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Being rude to Grandma

Posted by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 9:31 AM
  • 8 Replies

Hi ladies,

I am just wondering how you deal with bad manners when visiting friends and family.  DS, 10, and I are here in CA for the month with my mom.  Home sweet home for me, and well, eh, not so much for DS.  We do quite a lot of things for him and with him in mind and he is just being a rude jerk to be quite honest.  I can get him still having a bit of jet lag and being in a different country with different foods and time schedules, but we do this every year and there aren't too many changes or surprises.  How do you guys get the ground rules set and also keep the peace at the same time? He ignores my mom, has raised his voice to her (very uncool), is not respecting personal space and boundaries, leaves his stuff and messes all over the place, and I am kind of at my wits' end. Any thoughts to share or advice? We do have lots of good times to be sure, but i just don't like the nagging and the reminders ro do this and behave that way all of the time.  He needs his down time too, but for the love of Goddess, just be kind! He screams and yells when reminded to brish his teeth, has a fit when it is time to do homework, flat our refuses to do things expected of him (making the bed, for example, which has to be done when he is using the blow up mattress in the living room) - and these are all things he routinely does at home so we are not suddenly placing unheard of demands on the kid ;)

Anyhoo, as happy as i am to be back home, it is exhausting! I know it doesn't have to be, but sheesh, I am wiped out.  Thanks for letting me vent . . . ;)

by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 9:31 AM
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Replies (1-8):
SamMom912
by Platinum Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 9:45 AM
1 mom liked this

Hummm, so you have a kid who thrilves on familiarity, structure, downtime, predicibility and you remove all his creature comforts (Ok, some of them) and he has a hard time.... makes sense to me. :)

He is having a hard time- not giving a hard time. Try to remember. Think of your WORST stressed out time... when you just couldnt even think straight... you're busiest day at work.. you come home-- you just drop your stuff and crawl onto the couch... and hubby says 'iron this shirt." Well, you'd freak out... (Id freak out.. too) because you're at your breaking point. On this trip your little guy is AT his breaking point ALL the time. Each little demand/request is the "last straw"... so he LEAKS out his anger, displeasure.. cause it is overflowing-- like a cup... he CANT be kind. He doesnt have it in him... he has nothing left. Add in that social demands are hard for ASD kids-- its a drain, not a replenishment....so he is constantly drained when visisting peple he isnt 100% comfortable with... they are unpredictible in their responses, manerisms which is unsettling. 
Now, Im not sure of the balance of "stuff" when you're away... his "down time- to "demand time"... but perhaps it wasnt as balanced as he needed it to be?
he does it at ome because he isnt "overwhelemed"... adding in those other varibales pushes him closer to his breaking point so when you have an OK day at work you can "iron the shirt"... but when its too much- its TOO MUCH...

make sense?

I can totally see why you're wiped out... and I am SOsorry that this trip (which is SOO great for you-- to be home with your mom) i marred by his difficulty. I think it is our biggest struggle as ASD parents

Logansmom1999
by Kristina on Jul. 30, 2014 at 3:14 PM

I totally agree here.

Quoting SamMom912:

Hummm, so you have a kid who thrilves on familiarity, structure, downtime, predicibility and you remove all his creature comforts (Ok, some of them) and he has a hard time.... makes sense to me. :) He is having a hard time- not giving a hard time. Try to remember. Think of your WORST stressed out time... when you just couldnt even think straight... you're busiest day at work.. you come home-- you just drop your stuff and crawl onto the couch... and hubby says 'iron this shirt." Well, you'd freak out... (Id freak out.. too) because you're at your breaking point. On this trip your little guy is AT his breaking point ALL the time. Each little demand/request is the "last straw"... so he LEAKS out his anger, displeasure.. cause it is overflowing-- like a cup... he CANT be kind. He doesnt have it in him... he has nothing left. Add in that social demands are hard for ASD kids-- its a drain, not a replenishment....so he is constantly drained when visisting peple he isnt 100% comfortable with... they are unpredictible in their responses, manerisms which is unsettling. Now, Im not sure of the balance of "stuff" when you're away... his "down time- to "demand time"... but perhaps it wasnt as balanced as he needed it to be? he does it at ome because he isnt "overwhelemed"... adding in those other varibales pushes him closer to his breaking point so when you have an OK day at work you can "iron the shirt"... but when its too much- its TOO MUCH...

make sense? I can totally see why you're wiped out... and I am SOsorry that this trip (which is SOO great for you-- to be home with your mom) i marred by his difficulty. I think it is our biggest struggle as ASD parents


princess_1983
by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 7:32 PM
1 mom liked this

My 6 year old is rude to my mom sometimes. I spank him and make him tell her he is sorry.

ballerina.2006
by Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 1:05 AM
1 mom liked this
How long have you been there? I figure it will take at least a week to find a happy medium in this "new" enviornment.

We go camping to the same spot every year (private camp site with 1-3 others at most, grandparents being 1). We have done this since Jaxyn's first trip at 6 months old (5 years). Yes he knows where we are going and he is familiar with the place, but he can't get over the hump of it being different from home. It's similar to back in our school days; freshmen year was hard and scary but sophmore year was still a little scary. Yes you knew where things were and what to expect BUT your locker was different, people a little older, and new class schedule; little things changed.

If even one thing is different this trip from last trip it could be enough to cause a fit if it isn't how he remembered. Is he verbal enough to talk about what is causing a fit? His bed is in the living room but does he have a safe place he can go to get away from sensory overload? Another bedroom?
darbyakeep45
by Darby on Jul. 31, 2014 at 6:08 AM

Hugs mama...these ladies have some good thoughts:)  

Ajisai43
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 11:13 AM

yup, ok, i needed that different perspective for sure, and thank you, sammom912 for pointing out some probably (to everyone but me) glaringly obvious "duh" things in a kind manner :) I especially like your having a hard time, not giving a hard time bit.  For me, that in and of itself spoke volumes and yeah, thank you.  As odd as it may seem, I don't automatically bring the whole asd thing into every situation and maybe I should.  My kiddo is a very high functioning aspie who thinks he rules the world and we are all at his beck and call - very verbal, clever as a whip, and is really stuck or lagging when it comes to social situations and having and using good manners.

Yeah, it is time to slow down a bit, give a lot more consideration to what he is and isn't experiencing, even on quiet or low key days, and try to go with the flow a bit more.  I was chanting to myself, "I am the calm in the center of the storm" over and over when DS was freaking out in public yesterday.  It worked, but I was nearly in tears the whole time trying to get through the situation, and I am just tired.  And again, thank you for taking the time to write and write so very clearly and easily and with kindness . . . 

Ajisai43
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 11:26 AM

We have been here a week now, and we have a bit of a routine set up now, with jet lag pretty much over.  We have been coming every year since he was born, and we also spend a week up in the mountains which DS absolutely loves.  We are going to find a big nugget of gold in the river this year! We say it every year and it hasn't quite happened yet . . .

Yes, he has a lovely place to play and hang out on the deck and he loves it out there.  He can leave his stuff spread out everywhere without having to pick up, and he is free to use the extra bedroom for reading or drawing or taking a nap.  We go to the pool nearly every day, we go hiking when he wants, there is a lot of "quiet" outdoor stuff going on that he loves.  He also wants to watch loads of "American" TV and thinks the 30 minutes in the morning and the 30 minutes in the evening rule shouldn't apply over here, so it is a constant battle to get him away fromt he TV.  He turns into a bit of a monster when he has too much screen time . . .

He is very verbal but not always good at articulating those emotions and feelings, and if he does manage to get it all out, it could be a good week or so later and then it is out of the blue and without much context.  So then I put on my detective hat and do 20 questions to figure out what he is talking about.

But yeah, basic manners, those need to happen everywhere and with everyone, and I am still asking for that because that is just a life skill he needs to work on for any situation.  It is just so frustrating all around for all of us, I guess.  Baby steps and patience is what we need over here :)

Quoting ballerina.2006: How long have you been there? I figure it will take at least a week to find a happy medium in this "new" enviornment. We go camping to the same spot every year (private camp site with 1-3 others at most, grandparents being 1). We have done this since Jaxyn's first trip at 6 months old (5 years). Yes he knows where we are going and he is familiar with the place, but he can't get over the hump of it being different from home. It's similar to back in our school days; freshmen year was hard and scary but sophmore year was still a little scary. Yes you knew where things were and what to expect BUT your locker was different, people a little older, and new class schedule; little things changed. If even one thing is different this trip from last trip it could be enough to cause a fit if it isn't how he remembered. Is he verbal enough to talk about what is causing a fit? His bed is in the living room but does he have a safe place he can go to get away from sensory overload? Another bedroom?


girlfriendcj70
by Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 11:40 AM
[quote name="princess_1983" id="0"]

My 6 year old is rude to my mom sometimes. I spank him and make him tell her he is sorry.

[/ote

SAME Here. I Spank My Kids When They Are Rudd To anybody
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