Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

I will be honest, I first started homeschooling because my dd had some medical issues that made it  hard for her to go to public school.  My dh and my parents were against it, but they said to do it for the semester until we could figure out what to do with dd.  I took dd to the doctors and found out she had Selective Mutism and Social Phobia.  They suggested to homeschool her and gradually introduce her back into the school environment over a period of years (probably more than 2 or 3 years). So at the beginning this was what I planned to do.   Now we are going into our second year of homeschooling and It's funny my mom asked me at the beginning of this year "your not going to put her back into school again are you?" That made me feel great!!  And because I didn't have any complaints from my dh, I thought he was finally on board with it.  Well this morning the truth came out.  We were talking about something someone posted on here and he told me he didn't want our dd to be homeschooled.  That she needed to learn to adapt to her surroundings and that being at home doesn't do that for her.  He says he suffered from the same things she did as a child (though he was never diagnosed, though he had friends outside of school - all things my dd does not have - she has a couple of friends and when I say a couple I truly mean 2!) It's not because she is kept inside all the time, it's because of her Selective Mutism!!  How can she have friends and survive on the outside if she can't bring herself to talk? She can't join any clubs because she get anxious around a group of people, so a lot of what we do is her and I and we do have a homeschool group that we go and interact with, but to be honest if it were up to her, she would probably stay home and do work.


So now I am sitting her almost in tears because my dh doesn't want her to be homeschooled even though I have proven myself to him that I am a good teacher (she was just evaluated and is an 11 year old testing on a 10th to 11th grade level and the evaluator actually has on paper that these test scores could be a lot higher but because of her SM, he could not get a accurate score, but these were her min. scores). Sure sometimes we slack off and not do school, but then other days we do lots of stuff.  I figured we deserve it.  She has so many dr and therapy visits that she deserves to have a little time to herself.

How do you do something when you know your dh is against it?  I refuse to put her back into the public school system.  I know I want to shelter her and protect her and I know that the kids at the public school will just eat her up and spit her out and it will cause more damage than good. How can I ever talk to him about what we do in school or the things she is learning when I know he is just thinking of how she should be back in public school?  We actually got into an argument of the "socialization" thing!!!  He still believe she needs to socialize, yet doesn't understand that with her condition, right now, socialization is not the best thing for her.  We gradually have to introduce her into those situations.  The doctor said she will NEVER be a social butterfly and she will NEVER put herself out there.  She just can't.  We do the therapy and stuff to teach her how to deal with certain situations and how to one day be able to get a job and earn a living. 

I am sorry this is so long and I still haven't said all that I wanted.  I am so depressed right now.  I really thought when dh saw how smart she was, he would finally agree with what I was doing.  I truly believe he would be happier if she was just in the public school doing work that is on her grade level.  So sad.


by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 7:02 AM
Replies (11-20):
Leissaintexas
by Bronze Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 10:39 AM

Does he attend any of the dr appt or therapy sessions with you? If he had more hands on involvment in her care, would he see how detrimental it would be to send her to school? My dh was the same way when my oldest was diagnosed with autism. He thought that it was just a crutch, just an excuse to get ds off the hook, so to speak. It took him years of seeing ds struggle in the real world to realize ds's problems were real and that it took an insane amount of work for him to just function. Dads frequently take this stance, because they aren't on scene 24 hours a day interacting like we are. Plus, like someone else mentioned, they don't like admitting their child has a problem. Also, think like a man for minute. How many men admit when they need help? Its not how they are wired. So they have a very hard time understanding when anyone else needs and  gets help.

AutymsMommy
by Silver Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 10:55 AM


I wouldn't consider it putting a husband before children. I would consider it recognizing that said husband loves the children as much as their mother does, wants the best for his children (as much as she does), and should have the same amount of say as mom, regarding their education, medical, and general upbringing; sometimes compromise is necessary. I'll caveat by saying that this should apply to normal, loving, involved fathers - not abusive or indifferent fathers. I do not believe that I hold sole ownership over my children - my husband helped there (lol).

Quoting BramblePatch:

Men can be pretty narrow minded....but in this case, I think its more that deep down DH probably does not want to admit that there is something "wrong" with DD. Fathers, in my experience, are far more prone to denial than Moms are.

Has DH talked to the Doctors and therapists himself or is it all relayed from you?

The bottom line is that there is no way I would sacrafice the best interests of my children for my husband or anyone else. Period. I will never understand women who put dh first. Find a compromise but if you are sure HS is best for DD then stand your ground.



I am a Home Schooling, Vaccinating, Non spanking, Nightmare Cuddling, Dessert Giving, Bedtime Kissing, Book Reading, Stay at Home Mom. I believe in the benefit of organized after school activities and nosy, involved parents. I believe in spoiling my children. I believe that I have seen the village and I do not want it anywhere near my children. Now for the controversial stuff: we have traditional gender roles, we're Catholic, I'm Libertarian, he's Republican, we're both conservative, and we own guns (now there's no need to ask, lol).             Aimee














CaitsCookies
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 11:19 AM
1 mom liked this
1) You're doing what her doctors have recommended, so you're one up on some of us when it comes to dealing with people who don't believe in homeschooling. You're homeschooling by doctors orders due to a medical condition. :-) 2) If he brings up the socialization aspects again, assure him that she is learning to socialize through SMALL group interactions and that she is not yet ready for a larger setting. Schedule a "conference" with the two of you, her doctors, her evaluator, and the rest of her care team in 6 months or a year to review her progress. That makes him part of the planning team and lets him see where she's gained and where she still has needs. 3) Most of all, always deal with it calmly. Tamp those emotions down. Take a DEEEEEEP breath and assure him that you know he is concerned and ask him to help you come up with ways to prepare your daughter to meet HIS goals for her. 4) The two of you sit down with your daughter to find out what HER goals are for her life, at this point. What is it she wants to do with her life (at this point in time - kids change)? What is the best pathway to get her there?
CaitsCookies
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 11:38 AM

Quoting leighp1:

I think you are right that he does not want to admit that there is something wrong with his daughter, but fact is, there is something wrong and I am doing my best to understand it and work with it. I have researched so much about SM and thought about starting a blog about it, but just don't know how well I would be at doing a blog. 


Maybe you could do a closed group on FB? I'm on a closed group for one of my stepson's health issues, on another that deals with PTSD (he and I both have that), and even a secret group for a medical issue. If you do a closed group for SM, people searching for info would find the group.
brennan5882300
by Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 11:54 AM

Just 2 days ago my son's elementary school team found out we will be fully or partially homeschooling for middle school--this fall.  His elementary social worker (who I thought would be 100% against the idea) told me she thought this was great!  She feels like middle school (where she also has experience) is brutal socially, but things tend to get better in high school.  So my 2 cents: at least wait a while. 

leighp1
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 12:13 PM

This is what she deals with on a daily basis.  It is an extreme shyness to the point where she picks her lips until they bleed or she will pick her arms (they don't bleed thank goodness).  I don't even pretend to understand how she feels (or you for that matter), but I can see the stress  that happens when we are out in public.

Quoting luvcats406:

Is SM like shyness?  I had that my whole life.  I heard all my life how shy I was from everyone who came in contact with me..  In my opinion, school did not help me.  It made me worse!  I am still shy and have anxiety in social situations.  I have to force myself to go to homeschool events and meetings.  I know it is good for the kids so I do it.  But if I had it my way, I would just hide in the house, lol.  


OakesMama
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 12:15 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting BramblePatch:

Men can be pretty narrow minded....but in this case, I think its more that deep down DH probably does not want to admit that there is something "wrong" with DD. Fathers, in my experience, are far more prone to denial than Moms are.

Has DH talked to the Doctors and therapists himself or is it all relayed from you?



I would really have the DR tell him directly if he hasn't myself. It is probably very hard on your DH and all he is wanting is for your DD to be like every other normal kid and part of him probably thinks if he gets her back in "school" where the "normal" kids are that she will learn to be "normal". I went through this fighting with my self over my oldest child. For my son neither public or homeschooling worked, he finally found his place at the christian school down the road and he is finally doing well. Yes you do need to do what is best for your DD, Yes you do need to keep an open and honest conversation with DH. Use the Dr. really, if you haven't it helps set that information in stone for him better. See about comprimises in socialization, 4-h, behind stage work at a theater group, there are a lot of other options.Good luck and keep your chin up.

leighp1
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 12:16 PM

He does not attend the dr appts because he can't get off of work.  He would if he could.  And I might ask him to come if I can get a late appt. (those are few and far between at the dr. office)

Quoting Leissaintexas:

Does he attend any of the dr appt or therapy sessions with you? If he had more hands on involvment in her care, would he see how detrimental it would be to send her to school? My dh was the same way when my oldest was diagnosed with autism. He thought that it was just a crutch, just an excuse to get ds off the hook, so to speak. It took him years of seeing ds struggle in the real world to realize ds's problems were real and that it took an insane amount of work for him to just function. Dads frequently take this stance, because they aren't on scene 24 hours a day interacting like we are. Plus, like someone else mentioned, they don't like admitting their child has a problem. Also, think like a man for minute. How many men admit when they need help? Its not how they are wired. So they have a very hard time understanding when anyone else needs and  gets help.


leighp1
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 12:18 PM

I do have SM groups that I am a part of, but they are mostly out of country.  Seems like Australia is very knowledgeable about SM. 

Quoting CaitsCookies:


Quoting leighp1:

I think you are right that he does not want to admit that there is something wrong with his daughter, but fact is, there is something wrong and I am doing my best to understand it and work with it. I have researched so much about SM and thought about starting a blog about it, but just don't know how well I would be at doing a blog. 


Maybe you could do a closed group on FB? I'm on a closed group for one of my stepson's health issues, on another that deals with PTSD (he and I both have that), and even a secret group for a medical issue. If you do a closed group for SM, people searching for info would find the group.


celticdragon77
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 3:31 PM

As someone who can relate; if you send her to school, you risk making the situation worse. I went to public school and I was picked on at various points. But it's not even just the teasing that can make it worse. If she never fully adjusts, she could get in the "habit" of her own coping mechanisms, which isn't good either. Schools are not usually sympathetic or equipt to deal with certain scenarios - this being one of them. Also, if her "brain switches off - she can't think" when stressed, how will this help her academically. You and your husband need to go into the school armed with a plan and an expectation - as well as a back up plan. 

"live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air..." Emerson 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)