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Emotions running rampid.

Posted by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 10:52 PM
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Sorry that I have been MIA. Been busy. I started up my own Photography business, been working tons, graduating college July 29th. And of course being a mom to a 5 month old on the verge of being mobile. 

Here is my rant, my day, the beginning of the end. 

When a terminally sick loved one starts to decline they really start declining. It's fast and without notice.

One day they get this burst of wind and energy. Just like their old selves. This wind is deception though. In truth it could be their last before the final countdown. This is what the doctors don't tell you. That this final burst of energy is only the beginning of the end. Instead of telling you the truth, they let you hang on to hope with all your might. Thinking, just maybe, just maybe.

Reality sits in today. My very special loved one (This person has not yet announced things to everyone, so to keep from spilling the beans, or causing family drama, I will say loved one for now, until they tell the rest of the family first), is about to tank out on us.

There's an infection brewing in her lungs. On top of that she is having multi organ failure. Kidneys are going, and now she's hooked up to that machine, her liver is apparently at 50%. Reality sits in more. 

Standing in a hall way, I learn this. Standing in a hallway holding my 5 month old child, I realize this loved one, may not make it to see him turn 1, she'll be lucky to see him hit 6 months at the end of the month.

As I sat quietly on the drive home; pain, frustration, anger, sadness all roars inside me. My husband desperately trying to find the right words of wisdom and comfort, I slip in and out of consciousness. I barely know my child in the back seat jabbering, and playing to himself. 

One right after another, a wave of shock, followed by disbelief, followed by sadness, then anger, then frustration. One by one, they rip through me. One by one, I fear the most. I fear, any day now, I will get THAT call. One by one, They send tears, of all sorts.

I have heard that when you are dying, you see your life flash before you eyes. However what they don't tell you is that your loved ones, lives with you flash before their lives. 

I start seeing my earliest memories with this loved one. I start remembering Christmas's of childhood passed. I'm filled with Ghost, of should have's, could have's, and want to's. Is this really the end? This can't be happening. No, no, someone pinch me, wake me up, and let me know it was just a really bad dream.

The shock starts to wear off a little bit. Then open the gates here it comes. What am I mourning for? She hasn't passed yet? There's still hope still! Right? It isn't over until the fat lady sings, and she hasn't yet! But yet, I'm mourning. I sit here thinking, to myself, "Why me God. Why her? Why does Jayden not get to know the ONE "G" that wants to know him and love him, and be there in his life? Why not So and so, who could give two cents about him?" 

I find myself bargaining with God. I find myself trying to make a deal with God, so that he doesn't take her. "Take me instead" is what I want to say. However, I don't. Because it would be far worse to leave my husband alone in this world with out son, and my son without a mother. "What can I give you God, to leave her be, until a ripe old age?" 

Are these words falling onto deaf ears? Impossible, I know He is there. He is everywhere. I know He is listening to me, but why wont He answer me?

Is this just a preparation for whats to come in the end? Or is it the real deal? Is it just a low? How am I suppose to know?

Instead, I sit here. Waiting, patiently. Waiting. What else can I do.

I wanna feel numb, but I can't. I have a husband who needs his wife, and a child who needs his mommy. So what do I do? What else can I do?

I start to think, am I going to be okay? Is it going to be painful for her? How can I stop it? How can I make her okay? How can I comfort her? How is this fair? 

Indeed, I sit here, after feeding my son, pushing around some food on my dinner plate, I play with him, and watch him play a tad bit. I sit here after bathing him, folding all the laundry and doing the dishes,  I sit here after laying him peacefully in bed. I just sit here and wonder.... Why us God? Why now? Why?

It's hard not to think about the future, when the future may not exist. It's hard not to cram as much time into a small amount of time, when time may stop.

Please God, Please, hear my prayer. Not yet. Just give us a little more time. Please, Not yet. 

That's what is on my heart today. Have a good night.



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by on Mar. 2, 2011 at 10:52 PM
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