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Need advice on what to say to my husband without being condescending.....

Posted by on Oct. 17, 2011 at 12:58 PM
  • 10 Replies

While teaching my eight year old son, I had a breakthrough that may help solve a problem I've had with my husband for 12 years.  I finally realized that my son is not being disobedient when he does not do what I ask him to or doesn't follow instructions correctly. He just did not process what I said. He hears me, but his brain has not acknowledged that is something he needs to remember.  I finally connected this to my husband who seems to not listen to me either.  They both have the same personality where they always have something going on in their mind.  Both are very intelligent, but my husband was labeled dumb in school.  My son was headed down the same path, so we are now home schooling. They hear me (or anybody else) and really intend to do it, they just do not process it and it completely leaves them before they do it.  I mentioned this to my husband and he was relieved somebody finally figured it out. To fix this, I have my son repeat what the instructions were and I am able to tell if he processed what they were or not. My question is: How do I do this with my husband without sounding condescending?  I really do not want to ask him to repeat what I just said! :) I would love to just be his wife and not a teacher. 

by on Oct. 17, 2011 at 12:58 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Danielle163
by on Oct. 17, 2011 at 1:04 PM

 Maybe you ask your husband if HE thinks that doing the repeating thing will help him? From what you said, sounds like he's relieved that someone "gets" him. He might be more open to it than what you think---Can't hurt to ask him. Then if he says no, then you two could sit down together and figure it out. Just a thought............

2turtles
by on Oct. 17, 2011 at 1:31 PM

Thanks!  I did ask him and he said asking him to repeat it would help. It just felt weird. I swear it felt like I even used the same tone as I do with my son!  I guess if he dosn't have a problem with it, I shouldn't either. My hope is that after doing this with them for awhile, they will be able to mentally repeat it without me.

mem82
by Platinum Member on Oct. 17, 2011 at 1:49 PM

I would do this and then, maybe, ask him for help figuring out an issue you have. That way it's more of a give and take thing. 8)

Quoting Danielle163:

 Maybe you ask your husband if HE thinks that doing the repeating thing will help him? From what you said, sounds like he's relieved that someone "gets" him. He might be more open to it than what you think---Can't hurt to ask him. Then if he says no, then you two could sit down together and figure it out. Just a thought............


Knightquester
by Bronze Member on Oct. 17, 2011 at 4:13 PM
1 mom liked this

I've met other busy married couples that tend to make written list or notes to each other and this is how they get over the forgetfulness hurtle.  For some of us our brains are going so fast and we tend to forget the hundred things we're processing and all of what we need to do.

I make chore list for the kids to check off what they've done and to remind them of what they have.  I also make shopping list for myself and my husband.  Some weekends when we're really busy my husband will ask me to make him a honey do list which tells him of what to fix and do to help out around the house, it's a nice reminder that even I do for myself.

Calendars hung in plain view are also nice for reminding us about appointments, visits places and such.

oredeb
by on Oct. 17, 2011 at 4:22 PM

 wow 2turtles thats great! one of the kids i teach is the same way and i do the same thing ask him to repeat it to me, also he writes stuff down in a little booklet he keeps.

is your son more of a visual learner?

for your dh maybe you could tell him and then also have it written on a piece of paper on the frigerator

utkallie
by on Oct. 17, 2011 at 4:52 PM


Quoting oredeb:
is your son more of a visual learner?

I'm wondering the exact same thing! My DD is a visual learner and struggles with listening so much that we have her in therapy because she is showing early signs of Auditroy Processing Disorder.

There are times that my DD acts deaf but really she just can't process what is being said to her. Following directions, especially outside of a one on one setting is extremely hard for her.

Boobah
by Nikki :) on Oct. 17, 2011 at 5:30 PM
1 mom liked this
We do the same thing! We use cozi.com which is an online organizer. We can get to it from our cell phones, iPods, iPad, and any computer that has Internet. That way when we need something, or schedule something it is on the list/calendar and always accessible to both of us. It has made a world of difference, even in cleaning! I will make a "Sunday to do" list, and then he knows what I need done so he doesn't have to ask, and doesn't have an excuse to not do anything. :)

Quoting Knightquester:

I've met other busy married couples that tend to make written list or notes to each other and this is how they get over the forgetfulness hurtle.  For some of us our brains are going so fast and we tend to forget the hundred things we're processing and all of what we need to do.

I make chore list for the kids to check off what they've done and to remind them of what they have.  I also make shopping list for myself and my husband.  Some weekends when we're really busy my husband will ask me to make him a honey do list which tells him of what to fix and do to help out around the house, it's a nice reminder that even I do for myself.

Calendars hung in plain view are also nice for reminding us about appointments, visits places and such.

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Knightquester
by Bronze Member on Oct. 17, 2011 at 11:19 PM


Quoting Boobah:

We do the same thing! We use cozi.com which is an online organizer. We can get to it from our cell phones, iPods, iPad, and any computer that has Internet. That way when we need something, or schedule something it is on the list/calendar and always accessible to both of us. It has made a world of difference, even in cleaning! I will make a "Sunday to do" list, and then he knows what I need done so he doesn't have to ask, and doesn't have an excuse to not do anything. :)

I'll have to check out cozi.com, I've never heard of that.  We also use text messaging and Yahoo messaging since my husbands a developer and is allowed to keep a messaging system up.  That sounds like an awesome site that'd be a nice addition, thanks for sharing :-)

I can say that keeping on the same page when you're a busy couple is nice and one of the best ways is to make schedules, lists and calendars with what's going on and when.

wright1212
by on Oct. 18, 2011 at 8:30 AM

 My husband has ADHD so he forgets lots of things. I tell him and write it down. He knows I am a list maker and planner, ive just always been that way. Also I have several times I am not home in the evening or have things I have to go do, so texting is also an easy way. I also always made myself a list, so he never felt belittled by it.

My older 2 are on the ADD in some ways. Not only is having kids repeat, read, and listen. But adding the visual AND physical to it. For example I teach a tumbling class and the girls did not process how to do a roundoff. So finally I told them to pretend they were upside down and I made their arms do it, they totally got it. Same for my DD learning math, we use fingers since its a physical way to learn.

Mommy to Corbin (9-epilepsy,autism, add) Kayla (6) Collin (2), Wife to Ben-OT, and I love teaching- M.Ed Early Childhood. SAHM & Homeschooling. Come watch us at www.youtube.com/user/1212wright

2turtles
by on Oct. 18, 2011 at 11:03 AM

Thanks ladies. Great advice.  The writing down does not help with my husband. There's been a honey do list on the fridge for 2 months!  :) We've also gone through blackberry's, digital org, etc.  It doesn't help him because he doesn't even look at the lists.  I think for him the key is importance. If it's important to him he goes full throttle. So now I need to figure out how to stress to him that something is important to me. 

I think my son is a unique learner. Still trying to figure him out.  I know things take forever and then he just gets it.  The key  for me now is to figure out how to shorten the "get it" time. 

Im hoping we're on the right track!

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