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Homeschooling Moms Homeschooling Moms

Kind of OT-MILs stuff about hsing vent

Posted by on Aug. 10, 2013 at 9:02 PM
  • 13 Replies
1 mom liked this
I am so frustrated and need to vent. My mil took dd (who is actually my sd, just to get that out there...I have been in her life longer than she remembers and her mother no longer sees or even talks to her, she calls me mom and I treat her like a daughter) for the day. She bought her a book I wasn't ready for her to have, and by the time I knew about it, dd had already read the first 5 chapters. I told DH about it and he knew about the book and was not happy. He had me take the book and put it away for now.

He then asked DD if she thought the book was appropriate, when she said she didn't know he asked if she would read it out loud to him. When she said no, she realized it wasn't really appropriate. Mil overheard this conversation and got on DH about our parenting and how we think we are "high and mighty" parents bc we are homeschooling, she went on to tell him that my SOLE reasons for doing this are about my DS, who is academically advanced and not getting what he needs from school. I am sooooo angry about this. I made it VERY clear that that was part of it, but a bigger part was DD getting lost in the shuffle and falling behind. And also, DD is the one that has been ASKING to be hs'ed for at least a year now! She told DH that the only reason I'm doing it is so DS can do algebra. I explained and outlined A BUNCH of reasons why we are choosing to HS. I am positive I talked more about DD than about DS, thinking that the emphasis for mil should be on her grandchild (although we don't view the kids differently, mil obviously still does). She told DH I degrade DD every day and shouldn't be left to educate her!!

Her "respectfully disagreeing" from my last post about this is a far cry from this bs. I am offended and hurt. I am angry. And I am so frustrated that she is now putting this strain on my DH. He works more than anyone else in this house and puts up with a lot. Hsing was my idea, and it is agreed that it is mostly my responsibility while he is supportive of all of it.

I feel like no matter what, mil will never approve of me as DDs mom. She thinks DH never should have gotten custody and that kids belong with their mothers. It bothers me a lot that she cannot admit that obviously DDs mother was not cut out to be her mom and that maybe she should appreciate that her granddaughter has a mom instead of finding reasons to disapprove of me.

I need to find a way for us to get approved for a mortgage and get the heck out of here.

End of my vent, thank you for letting me get it out..
by on Aug. 10, 2013 at 9:02 PM
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Replies (1-10):
usmom3
by BJ on Aug. 10, 2013 at 9:59 PM
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 If I where you I would have told her all of that you wrote about & how she is with a Mother that wants her & loves her & that her undermining you is only hurting her relationship with all of you!

debramommyof4
by Silver Member on Aug. 10, 2013 at 10:45 PM
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 Your DD, I refuse to call her step because I have a Mom and a biological egg donor, is lucky to have you.  Your MIL needs to get over herself and understand that you love your DD.  Your DD will understand this and not put up with it later.  If she is anything like me, when she is old enough to truly understand, she will be greatful and love you more.

hwblyf
by Silver Member on Aug. 10, 2013 at 11:19 PM
1 mom liked this

I am so sorry your mil is being a butt.  Hugs.

KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Aug. 11, 2013 at 3:03 PM

I was starting to give you advice as I read the line about your needing to get approved for a mortgage and move out....  I am assuming you are living with them then.

You need to just suck it up and bear it then, because with her living RIGHT there, she is going to see and hear everything you do and put her two cents in whenever she feels like it.

Otherwise, once you move, just have your DH address that.   I suggest he address her negative feelings toward you specifically and not try to address all of her comments.    I would have him cut to the chase and say, "Mom, why do you feel such and such about my wife?  I disagree with your assessment of her, and I really think that you need to consider if you want to keep insulting her because all that will do is result in our feeling alienated from you and not seeing you very much."

Something on that lines.   Ignore the actual crap she throws up in his face, and stop giving her information about your lives.   Keep your answers to her upbeat, simple, and harmless.


TJandKarasMom
by Debbie on Aug. 11, 2013 at 4:01 PM
We do live with her.

Thank you for this advice. DH wants me to talk to her about it again and tell her, again, our reasons for hsing. I feel like I already explained many reasons and thought I was pretty thorough and answered any questions she had, so I don't think I need to do it again.

He also asked this morning what I think about the book thing and giving it back to dd. I said I feel like that lets dd see that we don't follow through, especially if grandma disapproves. And that it doesn't let grandma know we were serious about our feelings about the book. I feel like "the damage has been done" so to say and that giving the book back will not change what transpired last night. Maybe I should have never mentioned it to DH and just talked with dd aout it myself, then this wouldn't have turned into a big thing that it really doesn't need to be.

I will continue to answer her questions, keeping the answers upbeat and simple, I think that's perfect. I just feel like there is tension here that doesn't need to be and I'm not sure what to do. Her and I don't talk a lot anyway, I think we just aren't each others "friend type" or whatever, so we do talk but not like friends. And since last night she hasn't said a word to me, but she did take a bunch of our stuff and put it in a pile as she was "cleaning" (something she never does...). I think it will blow over and we will hopefully be approved for a mortgage and move out of here soon. This isn't the first time she has stepped up and said something and I'm sure it won't be the last, it will just be easier to handle when we don't have to live with her.


Quoting KrissyKC:

I was starting to give you advice as I read the line about your needing to get approved for a mortgage and move out....  I am assuming you are living with them then.

You need to just suck it up and bear it then, because with her living RIGHT there, she is going to see and hear everything you do and put her two cents in whenever she feels like it.

Otherwise, once you move, just have your DH address that.   I suggest he address her negative feelings toward you specifically and not try to address all of her comments.    I would have him cut to the chase and say, "Mom, why do you feel such and such about my wife?  I disagree with your assessment of her, and I really think that you need to consider if you want to keep insulting her because all that will do is result in our feeling alienated from you and not seeing you very much."

Something on that lines.   Ignore the actual crap she throws up in his face, and stop giving her information about your lives.   Keep your answers to her upbeat, simple, and harmless.



KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Aug. 11, 2013 at 8:32 PM

Even if you live with her, you still need to parent the way that you feel led (or God leads you) to.    Now, you cannot change her disagreeing with you.  Nor can you convince people to hold their tongue if they don't choose to.

Since you are living with her, you might just have to put up with her well-voiced opinions.   However, you two shouldn't allow her opinions and nagging to change your parenting decisions.

That is a terrific rule about the books.   If she wouldn't feel comfortable reading it a loud to Dad or Grandpa, then she shouldn't be reading it.   That's actually a terrific rule for us all to live by, regardless of age.  Reiterate the concept that your husband laid down and tell him how much you respected his parenting decisions and encourage him to keep them despite his mother feeling differently.

You two have to lift each other up at all times... if his mother is complaining about you to him, he needs to cut her off.   He needs to tell her that if she has a direct problem, please come to him... but that you guys have decided to homeschool and you don't need to explain your parenting choices to her.


Quoting TJandKarasMom:

We do live with her.

Thank you for this advice. DH wants me to talk to her about it again and tell her, again, our reasons for hsing. I feel like I already explained many reasons and thought I was pretty thorough and answered any questions she had, so I don't think I need to do it again.

He also asked this morning what I think about the book thing and giving it back to dd. I said I feel like that lets dd see that we don't follow through, especially if grandma disapproves. And that it doesn't let grandma know we were serious about our feelings about the book. I feel like "the damage has been done" so to say and that giving the book back will not change what transpired last night. Maybe I should have never mentioned it to DH and just talked with dd aout it myself, then this wouldn't have turned into a big thing that it really doesn't need to be.

I will continue to answer her questions, keeping the answers upbeat and simple, I think that's perfect. I just feel like there is tension here that doesn't need to be and I'm not sure what to do. Her and I don't talk a lot anyway, I think we just aren't each others "friend type" or whatever, so we do talk but not like friends. And since last night she hasn't said a word to me, but she did take a bunch of our stuff and put it in a pile as she was "cleaning" (something she never does...). I think it will blow over and we will hopefully be approved for a mortgage and move out of here soon. This isn't the first time she has stepped up and said something and I'm sure it won't be the last, it will just be easier to handle when we don't have to live with her.


Quoting KrissyKC:

I was starting to give you advice as I read the line about your needing to get approved for a mortgage and move out....  I am assuming you are living with them then.

You need to just suck it up and bear it then, because with her living RIGHT there, she is going to see and hear everything you do and put her two cents in whenever she feels like it.

Otherwise, once you move, just have your DH address that.   I suggest he address her negative feelings toward you specifically and not try to address all of her comments.    I would have him cut to the chase and say, "Mom, why do you feel such and such about my wife?  I disagree with your assessment of her, and I really think that you need to consider if you want to keep insulting her because all that will do is result in our feeling alienated from you and not seeing you very much."

Something on that lines.   Ignore the actual crap she throws up in his face, and stop giving her information about your lives.   Keep your answers to her upbeat, simple, and harmless.





mem82
by Platinum Member on Aug. 11, 2013 at 8:42 PM

im sorry

mem82
by Platinum Member on Aug. 11, 2013 at 8:44 PM

What book was it? Just curious? LOL We are careful with what books our kids get, also.

TJandKarasMom
by Debbie on Aug. 11, 2013 at 8:49 PM

Thank you so much for this.  I needed to reminder, and to be reassured.

I did tell him that I loved the rule of thumb-if you won't read it out loud to dad then it's not appropriate.  I can't say I would want to read that book out loud to my dad, but I certainly wouldn't be beyond embarrassed by it like DD was at just the thought of it!  I often think of my DH or God when making decisions or saying certain things, and if I wouldn't want DH to know about it for any reason-then I don't do it. 

I also explained why I felt we shouldn't go back on what we said now, it's like giving in to the toddler's tantrum over candy-if you give in they keep doing it.  So if we give the book back, then DD thinks our original opinions about it were not valid, and MIL thinks she can do whatever she wants.  She once compared taking DD to a strip club to DH taking his adult brother to the shooting range.  Much different things in our book.

Thank you for reminding me that we need to lift each other up.  I will continue to do that for him, he definitely needs it when he feels stuck in the middle like this.


Quoting KrissyKC:

Even if you live with her, you still need to parent the way that you feel led (or God leads you) to.    Now, you cannot change her disagreeing with you.  Nor can you convince people to hold their tongue if they don't choose to.

Since you are living with her, you might just have to put up with her well-voiced opinions.   However, you two shouldn't allow her opinions and nagging to change your parenting decisions.

That is a terrific rule about the books.   If she wouldn't feel comfortable reading it a loud to Dad or Grandpa, then she shouldn't be reading it.   That's actually a terrific rule for us all to live by, regardless of age.  Reiterate the concept that your husband laid down and tell him how much you respected his parenting decisions and encourage him to keep them despite his mother feeling differently.

You two have to lift each other up at all times... if his mother is complaining about you to him, he needs to cut her off.   He needs to tell her that if she has a direct problem, please come to him... but that you guys have decided to homeschool and you don't need to explain your parenting choices to her.


Quoting TJandKarasMom:

We do live with her.

Thank you for this advice. DH wants me to talk to her about it again and tell her, again, our reasons for hsing. I feel like I already explained many reasons and thought I was pretty thorough and answered any questions she had, so I don't think I need to do it again.

He also asked this morning what I think about the book thing and giving it back to dd. I said I feel like that lets dd see that we don't follow through, especially if grandma disapproves. And that it doesn't let grandma know we were serious about our feelings about the book. I feel like "the damage has been done" so to say and that giving the book back will not change what transpired last night. Maybe I should have never mentioned it to DH and just talked with dd aout it myself, then this wouldn't have turned into a big thing that it really doesn't need to be.

I will continue to answer her questions, keeping the answers upbeat and simple, I think that's perfect. I just feel like there is tension here that doesn't need to be and I'm not sure what to do. Her and I don't talk a lot anyway, I think we just aren't each others "friend type" or whatever, so we do talk but not like friends. And since last night she hasn't said a word to me, but she did take a bunch of our stuff and put it in a pile as she was "cleaning" (something she never does...). I think it will blow over and we will hopefully be approved for a mortgage and move out of here soon. This isn't the first time she has stepped up and said something and I'm sure it won't be the last, it will just be easier to handle when we don't have to live with her.


Quoting KrissyKC:

I was starting to give you advice as I read the line about your needing to get approved for a mortgage and move out....  I am assuming you are living with them then.

You need to just suck it up and bear it then, because with her living RIGHT there, she is going to see and hear everything you do and put her two cents in whenever she feels like it.

Otherwise, once you move, just have your DH address that.   I suggest he address her negative feelings toward you specifically and not try to address all of her comments.    I would have him cut to the chase and say, "Mom, why do you feel such and such about my wife?  I disagree with your assessment of her, and I really think that you need to consider if you want to keep insulting her because all that will do is result in our feeling alienated from you and not seeing you very much."

Something on that lines.   Ignore the actual crap she throws up in his face, and stop giving her information about your lives.   Keep your answers to her upbeat, simple, and harmless.







TJandKarasMom
by Debbie on Aug. 11, 2013 at 8:54 PM

lol, I should've said it, I was trying to keep the post shorter, lol that didn't work.

It was "Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret"

I had already bought the book when we were at the Goodwill one day last year, thinking the time would come before I knew it!  I thought I wanted her to read it, so I bought it for a dollar and brought it home.  She was 9, I started rereading it and was glad I did.  I decided 9 was much to young (although I'm pretty sure I was 8 or 9 when I read it the first time...I read it again at 12 with much better results for myself) and that I would hold onto it for a bit.  I was thinking maybe 11, but the girls in the book are 12 and in 6th grade, so I think it's best for her to wait until closer to that age.  I think there is a big difference between 10 and 12.  And maybe she was exposed to some of the stuff in PS, but I'd rather not encourage or increase that exposure.  We've had enough issues with worrying about boys and worrying about being fat.


Quoting mem82:

What book was it? Just curious? LOL We are careful with what books our kids get, also.



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