Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How do you handle when your child is disrespectful to you, or when they call you names? For the first time my 6 year old called me something completely disrespectful when he was angry. I probably overreacted....more out of hurt then anything else.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Feb. 24, 2013 at 11:18 AM
Replies (11-20):
by Bronze Member on Feb. 25, 2013 at 7:56 AM
Oh boy. This is a big one with us right now. LO played with some five-six year olds a couple of weeks ago at the playground, and the older boys were calling each other "butthead" and "buttface." Well, LO thought that was hilarious, and could not wait to call his daddy "buttleg." LOL. Poor DH. He was baffled. The corners of his mouth twitched, and he worked hard to pull his brows together, to look stern, in spite of wanting to laugh. Of course, it wasn't as funny by the tenth time LO called the dogs "buttleg," and "buttnose." He will be four in May. We have had to talk to him about how some things might seem funny and smart, but calling people names can upset or hurt them.

My brother and I used to call each other terrible names. He developed a tough hide, but it really broke me down. My mother modeled terrible behavior; when she had a bad day or was just sick of being a mother, she would call us pain in the ass or little bastard. Our stepfather called us fuck-up, dipshit, retard, and waste of space. I swore my children would never hear those kinds of words from their parents, and not from anyone else if I could help it.

(@Manytitles: As far as politicians go, my kids know that government employees and elected officials are OUR employees, and they know that dissent is not only legally protected, but healthy and patriotic. We know our president is doing a terrible job, for which anyone else would be fired, were they leading a business the way he is this nation. There is something wrong with hiding that from kids. We don't call him names, but we certainly don't feign to bow and scrape before him LOL. Just want to clarify that because "respect" of the president is being used as a nonobjective tool of destruction by the MSM, and that is something we condone about as much as name calling and bullying in this family.)
by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 8:16 AM
This! They know better than to call names to momma.

Quoting SalemWitchChild:

They don't. And I'll tell you why. Because to be disrespectful or name call me would mean the wrath of momma would come down on their head. They'd be grounded, get spanked and have things taken away.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 10:47 AM

Depending on the offense my boys get pretty severe punishment.  Yesterday my oldest was whining about a toy he had gotten as a gift from someone.  He kept complaining it wasn't good enough so I took it away.  I told him if he couldn't appreciate what he had then he didn't need it at all..  He then started speaking very disrespectfully to me and I sent him to his room.  After a bit I called him back out and we talked about it and about being grateful for the things you have and not complaining about the things you don't.  I THINK it worked.  He didn't complain about anything for the rest of the day anyhow.

by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 11:57 AM
I talk to my kid about it, sometimes I yell, our it sounds like yelling. AHA Parenting is where I go to for advice likr this. I kbow my family has a way to goin repairing the pasthurts so isee it asworking on that. I know I don't want to use the same punishment my parents used, and I know time outs don't work because then it triggers other, to me worse, behavior like hiding, being sneaking and lying. I'm working on trust issues with my 12 year old right now, and he never disrespects me to my face anymore either. So just be careful how you react and method of teaching because it could bite you in the ass later. Better to get it right while they are young if you can.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 12:27 PM

We are pretty strict and address disrespect before it becomes name-calling level.

I don't allow mean faces, stomping feet, muttering under their breath, etc..

My eldest is the one who taught me to do this.  Because there for a while, she was behaving in the above behaviors CONSTANTLY... and one day I got really irritated with it and put her in the driveway and made her throw a fit.   I stood out there and told her she had to stomp her feet in the driveway and scream... 

She woudn't do it at first, but I told her that this was the only place she could throw a fit like that and that once she came back in the house, disrespect was going to STOP.

We also have had to tell her that muttering is disrespectful, and we make her say whatever she was muttering out loud.   She hates that.   Dad will just ignore her and leave her standing in place wherever she is at until she is willing to speak her words out loud.   She stood in the dining room once from 9:30 pm when he got home to deal with her until almost midnight.   Finally, though, she came and admitted what she was muttering and we were able to deal with that.

We've told them that they may have their opinions, they may get angry and go be angry on their bed and mutter to themselves or punch their pillows or something there.   They may also write out how they feel in their journals...

But they may NOT mutter at us when we are speaking with them and they may NOT be disrespectful.

by on Feb. 25, 2013 at 12:38 PM

Another story... and it just happened yesterday.

My almost 5 yr old was being LOUD all day, and I was getting a headache.   I kept telling her to keep it down, use inside voice, etc...  

Finally, about dinner, the baby started crying because I was cooking and had put him in his high chair with some toys.   Anyway, my 5 yr old was yelling louder and louder over top of the baby, and I hushed her a couple times.

The last time, she just completely ignored me like I didn't exist, and mama bear snapped.... I admit, I got mad and hurried her to her room and made her sit on her bed (with some scolding and yelling)...

I knew the scolding and yelling wasn't helping, but hey, we all get angry sometimes... so I stopped and walked away with a new idea.

I ignored her.

When dinner was ready, I fed the others and the baby, and she came out of her room asking where her food was.   I just kept talking over top of her and wouldn't answer her, nor even look at her.

I felt mean, but this has been a constant problem with her.   Making her stop and say "yes maam" or putting her in the corner a zillion times isn't working.

So, I spent about an hour.   We finished dinner and started a game.   She LOST it and just screamed and yelled.   We ignored her... until she finally stopped yelling and just sat at my feet.   That was when I felt she was ready to listen, and that maybe I had found the teachable moment.

I pulled her over and we talked about how it felt to be ignored.   How upset it made her and how it upset me when she does it.

I don't know if I handled it right, but I've been consistent with the making her look at me and aknowledge me.. but it's just been getting worse.

We will see if it works.

She has never been disrespectful in other ways, but two days ago (before this happened) she got mad at her Dad's answer to her and she stomped her feet so hard that a picture near me rattled and then she slammed her door.

I don't know where she is getting it from because no one else in this house behaves that way on a normal basis.  It's just another thing to have to deal with.

by Sonja on Feb. 25, 2013 at 1:06 PM

I'm sorry but I do not ever tolerate that kind of speech. Period. I tell my kids, after I popped them in the mouth first, that there are words that are for kids and adults to use and then there are words that only adults use and then there are words that no one should use and that just because someone uses one of those words, does not mean that we use those words. Period. We make choices to have better thoughts and behavior than that and that those choices are what make the difference between people choose to do what is right and those who chose to not care. We have a saying in our family that might apply here with you. It goes like this...

"Just because you can...doesn't mean you should"

by Silver Member on Feb. 25, 2013 at 1:17 PM

Well, I'm not a popper/spanker/hitter, so I'll answer the question from a gentle parenting perspective.

First, we have rarely had that problem and, when we have, there is generally something else going on. For example, my almost 4 year old has taken to tell me to "go sit down" or "be quiet" - annoying but I have to evaluate a couple things. First, I am the world's worst for yelling those exact lines at the German Shepherd, lol. A lot. Children naturally emulate their parents; I think it's asking far too much to assume a 3 year old can grasp that there are different standards for "mommy talk" and "little boy talk". The obvious cure for this is to stop myself for using words around the preschooler that I don't want him to give back to me. As a short time stopper, I simply get down to his level and say "that isn't nice, if you say ----- again, you'll have to sit in the hallway for a minute" (the hallway, lights on so there's no fear factor, is his "take a break" space - more commonly referred to as "time out" - he hates sitting still for even a minute, so this generally works well).

I very, very rarely have the issue with my eldest (11). Lately she's taken to rolling her eyes or muttering under her breath. Part of the hormones, I'm told - but still not okay. Since she was small, her method of correction has been "do over" - I say "do it over" or "try again" and she knows to take a breath, step back, think, and say it differently (using either different words or a different tone - she can ask for help coming up with those words if she needs the help).

If speaking meanly or calling names becomes a habit, I'm a fan of taking allowance, if punishment must be used. Pick ONE behaviour at a time that you want to focus on and every time that behaviour "needs work" (i.e. everytime child calls you or anyone in the house a derogatory name) they have to give you a dollar. Of course, this only works if they have a steady income (like allowance) coming in.

As difficult as it is, you could also simply ignore it. He/she does it to get a rise out of you. Cock your head, smile, and reply with "I love you". It will annoy him, which may just entertain you, lol.

Good luck - parenting isn't for the faint at heart.

I am a Home Schooling, Vaccinating, Non spanking, Nightmare Cuddling, Dessert Giving, Bedtime Kissing, Book Reading, Stay at Home Mom. I believe in the benefit of organized after school activities and nosy, involved parents. I believe in spoiling my children. I believe that I have seen the village and I do not want it anywhere near my children. Now for the controversial stuff: we have traditional gender roles, we're Catholic, I'm Libertarian, he's Republican, we're both conservative, and we own guns (now there's no need to ask, lol).             Aimee

by Member on Feb. 25, 2013 at 4:02 PM
I sat down with my (then) 6&4yo... We made rules. I only made two, they came up with twelve!! I asked then what the punishment for each rule should be & they unanimously came back with sitting in the corner (a time out).
I drew them on paper plates with crayons and let them paint over them with water colors. We hung them up in the den. Now, my kids even correct eachother w,/"you broke a rule, you have to sit in the corner.". And they do!!!
All I have to say is "are you _____? Do you need to sit in the corner?". And they stop immediately or they sit in the corner. Either way, it works.
So if they were to ever call me a name, it's one of the rules (though I don't know of it falls under being mean or being rude, but either way they already know it's wrong). That also keeps me from over-reacting to things, thusly punishing harsher than required.
by Group Admin on Feb. 26, 2013 at 2:39 AM

 My kids go to time out.  If they can not go to time out, ie... we are moving in a store and it is impossible, I pop thier mouth, not hard they barely feel it.  I think it is more shock than anything because I know it doesnt hurt but they remember that they are to respect me.  Oh I forgot to add before time out or a pop to the mouth I ask them if they would like to try the conversation over.  If so we redo it correctly.  If they are still disrespectful or refuse to answer that is when they get the other punishments.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)