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Am I being too demanding of my husband? edited

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My dh gets to work at 7 - 7:30 as an engineer for one of the Big Three auto companies. He usually gets home at 6:00. He has an hour drive home, so he generally leaves work at 5 or after.

DS has activites that start at 6 twice a week, and dh bowls 1x a week. I am supposed to drive ds to activites then we usually go out to dinner after. DH works late and meets us at the activity. We get home 8 pm-ish

After having my son the entire day along with regular housekeeping, I would like to have a rest. Having him almost the entire day, three days a week is getting too much for me. Dh will come home sometimes to drive ds to activity if I really need it, but shouldn't he just do it more often? Is that so much to ask?


I guess I should edit to say that from Tuesday morning to Friday around 6 pm I have my son with no help. I have MS which drains my energy, but still. Is it more my disease, empty complaining, or real issues?

by on Mar. 12, 2013 at 6:40 PM
Replies (21-30):
BramblePatch
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 1:10 AM
2 moms liked this
Are you sure you are not a troll? Because that statement is assanine. I have my kids 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I get out maybe 2 hours twice a month....and I would not have it any other way :-)


Quoting LovemyQ:

I have him every day, but those three day takes a lot out of me. I have him non-stop from Tues. am to Fri pm.

Quoting Meena20:

You have your kid for three days and you are tired? I have my kids everyday of the week. I only get three hours away from them while they are in school. Why dont you discuss it with your hubby about it.



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Pukalani79
by Kristin on Mar. 13, 2013 at 1:44 AM
3 moms liked this

 I'm probably not going to be much help.  I used to get so frustrated that I wasn't getting the help I felt I should. "Why do I have to do this? Why is it up to me to take care of that? etc" I realized a couple of months ago, that I chose to be a SAHM. I chose to homeschool.  This - is my choice.  I'm fortunate in that my husband can do a lot of work from home, but his is a very high stress job - just like mine is. :) Yes, I need breaks now and then.  So does he though.  We work together to be sure that we get those breaks, but ultimately this was/is my choice.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  Once I changed my attitude about it, life became so much better :) Good luck!

kttycat84
by Bonnie on Mar. 13, 2013 at 3:06 AM
1 mom liked this
This exactly! I get stressed...especially at the end of those days when the girls are fighting with each other over every little thing....but I always have to breathe and remember it's what I want. I wanted to be a SAHM and I wanted to homeschool. I may not have wanted my dh to be in the Navy, working 60+ hours/week when he's home at all...but I wanted him and it was part of the package. He pitches in when he can...when he's home, he's in charge of bedtime for instance...and when the kids were littler he was in charge of baths. He cooks and helps with the housework on weekends and that's really all I can ask of him. He works his butt off so that I can stay home and homeschool....if he doesn't want to run errands at the end of a 13-hour workday, he really shouldn't have to...and I shouldn't get upset if I ask and he says he'd rather not.
Quoting Pukalani79:

 I'm probably not going to be much help.  I used to get so frustrated that I wasn't getting the help I felt I should. "Why do I have to do this? Why is it up to me to take care of that? etc" I realized a couple of months ago, that I chose to be a SAHM. I chose to homeschool.  This - is my choice.  I'm fortunate in that my husband can do a lot of work from home, but his is a very high stress job - just like mine is. :) Yes, I need breaks now and then.  So does he though.  We work together to be sure that we get those breaks, but ultimately this was/is my choice.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  Once I changed my attitude about it, life became so much better :) Good luck!

LovemyQ
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 9:37 AM

He doesn't really want to budge. He thinks I am asking too much. While his job is demanding, he also likes it and it is not as demanding as some. Although the drive does wear him out.

I suppose it is hard for me because I rejuvenate by being alone - there is someone with me constantly, lol. Not to mention I have MS which drains my energy levels.

Your day sounds a bit much to deal with all day. You certainly could use some down time after dealing with that. Thanks for the advice.

Quoting starbeck96:

I am really not much help either.  I homeschool three kids; ages 15 (twin boys) and a 6 year old daughter.  My husband is self employed, but he has a lot going on.  He works from about 7-1:00 everyday (leaves about 6:30 a.m).  He takes a quick shower and is back out the door.  He volunteers at the local public school giving art lessons to 8th graders.  He gives guitar lessons and art lessons too.  Right now things are slow in that area, but should be picking back up.  He is also about to start back to school to hopefully finish his art degree.  He does drywall for a living so he is usually very very tired when he gets home, especially on the days that he hangs and sprays & sands.  So I try not to ask him to do too much. 

If I need a break I just ask him.  Today was one of those days.  My daughter has been sick and so she has been extremely ill.  She was constantly bugging the boys and so they were arguing with her.  They also had a day of constantly arguing with each other...It was a long day...lol.  So, I asked my husband if he would run to the store and grab a few things and take my daughter and one of the boys with him so I could have just 20 minutes of only one child..

The boys are about to start baseball too, so it will be very busy then.  As far as housework goes, I feel your pain.  I do give all my kids chores.  The boys take turns every week washing dishes and helping with laundry.  My daughter will help put up clean, dry dishes and she also helps fold towels and bathcloths, and she helps dust the living room.  Maybe you could give your son a few chores that are appropriate for his age to help you.  It may not be done exactly as you would, but at least it is done..lol.  If it were not for the kids' help, I would never have time to do anything else.  But there are also 4 of us in the house everyday making a mess..lol.

All I can say is to maybe just talk to your husband about it.


LovemyQ
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 9:39 AM
1 mom liked this

Maybe a new, fresh perspective would be helpful for me. Thanks ladies.

Quoting kttycat84:

This exactly! I get stressed...especially at the end of those days when the girls are fighting with each other over every little thing....but I always have to breathe and remember it's what I want. I wanted to be a SAHM and I wanted to homeschool. I may not have wanted my dh to be in the Navy, working 60+ hours/week when he's home at all...but I wanted him and it was part of the package. He pitches in when he can...when he's home, he's in charge of bedtime for instance...and when the kids were littler he was in charge of baths. He cooks and helps with the housework on weekends and that's really all I can ask of him. He works his butt off so that I can stay home and homeschool....if he doesn't want to run errands at the end of a 13-hour workday, he really shouldn't have to...and I shouldn't get upset if I ask and he says he'd rather not.
Quoting Pukalani79:

 I'm probably not going to be much help.  I used to get so frustrated that I wasn't getting the help I felt I should. "Why do I have to do this? Why is it up to me to take care of that? etc" I realized a couple of months ago, that I chose to be a SAHM. I chose to homeschool.  This - is my choice.  I'm fortunate in that my husband can do a lot of work from home, but his is a very high stress job - just like mine is. :) Yes, I need breaks now and then.  So does he though.  We work together to be sure that we get those breaks, but ultimately this was/is my choice.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  Once I changed my attitude about it, life became so much better :) Good luck!


oredeb
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 10:46 AM
1 mom liked this

 hi lovemy !Q, well its probably your disease speaking, thats not long at all to have your son alone lovemyQ, and its not like your husband is doing nothing, hes working so you all can live, what about those other days? wheres your son then?

Knightquester
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 11:23 AM
1 mom liked this

Quote:

Is it more my disease, empty complaining, or real issues?

I think in your case it could be a little bit of all of the above, disease, empty complaining and maybe even a little of a real issue.

MS isn't easy to live with.  My best friend who has her children all day, every day and when she doesn't she's working has Mixed Connective Tissue Disease and it's a daily pain for her to function.  She's on heavy medication and goes into the doctors monthly to check her organs.  Some days are worse than others and so it's draining on her to homeschool one of her children while taking care of the other two, and work 30+ hours in the evenings/nights when her husband gets home until late.  I don't think she has ever gotten a break or day-off since she started her family.

Some of it is just life and some of us have it a little harder than others, but it doesn't mean you don't any right to complain.  I would try to look at the positives in your life and what you do have.  Like I stated earlier things will get easier the older your son gets.  He will be able to fix his own meals, clean and do chores that you do, and even work on his school work independently with little to no instruction.

As for it being a real issue, it could be that you are just needing a few hours in a week to yourself and the real issue is your husbands not seeing that and stepping up offering to give you those hours.  As I've suggested earlier I'd talk to your husband about this, he really could just be oblivious to how you feel.  Maybe schedule those hours after the kids are in bed at night or when drop your son off at his activities take the time while he's occupied to unwind.

We moms, whether we homeschool or not, can get overwhelmed and stressed by the shear amount of responsibilities we're given daily.  We're responsible for raising a human being, sometimes multiple ones and running a house.  Then when you add other things such as schooling whether it's for ourselves or our children, or both, or work, or children's activities and anything else to the pile it becomes sometimes too much.  Try to take your breaks when you can.  Take a few moments in the morning for yourself, maybe while your son eats his breakfast, or before he wakes, or few moments when your son has gone to bed.

If you still need more time communicate to your partner because as many have posted you're lucky enough to not only have one (not all homeschool moms do, some are single moms working and homeschooling), and you're lucky enough to have a husband that is able to be home through a good part of a day.  Try to see if you can work in an hour or two a week of 'you' time, or 30 minutes in the evenings while your husband reads or watches a program with your son.

Leissaintexas
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 12:43 PM

I'm really curious as to how old your son is. If he's old enough to have weekly activities, shouldn't he be old enough that he's not really high maintenence (like a baby or toddler would be)? Or couldn't he be helping out with some housework? Having an older child for only 3 days on your own really doesn't sound like that much. I would be different if he were 3 and you had a couple more kids or something.

oahoah
by Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 1:17 PM
1 mom liked this

Well your DH probably won't know unless you talk to him about it, ask if he's able to commit to 1 of the activity nights a week or whatever else you'd like his help with.  Another option is dropping the activity altogether.  I know my limits and we don't have a lot of outside committments.  I have heard of some families who give 1 subject to Dad and it is his to teach however he would like, evenings, weekends, whatever, they find a way to make it work and the time they are doing this is Mom's time. I would love for my husband to do that but so far it hasn't happened.  I know you didn't ask specifically but one way I have stayed refreshed is by attending regular mom's group nights a couple times a month, this is scheduled in and my husband knows these are important for me so he steps up those one or two nights of the month to handle bedtime while I am out. 

If you do talk to your DH, try not to place blame, just explain how drained you are feeling and how it would be helpful to you if he could pitch in a little more. Good luck.

MamaDearie
by Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 1:48 PM

I suppose I am not much help here. I have 3 kids (two at home with me 24/7)- ages 2, 4, and 9. My husband works over an hour from our home (in good weather) and often works second shift. I take all kids to all activities, usually without any help at all. We live in a very rural area (nearest activity would be a half-hour away). I have to keep the place heated with our woodstove so I am feeding that every couple of hours as well as doing all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and various household chores (and caring for 5 cats).

I have had diagnosis' ranging from fibromyalgia to ms to lupus (none of which seem accurate enough or well-documented enough for me to say I actually have them) and actually do have Reynauld's Phenomenon (diagnosed at age 9) which has progressed as well as bilateral ulnar nerve palsy and chronic migraines (diagnosed at age 12).

I feel blessed that my husband has a job and that he loves his family so much that he works long, hard hours supporting us. I feel blessed that I am able to spend this time with my children. I truly treasure the gift of educating them, watching them grow and flourish.

It isn't easy. Some nights, after everyone is finally asleep, I am so exhausted and in so much pain all I can do is sit and sigh. But even in those moments- I feel gratitude for all I do have. 

"Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother." (Lin Yutang)

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