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Homeschooling Moms Homeschooling Moms

It's my job to worry

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 2:51 PM
  • 8 Replies

DD15 came out of her hs Chemistry class today and told me there was a new girl there. I asked if she had just moved here or if she'd just left public school. Apparently, the girl was expelled in Nov, very likely for being a danger to herself, has been hospitalized for suicide attempts, and is recovering. DD said that "she was like me, but way worse."

Awesome.

Part of DD's recovery from her depression has been that she's not surrounded by people who feed the negativity to which she's prone. I get that everyone likes to know people who are like them, who have had similar experiences, etc. It makes us feel less alone in the world.

I don't know this girl. I hope and pray that she's on her way to recovery. Having BTDT, I know what her parents must be going through.

But I don't want DD hanging out with her, reliving the experiences and feelings that brought her so low to begin with. I don't know if she has enough distance and maturity to examine that part of her life without it sucking her back in.

New girl is also going to be in our co-op that starts the spring term this Friday and probably in DD's art class.

I don't think there's anything I can actually do to keep them apart, and even if there was, I'm not sure it would be a good idea to do it. She has to learn how to spot potentially negative influences and work through them. And honestly, I don't even know if this girl will be a bad influence. She may be working her way back up, just like DD. In which case, I need to be sure that DD will be a positive force in her life.

Any ideas on what I can say to DD to help her succeed through this encounter?

SusanTheWriter ~ Wife, Mom, Author

by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 2:51 PM
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Replies (1-8):
usmom3
by BJ on Feb. 12, 2013 at 3:06 PM
Use this opportunity to have her look at this new girl from a third persons point of view & have her see her old self in the girl. Sometimes the perspective we have of ourselves isn't as clear as it would be if we observe someone like use. KWIM
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coala
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 3:17 PM

I would help encourage your DD to be a positive influence in her life.  She may be able to help show her that it is okay to live life.  I wouldn't go about forcing them apart at this point....atleast not yet.  I hope that things work out for her.

kirbymom
by Sonja on Feb. 12, 2013 at 3:41 PM

Susan, just sit your daughter down and tell her what you just told us. tell her how you feel. Tell her that she is coming to a point in her life where she must learn to discern the motives and intents of other people. That she is going to learn that even though it may look innocent, in reality it isn't. And vice verse. Then let her go. Just be there to guide her if she asks for it. Only step in if it starts to become a situation that she can't deal with or goes against your fundamental, family rules. It is tough, so very tough, to let one's child go and let them learn to make these adult type decisions.  I have had to go through something very similar with one of mine.   

Quoting SusanTheWriter:

DD15 came out of her hs Chemistry class today and told me there was a new girl there. I asked if she had just moved here or if she'd just left public school. Apparently, the girl was expelled in Nov, very likely for being a danger to herself, has been hospitalized for suicide attempts, and is recovering. DD said that "she was like me, but way worse."

Awesome.

Part of DD's recovery from her depression has been that she's not surrounded by people who feed the negativity to which she's prone. I get that everyone likes to know people who are like them, who have had similar experiences, etc. It makes us feel less alone in the world.

I don't know this girl. I hope and pray that she's on her way to recovery. Having BTDT, I know what her parents must be going through.

But I don't want DD hanging out with her, reliving the experiences and feelings that brought her so low to begin with. I don't know if she has enough distance and maturity to examine that part of her life without it sucking her back in.

New girl is also going to be in our co-op that starts the spring term this Friday and probably in DD's art class.

I don't think there's anything I can actually do to keep them apart, and even if there was, I'm not sure it would be a good idea to do it. She has to learn how to spot potentially negative influences and work through them. And honestly, I don't even know if this girl will be a bad influence. She may be working her way back up, just like DD. In which case, I need to be sure that DD will be a positive force in her life.

Any ideas on what I can say to DD to help her succeed through this encounter?


AutymsMommy
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 3:46 PM

I would be uneasy about it.

You know where YOUR daughter is in her recovery; you have no way of knowing where this other girl is in hers.

I would allow a friendship - with complete supervision (by you).

I am a Home Schooling, Vaccinating, Non spanking, Nightmare Cuddling, Dessert Giving, Bedtime Kissing, Book Reading, Stay at Home Mom. I believe in the benefit of organized after school activities and nosy, involved parents. I believe in spoiling my children. I believe that I have seen the village and I do not want it anywhere near my children. Now for the controversial stuff: we have traditional gender roles, we're Catholic, I'm Libertarian, he's Republican, we're both conservative, and we own guns (now there's no need to ask, lol).             Aimee














KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 4:08 PM

Tell her a lot of what you told us.   Then get involved in any friendship they develop.   Make it a condition of your agreement to their friendship, that your daughter allow you to be involved in it.   Encourage your DD to share with you anything and everything so that you can help lift the girls up BOTH of them....


Jinx-Troublex3
by Jinx on Feb. 12, 2013 at 4:42 PM

I too would not seperate them, but keep an eye on the situation/friendship.

Have you talked to any of hte parents/teachers that run the co-op? Maybe you can have them keep an eye on things as well.

I just took DS1 to his pediatrician for depression yesterday. He has had a really bad attitude, been down, and an emotional WRECK for about 6 months. I'm waiting for a call back from a counselor so while I don't have the end experience, I understand your concerns.

oredeb
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 4:45 PM

 just keep talking to her, keep the talk channel open, so she will go to you if anythinig comes up, 

bluerooffarm
by Gold Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 4:48 PM

 One of my best friends in high school got pregnant at 15.  My mom tried to "forbid me" from being friends with her just when she needed it.  My mom thought I was too delicate because I had attempted suicide the year before.  Her sheltering made me feel as though she saw me as damaged.  It really weakened our relationship for a while. 

Since then we have talked about it and she has voiced all the concerns she had and all the worries she had and I explained my side of how the girl really needed me at that time and I really needed her too.  She was the other side to my coin.  I could have eaasily gone in the direction of sex = love that she had instead of the direction I had tried to go.  I got to see the troubles she had and all of it when I sneaked around to stay friends with her. 

So (sorry for the long story) I would say tell her what you told us and listen to what she has to say.  It's so hard to let go and trust our kids and help them learn to trust themselves! 

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