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Homeschooling Moms Homeschooling Moms

I have no idea how to handle this anymore...

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(sorry this is a lot longer than I meant it to be) 

My neighbor was previously putting her daughter in private school, but her ex's mom was paying, and now no longer is. She has known this since LAST YEAR, and never looked into where she was going to send her daughter or if she was going to homeschool. During the school year she asked a bunch of questions about how we do all our schooling, and I answered, showed her our stuff...and more questions started popping up that she asks now on a weekly basis...

We don't use a set "program", I pick and choose what is going to work best for us. She asks questions like, is this accredited, will colleges even accept this, what do you mean you can make your own diploma, how will colleges look at that, no one wants a GED"... looking waaay into high school even though she knows she wouldn't be homeschooling that long...

Then she goes back to the option of putting her in public school since she'll be working. The schools around here, K-3 is elementary, 4-5 is intermediary, 6-8 is middle school (give or take a year out of each depending on the school). Her daughter will be in 4th. She's freaking out because she is under the firm belief that her daughter will be going to the horrible school mine went to for a semester of 1st grade and is insistant on figuring out how to transfer her to the only good elementary school around her. I've told her a half a million times how...daily... along with the bit of information that she needs to be looking at the intermediary schools now anyway so worrying about a transfer is the least of her problems. Finally, I got so annoyed, I just looked up which intermediary school her daughter should be going to, ratings, and local opinion on it. It's not that bad. I won't send my daughter there, but it still doesn't sound that bad. (She's trying very hard to convince me to let my daughter go to school with hers....)

Then she flips back to homeschooling again. Again with the questions... She asks how much I'm paying for everything, I tell her, and she freaks out (it's close to $1,000 for both kids this year). I also explain that I pick and choose my own curriculum (for the bagillionth time) and she could essentially homeschool for free if she looked stuff up on her own. I even gave her a list of all different curriculum and free websites, and I don't think I should've even gone that far at this point.

Yesterday. She was on the homeschool side again, but then goes, "So if I do online school with her, I could just send her over here on the days I work, and on my off days we could go on field trips because I feel that is highly important." ...I can't begin to tell you how badly my insides curled up and wanted me to scream and cry on the spot, and not of joy.... Instead I just looked at her and told her as calmly as I could that if she was really leaning towards homeschooling she needed to go the library (ours is very homeschool friendly) and check out some books on homeschooling, start figuring out really quickly which way she feels she wants to go with it, and look stuff up online. I put in hours researching everything, and it took me months to figure out which curriculum was best for us. She quickly made an excuse to leave with an, "Okay, we'll chat more about this later."

I like my neighbor. She can be great. I dislike her daughter... I have been watching her over the school year last year, and a good chunk of this summer - even on days when shes home! Her daughter has lied and stole, and she will not believe a word we say, she'll side with her daughter. I get it. You want to believe your child is an angel...the one being bullied, not the one bullying. But when numerous adults and kids are telling you something opposite your kid is - who should you really believe?! Ugh.

Also, I don't want my entire year based on her work schedule. I don't want to have to figure out how to do school with her daughter when I'm still learning with my own kids, especially since this year I'm fully adding my little guy. She also works 12 hours on random days of the week, but most of the week. I don't want a 3rd child. Hubby and I agreed we were done at 2... Hubby is waiting for a date before he's medically retired, and we have no idea whats going to happen next, and I was really hoping that once he got a new job, that I'd be able to get one that was opposite of his schedule so we could tag team this whole schooling thing, and have more money to do more...having my neighbor's daughter in the equation creats "error" on the calculator.

I have told her all of that NUMBEROUS times (including that I don't like her daughter). I do not want to be responsible for her or her kid, in fact, I already want to wash my hands of the responsibility of them that magically appeared on my lap from last year. She just assumes that I'll be willing to homeschool her kid since I'm already schooling mine, and refuses to  listen to the answer "No." I honestly do not know what to do at this point with her. I've been nice and I've been blunt and nothing seems to be getting across.

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by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 8:00 AM
Replies (31-40):
No_Difference
by Silver Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 1:13 PM

 I don't mind the questions as long as I'm not repeatedly answering the same question almost every other day. To me, that is the equivalent (after about the 2nd/3rd time) of pretending to care, not really wanting the answers, or not liking the answer and hoping that I can magically change everything so she can get the answer she wants. I had previously told her when she first started asking about how we homeschool that she could sit in on a day or two. She said she'd come over on a certain day, and then make an excuse to not...so her loss at this point. I don't mind pointing her in the direction she needs to be looking things up, but I do mind doing the work for her. She doesn't go home and research anything about homeschooling, she expects me to do it for her and give her everything at this point. She isn't a "bad person" and I wouldn't mind being an actual friend to her, if the favor was returned. Instead I've gone past being walked over, to trampled over, and this is just the tip of the iceburg as of late. I honestly could never go to the extreme of calling CPS, but I have gone out the back door on numerous occasions because I don't want to deal with the drama that usually comes with answering the door. I have let her know I'm not a fan of her kid, which is another reason I won't homeschool her, and don't want to watch her next school year. I had given the final dead line of "I'll help you out to the end of this summer, but come the school year, find someone else and get yourself together." Those were exact words...and it still hasn't apparently sunken in. That's why I'm at a loss as to what to do... The next step for me is to blow up about every little thing that has happened and not only is it going to make my ill to do it, but I can forsee it turning into a hostile living environment in the neighborhood... I'm hoping we find out if we're going to move soon or not, because if we are, then I won't feel so bad about becoming that abrasive...  I don't like when people have me stringing along, and I try my hardest to not do it to others, and I really hope I'm not doing it to her! I haven't exactly been hiding any bluntness or iritation, but I have been trying not to get snippy or cause drama. 

Quoting celticdragon77:

Back when my oldest daughter was having issues at school, I wanted another option. I was working on a csa farm at the time - the owners were teachers at a local private school. We were talking about my childs situation and one of the ladys at the farm (overhearing the convo) mentioned homeschooling. I remember that I was so intrigued with the concept - that every time I saw her, I was asking questions. 

I would go home and research and yet talking to a real live homeschooler intriqued me more.

I didn't send my kids to her or go to her house or want her to homeschool my kids...

But I must have been annoying enough because after about 3 Fridays of this, she finally said "I come here to get away from my house, away from homeschooling..." I got the hint and shut up about the topic.  

You have to be firm and set very clear boundaries. It doesn't sound like you like the lady or her kid. Yet, it sounds like she thinks that her and her daughter made friends. So I would just be honest with her. I would rather someone just be straight up with me than secretly have a growing resentment towards me. It just makes fools out of everyone otherwise. You need to rip this bandaid off quickly. It will hurt and then blow over. 

Calling cps or sneaking out your back door... that seems extreme. I would never get to that point with someone. 

 

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gratefulgal
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 1:30 PM

 

Yes, but SHE wouldn't know this, and wouldn't even look far enough into it. She's looking for a free babysitter.

Quoting No_Difference:

 I avoid confrontation at all costs too, and this is has what has come from it for us so far... We're in WV. If I read everything correctly, provided she gave a copy of her and my (assuming I'd actually agree to homeschool her kid) diploma, and got approval from the county board of ed, then technically I could.  I don't want to...but unfortunatly I think that loop hole exists :/. I would never give up my diploma, and I would totally tell the board of ed that I do not want to, and I'm sure they'd have no problem backing me up...

(1) The instruction shall be in the home of the child or children or at some other place approved by the county board and for a time equal to the instructional term set forth in section forty-five, article five of this chapter. If the request for home instruction is denied by the county board, good and reasonable justification for the denial shall be furnished in writing to the applicant by the county board. The instruction shall be conducted by a person or persons who, in the judgment of the county superintendent and county board, are qualified to give instruction in subjects required to be taught in public elementary schools in the state. The person or persons providing the instruction, upon request of the county superintendent, shall furnish to the county board information and records as may be required, from time to time, with respect to attendance, instruction and progress of pupils enrolled between the entrance age and sixteen years receiving the instruction. The state board shall develop guidelines for the home schooling of special education students including alternative assessment measures to assure that satisfactory academic progress is achieved.

 

Approval option -- subdivision (1) – specifies that:

 

· the county board of education and the county superintendent approve the home instruction program, including the instructor and the place where the instruction takes place.

 

Quoting debramommyof4:

Since she is not willing to read the laws, and I don't remember what state you bare in, but some say if it is not the parent they have to pay and I think be an accredited teacher.

I would tell her either that you can not legally teach someone else's child because you are not a teacher or that if you do take on her dd then it will cost her about 2000 a month.I would only do this because somewhere out is true and she is going to cause your family issues. I have dealt with people who behaved similarly, and I don't do well with confrontion. So it has hurt my family.

Maybe that will scare her off.

Good luck.

 

 


 

usmom3
by BJ on Jul. 10, 2013 at 1:37 PM
1 mom liked this

 Wow, I have nothing that would help because it looks as though you have tried it all. I guess if she dose show up & drop her off after you have told her no you could threaten her with calling the cops & telling them that she has abandoned her at your house. I know that is harsh but if nothing else is working maybe it is time to get harsh!

PurpleCupcake
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 2:18 PM
3 moms liked this

Why keep telling her when she doesn't listen or excepting what you say? I'm sorry but I don't have time to have one sided conversations, and I'm sure you don't either. I guarantee her behavior will not change...ever.

You are under the misguided notion that in your own home you have to answer the door when someone knocks and answer the telephone when someone calls.

It's you house, your phone, your door, your drive way, your porch....

Tell her once to never come back again and never speak to her again.

If you don't, this will not end.

I've had neighbors like this, they are leeches who zap your energy and attempt to in someway control you. Don't give her that chance anymore. 

Quoting No_Difference:

 Thank you everyone :)
I will continue to tell her no until she hears it, listens to it, understands it, and accepts it!
I will avoid the talk of school alltogether so she hopefully gets the hint.
And if by the end of swim season (It's almost over, and it's a huge chunk of patience dedicated to that lol) this is still continuing, I will buck up, roll up my sleeves, and allow my ugly side to get some sun (not that I really want to...but it looks like that's what its going to take).


No_Difference
by Silver Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 4:14 PM

 I had no intenion of telling her. And you're right, she wouldn't look.

Quoting gratefulgal:

 

Yes, but SHE wouldn't know this, and wouldn't even look far enough into it. She's looking for a free babysitter.

Quoting No_Difference:

 I avoid confrontation at all costs too, and this is has what has come from it for us so far... We're in WV. If I read everything correctly, provided she gave a copy of her and my (assuming I'd actually agree to homeschool her kid) diploma, and got approval from the county board of ed, then technically I could.  I don't want to...but unfortunatly I think that loop hole exists :/. I would never give up my diploma, and I would totally tell the board of ed that I do not want to, and I'm sure they'd have no problem backing me up...

(1) The instruction shall be in the home of the child or children or at some other place approved by the county board and for a time equal to the instructional term set forth in section forty-five, article five of this chapter. If the request for home instruction is denied by the county board, good and reasonable justification for the denial shall be furnished in writing to the applicant by the county board. The instruction shall be conducted by a person or persons who, in the judgment of the county superintendent and county board, are qualified to give instruction in subjects required to be taught in public elementary schools in the state. The person or persons providing the instruction, upon request of the county superintendent, shall furnish to the county board information and records as may be required, from time to time, with respect to attendance, instruction and progress of pupils enrolled between the entrance age and sixteen years receiving the instruction. The state board shall develop guidelines for the home schooling of special education students including alternative assessment measures to assure that satisfactory academic progress is achieved.

 

Approval option -- subdivision (1) – specifies that:

 

· the county board of education and the county superintendent approve the home instruction program, including the instructor and the place where the instruction takes place.

 

Quoting debramommyof4:

Since she is not willing to read the laws, and I don't remember what state you bare in, but some say if it is not the parent they have to pay and I think be an accredited teacher.

I would tell her either that you can not legally teach someone else's child because you are not a teacher or that if you do take on her dd then it will cost her about 2000 a month.I would only do this because somewhere out is true and she is going to cause your family issues. I have dealt with people who behaved similarly, and I don't do well with confrontion. So it has hurt my family.

Maybe that will scare her off.

Good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

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debramommyof4
by Silver Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 5:22 PM
I will look into it thank you. Thankfully my husbands only main problem from combat is PTSD. But I will look them up. My husband does feel isolated most of the time.

Quoting No_Difference:

 Crowds are the absolute worst. They are avoided at all costs. I'm amazed that he's been able to go to swim meets, but he made it clear he wasn't going to divisionals (6 teams at our team's tiny pool). I even told him he wasn't invited to go lol.

I liked the Battling Bare site, and hopefully I'll get more of a chance to explore it.
I'm not entirely sure if this is entirely relevant, or if you and your husband would be interested, but the Lost Brigade Project has been awesome for mine. They hold a marksmanship contest for wounded vets, but I'm not entirely sure if it's physical wounds, or if PTSD alone qualifies... They recently had posted something about a soldier who commited suicide with PTSD and the fact he felt abandoned. They pointed out the Lost Bridgade's number one comment each year is the commraderie between particpants, and I can honestly say, I have never seen so many guys who you can tell are tense most of the time, just relax. It's one of the greatest weekends out of the year lol.


Quoting debramommyof4:


 It has been several years with my husband too.  He trys to hide most of it, but crowds and loud booms still are really hard for him, he can hide some of them.  I love the battling bare site.  They are awesome. 


It sucks but I have been known to take my kids upstairs and turn on a movie to keep people from knowing we are home.


Quoting No_Difference:


 I've even gone as far as sneaking the kids out the back door and pretending we weren't home lol.

After my husband first returned home from his deployment, it was easy to spot his triggers, and he has gotten over some (like light switches not flipped the same way), but now that it's 5 years later, he's gotten so good at internalizing it, that it's hard to see when he's going to blow. I just know he's getting frustrated so it's best to remove him from the equation...

I haven't looked at it yet, because I forgot what it was called...I will go look at it now!! LOL. I heard it was really good :) Thank you!







 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 

MessedUpMama
by Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 7:12 PM

Keep telling her no. Use you moving as one reason. Even if you end up not moving, keep telling her that you might be. Don't discuss homeschooling with her any more. Have a printed list of web sites and books she can use to do it on her own, if you want to. But never talk to her about it again.

You can do a few other things that might get your point across. Don't let her in if she comes to you house, close the door in her face if she won't leave. Don't be friendly, don't be overly rude either. Don't wave if you see her, pretend you don't see her when you go outside, or when you come home. If you have to speak to her keep it as short as possible. From now on she is a stranger to you.

People like her know a push over when they see one. They take advantage of nice people like you and they have a hard time taking NO for an answer. You have already said no, so now you have to stick with it. When does school start? Remind her that she needs to make other arrangements for her daughter before that date. You are still watching her daughter for the summer right? If you aren't then just ignore her as much as possible.

If that is not possible for you because you are such a nice person, you could tell her that you would have to charge her for daycare and tutoring/teaching her daughter. Make sure you charge more than she would pay. I would add the cost per hour for daycare and the cost per hour for a private tutor. So if daycare is usually $3 an hour, and tutoring is $5 an hour you would charge her $8 an hour. Just make sure that it's much more than she can pay or you might be stuck teaching her daughter.

Edited to add: If you do decide to tell her you wil charge her tell her she has to pay every month IN ADVANCE. That you can not let her daughter in you house unless she pays you first.

Knightquester
by Bronze Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 8:08 PM

I'm sorry, for some people you just have to be blunt and just say no.  I have had to say no plenty of times to friends that wanted me to babysit or to homeschool their kids.  I am still friends with those same people, and they understood when I told them that I want my time with my family, and that means not taking in other peoples children regardless if they're willing to pay.  I can think of only a few children outside my own that I would consider homeschooling, and those are children I've known since birth, I like, and I am very close to their parents who parent much like I do.  I don't want to help raise, teach and monitor somebody elses child.  I am at a point in my life where I would rather enjoy the time I have with my own children, and I could care less if somebody takes offense to that, or if it sounds selfish.

Just tell her that you're not going to homeschool or help homeschool her child.  If she opens the door, as she did previously, about her child going to your house to school let her know the truth, that it isn't something that will happen.  While it's good to be nice, which I always try to be, it's wiser to be truthful and let people know how you feel rather than stringing them along or giving in so they can use you.

Knightquester
by Bronze Member on Jul. 10, 2013 at 8:17 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm sorry, I just read some of the replies, lots of good ones too.

Listen you don't like the kid, and the woman sounds like a senseless leach that you really don't care for.  Give her the cold shoulder from now on when you're outside and she's around.  If she's coming towards you get in your car and leave, or go in your house and don't answer the door.  Let your family know you're taking a break from that neighbor and to not talk to them.

Sooner or later she'll get the point, but just in case she ever drops the kid off and ding-dong-ditches, if that ever happens then walk the kid home (see if somebody is home) if not call the cops and let them know a kid was abandoned on your doorstep, and when you went to the kids home nobody answered.

Take no responsibility in an area you don't want to, otherwise you may regret it.  This neighbor sounds like she needs to put on her big girl panties and figure things out for herself without relying so heavily on others doing the leg work for her.

ablessedlife
by on Jul. 10, 2013 at 8:18 PM
1 mom liked this
Your first responsibility is your own family. I would not do it. No way! I would get rude if I had to. (I would not have time for her anymore. )
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