Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Homeschooling Moms Homeschooling Moms

I just feel like giving up... Update

Posted by on Aug. 19, 2013 at 11:25 AM
  • 59 Replies
1 mom liked this

First, thank you ladies for all of your awesome advice! You gave me a lot to think about. So last night I had a long talk with my husband and daughter. I told my dd all of my concerns and she voiced hers then we came to an agreement. She will take Melitonin every night at 10, no T.V. or tablet past 10:30. Then take St. Johns wort every morning. She is to be at school on time and maintain at least a C average. I'm giving it some time because she is VERY against staying home. My dh agreed that if I forced the issue she would resent me, sulk, not learn and life would be hell for everyone here. If she behavior doesn't improve over this next month or so (the meds take that long to kick in) we're going to set up an appointment with a therapist.

I'm having some issues with my 13 (almost 14)yo dd.

She attended public school from Kinder to 7th grade. I pulled her out in the middle of 7th grade because her grades were terrible and I knew nothing of what was going on. I had no idea what homework she had or when, no communication with teachers, ect. I brought her brother home a month before so I felt confident about my choice.

Sadly I didn't traditionally HS. I went through the district which was terrible then I enrolled her in a charter school where she did packets at home and tested twice a week. She HATED it! She refused to do her work on time and when she did it was half ass and mostly wrong. She was depressed, slept all day, moody, ect. It got to the point that I agreed to put her back in PS if it made her happy.

She ended up repeating 7th grade with terrible grades again, late all the time and she missed so many days because she "didn't feel good" but she said she was happier because she got to see her friends at school and be normal. Now she's in 8th grade, hasn't brought homework home yet, staying up at all hours and being late again. I just don't know what to do...

by on Aug. 19, 2013 at 11:25 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
paganbaby
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2013 at 11:29 AM

A part of my feels like she's old enough to take responsibility of her education. If she fails then she fails. But I don't want to be dragged down with her because she's constantly late.

On the other hand I'm her mom. I want her to have the best chances in life and that means a good education. But I know if I take her home she'll just resent me and be miserable.

I don't want to have to enforce a bed time and force her to get up in the morning. It's bad enough I have to time her and threaten her way through chores.

I just feel like giving up...

SusanTheWriter
by on Aug. 19, 2013 at 11:35 AM
5 moms liked this

This is a really tough age, and speaking from experience, if you don't get ahead of her issues soon, this could turn into full-blown depression.

Having been there and done that, I'd pull her, give her time to deschool and decompress, find a therapist to deal with whatever underlying issues she's struggling with (because she's clearly struggling), and work out a plan WITH her to help her through her educational experience.

paganbaby
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2013 at 11:38 AM

Depression runs strong in our family.

That's good advice. I guess I was just hoping that this whole thing would blow over. If I put her back in school she would be happy. But it just seems to be getting worse. She's gaining more weight too and I know that's affecting her.

Quoting SusanTheWriter:

This is a really tough age, and speaking from experience, if you don't get ahead of her issues soon, this could turn into full-blown depression.

Having been there and done that, I'd pull her, give her time to deschool and decompress, find a therapist to deal with whatever underlying issues she's struggling with (because she's clearly struggling), and work out a plan WITH her to help her through her educational experience.


Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Breastfeeding tickers

oredeb
by on Aug. 19, 2013 at 11:53 AM
2 moms liked this

 pagan, you are her mom, shes only in 8th grade and needs guidence, what ever your rules are should be what she follows, shes not old enough or mature enough to be on her own yet , making those kinda decisions(as you can tell), are you giving her consequences if shes late for school, not bringing homework home etc?  in contact with her teachers? if she getting depressed what about taking her to a doctor? sometimes i wonder if its the diet our kids eat! or if they are lacking any vital vitamins, maybe you need to enforce bedtime, etc, and use it as a way to help her learn  she needs to do this before she can get this?(stay up later, free time, etc) i agee with susan, you need to nip it in the bud now, are you keeping the compunication lines open with her? talking to her all the time? asking her whats wrong, how school is, what shes thinking? spending time with her, (these are things we did with our kids, it helped so much just to keep them talking with us, spend time with the kids.

just a thought, could she be jealous of the time you are spending with your son?

paganbaby
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2013 at 12:25 PM

I know, you're right. I'm giving her extra chores. She's already grounded for not calling me when she got to school, not turning on her phone when she left and getting an attitude and screaming at me. I haven't talked to her teachers yet, I don't even know who they are...

No I haven't taken her to the doctor for that yet but I will now. A talk with a therapist couldn't hurt. I've tried enforcing a bedtime but she just stays up late in her room on her Kindle. I've taken that away too but then she'll watch t.v or take the laptop after I've gone to bed.

We do talk a lot. But I'm worried she keeps things from me. And the things she does tell me, I don't want to punish her for because then she'll really shut down and not talk to me :-( She says school's fine. The teachers pick on her but she gets along with her friends.

I would consider that but she's INSISTENT on not staying home and homeschooling with me.

Quoting oredeb:

 pagan, you are her mom, shes only in 8th grade and needs guidence, what ever your rules are should be what she follows, shes not old enough or mature enough to be on her own yet , making those kinda decisions(as you can tell), are you giving her consequences if shes late for school, not bringing homework home etc?  in contact with her teachers? if she getting depressed what about taking her to a doctor? sometimes i wonder if its the diet our kids eat! or if they are lacking any vital vitamins, maybe you need to enforce bedtime, etc, and use it as a way to help her learn  she needs to do this before she can get this?(stay up later, free time, etc) i agee with susan, you need to nip it in the bud now, are you keeping the compunication lines open with her? talking to her all the time? asking her whats wrong, how school is, what shes thinking? spending time with her, (these are things we did with our kids, it helped so much just to keep them talking with us, spend time with the kids.

just a thought, could she be jealous of the time you are spending with your son?


Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Breastfeeding tickers

SusanTheWriter
by on Aug. 19, 2013 at 12:35 PM
2 moms liked this

That insistence, coupled with her declining performance and bad attitude, is sending up red flags for me. Something is going on. And honestly, in the end, she's the child and you're the adult. There are decisions that you make unilaterally for the good of the child whether they like it or not.

The sleep thing is a funny issue. Study after study suggests that a teen's clock is fundamentally changed during puberty. They require a ton of sleep, but they're suddenly up until all hours, unable to sleep at what used to be a "normal" time. I had to come to a compromise on this one.

DH thinks she should be up and rolling at 6:30. For one thing, *I'm* barely awake at that hour, and I know from long experience that getting her up that early doesn't mean she's productive any sooner. She still doesn't kick into gear until 8:30 or 9am, no matter what time she gets up. And she's frequently awake at 2 am, either reading, or laying on the lawn outside, stargazing.

She is NOT allowed to have a computer in her room at night (take it to bed with you, if she's sneaking it while you're asleep) and she doesn't have a TV in her room to keep her awake. She does have a Nook, but its the simple kind, not a tablet.

But back to the original issue, if she's not telling you what's up when something clearly IS up, then you just may have to do what's best for her, whether she agrees or not. And really, if you put it to her like that - that her behaviour will ultimately make the decision for her - it may be enough for her to snap out of it and shape up. Maybe.

Quoting paganbaby:

I know, you're right. I'm giving her extra chores. She's already grounded for not calling me when she got to school, not turning on her phone when she left and getting an attitude and screaming at me. I haven't talked to her teachers yet, I don't even know who they are...

No I haven't taken her to the doctor for that yet but I will now. A talk with a therapist couldn't hurt. I've tried enforcing a bedtime but she just stays up late in her room on her Kindle. I've taken that away too but then she'll watch t.v or take the laptop after I've gone to bed.

We do talk a lot. But I'm worried she keeps things from me. And the things she does tell me, I don't want to punish her for because then she'll really shut down and not talk to me :-( She says school's fine. The teachers pick on her but she gets along with her friends.

I would consider that but she's INSISTENT on not staying home and homeschooling with me.

Quoting oredeb:

 pagan, you are her mom, shes only in 8th grade and needs guidence, what ever your rules are should be what she follows, shes not old enough or mature enough to be on her own yet , making those kinda decisions(as you can tell), are you giving her consequences if shes late for school, not bringing homework home etc?  in contact with her teachers? if she getting depressed what about taking her to a doctor? sometimes i wonder if its the diet our kids eat! or if they are lacking any vital vitamins, maybe you need to enforce bedtime, etc, and use it as a way to help her learn  she needs to do this before she can get this?(stay up later, free time, etc) i agee with susan, you need to nip it in the bud now, are you keeping the compunication lines open with her? talking to her all the time? asking her whats wrong, how school is, what shes thinking? spending time with her, (these are things we did with our kids, it helped so much just to keep them talking with us, spend time with the kids.

just a thought, could she be jealous of the time you are spending with your son?



SusanTheWriter ~ Wife, Mom, Author

tairakittie
by Member on Aug. 19, 2013 at 12:44 PM
3 moms liked this
Therapy, no medication. Put her in some type of activity where she is around peers with a positive influence, as well as adults that will help instead of hinder her. Let her be on a stay up til 2 am, wake up at 10am-noon and try to provide a diet full of fresh fruit and veggies and be lax about her schooling. Offer her educational oppertunities, find homeschooling groups and coops in your area, anything hands on and fun! Good luck! Try a 4H club or something as well, any hobbie she may be into!
redhead-bedhead
by Bronze Member on Aug. 19, 2013 at 12:48 PM
2 moms liked this

*hugs*

paganbaby
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2013 at 12:55 PM
1 mom liked this

Everything you say makes sense. I'm going to have a long talk with her today. I'm going to lay out my expectations for her and let her know if she can't meet them then I will take matters into my own hands. The only reason I let her back into school was because she begged me and promised she would do better. That's not happening and honestly I'm sooo worried about her. Also I'm also going to look into a therapist for her. If she won't talk to me maybe she'll talk to someone else.

Quoting SusanTheWriter:

That insistence, coupled with her declining performance and bad attitude, is sending up red flags for me. Something is going on. And honestly, in the end, she's the child and you're the adult. There are decisions that you make unilaterally for the good of the child whether they like it or not.

The sleep thing is a funny issue. Study after study suggests that a teen's clock is fundamentally changed during puberty. They require a ton of sleep, but they're suddenly up until all hours, unable to sleep at what used to be a "normal" time. I had to come to a compromise on this one.

DH thinks she should be up and rolling at 6:30. For one thing, *I'm* barely awake at that hour, and I know from long experience that getting her up that early doesn't mean she's productive any sooner. She still doesn't kick into gear until 8:30 or 9am, no matter what time she gets up. And she's frequently awake at 2 am, either reading, or laying on the lawn outside, stargazing.

She is NOT allowed to have a computer in her room at night (take it to bed with you, if she's sneaking it while you're asleep) and she doesn't have a TV in her room to keep her awake. She does have a Nook, but its the simple kind, not a tablet.

But back to the original issue, if she's not telling you what's up when something clearly IS up, then you just may have to do what's best for her, whether she agrees or not. And really, if you put it to her like that - that her behaviour will ultimately make the decision for her - it may be enough for her to snap out of it and shape up. Maybe.

Quoting paganbaby:

I know, you're right. I'm giving her extra chores. She's already grounded for not calling me when she got to school, not turning on her phone when she left and getting an attitude and screaming at me. I haven't talked to her teachers yet, I don't even know who they are...

No I haven't taken her to the doctor for that yet but I will now. A talk with a therapist couldn't hurt. I've tried enforcing a bedtime but she just stays up late in her room on her Kindle. I've taken that away too but then she'll watch t.v or take the laptop after I've gone to bed.

We do talk a lot. But I'm worried she keeps things from me. And the things she does tell me, I don't want to punish her for because then she'll really shut down and not talk to me :-( She says school's fine. The teachers pick on her but she gets along with her friends.

I would consider that but she's INSISTENT on not staying home and homeschooling with me.

Quoting oredeb:

 pagan, you are her mom, shes only in 8th grade and needs guidence, what ever your rules are should be what she follows, shes not old enough or mature enough to be on her own yet , making those kinda decisions(as you can tell), are you giving her consequences if shes late for school, not bringing homework home etc?  in contact with her teachers? if she getting depressed what about taking her to a doctor? sometimes i wonder if its the diet our kids eat! or if they are lacking any vital vitamins, maybe you need to enforce bedtime, etc, and use it as a way to help her learn  she needs to do this before she can get this?(stay up later, free time, etc) i agee with susan, you need to nip it in the bud now, are you keeping the compunication lines open with her? talking to her all the time? asking her whats wrong, how school is, what shes thinking? spending time with her, (these are things we did with our kids, it helped so much just to keep them talking with us, spend time with the kids.

just a thought, could she be jealous of the time you are spending with your son?




Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Breastfeeding tickers

paganbaby
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2013 at 12:58 PM
1 mom liked this

That sounds like a good idea :-)

She does have a church she goes to that I love and I'm going shopping today so I can get more fruits and veggies while I'm there. I would love to homeschool her but I'm afraid I'll make things worse if I do :-( You make it sound so appealing though! lol

Quoting tairakittie:

Therapy, no medication. Put her in some type of activity where she is around peers with a positive influence, as well as adults that will help instead of hinder her. Let her be on a stay up til 2 am, wake up at 10am-noon and try to provide a diet full of fresh fruit and veggies and be lax about her schooling. Offer her educational oppertunities, find homeschooling groups and coops in your area, anything hands on and fun! Good luck! Try a 4H club or something as well, any hobbie she may be into!


Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Breastfeeding tickers

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN