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Your kids behavior is a direct reflection of how you are, internally.

Posted by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 9:00 PM
  • 25 Replies
2 moms liked this
How do you feel about that statement? It hits pretty hard for me, because my middle child is WILD. Disobedient, defiant, crazy, rude, and just all around... Well... Annoying. Ha! So what does that say about me?
I am reading a book and it is saying that your internal chaos is reflected in your child's behavior. Well, it's kinda right. I HAVE been chaotic lately. My mind is everywhere. We are trying to find a builder, sell our house, I have a 1 year old, 4 year old and almost 8 year old, we homeschool, I'm closing my business... It just goes on and on.
As much as I would like to think it isn't my fault... It is. When I have my act together, plan activities, have a rhythm to our days - everything is smoother, including her behavior. I feel bad because her whole 4 years have been a bit on the chaotic side.
I am working hard to change this, but was wondering how everyone else feels about that statement. I'm really liking this book, it seems to be ringing true a lot. Very eye opening.

The book is by oak meadow and is called heart of learning, if anyone is interested or has read it.
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by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 9:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Joann.HS
by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 9:22 PM
I do agree with it for the most part, but in reality kids are individuals with their own very unique make-up.

Sorry if this is unsolicited advice and off topic. But when my kids were all younger, I (& I like control lol) had to give up some control and two of mine actually went to a twice a week/for a few hours in the morning preschool. It was a church with a small private classroom. No naps, no lunch...just a lot of fun (and learning letters). My two thrived. They also happen to be my two who I question if they will want a classroom setting at some point in time.

Again, sorry I veered off topic :)
christina259
by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 9:28 PM

Oh wow, interesting. I can believe that . I love books like that. Think I'm adding a new read to my list. Thanks.simple smile

hwblyf
by Bronze Member on Jul. 7, 2013 at 9:51 PM
3 moms liked this

So you've chosen one out of you 3 to be reflective of you, the one having the most problems right now.  I feel that our children are massively influenced by us, but who they are works together with what's going on around them.  Are your other two calm and going with the flow?  Why is that not reflective of you?  I don't ask this to be rude or to shoot down anyone else's theory, but I think we're harder on ourselves when our children have a hard time, and no one ever guaranteed life wouldn't be easy.  Kids react to that unease.  So do we, but kids have fewer ways to cope, so they're reactions are more extreme, more shocking and exasperating to us.  I don't doubt for a second that when your life is calmer, more planned out, and running smoothly, that your kiddo is better able to deal with the day.  But don't think of that as a fault or somehow wrong.  Your kiddo will learn to deal with all the changes, it just may be a difficult journey.

Boobah
by Nikki :) on Jul. 7, 2013 at 10:19 PM
I have actually considered a 2 day preschool for this fall, just to see how it goes.

Quoting Joann.HS:

I do agree with it for the most part, but in reality kids are individuals with their own very unique make-up.



Sorry if this is unsolicited advice and off topic. But when my kids were all younger, I (& I like control lol) had to give up some control and two of mine actually went to a twice a week/for a few hours in the morning preschool. It was a church with a small private classroom. No naps, no lunch...just a lot of fun (and learning letters). My two thrived. They also happen to be my two who I question if they will want a classroom setting at some point in time.



Again, sorry I veered off topic :)
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Boobah
by Nikki :) on Jul. 7, 2013 at 10:27 PM
1 mom liked this
Actually, this is why I believe it has some truth. See, my first child is very much like how I was when she was born. I was organized, calm, collected, and in all honesty, a much better parent. I was mentally present a lot more than I am now, interacted more with her, etc. I believe those were her formative years, between the ages of 0-4 before her sister was born, and she got a lot of the good in me.

When my middle child was born, I was going through a bit of a personal emotional crisis, and kind of checked out for a good portion of her infancy. We didn't bond as well as my first and I did because I was not mentally or emotionally there for her like I was with my first. I was not a good example, and am currently struggling to correct that. Life is not complete chaos right now, but it is very scattered and unfocused since there is so much going on. Way too much yelling, disciplining, threatening going on. In turn, she is quite chaotic, can't focus, yells, doesn't listen, and is disrespectful.

When I am on top of my game and let the stresses go, she is a different child. When I can calm myself internally - my thoughts and emotions - she is able to be much calmer as well.

My youngest just turned 1. I have been more present with her, and bonded more in her infancy because I realized that I wast doing things right. I knew I wanted to change. That I wanted to be better. She is more calm and loving, but I do see her get chaotic when things are out of control also.

I do believe kids are huge sense organs, and can feel things in the environment a lot stronger than we.


Quoting hwblyf:

So you've chosen one out of you 3 to be reflective of you, the one having the most problems right now.  I feel that our children are massively influenced by us, but who they are works together with what's going on around them.  Are your other two calm and going with the flow?  Why is that not reflective of you?  I don't ask this to be rude or to shoot down anyone else's theory, but I think we're harder on ourselves when our children have a hard time, and no one ever guaranteed life wouldn't be easy.  Kids react to that unease.  So do we, but kids have fewer ways to cope, so they're reactions are more extreme, more shocking and exasperating to us.  I don't doubt for a second that when your life is calmer, more planned out, and running smoothly, that your kiddo is better able to deal with the day.  But don't think of that as a fault or somehow wrong.  Your kiddo will learn to deal with all the changes, it just may be a difficult journey.

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Boobah
by Nikki :) on Jul. 7, 2013 at 10:28 PM
I highly recommend simplicity parenting by Kim John Payne. Awesome book.

Quoting christina259:

Oh wow, interesting. I can believe that . I love books like that. Think I'm adding a new read to my list. Thanks.simple smile

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Joann.HS
by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 10:43 PM
It may not be the answer, but my two loved it. Loved it. They have gone on to homeschool, but when I think about the future and their needs and desires, I wonder if they will eventually enjoy a traditional school setting.




Quoting Boobah:

I have actually considered a 2 day preschool for this fall, just to see how it goes.



Quoting Joann.HS:

I do agree with it for the most part, but in reality kids are individuals with their own very unique make-up.





Sorry if this is unsolicited advice and off topic. But when my kids were all younger, I (& I like control lol) had to give up some control and two of mine actually went to a twice a week/for a few hours in the morning preschool. It was a church with a small private classroom. No naps, no lunch...just a lot of fun (and learning letters). My two thrived. They also happen to be my two who I question if they will want a classroom setting at some point in time.





Again, sorry I veered off topic :)

Joann.HS
by on Jul. 7, 2013 at 10:50 PM
1 mom liked this
PS Try not to beat yourself up too bad. :)
This season of motherhood will soon pass.
If your husband can watch your other two, maybe you can take your one out that is having difficulty at the moment. And spend some quality time alone with her.
lucsch
by Bronze Member on Jul. 8, 2013 at 3:35 AM

Nope. All four of mine are all very different. It has more to do with their natural temperaments. That's not to say that my behavior can't set off a change reaction, though! I'm generally fairly calm and predictable, however. That is, at least outwardly. I do struggle with depression.

Just tell yourself that a bit of chaos teaches resiliency!

celticdragon77
by on Jul. 8, 2013 at 3:55 AM

So many things go into the make up of a human being. 

"Life sucks, but in a beautiful kind of way."  ~Axl Rose 




 

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