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OT: letting your kid ride with someone else

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My friend, who I trust, has a daughter the same age as my younger daughter (6) and she just had a birthday. She wants to go out to lunch with a couple of her friends to celebrate. So my friend wants to pick up my daughter, and another little girl who lives a couple blocks from me, tomorrow, and take all 3 girls to a pizza place for lunch, then over to her house to play for an hour or two afterwards. 

I will interject here that I have some major anxiety issues. I  have it mostly under control, and it almost all stems from my grandpa being brutally murdered 14 years ago (a very horrid experience all around) - I have had to struggle against this thought process that says, if something terrible happened once, it will happen again - that the world contains evil - etc. I have been on/off medication, done therapy, the whole bit. I now take a mild sedative once in awhile, but that's all. And usually,  I'm fine.

But I have an issue with letting my children ride in cars with other people. I KNOW it's crazy. I know my friend very well. She is a very safe driver. I have been a passenger with her and actually gotten irritated at how SLOW she drives! :) She's also responsible. She has 3 kids like me, she's a speech therapist, she is a girl scout troop leader and a cub scout den leader. You really couldn't ask for a more trustworthy person.

So I KNOW I need to let my daughter. She's excited to go have a girls' lunch out. I need to get used to having my kids be in the care of others. (For the record it's not like I never leave them - I leave them with DH all the time, my mom sometimes takes them for an overnight even - it's the car I mostly have issue with, IDK why.)

I mean - the whole point of parenting is to raise children into capable, confident adults, right? And they can never get there if they are always under my thumb. They need to experience things away from me. Cognitively, I know this. But emotionally and mentally, I'm a wreck.

I am planning to ask my friend to text me when they get to the restaurant. She knows my 'issues' and will understand. 

Ugh. Does anyone else struggle with letting their kids go and do things with other people? I don't want my craziness to stop my kids from doing things they enjoy, things that all kids do and benefit from.

by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 3:14 PM
Replies (11-20):
debramommyof4
by Silver Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 1:27 AM

 I have major anxiety when it comes to my children in the care of others.  They drive me crazy but I can not be away for more than a few hours and rarely over night without freaking out and thinking the worst happened. 

That is not why I homeschool, but homeschooling helps the anxiety.  I have been fighting it for a long time.  My best friend, who is like my sister, took my oldest two girls to spend the night and go to a play place while I dealt with my son in the hospital (he somehow got ahold of my tylenol that is kept in a cabinet way above the kids heads). 

By 4 pm the next day I was freaking out, scared out of my mind and pissed(she did nothing wrong).  But we got over it.  You have to do it, but you still have to be sane at the end.  I had to inform my friend that I was scared and angry and she did not understand (my anxiety has gotten worse lately), so I had to ensure she knew it was me and not her.  My issues so she and I worked it out.

Mommy2Phenley
by Bronze Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 3:32 AM
Yes, I have a hard time. Granted my oldest is only 5 so I think I'm still allowed to be a bit protective. She rides with my mom and my MIL, but I installed the car seats and gave them a thorough training in how to properly use them (I'm a cpst). I can't think of anyone else I would let her ride with even though I may trust them otherwise. I know I will have to soon, and I will. But I'm not quite there yet.

Over 4th of July we stayed in a cabin about 2 hours from Yellowstone with MIL and SIL. DD rode with MIL most of the first day trip to Yellowstone. Then on our way out in the evening DH and I were following and MIL missed her turn. We decided to pull over because every other time we got separated by even a car or two MIL pulled over to let us catch up. So we waited a minute then pulled out expecting to find them at the next pullout. They weren't there. Or at the next one. Or the next. It had started pouring by this point and MIL drives a very generic car. We thought they may have passed us so we turned to head the right way. But we couldn't be sure. Once we got reception close to the exit I started calling SIL and dh's aunt who was with them and even MIL though she was driving. No answer.

I was flipping out. I had no way of knowing if they were ahead of us somewhere and forgot to take their phones out of airplane mode, if they were lost in the downpour in Yellowstone, or if they were still obliviously driving north and were to Montana by now.

We waited a while outside the gate not knowing what to do. I didn't want to make the two hour drive back if my daughter was still in the park who knows where. It was almost ten pm when we finally got a call through to them. They were almost out of the park. We never did find out just how far they'd gone before realizing they missed their turn. DD was asleep so we didn't make her move to our car. Then baby had to nurse so we had to stop. So I didn't have her the whole way back or get to keep an eye on the car. And it was still pouring. And would be midnight before we were all reunited at the cabin.

Day 2 she rode with us. Just sayin'.
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celticdragon77
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 5:52 AM

The kids and I were in a TERRIBLE car accident two years (dui driver hit us at 85mph in a 35mph zone 2 blocks from our house - he fled the scene - we were trapped in our car for what seemed like forever, in the dark, upside down, and no one could find us because we had rolled down a steep embankment). The fears we had afterwards took time to recover from.

Life can change in a heartbeat. And you KNOW that! It isn't something that you can ever take forgranted ever again! I know that I personally have had to accept that I can not determine fate. 

I don't know what advice to give. Everyone is different. I relate to you on this though.

Maybe you could briefly explaining your situation / fears to anyone who drives your kids. If the panic attacks are too bad, then have someone you trust practice taking the kids for short drives. Hell, maybe you rarely ever have the children driven by anyone but you, for now. Eventually though, your kids are going to want to learn how to drive. Just time and facing my fears is what has helped me the most. 

Bleacher-mom
by Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 6:03 AM

Yes, my husband calls me OPM (Overly Protective Mother) I grew up around Des Moines, IA and have heard crazy stuff. My kids have never stayed the night with anyone other than very close friends (Even with them it's limited) who have children my kids' age, or family. If my kids are playing outside, I'm right there watching them like a hawk (which makes it hard because all the other moms are inside cleaning and cooking, while I'm outside watching my kids not getting a thing done in my own house).

There was even a time my MIL wanted to take my two kids and SIL daughter out to lunch and then the park. I was under the impression that SIL was going, so I was O.K. knowing there would be two adults. When I dropped them off, she wasn't around at all. So, I went with them and I'm glad I did. When kids got to the park, they all went in different directions.

I have seen parents drop their kids off at places, like B-day party's and other events, but I'm always hanging around somewhere.

celticdragon77
by on Jul. 25, 2013 at 6:12 AM

I grew up in foster care, so I have heard some messed up stories. This has in the past caused me to have fears about allowing my kids at other peoples houses. I suck it up and allow it, but I get to know the parents, have my kids take a cell phone, and have had talks about various situations and safety precautions. My kids are all getting older now, and the fears do get better with time. 

Quoting Bleacher-mom:

Yes, my husband calls me OPM (Overly Protective Mother) I grew up around Des Moines, IA and have heard crazy stuff. My kids have never stayed the night with anyone other than very close friends (Even with them it's limited) who have children my kids' age, or family. If my kids are playing outside, I'm right there watching them like a hawk (which makes it hard because all the other moms are inside cleaning and cooking, while I'm outside watching my kids not getting a thing done in my own house).

There was even a time my MIL wanted to take my two kids and SIL daughter out to lunch and then the park. I was under the impression that SIL was going, so I was O.K. knowing there would be two adults. When I dropped them off, she wasn't around at all. So, I went with them and I'm glad I did. When kids got to the park, they all went in different directions.

I have seen parents drop their kids off at places, like B-day party's and other events, but I'm always hanging around somewhere.


"Wouldnt it be nice if we lived in a world where Zimmerman offered Trayvon a ride home to get him out of the rain that night." 

Boobah
by Nikki :) on Jul. 25, 2013 at 8:32 AM
I am the same way. I will not let anyone drive my kids besides us or my mom. This was the first year I let someone take my dd anywhere. She is almost 8 and her bff's mom took them to vacation bible school down the road. I was a nervous wreck three days. Lol
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Leissaintexas
by Bronze Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 10:02 AM

Oh my. I would probably explode if I lived with this kind of fear and uncertainty.  I am by far the most free range parent I know. I realize it probably stems from my idealic, "Mayberry" type childhood, and terrific relationship with family, but I can say I've never had an issue with who my kids ride with or who they sleep over with.  My kids' first sleepovers are usually at around 12 weeks old and mommy needs to sleep, so Nana would come and get the baby for the night. When my oldest was a year old, my aunt took him for a week to a family reunion type thing.  At around 4 and 6 my MIL took them to my SIL about 3 hours away for the weekend. They sleep over at friends houses and ride with whoever they want. They're 10 and 12 now, and They stay home alone while dh and I have date night, DS is often at work with dh and in charge of hte repair shop alone when dh has to make a parts delivery.  Even if I wanted to worry, dh wouldn't let me! LOL. He tells me when he thinks I'm being over protective. He'll stop me and go, "Suck it up momma,and put away the bubblewrap" LOL.

hipmomto3
by Bronze Member on Jul. 25, 2013 at 10:18 AM


THIS Is so me too! I am the same way. I have gotten to the point where, if my oldest is out there as well, I'll come inside to do something quick -  maybe take a load of laundry from the washer and put it into the dryer, or use the bathroom, or grab the phone - telling her to be in charge until I'm back. But 95% of the time they are outside, I am out there too. I don't think you can ever assume that where you live is safe, anywhere. When I was a child, in 3rd grade, my good friend was riding her bicycle up and down the sidewalk right in front of her house, her parents were inside asleep because they worked 3rds and her teenage sister was supposed to be in charge of her. Anyway, a guy came up to her and shoved a pocketknife under her shorts up against her underwear and said horrid things to her. She started to scream, and he took off running, and her dad came out and chased the guy for blocks but lost him. The police never found him. They moved out to the country a few months later, but still - no place is really safe. We know all of our immediate neighbors, but our neighborhood is at the end of a pedestrian river trail, so lots of walkers and cyclists use it as a way to make their route a little longer. We get way more people on foot and bikes than in cars. :)  I don't believe the world is full of evil people just ready to kidnap, molest, and murder my children. However, I can't ignore the fact that those people DO exist, in greater number than most of us would like to think about. And my  job as their mother is to keep them safe, and to raise them into confident adults, and I can't do the 2nd part if I don't do the 1st part. It's a constant balancing act for me - safety vs the benefits they could gain from a risky situation. (I feel like they will play the same in the yard whether I am there or not - I usually read, or do lesson plans, or work on sewing.)

Quoting Bleacher-mom:

If my kids are playing outside, I'm right there watching them like a hawk (which makes it hard because all the other moms are inside cleaning and cooking, while I'm outside watching my kids not getting a thing done in my own house).



Bleacher-mom
by Member on Jul. 26, 2013 at 2:29 PM


Wow, that's a horrible thing that happened to your friend. Things were I live now are so much different. Ever hear of Morgin Nick? That happened at my brother's baseball game. I wasn't at that one, but I was at the one before and I remember the kids playing just 10 or so yards up the hill behind the bleachers under the street light right next to the street. And I also remember my mother saying that if the parents weren't more careful one of them might get kidnapped. Well, sure enough, at the next game he played, she got kidnapped. I'm not going to say that every one is, because I know some parents that are like me, but it seems like most people around here are a lot more trusting. I even have 2 friends that when they go in somewhere they leave their car doors unlocked and the keys in the ignitions. That drives me crazy when I go anywhere with them because I always expect to come out and the car be gone, and then we're stuck. When I get out of my car, anything of value is tucked under the seat, windows up and doors locked.

Quoting hipmomto3:


THIS Is so me too! I am the same way. I have gotten to the point where, if my oldest is out there as well, I'll come inside to do something quick -  maybe take a load of laundry from the washer and put it into the dryer, or use the bathroom, or grab the phone - telling her to be in charge until I'm back. But 95% of the time they are outside, I am out there too. I don't think you can ever assume that where you live is safe, anywhere. When I was a child, in 3rd grade, my good friend was riding her bicycle up and down the sidewalk right in front of her house, her parents were inside asleep because they worked 3rds and her teenage sister was supposed to be in charge of her. Anyway, a guy came up to her and shoved a pocketknife under her shorts up against her underwear and said horrid things to her. She started to scream, and he took off running, and her dad came out and chased the guy for blocks but lost him. The police never found him. They moved out to the country a few months later, but still - no place is really safe. We know all of our immediate neighbors, but our neighborhood is at the end of a pedestrian river trail, so lots of walkers and cyclists use it as a way to make their route a little longer. We get way more people on foot and bikes than in cars. :)  I don't believe the world is full of evil people just ready to kidnap, molest, and murder my children. However, I can't ignore the fact that those people DO exist, in greater number than most of us would like to think about. And my  job as their mother is to keep them safe, and to raise them into confident adults, and I can't do the 2nd part if I don't do the 1st part. It's a constant balancing act for me - safety vs the benefits they could gain from a risky situation. (I feel like they will play the same in the yard whether I am there or not - I usually read, or do lesson plans, or work on sewing.)

Quoting Bleacher-mom:

If my kids are playing outside, I'm right there watching them like a hawk (which makes it hard because all the other moms are inside cleaning and cooking, while I'm outside watching my kids not getting a thing done in my own house).





kirbymom
by Sonja on Jul. 26, 2013 at 4:04 PM
1 mom liked this
I used to with my older kids. Now, with my younger kids, I know that I am justified. I know that when they can defend themselves without assistance, then I will let them go and wait for them to come back home. I also trust very rarely and almost never.
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