Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

I'm not sure how to handle this.

Posted by on Jul. 19, 2014 at 9:38 AM
Jen
  • 39 Replies
Liam is 4. He is such a different kid compared to my other two. He's much quicker to anger and frustration and says what's on his mind.

And now let's add in my husband who is maybe too sensitive and is getting his feelings hurt by a 4 yr old.

With our oldest, dh could say/do anything he wanted because B was/is the type to just take it. He internalizes everything and he takes everything out on himself. So just understand, that while I don't agree, the relationship between B and dh is that dh could fuss or yell at him and B would pretty much never push back and would always comply.

My middle child and only girl, M, is different than her big brother. Dh is wrapped around her finger though. And if he wants something from her or is frustrated with her, he won't fuss or yell or ever be as harsh as he would be at B for the same thing because she will yell back. So he always has been more gentle with her and he calls it "watering the flowers." (Side note - this has always pissed me off because I don't think they're treated fairly).

Okay now add in Liam, the 4 yr old. He's quick to anger too but unlike his sister, there's no "watering of the flowers" to lessen the blow so to speak. You're either pissing him off or you're not. And he will tell you straight up.

Lately he's been angry at dh. I don't even know what about. But last night he told him something like, "you're being a big giant jerk." I told Liam he wasn't being nice and we don't call people names and told him to say sorry. So be goes over to dh and says, "sorry dad. Never be a big giant jerk again."

How do you handle it when the kid just says what's on his mind? Dh has his feelings hurt and I'm trying to tell him, Liam is 4. He doesn't have a filter. He wears his feelings on his sleeve and says whatever he is feeling and to stop giving him attention for it. I've been trying to redirect Liam, give him words for his emotions: you're angry. You don't like that. That makes you frustrated.

I don't know what else to do. And I'm not sure how to gage how serious this behavior is.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Jul. 19, 2014 at 9:38 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Nickmom1118
by Nicole on Jul. 19, 2014 at 10:20 AM
Not really sure. My 4 yr old says the same type of stuff. But doesn't have a good vocabulary yet. He will say, I hate you, you not my best friend anymore, or u hurt my heart! (Which he got from the show doc!) I was able to get him to use his words more by role playing with his favorite stuffed animal. I would make his stuffed animal hit me and then I would describe how I felt. And several different emotions like that. It took awhile for him to catch on.

(A side note, my DH is a push over with Nick)
Logansmom1999
by Kristina on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:06 AM

DH is a push over with Morgan (also the only girl) and she has a potty mouth. He just tunes her out when she is in a mood. Logan on the other hand, Dh is always after him for something. And Logan is very low functioning! He acts out in other ways besides verbal. I understand him getting on him for being physical. But there is definitely room for some slack.

MamaLauri
by Bronze Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:49 AM

It sounds like you are doing the right things.

Let your DH know that Liam using words when angry is a very good thing rather than angry/aggressive behavior. Now that Liam can express himself, start teaching him to express himself when his feelings are milder, before he reaches anger. Teach him calming procedures. In executive function speak, "self-monitoring".

mypbandj
by Jen on Jul. 19, 2014 at 1:05 PM
That's great advice. I need to figure out a way to help Liam from getting so angry. Sometimes it's hard though because other people are helping to add to the frustration.

Like this morning we were all in the car. Liam wanted the iPad and wouldn't stop whining for it. My dd kept telling him "too bad" and "tough" and other crappy 14 yr old remarks, despite us telling her to stop. That only make Liam totally pissed.

We get to the farmers market and I let dh and Liam, who is in full screaming mode now, out if the car and I go park it.

Turns out, while I'm parking the car. Dh is giving Liam a firm lecture so by the time I get to them, Liam is red eyed and telling me he doesn't like his dad anymore and telling dh to get away from him. And then dh is all butt hurt. And he wants me to punish Liam for saying that.

I don't know what to do with this. I feel like it's everyone else being fuc*ing ridiculous on top of Liam's inability to get over stupid stuff like an iPad. And then it's all compounded and everyone ends up pissed off and miserable.

Yesterday I took Liam to a local toy store where they offer a drum circle. Free preschool music class. It was awesome but too loud for Liam so we left and he tantrumed about wanting all the people to leave him alone and he wanted everyone to go home so he could be in the store alone. It was just him and me and I was able to help him past that ridiculous idea of making everyone leave the store. And he was fine. But had dh or the big kids there, I know it would have only easculated into something worse.


Quoting MamaLauri:

It sounds like you are doing the right things.

Let your DH know that Liam using words when angry is a very good thing rather than angry/aggressive behavior. Now that Liam can express himself, start teaching him to express himself when his feelings are milder, before he reaches anger. Teach him calming procedures. In executive function speak, "self-monitoring".

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
MamaLauri
by Bronze Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 1:19 PM

What does your DH understand about being on the spectrum? It is most often due to a combination of genetically determined brain architecture and environment. The brain architecture is a mixed blessing, good and bad depending on the environment and how everyone handles it. Is there any indication Liam inherited some of these genes from your DH side of the family, and your DH is reacting negatively to it? If so you might need to reach/educate him first.

My ex simply could not deal with my youngest from 2yrs old on. 

MomOfOneCoolKid
by Gold Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 4:14 PM
I don't think my son is there yet. When he gets angry, he becomes aggressive.

Why did he call his dad a jerk?
MomOfOneCoolKid
by Gold Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 4:17 PM
That makes sense. Two aspies butting heads.

Quoting MamaLauri:

What does your DH understand about being on the spectrum? It is most often due to a combination of genetically determined brain architecture and environment. The brain architecture is a mixed blessing, good and bad depending on the environment and how everyone handles it. Is there any indication Liam inherited some of these genes from your DH side of the family, and your DH is reacting negatively to it? If so you might need to reach/educate him first.

My ex simply could not deal with my youngest from 2yrs old on. 

JTMOM422
by Brenda on Jul. 19, 2014 at 5:48 PM

I think Liam is using his words just not the appropriate ones lol. Dh knows the older 2 are different so why not accept the Liam is different too.

gdiamante
by Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 6:54 PM

Liam is the one on the spectrum, right? I'm thinking the problem isn't really him so much as it's all the ones you believe are being ridiculous. (Not that you don't tell Liam not to treat peoplpe that way, but the level of being hurt is silly.)

I have to tell my husband about 15 times a week that our son does NOT hate him. I've become inured to telling him to get over himself and not get upset about what's basically teenaged behavior with a helping of autism spectrum on the side.

Momof4AEMW
by Gold Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 7:57 PM

Since Liam is able to use his words instead of agression/screams (awesome), just help him learn the best words to use that describe his feelings (hurt, anger, frustration, etc) but that are not hurtful.  And for hubs, it's a 4 year old boy.  Hubs should tbe able to understand Liam is just mad/frustrated and taking it out on a parent as any kid would and 'let it go.'  Maybe he should sing the Frozen theme song, lol.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN