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I was reading through the replies and saw a lot of different views (since the post went "public" so to speak.) One thing I don't get is when people say "You have to have time to be 'you'. You know, the 'you' that you were before you had kids,"

Can someone explain this logic to me? In my mind, those people might as well be saying "After you're married, you have to have girls nights so you can be the 'you' that you were before you were married." Are you not the same 'you'? Why does someone feel the need to relive a past part of their life? When you have kids, you give up the childless part of you. When you get married, you give up the single part of you. When you get a job, you give up the unemployed part of you, etc. It doesn't mean you can't take time to do the things you love doing, it just means that things in your life are now different. Why feel the need to go back and live in the past??

To me, it's like a 30 yr old having to be the person she was in college and start clubbing and drinking and womanizing again (not saying everyone does this... Just throwing out an example) That chapter of your life is closed. Look at what you have know and enjoy your life for what it is!

Idk. I just don't get that logic.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 3:16 AM
Replies (41-44):
kirbymom
by Sonja on Jul. 3, 2012 at 9:37 PM

 Wow! I feel like I have missed something rather huge.  I don't understand what all the fuss is about.  Is it wrong to want/need time to gather your wits and think a bit by yourself without any interference from kids and or hubby?

 I am married, 17 yrs now, have 7 kids, have had 4 miscarriages, never leave the house,  do not have any friends except on here(?), am always around my children 7 days a week 24 hours a day. The last time I leeft the house was when we moved over a year ago. The time before that was about 4 yrs before, I had seen the outside world other than my yard.  So, as you can see, I am a very, highly involved mom.  I love my kids more now than ever and my love for them grows every day.  I would die in their place if it were the best choice for them.  BUT...

Just as they need, so do the parents. if the parents do not get some adult conversation once in awhile, they will stagnate and not understand how to help their children deal with the problems of today nor will the parents be up to the challenges all children bring in their up bringing just by growing up, let alone growing up into today's world with all of its ups and down and pitfalls.  We parents have to have our brain just as stimulated as any young child does.  And, the only way to do that is by conversing with another adult with similar mental capacities of thought process.  Needing some time with another adult shouldn't be just for yourself, it should also be for the benefit of the children too. They realize they need to have some time to learn without the parents overshadowing every thought or decision or action.  And the parents need to realize that in so doing, they are helping their children learn to live life on their own and to be able to commend them when they are doing a great job at it or to show them where the children could/need to improve to be able to learn on their own.  So when I say I need to be around another adult or have some hubby-wife time, its for very valid reasons. Hubbies and wives need some time to continue to cultivate their relationship. That's how marriages work and stay together.  When the need is to be around another adult, its just so they can bring about their own stimulations so they can be better prepared for their relationships with their kids and their whole family. 

 Just as with anything else in life, living life is a work in progress and there are going to be some bad eggs as well as some good eggs and some in between.  If we are the adults we claim to be, then we should be able to discern the differences and act/speak accordingly to each.   This is one of the best groups I have been in,  in a long darn time since I have been on the internet starting back years ago in the mid nineties..  If I happen to dis agree with someone, then I dis agree. Does that make me a horrible human being?  No.  Does that make the someone else a horrible human being? I think not.  Being different is why this world works.  But

  I do have to agree that if you have children, then you shouldn't want to go out every other night and party and leave your kids un-attended or not spend any time with them.  You should realize that you are not giving up who you arewhen you have a kid but adding to who and what you are.  Kids are a fuller, broader picture of who and what we are as adults.  They are the legacy we leave to the future. Why wouldn't I want to do the best I can...for my kids and for myself?

ablessedlife
by Member on Jul. 3, 2012 at 10:00 PM
3 moms liked this
I agree. I like the way that Tony Campolo has explained it. Our identity is like an onion. We think we have to peel away parts of ourselves in order to find our true identity. But the things that we peel away are our COMMITMENTS. Friend, sister, wife, mother, aunt. After we have peeled away our commitments, we discover that there is nothing there. Our commitments are who we are.
littlelambe2
by on Jul. 4, 2012 at 2:56 AM
I am not against a parent spending time away from their children. I do, however, feel that it shouldn't happen at the expense of a child. For every family, it's a different playing field.


Quoting kirbymom:

 Wow! I feel like I have missed something rather huge.  I don't understand what all the fuss is about.  Is it wrong to want/need time to gather your wits and think a bit by yourself without any interference from kids and or hubby?


 I am married, 17 yrs now, have 7 kids, have had 4 miscarriages, never leave the house,  do not have any friends except on here(?), am always around my children 7 days a week 24 hours a day. The last time I leeft the house was when we moved over a year ago. The time before that was about 4 yrs before, I had seen the outside world other than my yard.  So, as you can see, I am a very, highly involved mom.  I love my kids more now than ever and my love for them grows every day.  I would die in their place if it were the best choice for them.  BUT...


Just as they need, so do the parents. if the parents do not get some adult conversation once in awhile, they will stagnate and not understand how to help their children deal with the problems of today nor will the parents be up to the challenges all children bring in their up bringing just by growing up, let alone growing up into today's world with all of its ups and down and pitfalls.  We parents have to have our brain just as stimulated as any young child does.  And, the only way to do that is by conversing with another adult with similar mental capacities of thought process.  Needing some time with another adult shouldn't be just for yourself, it should also be for the benefit of the children too. They realize they need to have some time to learn without the parents overshadowing every thought or decision or action.  And the parents need to realize that in so doing, they are helping their children learn to live life on their own and to be able to commend them when they are doing a great job at it or to show them where the children could/need to improve to be able to learn on their own.  So when I say I need to be around another adult or have some hubby-wife time, its for very valid reasons. Hubbies and wives need some time to continue to cultivate their relationship. That's how marriages work and stay together.  When the need is to be around another adult, its just so they can bring about their own stimulations so they can be better prepared for their relationships with their kids and their whole family. 


 Just as with anything else in life, living life is a work in progress and there are going to be some bad eggs as well as some good eggs and some in between.  If we are the adults we claim to be, then we should be able to discern the differences and act/speak accordingly to each.   This is one of the best groups I have been in,  in a long darn time since I have been on the internet starting back years ago in the mid nineties..  If I happen to dis agree with someone, then I dis agree. Does that make me a horrible human being?  No.  Does that make the someone else a horrible human being? I think not.  Being different is why this world works.  But


  I do have to agree that if you have children, then you shouldn't want to go out every other night and party and leave your kids un-attended or not spend any time with them.  You should realize that you are not giving up who you arewhen you have a kid but adding to who and what you are.  Kids are a fuller, broader picture of who and what we are as adults.  They are the legacy we leave to the future. Why wouldn't I want to do the best I can...for my kids and for myself?


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
kirbymom
by Sonja on Jul. 4, 2012 at 2:08 PM
1 mom liked this

 Oh sweetpea, I wasn't directing my comment towards you. I was actually commenting on everyone else's comments.  I agree with you that parents shouldn't want time to be by themselves, when their children need them, just to go out and try and re-capture something from their past.  IMHO to try and go back to capture something you were, just means you don't want to be what you are today.  And what you are today is a woman, a mother, a wife. Not necessarily in this order of course.  And to try and go back to a time before these accomplishments just reveals something about what kind of person you are that is hidden or unbeknownst to yourself or held back, for whatever reason(s). That  is a sad revelation to have about one's own self.

Quoting littlelambe2:

I am not against a parent spending time away from their children. I do, however, feel that it shouldn't happen at the expense of a child. For every family, it's a different playing field.


 

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