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Am I being too demanding of my husband? edited

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My dh gets to work at 7 - 7:30 as an engineer for one of the Big Three auto companies. He usually gets home at 6:00. He has an hour drive home, so he generally leaves work at 5 or after.

DS has activites that start at 6 twice a week, and dh bowls 1x a week. I am supposed to drive ds to activites then we usually go out to dinner after. DH works late and meets us at the activity. We get home 8 pm-ish

After having my son the entire day along with regular housekeeping, I would like to have a rest. Having him almost the entire day, three days a week is getting too much for me. Dh will come home sometimes to drive ds to activity if I really need it, but shouldn't he just do it more often? Is that so much to ask?


I guess I should edit to say that from Tuesday morning to Friday around 6 pm I have my son with no help. I have MS which drains my energy, but still. Is it more my disease, empty complaining, or real issues?

by on Mar. 12, 2013 at 6:40 PM
Replies (31-40):
pmumphrey
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 2:00 PM
3 moms liked this

I think you may have to stop thinking of it as work, and start looking at it as contributing to the family unit. And yes, I know sometimes it is exhausting you mother and housekeep, but remember that your spouse is dealing with a lot a work too, especially if he works for a huge company. He may actually have employees that behave like children, so his day may be exhausing too. lol. Good luck.

mem82
by Platinum Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 4:58 PM
1 mom liked this

*hugs* I say try to talk to your hubby about getting an evening every other week to yourself. I usually reboot after the kids are asleep, but I don't have MS.

LovemyQ
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 5:31 PM

My son is with me the other days, but dh comes home at 6 and I can some time to be without questions and "look at me, Mama" while I cook dinner. We can both parent and I feel some burden has been lifted the other days. You just get so burned out by the end of the day.

Quoting oredeb:

 hi lovemy !Q, well its probably your disease speaking, thats not long at all to have your son alone lovemyQ, and its not like your husband is doing nothing, hes working so you all can live, what about those other days? wheres your son then?


LovemyQ
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 5:35 PM


Quoting Knightquester:

Quote:

Is it more my disease, empty complaining, or real issues?

I think in your case it could be a little bit of all of the above, disease, empty complaining and maybe even a little of a real issue.

MS isn't easy to live with.  My best friend who has her children all day, every day and when she doesn't she's working has Mixed Connective Tissue Disease and it's a daily pain for her to function.  She's on heavy medication and goes into the doctors monthly to check her organs.  Some days are worse than others and so it's draining on her to homeschool one of her children while taking care of the other two, and work 30+ hours in the evenings/nights when her husband gets home until late.  I don't think she has ever gotten a break or day-off since she started her family.

Some of it is just life and some of us have it a little harder than others, but it doesn't mean you don't any right to complain.  I would try to look at the positives in your life and what you do have.  Like I stated earlier things will get easier the older your son gets.  He will be able to fix his own meals, clean and do chores that you do, and even work on his school work independently with little to no instruction.

As for it being a real issue, it could be that you are just needing a few hours in a week to yourself and the real issue is your husbands not seeing that and stepping up offering to give you those hours.  As I've suggested earlier I'd talk to your husband about this, he really could just be oblivious to how you feel.  Maybe schedule those hours after the kids are in bed at night or when drop your son off at his activities take the time while he's occupied to unwind.

We moms, whether we homeschool or not, can get overwhelmed and stressed by the shear amount of responsibilities we're given daily.  We're responsible for raising a human being, sometimes multiple ones and running a house.  Then when you add other things such as schooling whether it's for ourselves or our children, or both, or work, or children's activities and anything else to the pile it becomes sometimes too much.  Try to take your breaks when you can.  Take a few moments in the morning for yourself, maybe while your son eats his breakfast, or before he wakes, or few moments when your son has gone to bed.

If you still need more time communicate to your partner because as many have posted you're lucky enough to not only have one (not all homeschool moms do, some are single moms working and homeschooling), and you're lucky enough to have a husband that is able to be home through a good part of a day.  Try to see if you can work in an hour or two a week of 'you' time, or 30 minutes in the evenings while your husband reads or watches a program with your son.

lots of good stuff in your reply :)   My son gets up when I do and I get maybe an hour after he goes to sleep but it just doesn't seem like I can get out. I am going to contemplate on your advice.

LovemyQ
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 5:38 PM

He's 6. He still needs me to be by him almost constantly when schooling or he gets distracted. Really, he just likes me there. Besides all the explanatory teaching. i have him on my own the rest of the time, only dh comes home at 6 so I feel I can get some sort of break those days. 

Quoting Leissaintexas:

I'm really curious as to how old your son is. If he's old enough to have weekly activities, shouldn't he be old enough that he's not really high maintenence (like a baby or toddler would be)? Or couldn't he be helping out with some housework? Having an older child for only 3 days on your own really doesn't sound like that much. I would be different if he were 3 and you had a couple more kids or something.


LovemyQ
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 5:40 PM

Well after reading this, I need to get my big girl panties on and get an attitude adjustment! I pray this thread gives me a change of heart.

Quoting MamaDearie:

I suppose I am not much help here. I have 3 kids (two at home with me 24/7)- ages 2, 4, and 9. My husband works over an hour from our home (in good weather) and often works second shift. I take all kids to all activities, usually without any help at all. We live in a very rural area (nearest activity would be a half-hour away). I have to keep the place heated with our woodstove so I am feeding that every couple of hours as well as doing all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and various household chores (and caring for 5 cats).

I have had diagnosis' ranging from fibromyalgia to ms to lupus (none of which seem accurate enough or well-documented enough for me to say I actually have them) and actually do have Reynauld's Phenomenon (diagnosed at age 9) which has progressed as well as bilateral ulnar nerve palsy and chronic migraines (diagnosed at age 12).

I feel blessed that my husband has a job and that he loves his family so much that he works long, hard hours supporting us. I feel blessed that I am able to spend this time with my children. I truly treasure the gift of educating them, watching them grow and flourish.

It isn't easy. Some nights, after everyone is finally asleep, I am so exhausted and in so much pain all I can do is sit and sigh. But even in those moments- I feel gratitude for all I do have. 


tuffymama
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2013 at 7:32 PM
I fully agree that someone needs to give you time off. The logical person to do that is your husband. He can either take over duties himself, so you can find a pool to swim (so good and life-extending, especially with MS), or he can pay for someone to come in and do it.
Find a sitter you trust. If she has a child, have her bring the child with her so your son gains some experience there practically for free. Feed the woman if she comes at dinner time.
When you can make meals, make extra (if you don't already) so making dinner doesn't cut into your personal time on your time off. Or do what I do, and prep components one day of the week. Make your ground beef, roast chicken, pot of green, or whatever, all on one day. Shred that chicken and portion things out. Make it easy for yourself.
If you aren't already, treat your MS holistically with diet, supplements, meditation, massage, or whatever you like. Taking care of your body and spirit even when you don't have alone time is of the utmost importance. You can't jam all that personal care taking into one hour a week and have real hope for restoration. The pressure alone might make you snap.
Find an MS support group for parents in your area. PLEASE. Group made all the difference for me when I was a young, first time mother, dealing with some serious issues and pain from my childhood experience AND the chronic fatigue I had. I couldn't make very many meetings, but the ones I attended helped tremendously, even when one woman monopolized half the meeting with crying. (Not so much LOL here, as nervous chittering.)
Try to institute some quiet time most days, when your son knows he is to occupy himself with a book, or modeling clay, or even a game on your phone. Set a digital timer for fifteen minutes, thirty minutes, or his limit. You can use that time to rest your eyes, put up your feet, read a book, or plan hour dinner menus until the next century. Just make sure it is quiet time without him on you. You can train him to do this. The digital timer works on my three year old. When the timer beeps, he gives me back my phone, or picks up his clay, or puts away the bubbles. Whatever he was doing with our agreed-upon time limit, he stops. The timer is the bad guy.
I suffered for years with chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, memory loss, persistent nausea and other gallbladder symptoms, eczema, debilitating carpal tunnel pain, hives, kidney pain, TMJ, back pain, IBS, and the list goes on. I had adrenal fatigue and hypothyroidism, and I was treated for everything but that, for years. I had to make a lot of adjustments constantly just to live in a somewhat clean house and to feed my oldest. I don't know life with MS, but I have lived with the specter of ill health and pain.
As far as your husband goes, he MUST sack up and pitch in a little more. Yes, the drive is miserable. Yes, he has work stress. But I guarantee you, he wouldn't last a week in your shoes without giving up. It took a lot to get through to my husband. I printed out three sheets of all of the symptoms of adrenal disorder and hypothyroidism, and I defined each symptom for him. It also helped that I got sick, the sickest I had been in years, and I literally could do nothing but crawl to the bathroom, drink through a straw, sip soup, and cry for days. He got firsthand experience with the hell that was my youngest before we started detoxing him and eliminated grains from his diet. I also reminded him how much his dad was gone when he was a kid, and that chilled him. He had no impression of his father until he was about seven or eight years old, and he doesn't want that for his own son. DH still works at least twelve hours a day, but now he goes in earlier, and takes a four to six hour break in the middle of the day. That is quality time he gets to spend with LO. He often cooks and cleans a little during that time, walks the dogs with LO, naps with LO, or takes us out to the park or just does the grocery shopping with us. It has made such a difference in LO's behavior, appetite, and willingness to do his therapy.
I realize not everyone has the freedom to change their schedule, but DH had to do some creative thinking and consider what was best for ALL OF US to come toy is solution. It's quite possible a solution for you is just as simple and only requires some serious thought.
GL! I feel for you. It isn't easy to hit all the basic function points as a human being when you have such a weight on you. Coupled with motherhood, it can be a real, grinding pressure.
LovemyQ
by on Mar. 13, 2013 at 8:03 PM
1 mom liked this

Sack up made me laugh,thanks, I needed it. You so many good ideas and it sounds like you really understand. I can vent on FB with an MS group and they are surprised I can homeschool too. Venting online is good, but doesn't give you the out you really need.

I have been trying to get him to come home earlier so I can more energy, but he gives excuses/reasons why he can't. The dinner dishes and cleaning the kitchen is never done by me, so sometimes things have to wait and he does htem. So he does help that way eventually. he is understanding about my disease until he has to get home earlier. The crappy thing is that he only needs to leave 15-20 minutes earlier to drive ds to gymnastics.

Thanks for understanding. Maybe more people would have seen things in a different light if I had told them I had MS in the original post. Hope you can get relief, too!

Quoting tuffymama:

I fully agree that someone needs to give you time off. The logical person to do that is your husband. He can either take over duties himself, so you can find a pool to swim (so good and life-extending, especially with MS), or he can pay for someone to come in and do it.
Find a sitter you trust. If she has a child, have her bring the child with her so your son gains some experience there practically for free. Feed the woman if she comes at dinner time.
When you can make meals, make extra (if you don't already) so making dinner doesn't cut into your personal time on your time off. Or do what I do, and prep components one day of the week. Make your ground beef, roast chicken, pot of green, or whatever, all on one day. Shred that chicken and portion things out. Make it easy for yourself.
If you aren't already, treat your MS holistically with diet, supplements, meditation, massage, or whatever you like. Taking care of your body and spirit even when you don't have alone time is of the utmost importance. You can't jam all that personal care taking into one hour a week and have real hope for restoration. The pressure alone might make you snap.
Find an MS support group for parents in your area. PLEASE. Group made all the difference for me when I was a young, first time mother, dealing with some serious issues and pain from my childhood experience AND the chronic fatigue I had. I couldn't make very many meetings, but the ones I attended helped tremendously, even when one woman monopolized half the meeting with crying. (Not so much LOL here, as nervous chittering.)
Try to institute some quiet time most days, when your son knows he is to occupy himself with a book, or modeling clay, or even a game on your phone. Set a digital timer for fifteen minutes, thirty minutes, or his limit. You can use that time to rest your eyes, put up your feet, read a book, or plan hour dinner menus until the next century. Just make sure it is quiet time without him on you. You can train him to do this. The digital timer works on my three year old. When the timer beeps, he gives me back my phone, or picks up his clay, or puts away the bubbles. Whatever he was doing with our agreed-upon time limit, he stops. The timer is the bad guy.
I suffered for years with chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, memory loss, persistent nausea and other gallbladder symptoms, eczema, debilitating carpal tunnel pain, hives, kidney pain, TMJ, back pain, IBS, and the list goes on. I had adrenal fatigue and hypothyroidism, and I was treated for everything but that, for years. I had to make a lot of adjustments constantly just to live in a somewhat clean house and to feed my oldest. I don't know life with MS, but I have lived with the specter of ill health and pain.
As far as your husband goes, he MUST sack up and pitch in a little more. Yes, the drive is miserable. Yes, he has work stress. But I guarantee you, he wouldn't last a week in your shoes without giving up. It took a lot to get through to my husband. I printed out three sheets of all of the symptoms of adrenal disorder and hypothyroidism, and I defined each symptom for him. It also helped that I got sick, the sickest I had been in years, and I literally could do nothing but crawl to the bathroom, drink through a straw, sip soup, and cry for days. He got firsthand experience with the hell that was my youngest before we started detoxing him and eliminated grains from his diet. I also reminded him how much his dad was gone when he was a kid, and that chilled him. He had no impression of his father until he was about seven or eight years old, and he doesn't want that for his own son. DH still works at least twelve hours a day, but now he goes in earlier, and takes a four to six hour break in the middle of the day. That is quality time he gets to spend with LO. He often cooks and cleans a little during that time, walks the dogs with LO, naps with LO, or takes us out to the park or just does the grocery shopping with us. It has made such a difference in LO's behavior, appetite, and willingness to do his therapy.
I realize not everyone has the freedom to change their schedule, but DH had to do some creative thinking and consider what was best for ALL OF US to come toy is solution. It's quite possible a solution for you is just as simple and only requires some serious thought.
GL! I feel for you. It isn't easy to hit all the basic function points as a human being when you have such a weight on you. Coupled with motherhood, it can be a real, grinding pressure.


buzymom93
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 9:28 AM

i don't have a lot of advice for you as i am a single parent so i rarely get a break.. its tough.. my thoughts are.. maybe try not to schedule his activities for those three days or cut back on the amount of activities that you sign him up for... maybe if you lighten the load a little that will help..

HarrisonMD
by Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 9:41 AM



Quoting Knightquester:

You're lucky to have your husband home so early.  My husband gets up at 5:30am and leaves and isn't able to get home until 7:30-8 o'clock at night.  I am grateful because my husband is such a hard worker, but I do miss spending time with him.  He takes the trash out every day, he takes care of his cats every day and he takes care of dinner every Sunday, but outside those things I don't demand or expect anything more from him.

He has had a day of work, just as I have, and so neither one of us are better for the wear.  My work doesn't end until the kids are in bed, but I at least am able to pace myself and if I don't feel well I'm able to change plans or go slower.  My husband has work regardless if he doesn't feel well, didn't get much sleep or is having a bad day.

I would talk to your husband and just ask him if you can have a few hours in the week to yourself just like he has his few hours to himself bowling.  Then take those one or two hours and do something for yourself, but I would schedule them at a time where it isn't making your husband feel rushed at having to come home.  The good news is your son will get older and become more independent and responsible which will cause your stress load to decrease, however your husbands work load and the stress it gives him every day won't lesson over time.


I totally agree...talk to your hubby about scheduling some time. I do this with my DH when he is home, esp if I can feel myself getting frazzled! lol...DH is military and currently in Korea til next month, so I've been doing all this by myself...granted I have had help from friends but ultimately it's Mommy 24/7!  And of course if I'm having a bad day or the kids are having a bad day, we just take it slower or just hang out and play for the day...I don't worry anymore about this getting done or that getting done...it's just too much for me. Granted DD isn't in scheduled activities yet, but I have my own scheduled activities where there is child care for the kids and I can get Grown Up time with other Mommies! lol...Good Luck!

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