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Discipline ASD vs. NT.

Posted by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 9:40 PM
  • 18 Replies
I am already dealing with Nicolas' regressing behavior. But I am also dealing with my NT nephew and his issues. Nick is 4 and my nephew is 5. They are a little over a year apart. My mother thinks that if I punish my nephew, that Nick should be punished the exact same way. I don't know if I agree. (I want your opinions but please no judgement. I'm doing my best)

Nicolas is smart but in his socialization and some aspects, he is like a 2 yr old. It breaks my heart. But my nephew is nt and should understand a lot more. Let me give you an example. Nick took his juice and was spitting it on the carpet. My nephew then put juice in his mouth and spit it all over Nick. I asked my nephew why. He said it was fun and nick spit it on the floor. So, he got his electronics taken away for 1 day. And Nick had to clean the carpet with a wet rag. (After he was cleaned up and dry) my mom said that wasn't fair!

Another example is that my nephew was jumping on the couch several times. He got 2 warnings and 3 time outs. So, the 6th time, he had to go to bed early. My mom said that I only tell nick to stop jumping in the couch. He doesn't get punished for it. (The truth is, I never CATCH nick more than twice.)

I just don't know if I'm doing right. I don't want my nephew to think I'm favoring nick over him. But I also know that Nick has needs that have to be met to teach him certain things.

Help!!!
by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 9:40 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Momof4AEMW
by Platinum Member on Jun. 29, 2014 at 10:03 PM

I have three 5 year olds.  I discipline them to what their developmental age is capable of being expected to perform.  It wouldn't make sense to discipline a 18 mo old, 2-3 year old, and 4-5 year old the same way all the time.  I don't not discipline them because they have a disability, I have high expectations for them learning right from wrong.  But for them to learn from it they have to be capable of understanding.  Depending on the situation, they may not have the same punishment, but they have what they need to learn the lesson from.  Other times they may all have the same timeout, no tv or punishment.  There are also some things they get an out on as their disability does not allow them to meet the expectation.  Then it is a learning lesson for all of us to better understand their disabilities.

in your case with the spitting, it is hard.  In a way I think the nephew deserved a harsher punishment like you did because he spit on a person.  That is just never right.  At the same time, Nick shouldn't be spitting at all, and if he wasn't being punished and nephew is copying because it is cool to do and Nick gets away with it when he does it, why wouldn't the nephew spit?  Tough call.  Parenting is hard! 

Nickmom1118
by Nicole on Jun. 29, 2014 at 10:13 PM
Thanks. That is how I'm approaching it now. On what they are capable of understanding developmentally.

I did forget to put in the OP that Nick used to spit as a sensory thing. It's one of his behaviors that I think has come back with the summer. But usually it isn't juice. That's why I made him clean it up with a wet rag. (Something he doesn't like) but taking something away for a sensory thing, I didn't think it would be appropriate. I don't know. Maybe I'm looking at it wrong.

But the 5 yr old is copying all of nicks behaviors and thinking he can get away with it. I just don't know what to do to stop it!


Quoting Momof4AEMW:

I have three 5 year olds.  I discipline them to what their developmental age is capable of being expected to perform.  It wouldn't make sense to discipline a 18 mo old, 2-3 year old, and 4-5 year old the same way all the time.  I don't not discipline them because they have a disability, I have high expectations for them learning right from wrong.  But for them to learn from it they have to be capable of understanding.  Depending on the situation, they may not have the same punishment, but they have what they need to learn the lesson from.  Other times they may all have the same timeout, no tv or punishment.  There are also some things they get an out on as their disability does not allow them to meet the expectation.  Then it is a learning lesson for all of us to better understand their disabilities.

in your case with the spitting, it is hard.  In a way I think the nephew deserved a harsher punishment like you did because he spit on a person.  That is just never right.  At the same time, Nick shouldn't be spitting at all, and if he wasn't being punished and nephew is copying because it is cool to do and Nick gets away with it when he does it, why wouldn't the nephew spit?  Tough call.  Parenting is hard! 

SamMom912
by Platinum Member on Jun. 29, 2014 at 10:16 PM

Id wonder if the expectation for your nephew just needs ro be set clearer for him, I dont really like punishments and I feel we really do learn just fine by being asked respectfully what to do. If you catch your newphew jumping on the couch. He should understand. When you call him over calmly and explain that jumping on the couch is dangerous, he could fall off, get hurt, he could break the couch.. Both of these are very upsetting and could he please not do that, IF he needs to go jump, (direct him where he can jump) NT kids need sensory info too as their bodies are growing and learning. So again, giving him the "this is what you can do... " 

Setting clear expections and giving safe alternatives show everyone respect. There is no reason you should have to discipline them differently, but discipline doesnt meant their actions warrant punishments, discipline means you talm with them at their level and problem solve the issues as hand. 

I think there is nothing wrong with saying to your nephew, if nick spits, its not ok... i dont like it from him and I dont like it from you. please dont spit... IF you need to spit, please use the sink.. And leave it.. Honestly, I dont believe that a punishment reinforces a behavior as well as prostively thanking him for NOT jumping on the couch, ir NOT spitting..or just a super job of listening when he is doing a nice job on slmething for u. All kids want to please.. They do.. We just need to give them positive opportunities to do so and show them what a great job they are doing... 

JTMOM422
by Platinum Member on Jun. 29, 2014 at 10:24 PM

I know that your nephew is still young but like you said they may be close in age but Nick is more socially like a 2 year old. That is how he needs to be handled. He wouldn't understand the punishment the way a 5 year old would. You could always make a consequence board and then the punishment would be known before hand. Your mom needs to try and understand the Nick is not your nephew and your nephew is not Nick. Our kids need a little more accomondations.

Nickmom1118
by Nicole on Jun. 29, 2014 at 10:28 PM
Thanks and I always enjoy your input. That is what I have been trying but it has been getting worse. That's what I meant by giving 2 warnings about jumping. He just kept saying Nick did it and it's fun. (They are driving me crazy lately!!!)

On top of Nick not being able to play like he should, so he is being ignored. I just am drained.

I am going to try more positive reinforcers with both boys. Thanks again. We will see if it works.


Quoting SamMom912:

Id wonder if the expectation for your nephew just needs ro be set clearer for him, I dont really like punishments and I feel we really do learn just fine by being asked respectfully what to do. If you catch your newphew jumping on the couch. He should understand. When you call him over calmly and explain that jumping on the couch is dangerous, he could fall off, get hurt, he could break the couch.. Both of these are very upsetting and could he please not do that, IF he needs to go jump, (direct him where he can jump) NT kids need sensory info too as their bodies are growing and learning. So again, giving him the "this is what you can do... " 

Setting clear expections and giving safe alternatives show everyone respect. There is no reason you should have to discipline them differently, but discipline doesnt meant their actions warrant punishments, discipline means you talm with them at their level and problem solve the issues as hand. 

I think there is nothing wrong with saying to your nephew, if nick spits, its not ok... i dont like it from him and I dont like it from you. please dont spit... IF you need to spit, please use the sink.. And leave it.. Honestly, I dont believe that a punishment reinforces a behavior as well as prostively thanking him for NOT jumping on the couch, ir NOT spitting..or just a super job of listening when he is doing a nice job on slmething for u. All kids want to please.. They do.. We just need to give them positive opportunities to do so and show them what a great job they are doing... 

MamaLauri
by Silver Member on Jun. 30, 2014 at 6:50 AM
2 moms liked this

What does your nephew understand about Nick's challenges? Can you recruite your nephew to be the "older" peer mentor for Nick, showing Nick the "social ropes"? 

mypbandj
by Jen on Jun. 30, 2014 at 7:55 AM
It's early and I'm in a hotel room, the only one awake, and so forgive my choppy reply. lol

Just as a basic discipline technique, I avoid warnings. It's like saying, I don't like that behavior but you can do it ( two, three times) before I'll expect you to stop. Just stop it. Right then. If anyone is jumping, make them get off the couch. That alone can be the consequence. Really no need to "punish." Discipline is teaching. So you can give them an alternative, like a indoor trampoline (we have one in the living room) or playing outside to expel energy but the consequence is not being allowed on the couch. Does that make sense?

I think you handled the juice thing perfectly. Spitting on a person is very different than spitting on the floor.

My son was an extreme sensory seeker. EXTREME!! And yes we did discipline for it. Yes, we did provide him sensory experiences to help but he still had to learn how to be appropriate. He couldn't just go around pushing kids and me saying, well it's just sensory so he can't help it wasn't going to fly. I know dh would never have tolerated spitting in the house. We would have had to find an alternative ASAP.

Some sensory things effect functioning - I must wear certain shoes and socks that don't touch my feet in a specific way or else I cannot tolerate life and I become cranky and mad and I cannot think.
Some kids cannot tolerate loud noises and it makes them extremely upset therefore they need headphones to function or a change in environment.

My son, a sensory seeker desired and looked for any and all sensory input. I'm sure that he would have gone crazy if we forced him to just sit still and never move. He wanted to climb and jump and run. He had that need. It made him feel good. But we had to set up the boundaries because he wasn't allowed to do all that inside the house. Even if it was his sensory system screaming for input.

What I'm saying is, don't think you can't discipline (teach) because it's part of a child's sensory processing. I did lots of redirection as well as setting up opportunities for him. But I also set up boundaries and even gave consequences for unacceptable behavior.

Also remember that your nephew while nt, he also has sensory needs or preferences. All people do. He would also benefit from a good sensory diet.
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MixedCooke
by Group Admin on Jun. 30, 2014 at 10:48 AM
Timeouts work for my 4 yr old ASD and my 6.5 yr old NST
lady_katie
by on Jun. 30, 2014 at 11:34 AM
Thats a tough one, and I don't have any experience with something like that. On the surface, it seems like the right way to handle it to me. I would say to try to just emphasize to your nephew that they are different kids and different ages, so they get different punishments. Probably easier said than done.
Nickmom1118
by Nicole on Jun. 30, 2014 at 12:50 PM
Well, my nephew sees a therapist to help him deal with everyday situations. (His mom commited suicide and now he lives with me instead of dad) so, I mentioned what was going on. She is starting to talk to him and said she will keep working on the concept that Nicolas' brain works different than his. That some things he can't understand and needs some extra time to learn. I like the way she explained it. For him to understand, she told him to imagine that Nick had only 1 leg. And she told him to walk across the room. And then told Nick with one leg to walk across the room. Would he be able to? His response was NO! and then went on about how his brain is different and we can't ask things of him that he can't understand. I think it helped.

Quoting lady_katie: Thats a tough one, and I don't have any experience with something like that. On the surface, it seems like the right way to handle it to me. I would say to try to just emphasize to your nephew that they are different kids and different ages, so they get different punishments. Probably easier said than done.
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