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Another play date question..

Posted by on Oct. 22, 2016 at 12:37 AM
  • 4 Replies

Hi My son has started socialising, so i am trying to make the most out of it by having play dates. I need advice. He been having play dates with a boy who is 4. Many times the boy starts to physically push or bang himself into other kids without any provocation. Today we had a play date in a park when he had just come from school. He started to tell my son “I don’t want to be your friend, u can’t climb on this slide, you can't get on the train, I don't want to play with you” etc. I told my son to give him space and that he needs sometime on his own.

His mother repeatedly told him to be kind, took him aside and spoke to him but it was of no use. He would suddenly push my son. His mother told me to tell him “Don’t touch A (my son) or I will give you a timeout”. So I went and told the boy that. He remembers for a few minutes and again back to his old self. On some play dates they have played together for an hour and my son really enjoys his company. His mother tries to teach him, she doesn’t ignore whatever he does, but she doesn’t always follow through with the consequences she gives him. She said he is learning all this in school. And I feel the boy doesn’t say those things with any intention. I also told the boy “Slide is for all kids, keep your hands to yourself”. At one point my son was in tears, so I told him “Be strong, tell him that he can’t stop you from playing in the park. Others will tell you many things, that doesn’t make it true, you need to be strong”, in front on the boy and his mother. His mother is friendly, she gives a lot of attention to my son. She supports whatever I say, is constantly correcting her son  and tells me to reprimand him also, but I don't feel comfortable saying things to other kids.  She sent me a message apologising for her son's behavior today. What should I do? Should I reduce play dates with this boy?

by on Oct. 22, 2016 at 12:37 AM
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Replies (1-4):
perrywinkle
by Bronze Member on Oct. 22, 2016 at 8:41 AM
Maybe it is the timing of the play date. After school could be a bad time for him. You can try again at another time when he was better behaved.

I personally wouldn't correct the boy. Let his mom handle it. Limit the play dates if he is always like that. You could still get toegether with the mom when the boys are in school.
SamMom912
by Platinum Member on Oct. 22, 2016 at 8:42 AM
Honestly it sounds like the boy has issues- Adhd, body awareness, proprioceptive input, controlling, anxiety. Were there many kids in the playground? What time of day?
I think you can set the playdates up for more success if the playtime is more structured. If the child is nit tired or overstimulated.

Id try to do a more structured activity with them. Or a structured activity at the park (obstacle course where the child is required to follow pattern- is organized) Make sure the boy get good proprioceptive input (jumping, pulling, pressure- (even drinking theu a straw & chewing may help- maybe start playdate with small snack) at the beginning of playtime to help regulate himself. Free playtime is hard for kids with issues.

As far as your/her disciplining. I am sure she is doibg her best. You mention it doesnt seem like she follows thru; but maybe concequencing isnt changing boys behavior (because he has issues).

I dont think teaching your son to "stand up" is the answer since when your son having a hard time "standing up to him" isnt the answer. I like the idea of space and redirection. Teaching compassion and empathy for rough times.

Dr.Rick Lavoie says the last 15 minutes of any playdate are key. As long as those go well- children will remember the experience positively.

lady-J-Rock
by Niki on Oct. 22, 2016 at 9:50 AM
I agree with Sam's mom. Find a structured activity and have a snack.
The mom is trying to teach her child the proper social skills. It takes a long time to teach and practice those skills.
rebecca_new_mom
by Gold Member on Oct. 22, 2016 at 10:26 AM

Try a different setting and type of activity. Also maybe a different time of day as well. Hopefully that will work :) It sounds like the mom is trying and it's great that you are both building a friendship :) 

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