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the husband

Posted by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 9:23 PM
  • 18 Replies
How does your dh fit into your life with a special needs child? Is he supportive, is he in denial? Does he do things that make you wonder if your marriage will make it? Like saying mean things about your child? Has the diagnosis put a strain on your marriage?
Just looking for some input. I've been struggling with my marriage. Trying to see things from his perspective. But at some point I have to ask what can be accepted and what can't.
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 9:23 PM
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Replies (1-10):
sunshinepraying
by Bronze Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 9:30 PM
DH is supportive. We have disagreed on whether or not to medicate though. DH has ADHD. He does have trouble staying patient with DS and does seem to get frustrated more easily. I tend to be more of the one to care with him and tend to his needs
Macphee
by Silver Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 9:37 PM
Diagnosis was 4 years ago. It took dh 6 months to even have a conversation about ds needs. He didn't say the word autism until 2 years later. He slowly began to child rear more with ds. The best thin for him was to speak with ds behavior pediatrician who emphasized controlling emotions.

It was a strain for a long time. There's a reason for 80% divorce rate. Nobody knows your hubby like you do. Underlying issue is what you have to see. My dh was scared that ds would not be able to communicate if someone violated him. He was also worried about him being able to live on his own, work, have a family. But honestly, ds diagnosis helped dh recognize his add, social and anxiety issues. It later made him a better person, dad and husband. There are still days where I see dh strainin to hold his patience with the tantrums. I also see the moments where he takes ds for one on one daddy son days. His greatest challenge is trying to find a sport to bond over (always played sports). Ds likes to swim and climb. He doesn't like video games like his dad. They found roller coasters to bond over.

Hang in there, communicate, patience, but place dad in situations where he has to interact. Wii worked for us. Hugs, it is tough on relationships.
Momof4AEMW
by Platinum Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 9:38 PM

Sorry mama, I understand.  Having three SN kiddos has been the quickest thing to bring out our differences and question things.  He is just as accepting as I am, but clueless to what all it takes to get them through this life.  He doesn't understand the best ways to meet their needs and what all their disabilities entail, why regular discipline is not always the best. He supports us financially so I can be home to deal with all their medical, therapies, and schooling issues.  He likes to play with them, but doesn't understand why some things their age group should want to play don't work for them.  A lot of big items that come with raising them we do not agree on.  It will be interesting as we continue on this path.

TheJerseyGirl
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 9:43 PM

My Dh is better with D than he ever was with our older two. While he doesn't get it the way all of you do, I can talk to him and we are pretty much on the same page. He has learning disabled kids in school and it's a subject that melts his heart. He may not have always understood the ins and outs of autism, but we are a team as far as D goes. It might be the only time we are a team...lol...because he sure can get on my damn nerves too!

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage, Brittaney. I know many couples have a hard time raising special needs kids together, but I truly hope this is something you can work out.

TheJerseyGirl
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 9:45 PM
1 mom liked this

You said this so well! It reminds me of me and my dh.

Quoting Momof4AEMW:

Sorry mama, I understand.  Having three SN kiddos has been the quickest thing to bring out our differences and question things.  He is just as accepting as I am, but clueless to what all it takes to get them through this life.  He doesn't understand the best ways to meet their needs and what all their disabilities entail, why regular discipline is not always the best. He supports us financially so I can be home to deal with all their medical, therapies, and schooling issues.  He likes to play with them, but doesn't understand why some things their age group should want to play don't work for them.  A lot of big items that come with raising them we do not agree on.  It will be interesting as we continue on this path.



ineedcoffeemom
by Brittaney on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:08 PM

The most frustrating thing is you know how everyone on here will say how someone says all their child needs is a good spanking? Well in my family it's my HUSBAND saying that. I told him I will not spank her. He says she has it too good. WTH DOES THAT MEAN????!! And other times he'll say mean things, that don't hurt her right now because she doesn't understand, but they hurt me. Like tonight she did something and he said, "I guess maybe she'll speak at 12 and understand at 40, maybe??!" And what she did, well, he doesn't think our house should still be baby proofed because she isn't a baby. That if something hurts her then maybe it'll teach her not to do it. You probably know perfectly well how much that WILL NOT WORK. 

He just does thing that sets her up to fail all the time it seems. I know I have to understand he's hurt by this, but he's the freaking adult here. He needs to be more understanding!

Quoting TheJerseyGirl:

My Dh is better with D than he ever was with our older two. While he doesn't get it the way all of you do, I can talk to him and we are pretty much on the same page. He has learning disabled kids in school and it's a subject that melts his heart. He may not have always understood the ins and outs of autism, but we are a team as far as D goes. It might be the only time we are a team...lol...because he sure can get on my damn nerves too!

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage, Brittaney. I know many couples have a hard time raising special needs kids together, but I truly hope this is something you can work out.


darbyakeep45
by Darby on Jul. 24, 2014 at 5:13 AM

Hugs mama!  My husband is extremely supportive, and we are both on the same page most of the time.  Some times my husband loses his patience and has control issues and wants things to be a certain way, but I usually step in and tell him to just ignore Brady as he's doing whatever it is just to gain attention so my husband getting mad about it just makes it worse.  

charley31
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 7:29 AM
My dh is very supportive. We are both still adjusting and learning so we can butt heads. But when it comes down to it he's the only one who knows what I'm going thro entirely with Ryan. I can vent and say things and he's the only one most days that won't piss me off. Besides you ladies dh is all I have for support. I've come to realize I can't keep getting sad or mad over the annoying comments people make. It's not their fault they don't get what it's like.
mypbandj
by Jen on Jul. 24, 2014 at 8:29 AM
I have a wonderful husband who is extremely supportive but at times he can absolutely drive me insane.
I've vented on here about our issues when it comes to the kids. That is definitely what strains our marriage the most. He was in denial forever with my oldests Dx and really never did participate in any dr appts or therapy. I did all of it on my own.
He did take a parenting class and that helped tons but he has a long way to go yet IMO. I'm submerged in the parenting world - thru work most but it's also an interest of mine. I do lots of reading and take classes, seminars, etc on discipline, parenting, special needs. And he doesn't. His family has zero parenting skills so compared to them he's amazing. Let's just say he is great with easy kids. When some advanced parenting skills need to come in play, he's not so good and that is where we butt heads.
He KNOWS that our oldest has spectrum issues. Dh is probably on the spectrum too but ds is way worse. But it's so obvious that ds just drives dh crazy. I keep asking dh if he even likes our son. He seriously complains about every single little thing he does: your taking a shower to long, you're not taking a shower, you got water on the floor from your shower, you use too many towels, you eat too much food, you eat crappy food, you don't pay attention, you shut the door too hard, you forgot this, you forgot that, you didn't pay attention, you wear your shoes the wrong way, you wear the wrong shoes, you're gaining too much weight, and on and on and on.
I seriously think that dh is the cause of my sons depression sometimes. And me being the mama bear, well I get defensive and I will try to make him stop. It causes fights and arguments and I know that's bad but how can I help it?
Now I see dh starting down that same path with my younger son. Ugh.
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ineedcoffeemom
by Brittaney on Jul. 24, 2014 at 9:16 AM

I've read your posts and I'm sorry you're clashing with your husband as well. I also believe my dh to have some autistic traits, although I feel I have just as many ..... we just have deficits in different areas. I'm afraid my dh will not like our child as she gets older. I've been scared since this whole process started that she will have an intellectual disability because the one thing my husband hates most is stupidity. He believes EVERYONE is intelligent and the majority of people out there are just too lazy to use their brains. For how intelligent he is, I cannot understand how he's not smart enough to know everyone's intelligence level is different, sigh. 

My husband was treated the way your dh treats your son. And I'm really sorry to say this, but my dh became alot happier when he moved away from his parents. We do see them fairly regularly, but there were times when we would stop communication with them because of how much my fil was mean to my dh. I think the relationship is better now because my dh has a good education and career. His first job out of grad school landed him a job making more money than his parents have ever made. So fil knows he can't pick on him .... because he knows he would lose now. And even with all his picking .... his dad did alot of good dad things with him. They camped, fished, and his dad was at all his sports games as a kid. And he was even the one to cook them dinner most days. But when it came down to it, fil's words were still stronger than his actions because all those mean things he said to my husband HURT him. He still thinks he's a loser sometimes. And now he's trying to turn around to do the exact same thing to our daughter even though he KNOWS it's wrong. IT'S SO FRUSTRATING.

Quoting mypbandj: I have a wonderful husband who is extremely supportive but at times he can absolutely drive me insane. I've vented on here about our issues when it comes to the kids. That is definitely what strains our marriage the most. He was in denial forever with my oldests Dx and really never did participate in any dr appts or therapy. I did all of it on my own. He did take a parenting class and that helped tons but he has a long way to go yet IMO. I'm submerged in the parenting world - thru work most but it's also an interest of mine. I do lots of reading and take classes, seminars, etc on discipline, parenting, special needs. And he doesn't. His family has zero parenting skills so compared to them he's amazing. Let's just say he is great with easy kids. When some advanced parenting skills need to come in play, he's not so good and that is where we butt heads. He KNOWS that our oldest has spectrum issues. Dh is probably on the spectrum too but ds is way worse. But it's so obvious that ds just drives dh crazy. I keep asking dh if he even likes our son. He seriously complains about every single little thing he does: your taking a shower to long, you're not taking a shower, you got water on the floor from your shower, you use too many towels, you eat too much food, you eat crappy food, you don't pay attention, you shut the door too hard, you forgot this, you forgot that, you didn't pay attention, you wear your shoes the wrong way, you wear the wrong shoes, you're gaining too much weight, and on and on and on. I seriously think that dh is the cause of my sons depression sometimes. And me being the mama bear, well I get defensive and I will try to make him stop. It causes fights and arguments and I know that's bad but how can I help it? Now I see dh starting down that same path with my younger son. Ugh.


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