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"My BIL shot himself yesterday" Update (2nd update in Red)

Posted by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:21 AM
  • 30 Replies

 Thank you for all the comments on my other post ("OT - I need advice"). 

I have all three kids right now.  My sister called last night and couldn't leave the hospital so she asked if the little one could stay.  They were not there when it happened, but I'm not clear on what happened from there. My 5 yo neice knows that her dad shot himself.  I guess when she came into the house she asked "Who killed my dad?" I have no idea what she actually saw.  Apparently every time my sister comes home with the kids she keeps them in the car and goes in to check and make sure he hasn't done something like this.  I have no idea how long that's been going on.

I doubt very much that my sister will leave him.  My mom told her at the hospital last night that the kids have to stay away from him. I don't want my sister to lose the kids - I think that would devastate her, but I cannot imagine sending them back into that enviornment.   I know that CPS needs to get involved but I'm having to work up the nerve to do it. It's hard to explain. I wish someone outside of the family would do it, so as not to cause more damage.  That sounds so wrong and I know it and I'm ashamed. 

 I really appreciate all the comments and support on both this and the first post.  My kids go to the County School District's homeschool center and I took one of my neices and my nephew with me when I took my kids this afternoon.  I sat down and had a long talk with their teacher, who my husband and I have known for years.  I have an idea she may be filing a report.  My husband and I were talking about it and he believes that we now have 6 kids.  Going through the clothes and the stuff she sent, there is more than enough for several days (especially the toddler who wasn't even supposed to be sending the night).  Some of her comments have led him to believe that this may be the case as well.  We have decided to wait and see what happens over the next couple of days before we make a call.  If that's the case we'll need to have her sign over temporary guardianship.  If she comes to get them then we will sit down with her and have that chat.  But my DH doesn' believe it's going to be necessary.  So, now my question is: how do you homeschool with a rambunctious 2 year old?!? This morning was very intersting to say the least LOL

by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:21 AM
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Replies (1-10):
bluerooffarm
by Gold Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:24 AM
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 {{{HUGS}}}

I'm so sorry!  I'm so glad that you have those kids and they are not in that situation.  It's great that they have you.

hipmomto3
by Bronze Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:29 AM

Won't CPS get involved because of the police report from the hospital? With any kind of shooting, there should be a police report, so it doesn't seem like anyone would "need" to call CPS. Also - at least here - CPS almost always tries to place children with a family member (grandparents, aunts/uncles/etc) rather than into the foster care system. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Shot himself in the LEG? I don't get that. I thought at first you meant he'd tried to commit suicide. It sounds like he has major, major psychological issues and needs some serious in-patient care to address them. 

If for some reason the police/CPS don't get involved, I think I'd tell my sister, either you leave him now, or I will call CPS. She can do whatever she wants - she's an adult and you can't control her - but you can't stand by and watch the children be placed in a dangerous situation because of her stupidity.

debramommyof4
by Silver Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:33 AM

 Its not wrong.  I would hate for you to mess up things so you could not keep an eye out for them.  I hope someone calls.  If you dont say anything and report anon then they will not tell her who it is.  But you have to ensure that what you tell them is not something that will allow your sister to know it was you.

snowangel1979
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:44 AM
I would sit down and have a talk with your sister about this. Her husband needs help.

Honestly, if this was happening to me and you called CPS I would probably never talk to you again.
What your sister needs is help and family by her side. Not her family turning on her and calling CPS.
What she doesn't need an over jealous cps worker (I can't think of the right wording) coming in her life right now and making her life even more of a living hell. There is no guarantee that family will get the children or what they will do especially if the worker disagrees with something that family member does (ex: homeschooling)

If a family member wants custody go to the family court or probate court and It's called a limited guardianship. It a form the parents and the guardian fill out and it keeps CPS out of their life.
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KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:45 AM

Ok, my next suggestions...

1.   Call CPS and ask them a "hypothetical" quesiton.   Say, "HYPOTHETICALLY... if some one's husband is having mental issues that can affect the kids severely, what are the options for the wife of said husband if she wants to support her husband through this?   Can she establish temporary custody with family members (with her visiting and being involved with the kids regularly) and will that be enough to keep an environment where they don't need to bring in children's services?  

Ask questions like that hypothetically...

Then, discuss these options with your sister.   Make it clear that your DH is a mandated reporter and if you guys can't find a better solution for the kids, then he's going to have to report.   Tell her she can choose to support her DH, but she can't choose to put the kids in that environment.   Tell her you don't want to be her enemy, you want to help.   Make it clear, you do not want to take her kids, but that they simply cannot be around their Dad on a regular basis.

Then leave the ball in her court for a few moments (if it's safe) and pray.  

Also, get the children some counselling.


KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:46 AM

Oh, and if you really want some one outside the family to report, then send the kids to school and encourage them to ask to talk to the counsellor.

However, if it comes out that your DH didn't report, could he get in trouble?

KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:48 AM

We had a little girl that lived behind us that wasn't getting the best care.   I called and asked hypothetical questions because I told the CPS worker up front that if turning her Dad in was only going to make it worse, then I wanted to wait until I had sufficient evidence to make something happen.   The lady was really understanding and she answered my hypothetical questions without ever making a report.


cjsmom1
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 11:07 AM
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Your sister needs to push the hospital to get him admitted to a psychiatric facility. It is normally short term so he can be diagnosed and set up with outside services. It is not healthy for the kids to be around him if he's acting like that.
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cjsmom1
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 11:07 AM
Your sister needs to push the hospital to get him admitted to a psychiatric facility. It is normally short term so he can be diagnosed and set up with outside services. It is not healthy for the kids to be around him if he's acting like that.
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oredeb
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 11:37 AM

 so sorry kristin, just heard about this here, glad you have kids, will be praying for family,

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