks again for the support and for understanding how complicated this whole thing is, it is hard not to blame yourself so thank you for helping me move forward.  xo

Quoting SamMom912:

I just want to add that I dont think its you that has taught kuca that you wont listen or hear his concerns.. Im guessing is school. :( 


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