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OT: What would you ladies do if your mother was constantly asking your daughter to lie for her?

Posted by on Nov. 20, 2011 at 8:04 PM
  • 23 Replies

And they are just white lies, really. For example, Mom took Missie (10) to Joann's so Missie could buy some yarn. Well, she made a pit stop at a check loan place and got a $100 loan until Friday. Then she tells Missie not to tell me, and if I ask what took so long to lie and say traffic was bad. It's always dumb things like that. Plus, she told her not to mention that she (my mom) spent $25 dollars on yarn. I don't want to forbid them from seeing each other, I don't want to hurt their relationship, but this is getting stupid. PLUS, we are those parents that tell our kids that lying is the worst thing ever and we practice rewarding honesty, even when they are reporting a bad thing they did and HUGELY punishing dishonesty. Missie gets really uncomfortable being put in the middle and tattling so to speak but she feels worse not telling the truth or hearing her grandmother lie.



by on Nov. 20, 2011 at 8:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Lynette
by Member on Nov. 20, 2011 at 8:27 PM
1 mom liked this

First sit down and and a serious conversation w/ grandma.  Explain what you are teaching about lying, and that white lies are a big deal.  And they make your DD really uncomfortable.  Tell her you would rather have the truth and you wouldn't be mad like you would from a lie.  If she accepts this then go talk to DD.  Explain that this is just the way that grandma is, that she is trying to change but it's hard.  And that she should continue to tell you the truth no matter what secrets grandma asks her to keep.

mem82
by Platinum Member on Nov. 20, 2011 at 8:48 PM

That's good advice. I was trying to figure out a way to talk to Missie about it without it coming across like I was angry at Mom, even though I am. The sad thing is, and this will sound crazy but it's true, Mom doesn't like the fact that the kids don't lie. She thinks it's unnatural and I'm messing them up for life. Seriously. We have had conversations about her asking the kids to lie before and that's what she thinks. 8( How do you even reason with that?



allornone
by on Nov. 20, 2011 at 8:50 PM

Did she do this when you were little? If so, how did you learn it was wrong?

Boobah
by Nikki :) on Nov. 20, 2011 at 8:51 PM
I agree with Lynette. And how on earth is NOT lying messing up the kids for life? Rofl
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mem82
by Platinum Member on Nov. 20, 2011 at 9:01 PM

8( I'm the black sheep of the family. I'm the only person in my family to not get arrested. All three of my brothers have done jail time for drugs, drunk driving, and assault. They think my husband is too good for me and that I have gotten above myself. Homeschooling is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever done. I don't know why I didn't follow the path my entire family took, not to say I haven't accumulated my share of sins, but I turned my life around when I had my first kid at 18. I decided that I wasn't going to be a welfare ridden teen mom so I changed. I lied like a politician right up until then. lol Parenting makes you practice what you preach. How could I tell my kids not to lie, when I did? It's a very lonely spot I hold in my family.

Quoting allornone:

Did she do this when you were little? If so, how did you learn it was wrong?


mem82
by Platinum Member on Nov. 20, 2011 at 9:03 PM

She just thinks it is harmless and it helps avoid a lot of trouble even though it never works out that way. My mom is an odd person. LOL

Quoting Boobah:

I agree with Lynette. And how on earth is NOT lying messing up the kids for life? Rofl


Lynette
by Member on Nov. 20, 2011 at 9:09 PM

reminds me of when my kids ask why the neighbors don't go to church or why someone would be mean to someone else.  I explain to them free agency.  We are all given freedom of choice.  Depending on what the offence is I will say that this person isn't bad but they are making different choices, we can't control their actions but we can choose to be the best person we can be by being true to ourselves.  And we need to try to accept others for who they are like we want them to accept us, even though we are different.

When I was a child my biofather used to give us toys and then the next time we visited him sometimes they wouldn't be there anymore(latter discover that he re-gifted our toys to his girlfriends kids ).  I would come home crying to mom.  She couldn't tell me what she really thought of my father because that would have made our visitation weekends all the harder on us.  So instead she explained to me that a gift from him was like getting a balloon.  You enjoy it while you can but eventually it goes away.  I can't believe the restraint she had to tell me that.  But it helped me a lot growing up.  She had to explain a lot of my bio-fathers flaws to us growing up and she always managed to find an honest way to explain his actions so they didn't hurt so much.

sew4fun
by on Nov. 20, 2011 at 9:13 PM

OMGosh! Do we have the same parents ? LOL My family treats me the same way ! I had similar issues with my mother and my children. I did tell her taht if she continued to act this way she would be allowed to spend time with my girls. Now mind you there were a TON of things going on .

Quoting mem82:

8( I'm the black sheep of the family. I'm the only person in my family to not get arrested. All three of my brothers have done jail time for drugs, drunk driving, and assault. They think my husband is too good for me and that I have gotten above myself. Homeschooling is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever done. I don't know why I didn't follow the path my entire family took, not to say I haven't accumulated my share of sins, but I turned my life around when I had my first kid at 18. I decided that I wasn't going to be a welfare ridden teen mom so I changed. I lied like a politician right up until then. lol Parenting makes you practice what you preach. How could I tell my kids not to lie, when I did? It's a very lonely spot I hold in my family.

Quoting allornone:

Did she do this when you were little? If so, how did you learn it was wrong?




mem82
by Platinum Member on Nov. 20, 2011 at 9:27 PM

We've already been through her not getting to see the kids a few years ago. 8( I don't want to go back to that but I will do it if we have too.

Isn't it odd to look at your family through the eyes of a mother and not a daughter/sister.  Plus, it's always vaguely embarrassing not to have a 'regular' family.

Quoting sew4fun:

OMGosh! Do we have the same parents ? LOL My family treats me the same way ! I had similar issues with my mother and my children. I did tell her taht if she continued to act this way she would be allowed to spend time with my girls. Now mind you there were a TON of things going on .

Quoting mem82:

8( I'm the black sheep of the family. I'm the only person in my family to not get arrested. All three of my brothers have done jail time for drugs, drunk driving, and assault. They think my husband is too good for me and that I have gotten above myself. Homeschooling is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever done. I don't know why I didn't follow the path my entire family took, not to say I haven't accumulated my share of sins, but I turned my life around when I had my first kid at 18. I decided that I wasn't going to be a welfare ridden teen mom so I changed. I lied like a politician right up until then. lol Parenting makes you practice what you preach. How could I tell my kids not to lie, when I did? It's a very lonely spot I hold in my family.

Quoting allornone:

Did she do this when you were little? If so, how did you learn it was wrong?




mem82
by Platinum Member on Nov. 20, 2011 at 9:29 PM

Your mother sounds like a wise and gracious person. I'm jealous!! LOL jk  The kids and I do spend a lot of time talking about personal responsiblity.

Quoting Lynette:

reminds me of when my kids ask why the neighbors don't go to church or why someone would be mean to someone else.  I explain to them free agency.  We are all given freedom of choice.  Depending on what the offence is I will say that this person isn't bad but they are making different choices, we can't control their actions but we can choose to be the best person we can be by being true to ourselves.  And we need to try to accept others for who they are like we want them to accept us, even though we are different.

When I was a child my biofather used to give us toys and then the next time we visited him sometimes they wouldn't be there anymore(latter discover that he re-gifted our toys to his girlfriends kids ).  I would come home crying to mom.  She couldn't tell me what she really thought of my father because that would have made our visitation weekends all the harder on us.  So instead she explained to me that a gift from him was like getting a balloon.  You enjoy it while you can but eventually it goes away.  I can't believe the restraint she had to tell me that.  But it helped me a lot growing up.  She had to explain a lot of my bio-fathers flaws to us growing up and she always managed to find an honest way to explain his actions so they didn't hurt so much.


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