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my husband and me

Posted by on Jan. 23, 2016 at 10:20 PM
  • 12 Replies
i know i just made a post. but i also wanted to vent/ share about this. My husband is always right there with me in terms of discipline and the kids needs ect. He defers to me a lot actually because of my education. im grateful we work well on that. but today we had quite a bit of stress. hes mad that gabe gags over his food. he was made to eat, so he thinks he should make gabe eat. i tried to explain but he still doesnt get why gabe "cant".

and then the stealing and the lying. theyve gotten into his tools outside, and rummaged through his desk drawers many times, and they get in trouble. anna actually took a bottle of personal lubricant(lol) from my side table drawer because it was pink and im sure she thought it was lotion or hair gel, or i dont know. she lied about it. dh told her to go get it. she came back and said she couldnt find it. dh said get it NOW. and she brought it straight back to us. There are so many times like that. its candy or hand sanitizer, or tools, or cutlery. same conversations. micah took some things off his tool bench today and was playing and burying them in teh snow.

so after all these things, halfway through the day, he went off. told me i wasnt going to like it but everytime one of them lies he told them he would spank them 3 times. i didnt say anything. he knows my feelings on that and we have completely agreed on it until now. he says he doesnt know what else to do. he will not tolerate lying and stealing in his house.

his work has been shut down cuz of the snow. its only 8 in but for nashville thats huge. so we've all been stuck in the house or snow for a couple of days now. kids are restless and hes cranky. and im in the middle. what should i do? what should i tell him?
by on Jan. 23, 2016 at 10:20 PM
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Replies (1-10):
gdiamante
by Bronze Member on Jan. 23, 2016 at 11:43 PM

First thing I'd tell him is that if he has stuff he doesn't want touched, it should be LOCKED UP.

Next ting: Just because you were "made" to eat doesn't mean it is the right path or will work. But if you want to "make" Gabe eat, BE MY GUEST. (My favorite method with my husband... "Try it yourself."  Usually followed by, "You were right, Gina.")

Third thing I'd tell him: Do you really want to hit the kids? Do you REALLY think it will help? Make him think it through.

rebecca_new_mom
by Gold Member on Jan. 23, 2016 at 11:51 PM
1 mom liked this

Hugs! I would tell him "no" to the spanking. As for everything else, it sounds like all the stress, and being stuck home for days where he's really had to face all the kids' issues that you usually deal with on a daily basis has really gotten to him. I am speaking from first-hand experience, my husband acts a similar way when he's in the house and around the children for extended periods of time, obviously more-so when they are acting up. I hope that tomorrow will be a better day for your family. I'm sorry today was so rough. 

Ralgj
by April on Jan. 24, 2016 at 6:12 AM
Hugs!! It sounds like being stuck inside is making it hard on him. Not that its excusable but if he is usually reasonable it helps to understand the why. Maybe he will have slept well last night and feel differently this morning. I would sit down with him, if you haven't already, and talk about a reasonable way to react to the lying or taking of items that you both can agree upon. As for the eating... I'm not sure. Hope things are better today!!
SamMom912
by Platinum Member on Jan. 24, 2016 at 10:00 AM
Awwww, poor hubby (& poor you cause you have to deal with him). He IS out of ideas! As parents we all do our best to influence our children's behavior for the better. Im sure your husband is thinking 3 swats to the butt is better then ending up in jail somedays (cause it is hard as parents NOT to project SO far forward into the future and feel as tho we have failed them. As adults we see actions have consequences- dont brush teeth, you get cavities... So we do what we can to force the situation so our children don't have to endure "serious" consequences (that we cant control- like cavities or jail time!)

So I would definitely sit down with him & empathize. You BOTH want to see change in this "stealing" department... BUT, hitting them isnt going to help with their impulse control or problem solving. Matter of fact- IF you do hit them for their "disability" chances are They will feel worse!!! :(

But together as a couple, as the people who love them the most, you can brainstorm about how to change & influence their behavior (without the hitting!)

You also need to tell the kids they wont be hit. Sit down with them "mom & dad are frustrated & out of ideas. This continues to be an issue, but you'll solve this as a family without hitting".

Id also talk with hubby about gabe- the speech & connection to oral motor delays. Strong gage reflex... Ask him to "wait" until you hear with your SLP says.... (Buying time & getting info).

Hugs!!!
MamaLauri
by Silver Member on Jan. 24, 2016 at 11:17 AM

Occasional lite spanking (but not in anger) in a loving relationship will not damage the kids. Not good but generally will not harm. Anger directed at them will harm.

Showing occasional anger is not harmful, and can benefit, if and only if you walk away from the child, turn your back to them and vent, then comeback to the child when calm. You are showing them that their actions angered you, but you know proper anger management. They learn 2 things: their actions were bad and do not approach people when you are angry.

He is trying to get across he will not tolerate lying and stealing. But it is not as effective as constructive payback consequences: repair damage, do chores, do something kind, ...

magmommy
by Silver Member on Jan. 26, 2016 at 7:37 PM
I did tell him to lock his stuff and he should watch them himself. Well i kind of snapped about it so at the time that didnt help matters. But I talked to him about it more and i think we're back on the same track again. He's always defered to me so i guess i was just surprised.

Quoting gdiamante:

First thing I'd tell him is that if he has stuff he doesn't want touched, it should be LOCKED UP.

Next ting: Just because you were "made" to eat doesn't mean it is the right path or will work. But if you want to "make" Gabe eat, BE MY GUEST. (My favorite method with my husband... "Try it yourself."  Usually followed by, "You were right, Gina.")

Third thing I'd tell him: Do you really want to hit the kids? Do you REALLY think it will help? Make him think it through.

magmommy
by Silver Member on Jan. 26, 2016 at 7:41 PM
1 mom liked this
Thank you! Snow is gone! Kids are back in school. Hubbys at work. All is much better. Weve talked it through and hes back on our original plan.

Quoting rebecca_new_mom:

Hugs! I would tell him "no" to the spanking. As for everything else, it sounds like all the stress, and being stuck home for days where he's really had to face all the kids' issues that you usually deal with on a daily basis has really gotten to him. I am speaking from first-hand experience, my husband acts a similar way when he's in the house and around the children for extended periods of time, obviously more-so when they are acting up. I hope that tomorrow will be a better day for your family. I'm sorry today was so rough. 

magmommy
by Silver Member on Jan. 26, 2016 at 7:45 PM
Thank you. We did talk through it. Its so hard parenting anyway then walking through these extra mine fields of disabilities excerbates it all.

Quoting Ralgj: Hugs!! It sounds like being stuck inside is making it hard on him. Not that its excusable but if he is usually reasonable it helps to understand the why. Maybe he will have slept well last night and feel differently this morning. I would sit down with him, if you haven't already, and talk about a reasonable way to react to the lying or taking of items that you both can agree upon. As for the eating... I'm not sure. Hope things are better today!!
magmommy
by Silver Member on Jan. 26, 2016 at 7:51 PM
1 mom liked this
You are right on target with all of those feelings. We are still struggling with how to get the seriousness across. He knows spanking doesnt work. Anna the sensory seeker laughs and it would break micah. Hes just kind of hit a realization that our kids arent going to behave in typical ways. Its hard when it hits you.

Quoting SamMom912: Awwww, poor hubby (& poor you cause you have to deal with him). He IS out of ideas! As parents we all do our best to influence our children's behavior for the better. Im sure your husband is thinking 3 swats to the butt is better then ending up in jail somedays (cause it is hard as parents NOT to project SO far forward into the future and feel as tho we have failed them. As adults we see actions have consequences- dont brush teeth, you get cavities... So we do what we can to force the situation so our children don't have to endure "serious" consequences (that we cant control- like cavities or jail time!)

So I would definitely sit down with him & empathize. You BOTH want to see change in this "stealing" department... BUT, hitting them isnt going to help with their impulse control or problem solving. Matter of fact- IF you do hit them for their "disability" chances are They will feel worse!!! :(

But together as a couple, as the people who love them the most, you can brainstorm about how to change & influence their behavior (without the hitting!)

You also need to tell the kids they wont be hit. Sit down with them "mom & dad are frustrated & out of ideas. This continues to be an issue, but you'll solve this as a family without hitting".

Id also talk with hubby about gabe- the speech & connection to oral motor delays. Strong gage reflex... Ask him to "wait" until you hear with your SLP says.... (Buying time & getting info).

Hugs!!!
magmommy
by Silver Member on Jan. 26, 2016 at 7:55 PM
Ive reminded him of why spanking doesnt help our kids. Anna laughs at pain. Micah is inconsolable. All of those natural consequences you mentioned have had no effect but its steadily getting worse. We're going to keep trying.

Quoting MamaLauri:

Occasional lite spanking (but not in anger) in a loving relationship will not damage the kids. Not good but generally will not harm. Anger directed at them will harm.

Showing occasional anger is not harmful, and can benefit, if and only if you walk away from the child, turn your back to them and vent, then comeback to the child when calm. You are showing them that their actions angered you, but you know proper anger management. They learn 2 things: their actions were bad and do not approach people when you are angry.

He is trying to get across he will not tolerate lying and stealing. But it is not as effective as constructive payback consequences: repair damage, do chores, do something kind, ...

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