Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Maybe you ladies can help me

Posted by   + Show Post

My children are 3 and 4 and I am having some MAJOR behavioral issues with them. They will NOT listen to me at ALL!!! They will listen to daddy but rarely. They completely disrespect me and I am at my wits end with them. There are SO MANY fun things I want to do with them but when they can't listen it makes me not want to do ANYTHING with them. Any suggestions??? IDK what to do.

by on Mar. 19, 2013 at 8:31 PM
Replies (11-20):
oredeb
by debbie on Mar. 20, 2013 at 11:05 AM
1 mom liked this

hi amanda jo,

spanking worked for us, and following through with what i told them, pulling weeds in the garden,

Pukalani79
by Kristin on Mar. 20, 2013 at 11:32 AM
2 moms liked this

I haven't done this, but a friend of mine does.  Each child has a small mason jar.  When they do good, when they help out or are really listening, etc  she gives them marbles to put in their jar.  When they get trouble they have to take out so many marbles.  Once the jar is full, they get to choose a prize.  The daughter got her hair done, the son got to pick a movie.  The jar's arent' very big, but large enough that it takes at least a month to fill.  She says that it has really helped her kids' attitudes.  Might be something to try.

debramommyof4
by Silver Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 11:43 AM

 My kids go through phases like this.  I do time out wierd to what other people do it.  I make my children stay in timeout till they are still and quite and then their timer starts.  We also spank but only if they have done something that is dangerous.  I keep it consistent but they still go through these phases.  Just stay consistent and they will calm down. 

My 4 year old is going through a I am going to cry and throw fits but not do time out and he is not listening.  So we are constently dealing with screaming fits that last an hour or more.

Amanda_Jo1209
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 12:58 PM
1 mom liked this

I monitor ALL their TV shows. They are only allowed to watch Disney Jr and Sprout.

Quoting WantedNameTaken:

It seems like you're doing everything right.  I'm scratching my head, because all of my teens were pretty good listeners when they were younger - they still are for the most part.

As another poster stated, this may just be a phase.  Hang in there and don't let them tie you up to a chair while daddy is at work.  LOL!

Here's to having a great day!!! :)

Oh, I just thought of something.  Could the television shows they're watching be contributing to the testy behavior?  Even cartoons can expose them to bad behavior.  Do you have any children's books that teach good manners?

Quoting Amanda_Jo1209:

I've watched them numerous times. He is very stern, never yells, etc. whenever he watches the kids while I go do something they listen so well. Not 100% of the time but still more than they listen to me. I start every day off with a new slate too. Whatever they did the day before gets washed away, unless it was something HUGE like calling 911.

I stay home, obviously lol, so they are with me ALL the time. My family doesn't live near us so they don't see them a lot. And when we do visit my parents they are on my side and are also very stern with them. They're not the type of grandparents that will let them get away with anything and everything.


Quoting WantedNameTaken:

You mentioned that they do listen to their dad on rare occasions.  What is it about his words or demeanor that makes them listen sometimes?  Maybe you can watch their interactions and pick up some tips.  Do they have interactions with family members or friends who may be unintentionally sabotaging your attempt to instill order?  Could they be modeling bad behavior from cousins, neighbors, playgroups, etc.?

Here's something else - one thing I know about us moms is that we like to use a lot of words explaining who, what, when, where, why, and how.  Kids can take this as willingness to converse and negotiate when, in fact, we're attempting to lay down the law.  Kids need to learn about the world around them, so answers to those questions are helpful, but not when the questions asked while trying to get out of being respectful, responsible, and obedient.

Keep doing the good things that are working for you and enjoy the small victories - like your 3-year-old behaving while you rested.  Try not to reward both if only one behaved.  The same for discipline.

Please let us know about your victories and share what worked.



kirbymom
by Sonja on Mar. 20, 2013 at 1:11 PM
1 mom liked this

I am probably the odd man out here but I basically went through the same thing, a few years back, that you are going through right now.  The decision that I cam to was that it has to do with the tonal quality of our female voices. If we have a high pitch in our throats, then children are less likely to be commanded and if we have a lower gutteral tone in our throats, kids are more likely to be commanded.  Try it out sometime. You may be surprised.  I find I get more out of my kids if I don't have a high pitch to my voice.  

kirbymom
by Sonja on Mar. 20, 2013 at 1:14 PM
1 mom liked this

I love this article! Thank you for posting it. :)  

Quoting WantedNameTaken:

Do you follow through with threats to put them on time out, go to bed, take away toys, etc.?  If not, that would be a great start.  They'll learn that mommy means business.  Also, when you interact with them, be sure to have no trace of whining and begging in your voice.  Be firm and resolved.  If something is unsafe, unhealthy, or undeserved, make use of the word "no" and stick with it allowing yourself to be guilt-free.

Maybe this article can help.

End child nagging & negotiating with just three simple words

When it comes to persistence, few things compare to a child that reallywants something and tries to get it through nagging & negotiating. And few people know that better than a parent who has given that child an answer they don’t want to hear.

From the famed “Are we there yet?” to this morning’s “Can I have ice cream for breakfast?” to this afternoon’s “Can I have ice cream for dinner?” kids are notorious for their one-track minds, and they will ask…and ask…and ask…just in case you’ve changed your mind in the last minute.

This is a learned behavior that children of any age can pick up. They might continue to use it because once, in a moment of weakness, you caved and let them stay up an extra half hour after they asked for the eighth time.

But like any learned behavior, it can be unlearned. The solution comes from Lynn Lott, co-author of the Positive Discipline series of books, and it works on kids as young as two or three, all the way through their teens.

It only takes three simple words: “Asked and Answered.”

The concept is simple. When seven-year-old Daniel begs to dig a giant hole in the front yard and gets “no” for an answer, chances are he’ll be back in five minutes asking again – this time with a “pleeeeeeaase” just so you know he really, really wants to dig the hole.

Instead of repeating yourself or jumping in to a lecture, get eye to eye and follow the process below:

Step One: Ask, “Have you ever heard of ‘Asked and Answered’?” (He’ll probably say no.)

Step Two: Ask, “Did you ask me a question about digging a hole?” (He’ll say yes.)

Step Three: Ask, “Did I answer it?” (He’ll probably say, “Yes, but, I really ….”)

Step Four: Ask, “Do I look like the kind of mom/dad/teacher who will change her/his mind if you ask me the same thing over and over?” (Chances are Daniel will walk away, maybe with a frustrated grunt, and engage in something else.)

Step Five: If Daniel asks again, simply say, “Asked and Answered.” (No other words are necessary!) Once this technique has been established, these are the only words you should need to say to address nagging questions.

Consistency is key! Once you decide to use “Asked and Answered” with your questioning child, be sure to stick to it. If 14-year-old Emma is particularly determined to keep asking to get her eyebrow pierced, stay strong. Answering her question again – or worse yet, changing your answer – will reinforce to her that her nagging works. Although it’ll take some patience, your child will eventually connect the dots and you’ll see results!

Make “Asked and Answered” a joint effort with your spouse, and consider including any family or friends who may be getting the third degree from your child. When Daniel and Emma realize that they won’t get a “yes,” even after they’ve asked twelve times, they’ll get the hint and retire this tactic.

Speech and Language Pathologist, Stacy Pulley reports this technique works well for children with communication challenges, particularly those with Autism. She suggests bringing a notebook or a chalk/dry erase board into the mix and writing down a question once they’ve asked it more than once, keeping in mind their reading level. Or, draw a picture. Then, when your child asks again, point to the board or notebook to remind them that they’ve asked, and you’ve answered. Be sure to use as few words as possible and stay consistent in your language to help them understand the connection as they learn to listen to and respect your answers.

Adding this tool to your parenting toolbox is a positive step toward ending the nagging questions that can wear on even the most resolute of parents. Then, be sure to follow through and stay consistent – and before you know it, 20 questions will be a fun game once again, and no longer a negotiation tactic!


WantedNameTaken
by Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 1:14 PM

You are so right about the pitch.  I learned that tip years ago and it's worked well.  Maybe that's why the kids listen when I get stern with them.  Joking mom sounds nothing like serious mom.  LOL!

Quoting kirbymom:

I am probably the odd man out here but I basically went through the same thing, a few years back, that you are going through right now.  The decision that I cam to was that it has to do with the tonal quality of our female voices. If we have a high pitch in our throats, then children are less likely to be commanded and if we have a lower gutteral tone in our throats, kids are more likely to be commanded.  Try it out sometime. You may be surprised.  I find I get more out of my kids if I don't have a high pitch to my voice.  


kirbymom
by Sonja on Mar. 20, 2013 at 1:15 PM

You didn't come off the wrong way to me.

And, you are right. 

Quoting usmom3:

 This is totally going to come off the wrong way, I don't mean it that way but I know that it will so here goes. Children are amplifiers of what they see from us, so if they are being disrespectful & not listening it is because you are being disrespectful & not listen in front of them where they can see & learn it or you are doing it to them! Ether way they are getting it from the adults around them, children at that age don't just know how to be that way it is learned by examplefrom others & then when the child dose it it is amplified & more noticeable then when the adults do it.

I get a lot of great help & guidance from this site

http://www.ahaparenting.com/


kirbymom
by Sonja on Mar. 20, 2013 at 1:17 PM
1 mom liked this

So true! And neither does a whine sounding pitch.  Which I think we women do a lot more of without ever realizing it. :)  

Quoting WantedNameTaken:

You are so right about the pitch.  I learned that tip years ago and it's worked well.  Maybe that's why the kids listen when I get stern with them.  Joking mom sounds nothing like serious mom.  LOL!

Quoting kirbymom:

I am probably the odd man out here but I basically went through the same thing, a few years back, that you are going through right now.  The decision that I cam to was that it has to do with the tonal quality of our female voices. If we have a high pitch in our throats, then children are less likely to be commanded and if we have a lower gutteral tone in our throats, kids are more likely to be commanded.  Try it out sometime. You may be surprised.  I find I get more out of my kids if I don't have a high pitch to my voice.  




bluerooffarm
by Gold Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 1:19 PM

 

Quoting debramommyof4:

 My kids go through phases like this.  I do time out wierd to what other people do it.  I make my children stay in timeout till they are still and quite and then their timer starts.  We also spank but only if they have done something that is dangerous.  I keep it consistent but they still go through these phases.  Just stay consistent and they will calm down. 

My 4 year old is going through a I am going to cry and throw fits but not do time out and he is not listening.  So we are constently dealing with screaming fits that last an hour or more.

 I really like that timeout method!  I am always bugged when they ask questions or stall at the beginning of TO.  I'm going to try that!

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)