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Rude!

Posted by on Apr. 11, 2016 at 3:39 AM
  • 29 Replies
Hello I have a 4 year old daughter that I feel is rude! I don't know if this is part of the high functioning autism. I can be in the middle of a conversation and she will come up to me say Mom stop talking, and try to tell me whatever she has on her mind. I tell her over and over that it's rude. I've been trying to teach her manners but it's like talking to a wall! Please help! Any advice is appreciated!
by on Apr. 11, 2016 at 3:39 AM
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Replies (1-10):
SamMom912
by Platinum Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 7:44 AM
2 moms liked this
This IS definetely part of her disability!!!

I so dont like "rude" perception. :(

My friend a few years ago was watching Sam.
She asked if he wanted a snack. He said "no thank you." She said "i have cookies." He said "no thank you." She said "i have chips" "no thank you" she replied "they're your favorite" then he said "how many times will I have to say no thank you before you leave me alone?"
She called him rude.
THIS is autism.
He was saying his thoughts, no filter no "awareness" that the other person may perceive his honesty as rude. He was saying No thank you. He didn't want anything... And honestly... 4 times... When was she going to hear him say no. Lol!

First, at 4... Kids are egocentric- MANY 4 year olds CANT let their parents talk for long periods of time without getting bored!!! They just have the social awareness to NOT say it-- your DD just doesn't get that social cue. Don't tell her she is rude... :( she will struggle enough with self esteem that judgement from mom wont help. :(. I KNOW it looks like rude... BUT its not! She is 4... And is still learning! You wouldn't call a baby rude for crying & demanding food... Developmentally she isn't "reciprocal" in her abilities and you cant strengthen that by teaching. :)

she has preferred topics that she wants to talk about? Am I right... Your talking about... Dinner? She interrupts with princess stuff.
I am curious IF you interrupt her talking; how does she handle it? Upset?

When she is calm... And you guys are riding in the car... (A non eye contact conversation) say "Ive noticed sometimes Ill be talking and youll start talking about something else in the middle. Whats up with that?"
Dont say it judgmentally ( just saying) you want her honest opinion on why she interrupts. If someone puts a judgement on behavior unintentionally we get defensive.
If she gives u an "i dont know" you'll need to reference a specific time.


Hear what she says.

Im wondering IF perhaps she has some impulsivity issues. (Cant wait to tell you her thoughts). If perhaps she has difficulty keeping her thoughts together (an organizational deficit) so if she has gathered a thought... And she doesn't get a chance to tell you- she will lose it- so it becomes important to tell you NOW.
Or if she just needs to work on the classically autistic give and take of conversation.

Does she get speech therapy?

Michele Garcia Winners has great social books for kiddos about taking turn in conversations and how to talk reciprocally... Check her out.

SamMom912
by Platinum Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 7:48 AM
We had a speech therapist work on conversations with a ball. When I hold the ball Its my turn, then I pass it to you.. You talk.. Then you pass it back...
Talking is like ping pong--
Pick a topic-- try to get 4/6/8 "back & forths".
Nickmom1118
by Nicole on Apr. 11, 2016 at 12:08 PM
Sammom912 has given you great advice.

I will have to agree. It sounds like an impulse control thing.

My son is 6, and we have been working on interupting for a long time. He will start to say excuse me, now. But that took almost 6 months. But he still doesn't understand that if he says excuse me, he needs to let me atleast finish my sentence. It's hard. Nick needs you to hear what he needs to say right away. Once he gave me an insight that I never realized before. We were talking about him wanting my attention right away. And e told me that he will forget. I asked why? He said that if I keep talking with someone else about a different topic it will make him forget what he wants to tell me. (Of course he said this in his broken up speech and it took awhile to understand) So, now I am a little more willing to ask the adult that I'm talking to to hold on a minute. My teaching with Nick is to get him to say excuse me everytime he interrupts, and if I ask him to wait, it's just to finish a sentence I was saying.
neveragain17
by Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 2:36 PM
She was in therapy once she turned 3 they dropped us, her dr won't take me serious so I'm in the middle of getting her switched over. This has been the worst experience for us. It's like I know what she needs but the dr just won't listen. It's hard for me to always remember she is on the spectrum, she is high functioning. Another thing I do and I know I shouldn't but I compare where she is now to where my older kids were at her age. Having 3 older children that are advanced since they were babies meeting all milestones early to my baby girl missing all of hers. Once she turned 2 the PT really worked with her to walk. She finally started walking at 2 years 4 months! The talking came soon after. So since the regional center dropped her as a client on her 3rd birthday the school tested her for a special education pre school and set up iep meeting, (literally 2 days after her 3rd bday) she had been up to 4 days a week with PT OT and speech, pulse early intervention, she was able to sit through almost the whole test without getting to distracted, so they told me she no longer needed services and did not give her an iep. I left confused. I put her in preschool and she kept getting picked on so I pulled her out after only 2 months. I'm so lost and don't know what to do. I have very little support because no one understand in my family and her dad lives out of town so he don't even understand. When she gets to see him I have to end the visit because he gets annoyed when she asks her questions 3 time in a row, that I'm used to she does things in 3s I've told him this over and over. But this interrupting thing has me. I'm from a very strict family and it's a big no no so idk if that is what's got me zoned in on it but at this point I'm picking my battles and this one seems like I'm gonna have to let go and work on this and hope maybe she picks up on the ques.

Quoting SamMom912: This IS definetely part of her disability!!!

I so dont like "rude" perception. :(

My friend a few years ago was watching Sam.
She asked if he wanted a snack. He said "no thank you." She said "i have cookies." He said "no thank you." She said "i have chips" "no thank you" she replied "they're your favorite" then he said "how many times will I have to say no thank you before you leave me alone?"
She called him rude.
THIS is autism.
He was saying his thoughts, no filter no "awareness" that the other person may perceive his honesty as rude. He was saying No thank you. He didn't want anything... And honestly... 4 times... When was she going to hear him say no. Lol!

First, at 4... Kids are egocentric- MANY 4 year olds CANT let their parents talk for long periods of time without getting bored!!! They just have the social awareness to NOT say it-- your DD just doesn't get that social cue. Don't tell her she is rude... :( she will struggle enough with self esteem that judgement from mom wont help. :(. I KNOW it looks like rude... BUT its not! She is 4... And is still learning! You wouldn't call a baby rude for crying & demanding food... Developmentally she isn't "reciprocal" in her abilities and you cant strengthen that by teaching. :)

she has preferred topics that she wants to talk about? Am I right... Your talking about... Dinner? She interrupts with princess stuff.
I am curious IF you interrupt her talking; how does she handle it? Upset?

When she is calm... And you guys are riding in the car... (A non eye contact conversation) say "Ive noticed sometimes Ill be talking and youll start talking about something else in the middle. Whats up with that?"
Dont say it judgmentally ( just saying) you want her honest opinion on why she interrupts. If someone puts a judgement on behavior unintentionally we get defensive.
If she gives u an "i dont know" you'll need to reference a specific time.


Hear what she says.

Im wondering IF perhaps she has some impulsivity issues. (Cant wait to tell you her thoughts). If perhaps she has difficulty keeping her thoughts together (an organizational deficit) so if she has gathered a thought... And she doesn't get a chance to tell you- she will lose it- so it becomes important to tell you NOW.
Or if she just needs to work on the classically autistic give and take of conversation.

Does she get speech therapy?

Michele Garcia Winners has great social books for kiddos about taking turn in conversations and how to talk reciprocally... Check her out.

A_McCool
by on Apr. 11, 2016 at 2:54 PM

I think you've been given good advice. 

I'm almost 30, and I still struggle with not interrupting.  It drives my husband crazy, but if I think of something and don't say it, I will forget.  If I forget what to say, I end up not participating in conversations at all which, also, drives people crazy.


SamMom912
by Platinum Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 6:25 PM
Im SO sorry youre having such struggles. If your in Southern NY, LMK... Im always looking for non-virtual friends! Lol!!

So your CSE denied her services and your pediatrician says "she is fine?" Or do you have an actual autism diagnosis?
Do u have insurance?
What state are you in? (Different states have different laws regarding autism & services)

Asking in 3s? Like HAS to ask questions in 3s? Like OCD questioning?

I think its PERFECTLY natural to measure her up to ur other kids; lol... But tes, even IF she is high functioning (my son is also) that doesnt mean she will "always" look so "neurotypical" (the clinical word for "normal" (whatever THAT means...lol)
But as kids on the spectrum get older; demands change and they dont always handle it. :(
Example: parallel play at 3 looks ok. Parallel play at 6 looks impaired. :(

Your DD May end up getting help thru ur school district when she starts. Will she be going to K in the fall or nit 5 soon?
Noahs-Mom
by Bronze Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 6:54 PM

my oldest tried something like that. I put my fingers over his mouth and told him he could not talk till I was done. I said in different ways... you may not interupt me. That is an unneeded behavior. 

If I where you I would ask her teacher and ABA therapist. 

neveragain17
by Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 7:33 PM
1 mom liked this
We are in CA! I don't have any friends that have these struggles lol like her in 3s are with everything, she asks a question 3 times and confirms answer 3 times. Umm snacks she always tries for 3 so I always divide it into 3 and give her one piece at a time. She has a diagnosis from her neurologist and we were with the regional center but they dropped her as a client because she tested well at the school district but she was fresh out of therapy ,PT OT and speech, plus early intervention so that's why she did so well. The ceo of the Reginoal cent was recently let go due to her not giving the clients fair opportunity so I might try to get her back in with them.

Quoting SamMom912: Im SO sorry youre having such struggles. If your in Southern NY, LMK... Im always looking for non-virtual friends! Lol!!

So your CSE denied her services and your pediatrician says "she is fine?" Or do you have an actual autism diagnosis?
Do u have insurance?
What state are you in? (Different states have different laws regarding autism & services)

Asking in 3s? Like HAS to ask questions in 3s? Like OCD questioning?

I think its PERFECTLY natural to measure her up to ur other kids; lol... But tes, even IF she is high functioning (my son is also) that doesnt mean she will "always" look so "neurotypical" (the clinical word for "normal" (whatever THAT means...lol)
But as kids on the spectrum get older; demands change and they dont always handle it. :(
Example: parallel play at 3 looks ok. Parallel play at 6 looks impaired. :(

Your DD May end up getting help thru ur school district when she starts. Will she be going to K in the fall or nit 5 soon?
neveragain17
by Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 7:49 PM
We don't have any services, she's not in school anymore. I was told she would do fine in a regular preschool and she kept getting picked on so I pulled her out.

Quoting Noahs-Mom:

my oldest tried something like that. I put my fingers over his mouth and told him he could not talk till I was done. I said in different ways... you may not interupt me. That is an unneeded behavior. 

If I where you I would ask her teacher and ABA therapist. 

perrywinkle
by Bronze Member on Apr. 11, 2016 at 8:39 PM
1 mom liked this
My NT son who is four has the same problem. He wants to tell me things all the time and gets upset if I can't listen to him at that moment. I don't think it is rude, but they don't have the control to wait and when you add in autism it is even harder.

With my son I started telling him a specific time he could tell me- after I do the dishes, in five minutes, ect... I sometimes just have to tell him sometimes are off limits- mornings when we are going out the door, therapy time for his brother, quiet time. He does eventually get the message.
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