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Autism - Support Across the Spectrum Autism - Support Across the Spectrum

What would u have done?

Posted by on Aug. 11, 2014 at 10:14 AM
  • 10 Replies

This may be more for Mom's of teens: Advice & support needed...

We had a transitioning problem (I think that is what it was) after our dd came back from a Christian camp she was attending for 3 weeks working. She was talkative right after camp (with is highly unusual for her to talk a lot). More when it's about her. Oh, that's why... Sure doesn't sound like much supervision up till 1 or 2 am most nights. She came back like 'u as parents owe me the same' let me do what I want. She wouldn't follow any directions or do anything with out  disrespectful words. We gave her a day of fun going with a friend to town, back to our house then to a movie.  This friend (she had met at camp the past 2 years prior to this year. They couldn't go at the same time this year to the camp. She is also adopted. She had been trying to get hold of our dd all through our dd camp (they couldn't have any cell phones at camp) so when our dd came home there were 4 calls from her and they were trying to get together.  We let her go, (it was from 11 to 6:30 pm) but maybe it's too much for these kids?? She was all 'nose in the air' about everything, I don't have to do anything or follow any rules.  What would have helped? We did take away electronics for a day & told her  "I'm not going to argue with u". She is to get 'hopefully' cleared tomorrow morning by her orthopedic doctor to go to track (it was the first practice) but she wanted to go to track this morning and we told her no she can't run anyway and she can go after she is cleared.  She threw a fit and said yes, I am and said she would be up at 5 am to go at 6 and we again told her no, she continued to get sassy and we told her to go to her room till she can settle down.  She came out this morning at 5 and my husband told her no, she started to argue and he said no.  She finally went back to bed. She doesn't have a car as the one she will be using is in the shop. I don't know about this car thing anyway.  She had been driving after school a bit to school functions but now we are wondering if we should take a day of driving to school and have her ride the bus or have me take her in?? Or is that not 'lesson appropriate' to take away? It is her 'currency tho'

by on Aug. 11, 2014 at 10:14 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lisa12121
by Member on Aug. 11, 2014 at 10:57 AM

Hmm. This would have been better under Moms with Teens. Does your DD have ASD? What are your typical behavioral processes? She is old enough to be driving and going out on her own. How old is she? My oldest is 18 now and leaving for college in two weeks. We consistently told him he earned his driving privileges, phone, computer, tv, etc. We have, at times, taken the tv and gaming system out of his room for entire school years when he wasn't focusing on his studies. Fortunately, he was never truly mouthy and didn't fight against our rules. He has earned a "no curfew" because his behavior was consistent and thoughful as far as where he went and who he socialized with. He has his own car for his use and he hasn't abused the privilege. I guess you and DH should sit her down and explain, calmly, about how her attitude is affecting the family and will be affecting her privileges. Don't give her a chance to talk, tell her only you and her father are speaking at this time. Then send her off to her room for some thinking time and to come up with a plan for her attitude and behavior and what privileges she loses when she cannot manage those things. Put it on her. We always put the responsibility on our son. What he did or said impacted what he was allowed to do and who he could do it with. Good luck.

SamMom912
by Gold Member on Aug. 11, 2014 at 12:30 PM

So Im guessing youve been consistant on concequences but sadly consequences dont change behavior.. they CAN modify it going forward, but they dont change it unless there is a replacement behavior that is more adaptive.
Im guessing you're teen is surley due to meeting these social demands that leave her 'socially' drained... aka, she has used up all her "niceness" and "appropriateness" on others.. and well, you get the rest. She has been away for 3 weeks--- 3 weeks--- that HAD to "tap" her energy level... it had to "tap" her and drain her--- so she was all happy when she got home (endorphnins, happy to see you) but she was :DONE"... she needed a break... you need to take the step back and look at behavior based on the continuum.. she had held it together for 3 full weeks--- happy to see you then (whooosh) the balloon emptied and she haad nothing left.. add in that  Shes a teen... teens are disrespectful by nature. Id ignore that... ignoring it and not feeding it will make it go away-- the concequences hasvent-- (taking away electronics) so you may as well try ignoring it. Dont give it ANY attention-- not a word-- when she gets snippy and surly.. just leave her gaze, dont make eye contact, and wait until the response is appropriate. then praise the appropriate response.

As far as saying "No" unilatterally making decisions is something ALL teens (and ASD kids) seem to be 'allergic" to. By nature, they are contrarians... you say black, she says white... lol.. yep.
I like how you dont "argue" but your also not giving her a chance to express her diappointment-- or work around. Your saying NO.. you're not saying.. "We are concerned for your health until your Dr says ok. We'd prefer to wait until we hear." Its a statement-- it akes the responsibilty off you, epxresses your TRUE concern (her health and welfare). IF we dont hear from the Dr today, do you think it is safe to run? (letting her express her thoughts and wishes).
We need to teach our children to work collaboratively. To be heard and to adress their concerns appropriately. Like you would treat your spouse (with respect and giving their concerns and wants validity) you need to do the same with your DD. You also need to let her live with certain concequences... natural ones..
If she decided to run today, what would have the outcome been? something major or something minor? Could you have used that as a learning tool to more forward?
Raising kids is hard.
putting the responsiblility for things like THIS is appropriate. setting our kids up for failiure-- pushing them to their limit and not recogising that they are "done:" they have MET that HUGE feat-- and excelled-- the aftermath is on US... sorry--- but we ALL take out the hard stuff on the people we love-- after a ROTTEN day at work-- do you yell at your boss or do you say to your spouse "wow, I had a HARD day.. can we order dinner out?? I can NOT cook"... and what would happen when your spouse said.. "Nope, COOK!" youd flip too... she is flipping and leaking anger based on not being able to "leak" it elsewhere...

cat4458
by Member on Aug. 11, 2014 at 1:54 PM

Thank you for your answer. My dd is in 1 month 16. Yes, she has asbergers (high functioning autism) and was diagnosed in 2010. We did sit her down (funny you say that, not lol) yesterday and told her.  She has been fine so far today EXCEPT she took off outside and I had no clue where she was. She went out & cut some tree limbs that were low.  So after she came back in I told her I appreciated her doing the work and her job looked good but she needs to tell me that she is going outside & work instead of just taking off.  That's what she wants to do (what she wants to do, when she wants to do it with no concern for anyone). When she loses electronics I know she is bored but I think as a kid when she has done something wrong she should tell me where she is going.  She's taken off to the neighbors house before without asking several times without asking.  Is this too much to ask?

Quoting lisa12121:

Hmm. This would have been better under Moms with Teens. Does your DD have ASD? What are your typical behavioral processes? She is old enough to be driving and going out on her own. How old is she? My oldest is 18 now and leaving for college in two weeks. We consistently told him he earned his driving privileges, phone, computer, tv, etc. We have, at times, taken the tv and gaming system out of his room for entire school years when he wasn't focusing on his studies. Fortunately, he was never truly mouthy and didn't fight against our rules. He has earned a "no curfew" because his behavior was consistent and thoughful as far as where he went and who he socialized with. He has his own car for his use and he hasn't abused the privilege. I guess you and DH should sit her down and explain, calmly, about how her attitude is affecting the family and will be affecting her privileges. Don't give her a chance to talk, tell her only you and her father are speaking at this time. Then send her off to her room for some thinking time and to come up with a plan for her attitude and behavior and what privileges she loses when she cannot manage those things. Put it on her. We always put the responsibility on our son. What he did or said impacted what he was allowed to do and who he could do it with. Good luck.


cat4458
by Member on Aug. 11, 2014 at 2:03 PM

I agree with you about the work, etc. that's why we didn't have her do anything for the first 2 days. Yes, that's why we gave her 2 days of freedom (no chores) for 2 days and let her go with a friend for the one day.  She only had 2 chores to do (cleaning the cat litter) and emptying the dishwasher and that was on the 3rd day. She only does 4-5 chores a week (not bad).


Quoting SamMom912:

So Im guessing youve been consistant on concequences but sadly consequences dont change behavior.. they CAN modify it going forward, but they dont change it unless there is a replacement behavior that is more adaptive. Im guessing you're teen is surley due to meeting these social demands that leave her 'socially' drained... aka, she has used up all her "niceness" and "appropriateness" on others.. and well, you get the rest. She has been away for 3 weeks--- 3 weeks--- that HAD to "tap" her energy level... it had to "tap" her and drain her--- so she was all happy when she got home (endorphnins, happy to see you) but she was :DONE"... she needed a break... you need to take the step back and look at behavior based on the continuum.. she had held it together for 3 full weeks--- happy to see you then (whooosh) the balloon emptied and she haad nothing left.. add in that  Shes a teen... teens are disrespectful by nature. Id ignore that... ignoring it and not feeding it will make it go away-- the concequences hasvent-- (taking away electronics) so you may as well try ignoring it. Dont give it ANY attention-- not a word-- when she gets snippy and surly.. just leave her gaze, dont make eye contact, and wait until the response is appropriate. then praise the appropriate response. As far as saying "No" unilatterally making decisions is something ALL teens (and ASD kids) seem to be 'allergic" to. By nature, they are contrarians... you say black, she says white... lol.. yep. I like how you dont "argue" but your also not giving her a chance to express her diappointment-- or work around. Your saying NO.. you're not saying.. "We are concerned for your health until your Dr says ok. We'd prefer to wait until we hear." Its a statement-- it akes the responsibilty off you, epxresses your TRUE concern (her health and welfare). IF we dont hear from the Dr today, do you think it is safe to run? (letting her express her thoughts and wishes). We need to teach our children to work collaboratively. To be heard and to adress their concerns appropriately. Like you would treat your spouse (with respect and giving their concerns and wants validity) you need to do the same with your DD. You also need to let her live with certain concequences... natural ones..If she decided to run today, what would have the outcome been? something major or something minor? Could you have used that as a learning tool to more forward? Raising kids is hard.putting the responsiblility for things like THIS is appropriate. setting our kids up for failiure-- pushing them to their limit and not recogising that they are "done:" they have MET that HUGE feat-- and excelled-- the aftermath is on US... sorry--- but we ALL take out the hard stuff on the people we love-- after a ROTTEN day at work-- do you yell at your boss or do you say to your spouse "wow, I had a HARD day.. can we order dinner out?? I can NOT cook"... and what would happen when your spouse said.. "Nope, COOK!" youd flip too... she is flipping and leaking anger based on not being able to "leak" it elsewhere...


Logansmom1999
by Kristina on Aug. 11, 2014 at 2:41 PM

I would definitely take the car until she can make responsible and respectful decisions. You don't want her in a 2000 pound weapon with a bad attitude.

TheJerseyGirl
by Michele on Aug. 11, 2014 at 7:00 PM

 My son is well behaved and I really never need to discipline, but electronics is the first thing I threaten to take away. It works every time!LOL!

Quoting cat4458:

Thank you for your answer. My dd is in 1 month 16. Yes, she has asbergers (high functioning autism) and was diagnosed in 2010. We did sit her down (funny you say that, not lol) yesterday and told her.  She has been fine so far today EXCEPT she took off outside and I had no clue where she was. She went out & cut some tree limbs that were low.  So after she came back in I told her I appreciated her doing the work and her job looked good but she needs to tell me that she is going outside & work instead of just taking off.  That's what she wants to do (what she wants to do, when she wants to do it with no concern for anyone). When she loses electronics I know she is bored but I think as a kid when she has done something wrong she should tell me where she is going.  She's taken off to the neighbors house before without asking several times without asking.  Is this too much to ask?

Quoting lisa12121:

Hmm. This would have been better under Moms with Teens. Does your DD have ASD? What are your typical behavioral processes? She is old enough to be driving and going out on her own. How old is she? My oldest is 18 now and leaving for college in two weeks. We consistently told him he earned his driving privileges, phone, computer, tv, etc. We have, at times, taken the tv and gaming system out of his room for entire school years when he wasn't focusing on his studies. Fortunately, he was never truly mouthy and didn't fight against our rules. He has earned a "no curfew" because his behavior was consistent and thoughful as far as where he went and who he socialized with. He has his own car for his use and he hasn't abused the privilege. I guess you and DH should sit her down and explain, calmly, about how her attitude is affecting the family and will be affecting her privileges. Don't give her a chance to talk, tell her only you and her father are speaking at this time. Then send her off to her room for some thinking time and to come up with a plan for her attitude and behavior and what privileges she loses when she cannot manage those things. Put it on her. We always put the responsibility on our son. What he did or said impacted what he was allowed to do and who he could do it with. Good luck.

 

 


darbyakeep45
by Darby on Aug. 11, 2014 at 8:07 PM

Hugs mama...glad these ladies have good advice!

gardensparrow
by on Aug. 12, 2014 at 11:52 AM

Ugh....that type of behavior in teens can definitely be frustrating. But it's certainly not uncommon! And just for some general discipline tips on how to respond, you might want to check out some of the suggestions at http://bit.ly/1oHMYEY. However, with an autism diagnosis you may have to vary some of these strategies. And, if you guys see a therapist, it would probably be a good idea to get some tips from them. I'm sure they have a lot of experience helping parents in situations like this.

gdiamante
by Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 12:04 PM

You're not asking too much. Tell her you just want to know, you're not going to stop her. It's just courtesy so that if you need her you know where to find her and that if she doesn't make it home by a certain time you know where to call to be sure she's safe.

EthansMomma2010
by on Aug. 12, 2014 at 2:02 PM

this is not meant to discount your struggles at all, but it sounds like pretty typical teen behavior honestly. just keep being consistent and she should get the message. 

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