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Homeschooling Moms Homeschooling Moms

Upset and need to vent

Posted by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 7:02 AM
  • 26 Replies

I will be honest, I first started homeschooling because my dd had some medical issues that made it  hard for her to go to public school.  My dh and my parents were against it, but they said to do it for the semester until we could figure out what to do with dd.  I took dd to the doctors and found out she had Selective Mutism and Social Phobia.  They suggested to homeschool her and gradually introduce her back into the school environment over a period of years (probably more than 2 or 3 years). So at the beginning this was what I planned to do.   Now we are going into our second year of homeschooling and It's funny my mom asked me at the beginning of this year "your not going to put her back into school again are you?" That made me feel great!!  And because I didn't have any complaints from my dh, I thought he was finally on board with it.  Well this morning the truth came out.  We were talking about something someone posted on here and he told me he didn't want our dd to be homeschooled.  That she needed to learn to adapt to her surroundings and that being at home doesn't do that for her.  He says he suffered from the same things she did as a child (though he was never diagnosed, though he had friends outside of school - all things my dd does not have - she has a couple of friends and when I say a couple I truly mean 2!) It's not because she is kept inside all the time, it's because of her Selective Mutism!!  How can she have friends and survive on the outside if she can't bring herself to talk? She can't join any clubs because she get anxious around a group of people, so a lot of what we do is her and I and we do have a homeschool group that we go and interact with, but to be honest if it were up to her, she would probably stay home and do work.


So now I am sitting her almost in tears because my dh doesn't want her to be homeschooled even though I have proven myself to him that I am a good teacher (she was just evaluated and is an 11 year old testing on a 10th to 11th grade level and the evaluator actually has on paper that these test scores could be a lot higher but because of her SM, he could not get a accurate score, but these were her min. scores). Sure sometimes we slack off and not do school, but then other days we do lots of stuff.  I figured we deserve it.  She has so many dr and therapy visits that she deserves to have a little time to herself.

How do you do something when you know your dh is against it?  I refuse to put her back into the public school system.  I know I want to shelter her and protect her and I know that the kids at the public school will just eat her up and spit her out and it will cause more damage than good. How can I ever talk to him about what we do in school or the things she is learning when I know he is just thinking of how she should be back in public school?  We actually got into an argument of the "socialization" thing!!!  He still believe she needs to socialize, yet doesn't understand that with her condition, right now, socialization is not the best thing for her.  We gradually have to introduce her into those situations.  The doctor said she will NEVER be a social butterfly and she will NEVER put herself out there.  She just can't.  We do the therapy and stuff to teach her how to deal with certain situations and how to one day be able to get a job and earn a living. 

I am sorry this is so long and I still haven't said all that I wanted.  I am so depressed right now.  I really thought when dh saw how smart she was, he would finally agree with what I was doing.  I truly believe he would be happier if she was just in the public school doing work that is on her grade level.  So sad.


by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 7:02 AM
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Replies (1-10):
AutymsMommy
by Silver Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:04 AM
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I'm sorry *hugs*. That is tough!

I'm not much help, I'm afraid. Homeschooling isn't a hill I would allow my marriage to die on; my husband has just as much right to the children as I do, and that includes making educational choices. I guess I would look for a compromise?

I am a Home Schooling, Vaccinating, Non spanking, Nightmare Cuddling, Dessert Giving, Bedtime Kissing, Book Reading, Stay at Home Mom. I believe in the benefit of organized after school activities and nosy, involved parents. I believe in spoiling my children. I believe that I have seen the village and I do not want it anywhere near my children. Now for the controversial stuff: we have traditional gender roles, we're Catholic, I'm Libertarian, he's Republican, we're both conservative, and we own guns (now there's no need to ask, lol).             Aimee














Lynette
by Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:11 AM
Hugs, I can't imagine having to send my children to regular school. That is great that the doctors are on your side.
momto3B
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:23 AM

Obviously you are doing a great job and your daughter is thriving academically but I can understand your DH's concerns about her social adaptability. How do other parents of children with selective mutism handle integrate their children?  Is there a needs school she can attend for children with similar issues? 

leighp1
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:23 AM

Oh our marriage will not die on this situation.  It just strains it a little.  He just believes in a different thing than I do and we will compromise, I am sure, but what upset me the most is that I thought he would see the progress we have made and would be thrilled that it was going so well.  I feel he doesn't care and would rather have her scooting along with the other kids her age.  He doesn't give much to the fact that she has SM and SP.

Quoting AutymsMommy:

I'm sorry *hugs*. That is tough!

I'm not much help, I'm afraid. Homeschooling isn't a hill I would allow my marriage to die on; my husband has just as much right to the children as I do, and that includes making educational choices. I guess I would look for a compromise?


leighp1
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:27 AM

The problem is there isn't a lot of SM children around here.  Most SM children overcome it by the time they are 4 years old.  My dd was just diagnosed last year, and even the pyschologist said he had never seen a 11 year with SM.  They are there, just not a lot of them.  I dont' want to come off defensive, but she does not need a special school.  Special schools here are for the students that need help because most are very far behind or have physical issues.  She doesn't have that problem.  The only problem she really has is that she won't talk to others and her anxiety causes her to not want to be around other people.  I really wish there were some kids around, even the young ones, that had SM so she could see she is not the only one and that there are others there. 

Quoting momto3B:

Obviously you are doing a great job and your daughter is thriving academically but I can understand your DH's concerns about her social adaptability. How do other parents of children with selective mutism handle integrate their children?  Is there a needs school she can attend for children with similar issues? 


BramblePatch
by Bronze Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:34 AM
1 mom liked this
Men can be pretty narrow minded....but in this case, I think its more that deep down DH probably does not want to admit that there is something "wrong" with DD. Fathers, in my experience, are far more prone to denial than Moms are.

Has DH talked to the Doctors and therapists himself or is it all relayed from you?

The bottom line is that there is no way I would sacrafice the best interests of my children for my husband or anyone else. Period. I will never understand women who put dh first. Find a compromise but if you are sure HS is best for DD then stand your ground.
leighp1
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:42 AM

No DH has not talked to any of them and I actually suggested that today.  He is in that mind set that she is "just like him" and he overcame it, but he really hasn't.  He has a job and he is a dedicated worker, but when offers of advancement come up, he wont' take them.  I think you are right that he does not want to admit that there is something wrong with his daughter, but fact is, there is something wrong and I am doing my best to understand it and work with it. I have researched so much about SM and thought about starting a blog about it, but just don't know how well I would be at doing a blog. 


Thanks for understanding.  Are you feeling better?  I saw of FB that you were still under the weather a few days ago.

Quoting BramblePatch:

Men can be pretty narrow minded....but in this case, I think its more that deep down DH probably does not want to admit that there is something "wrong" with DD. Fathers, in my experience, are far more prone to denial than Moms are.

Has DH talked to the Doctors and therapists himself or is it all relayed from you?

The bottom line is that there is no way I would sacrafice the best interests of my children for my husband or anyone else. Period. I will never understand women who put dh first. Find a compromise but if you are sure HS is best for DD then stand your ground.


momto3B
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:50 AM

We have amazing "special schools" or should I say "specialty schools" where I live.They are schools that are not for children who are far behind but children who need to learn differently and need the types of teachers who understand that.   Many kids have sensory processing issues, for example and can't handle the loud environment of a regular school.  Others have executive function issues, poor organization, some immaturity,  anxiety etc. 

Our public elementary school has 2 full time psychologists, an OT room, one on one aides if necessary. We have kids in all types of wheel chairs, with all kinds of issues integrated with the "general population" if you will. You cannot swing a dead cat without hitting a kid with an IEP, Tier 2 or just general reading or math support. 

That does not even begin to cover the kids who have emotional issue due to divorce or death. We have "lunch bunch" groups to help those kids cope. 

There are Montessori schools, gender specific schools, schools with less then 20 kids in a grade. My oldest attends our public school but has a "social group" to improve his interactions after school 1 day a week. 

Special needs is such a broad term these days and there are so many avenues of assistance to explore. Maybe the best answer is that you continue to home school or maybe not.  Perhaps your fear of having her labeled "special needs"  has limited your view of what is available.  Possibly there are more options out there then you might imagine to address your husbands concerns that your daughter is too sheltered and open up another whole avenue in which she can thrive. 



Quoting leighp1:

The problem is there isn't a lot of SM children around here.  Most SM children overcome it by the time they are 4 years old.  My dd was just diagnosed last year, and even the pyschologist said he had never seen a 11 year with SM.  They are there, just not a lot of them.  I dont' want to come off defensive, but she does not need a special school.  Special schools here are for the students that need help because most are very far behind or have physical issues.  She doesn't have that problem.  The only problem she really has is that she won't talk to others and her anxiety causes her to not want to be around other people.  I really wish there were some kids around, even the young ones, that had SM so she could see she is not the only one and that there are others there. 

Quoting momto3B:

Obviously you are doing a great job and your daughter is thriving academically but I can understand your DH's concerns about her social adaptability. How do other parents of children with selective mutism handle integrate their children?  Is there a needs school she can attend for children with similar issues? 




luvcats406
by Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:54 AM

Is SM like shyness?  I had that my whole life.  I heard all my life how shy I was from everyone who came in contact with me..  In my opinion, school did not help me.  It made me worse!  I am still shy and have anxiety in social situations.  I have to force myself to go to homeschool events and meetings.  I know it is good for the kids so I do it.  But if I had it my way, I would just hide in the house, lol.  

BramblePatch
by Bronze Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:58 AM
I am feeling better....this was the nastiest cold I have ever had...

Definitely get DH to talk to them....without pushing. If you push, he will run away. I am sure he will come around...


Quoting leighp1:

No DH has not talked to any of them and I actually suggested that today.  He is in that mind set that she is "just like him" and he overcame it, but he really hasn't.  He has a job and he is a dedicated worker, but when offers of advancement come up, he wont' take them.  I think you are right that he does not want to admit that there is something wrong with his daughter, but fact is, there is something wrong and I am doing my best to understand it and work with it. I have researched so much about SM and thought about starting a blog about it, but just don't know how well I would be at doing a blog. 


Thanks for understanding.  Are you feeling better?  I saw of FB that you were still under the weather a few days ago.

Quoting BramblePatch:

Men can be pretty narrow minded....but in this case, I think its more that deep down DH probably does not want to admit that there is something "wrong" with DD. Fathers, in my experience, are far more prone to denial than Moms are.



Has DH talked to the Doctors and therapists himself or is it all relayed from you?



The bottom line is that there is no way I would sacrafice the best interests of my children for my husband or anyone else. Period. I will never understand women who put dh first. Find a compromise but if you are sure HS is best for DD then stand your ground.



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