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How we Gave up Most all Rules! (Spin Off of the Radical Unschooling Post)

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So a few Moms wanted me to elaborate more on how my family has done away with most all rules. I will start by adding the link to that conversation for any one that reads this & wants to know the origins of it (LINK HERE) .

I stated in the post that I have found inspiration, support & guidance from Facebook groups as well as a parenting website I will list all of the ones that have helped me the most here.

The parenting site is called Aha! Parenting 

The Facebook groups are

Free your kids

Parent at the Helm (they also have a website)

The Living Free Project (they also have a website)

Formerly Unattached

MotherWise (they cover many different topics outside of the ones this post is about)

There are more & ironically if you go to any of the ones I posted & look in their likes you will find the others I have not posted (they all support & help each other out)

I also want to note here that I have been using a parenting book that has helped my hubby get on board it is called Positive Discipline A-Z

The rules we started dropping where the arbitrary rules that turned moll hills in to mountains. Those kind of rules are different for each family. For us one of those rules was eating in the living room, it was hypocritical of us to tell them they could not eat in there yet we did it & we would spill & have messes just the same as they would so it seemed wrong to tell them no & yet do it ourselves.

Another thing we stopped enforcing was sharing (making kids share actually makes them more selfish). We now encourage negotiations. Just last night my 7y/o DS & 9y/o DD had to negotiate over toys. She wanted to play with his pirate ship & he wanted to play with her Monster High dolls, so I helped mediate the terms of the negotiation & I had both party's agree on the terms before leaving the room. The end result was an evening of playing with no fighting at all & by the end they where playing together with the pirate ship & Littlest Pet Shops.

Even when we have a "rule" that has to stay in place I do try to be flexible with it. The biggest one is bedtime, we have to have this one in place because my husband has to get a good nights sleep for work (he has a job that can be dangerous & lack of sleep makes it more so). Our house is small, the bedrooms are all on the same end & all sounds carry through the walls & floors no matter how quit you try to be. So the way we handle bedtime is they can stay up playing quietly with puzzles or coloring/drawing while I read out loud as long as they can stay quieter then me reading. If they get to loud they get a gentle reminder to turn down their volume & that if they get loud again I will invoke the agreement clause & of coarse if it happens again I then invoke the agreement clause (They agreed to get in to bed when this happens & lay down to sleep with out a protest).

We are still very much learning how to do this as we go along. One of the biggest steps for us has been getting past our own childhoods & leaning to parent in a completely different way then we where. What we are doing is essentially trying to rewire our brains, so for those of you interested in doing something similar the younger your children are the easier it will be for you, compared to us who are also having to rewire our children brains from the way we used to do things. 

You are all more then welcomed to ask me questions & I will do my best to answer them to the best of my ability.  

 

 

by on May. 8, 2013 at 4:07 PM
Replies (11-17):
usmom3
by BJ on May. 8, 2013 at 6:56 PM

 Just a side note I have learned to listen to my gut, so if there is something I don't feel would work for my kids I don't do it because in the past when I went against my gut on stuff like that it proved to not work like I feared it would!

Also don't beat yourself up if you don't handle a situation the way that you know you should. I still mess up but that is part of learning & changing!

Quoting Kat0038:

Ok very helpful. I will definately get the book and check out the websites. Our issue is that we have highly sensitive children and the slightest bit of disciplinary action towards them sends them over the edge. Finally someone suggested that my son has sensory defensiveness. After doing research I started to think both of them do to some degree. Up unto this point we, husband and I, decided unschooling would be best method of teaching the kids, especially my son. That was when I stumbled upon www.livingjoyfully.com Ann Oham who unschooled her highly sensitive child. Anyway I will add your book and websites to my most needed to read list. Thank you

Kat0038
by on May. 8, 2013 at 7:28 PM

Yeah the biggest challenge which you even mentioned, is when my gut feeling challenges what I was taught. I am not sure if that makes any since. Thanks for the encouragement. Your the fact that you are thinking outside the box on parenting and teaching is truly inspiring. 

Quoting usmom3:

 Just a side note I have learned to listen to my gut, so if there is something I don't feel would work for my kids I don't do it because in the past when I went against my gut on stuff like that it proved to not work like I feared it would!

Also don't beat yourself up if you don't handle a situation the way that you know you should. I still mess up but that is part of learning & changing!

Quoting Kat0038:

Ok very helpful. I will definately get the book and check out the websites. Our issue is that we have highly sensitive children and the slightest bit of disciplinary action towards them sends them over the edge. Finally someone suggested that my son has sensory defensiveness. After doing research I started to think both of them do to some degree. Up unto this point we, husband and I, decided unschooling would be best method of teaching the kids, especially my son. That was when I stumbled upon www.livingjoyfully.com Ann Oham who unschooled her highly sensitive child. Anyway I will add your book and websites to my most needed to read list. Thank you


usmom3
by BJ on May. 8, 2013 at 8:40 PM

I know what you are saying that is why I started to look for a different way. I knew in my gut that the way I was razed was not how I wanted to raze my children but when you start out as a parent at 16 you really don't know that there are better ways you just do what was done to you. We have grown even more sense we had our younger 2 children & I continue to grow & change the things as I learn a better way. 

Quoting Kat0038:

Yeah the biggest challenge which you even mentioned, is when my gut feeling challenges what I was taught. I am not sure if that makes any since. Thanks for the encouragement. Your the fact that you are thinking outside the box on parenting and teaching is truly inspiring. 

celticdragon77
by on May. 8, 2013 at 11:56 PM
1 mom liked this

I haven't looked into all the sources you listed. I started by googling the positive discipline A-Z. From what I have both read and seen on YouTube - I have a lot of respect for this type of method. This is similar to how I go about parenting. I liked that she mentions that it is about teaching your child the thinking skills to understand the why - to help develop their critical thinking skills. Yet not let them run wild either. Which she admits, is just as dangerous as the punitive method. This is a different concept of unschooling than I have seen or heard of in the past. I need to read more of what you have posted here, but thanks for posting all of this. Very much worth the read! 

Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air... - Emerson  

Warning: This iPad enjoys auto correcting into jibberish. I have three kids 17, 10.5 and 9 yrs old. This mama works, homeschools, and explores life + varied interests. 

KickButtMama
by Shannon on May. 9, 2013 at 12:11 AM
1 mom liked this

It's so awesome to see how other moms are doing it! 

Pas many know I'm similar, though I have a bit more rules. But that's my Type-A completely anal personality. I've actually come a long way! Lol. Now it's getting DH on board with the do-able expectations. We were quasi-attatchment parents - so we did extended BF, RF, limited-vax, non-circ, co-sleeping, etc. but we do have Some rules. 

For instance using some of the rules you had:

I don't care where they eat, so long as they clean up after themselves. 

They can eat foods of their choosing (whatever we have in stock) at breakfast, 10am, 12 noon, and 4 PM. But I will be making one meal for supper. They are not forced to eat it, but they can't make anything else. Though, I usually have the kids in on the decision making process before I start cooking. 

When it comes to sharing, we encourage negotiations as well. No one need feel like they are pressured to negotiate or share for the first 24 hours after getting an item. We call it the 24 hour rule. After that they can negotiate. I encourage sharing, by explaining how one would feel if the other child had 5 new games and they were not playing 4 of them but wouldn't let anyone else play them either. So I try to teach the kids to think about how their words and actions make others feel rather than demanding they give up whatever someone else asks for.

We are probably more rigid about schedules than you. We have definite, set in stone, bedtimes. They have to be in bed by 9pm. But this is because having a schedule, with explicit expectations helps our Aspergers son. Our daily schedule is kept broad - like no electronics between 10-3 unless its educational. 

To keep from feeling like the Rule Nazi - constantly berating the kids to do whatever. We do our behavior bucks. So whenever they do dishes, or help with laundry, they get 'bucks' in their 'account' that can be used to rent devices from me for 24 hours - the Mommy Red Box...lol. This way we never have to ask the kids to do a chore or school work. If they want a game, they just determine what will net them the more 'bucks' and go from there. 

Oh, we also have very specific rules on hygiene. I demand  tooth brushing, bathing, etc. If they want to dress like ninjas, or shave their heads bald - that's fine, their own self-expression. But hygiene is more necessary than eating IMO...lol

 Home Educators Toolbox  / Articles / Kicbuttmama's Crazy Lapbooks / Kickbuttmama's Home Education
Albert Einstein -- 
   "Everybody is a Genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing it is stupid." 

KickButtMama
by Shannon on May. 9, 2013 at 12:22 AM

It's tough to break the conditioning, but look how many in this group broke with the conditioned expectation that PS was the best form of education, or that both parents Have to be working full-time in order to have enough $$ to be happy. You can do it!

Quoting Kat0038:

Yeah the biggest challenge which you even mentioned, is when my gut feeling challenges what I was taught. I am not sure if that makes any since. Thanks for the encouragement. Your the fact that you are thinking outside the box on parenting and teaching is truly inspiring. 

Quoting usmom3:

 Just a side note I have learned to listen to my gut, so if there is something I don't feel would work for my kids I don't do it because in the past when I went against my gut on stuff like that it proved to not work like I feared it would!

Also don't beat yourself up if you don't handle a situation the way that you know you should. I still mess up but that is part of learning & changing!

Quoting Kat0038:

Ok very helpful. I will definately get the book and check out the websites. Our issue is that we have highly sensitive children and the slightest bit of disciplinary action towards them sends them over the edge. Finally someone suggested that my son has sensory defensiveness. After doing research I started to think both of them do to some degree. Up unto this point we, husband and I, decided unschooling would be best method of teaching the kids, especially my son. That was when I stumbled upon www.livingjoyfully.com Ann Oham who unschooled her highly sensitive child. Anyway I will add your book and websites to my most needed to read list. Thank you



Kat0038
by on May. 9, 2013 at 7:01 AM

So true! It really is all about not only thinking outside the box but acting outside the box as well. 

Quoting KickButtMama:

It's tough to break the conditioning, but look how many in this group broke with the conditioned expectation that PS was the best form of education, or that both parents Have to be working full-time in order to have enough $$ to be happy. You can do it!

Quoting Kat0038:

Yeah the biggest challenge which you even mentioned, is when my gut feeling challenges what I was taught. I am not sure if that makes any since. Thanks for the encouragement. Your the fact that you are thinking outside the box on parenting and teaching is truly inspiring. 

Quoting usmom3:

 Just a side note I have learned to listen to my gut, so if there is something I don't feel would work for my kids I don't do it because in the past when I went against my gut on stuff like that it proved to not work like I feared it would!

Also don't beat yourself up if you don't handle a situation the way that you know you should. I still mess up but that is part of learning & changing!

Quoting Kat0038:

Ok very helpful. I will definately get the book and check out the websites. Our issue is that we have highly sensitive children and the slightest bit of disciplinary action towards them sends them over the edge. Finally someone suggested that my son has sensory defensiveness. After doing research I started to think both of them do to some degree. Up unto this point we, husband and I, decided unschooling would be best method of teaching the kids, especially my son. That was when I stumbled upon www.livingjoyfully.com Ann Oham who unschooled her highly sensitive child. Anyway I will add your book and websites to my most needed to read list. Thank you




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