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Homeschooling Moms Homeschooling Moms

off topic, but maybe not...

Posted by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 7:23 PM
  • 20 Replies

Ok, so we talk about homeschooling being life long.   We start educating them from the moment they utter their first cry... maybe even in the womb.

So, with that being the case, then potty training problems are not really off topic for homeschooling right?

Anyway, My son... he woke up one day, asked for underwear and I put them on him.   He had MAYBE 2-3 accidents over a 3 week period and was viola, trained.   Both poop and pee.   He was just over two years old.

He is my second of four.   I have another boy, but he's just turned 1 and not there yet.

I can't tell if it's my fault, or what, but my girls give me YEARS worth of potty accidents... not just pee... no... and not just accidents... and they won't come get help to get cleaned up.   They just let themselves sit and steep in it, no matter how disgusting it is!

I'm at the end of my rope dealing having dealt with it with my now 11 yr old for about a decade... my 5 yr old was trained for over a year, then she started using it to "get even" with her Dad and I whenever she was angry with us or in discipline.   We would just let her clean up her mess and sit back in time out again...

Then, she started doing it all the time... we are talking about 70% of the time, she has an "accident"...   I make her go sit on the potty regularly.. I've had her evaluated... we've checked into everything medical...  Doc just says let her grow out of it.

Will she be almost 10 like her sister was when we finally got it broke????   

I'm trying to be a good mother and not get so tired of cleaning up crap (like I had to today)... but she made the biggest mess she ever made today... pooped her pants TWICE... and kept playing in it.   I was busy with other moms at a homeschool event and I could SEE her, but wasn't close enough to smell her.

Anyway, she had it smeared down both legs, up her back... all over her skirt and leggins, all over her shirt.   I had to wash her clothes out by hand and clean the bathroom of the Christian Library we were at....   I had to throw away her panties, etc...   It was dried to her legs, she had peed on top of it once or twice... and we weren't there more than an hour and a half before I discovered it.   I disinfected their entire bathroom from the stall she smeared poop ALL over to the floor where she peed herself trying to pull down poopy pants...

I so want to understand and help her through this, but I'm really REALLY wore out and tired.   If I take my attention off her for 30 minutes, she does this.

Help me...  I really don't know if I can raise this kid.   She needs some one better at this than I am.





by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 7:23 PM
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Replies (1-10):
irvinehiker
by Andrea on Aug. 26, 2013 at 7:45 PM

I really appreciate your honesty and courage to bring this topic up!  I truly do!  My kids were the complete opposite.  I barely remember training my girl.  I maybe spent a week on it and we were done.  She was totally night and day(pee and poop)  trained by 2 and a half.  My son..... I don't even want to talk about that!  I am still in this battle with my son.  He does pee fine with no problems.  Not the other.   He has autism and with that comes a lot of sensory and anxiety issues.  I have no advice for you,  I'm in the middle of it too.  The only thing I've learned is to let your emotions/ frustration be known....that just adds to the problem. 

irvinehiker
by Andrea on Aug. 26, 2013 at 7:50 PM

Ok, I just finished reading the rest of your post.  I have this bad habit of just jumping in with a response before I finish reading.....gotta stop that! 

There is NO one better than YOU at raising THIS child.  I know it feels like that some days but its not the truth.  This is no mistake that she is YOUR child.  I'm challenged every day by my sweet boy, but I know he's mine for a reason. 

KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 8:02 PM

I want her to know that she is soooo loved... no matter what... but I'm always having to say, "Mommy loves you very much, but that is just NOT acceptable..." and having to send her away AGAIN because it's the only discipline that bothers her in the long run.

And then there are times I'm only human and I get so frustrated that I don't react well either.  

I just want to change things for her... I don't want her to be "that" child that I get approached about at church questioning her behavior...  I want her teachers to look forward to seeing her....  God bless these ladies, I know how difficult the child is, so I'm not blaming them and none of them are mean to her... but I know that when she walks in the room, they hold their breath!!!   LOL!

I guess we all want our kids to have terrific experiences, and Abby just creates such explosions of negativity around her.   It's hard to remain positive dealing with her.


Quoting irvinehiker:

Ok, I just finished reading the rest of your post.  I have this bad habit of just jumping with a response before I finish reading.....gotta stop that! 

There is NO one better than YOU at raising THIS child.  I know it feels like that some days but its not the truth.  This is no mistake that she is YOUR child.  I'm challenged every day by my sweet boy, but I know he's mine for a reason. 



snowangel1979
by Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 8:15 PM
IDK. Maybe try a natural punishments.

If she poops and pees all over herself, the natural punishment would be she cleans it. If it takes her an hour or two of cleaning herself up and the bathroom or whatever room, so be it. She needs to be the one scrubbing and washing her poopy clothing.

If she can't handle going somewhere and not pooping her pants like that, then she stays home, maybe with a babysitter or explain to her and the other children we can not go to such and such place because DD can't handle herself.
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irvinehiker
by Andrea on Aug. 26, 2013 at 8:16 PM

Yep, I am right there with my son.  My son has a helper that works one on one with him at church.  Most weeks I get the feeling that the helper is there because they feel they have to, not because their heart is truly in it. 

I would try to get the heart of the issue.  Behaviour is communication.  So why is she continuing to do this?  Is it just a develepmental issue?  If so discipline is not the answer. 

Your right, you are only human.  So when your behaviour gets the best of you, use that as a teaching tool with your kids.  Kids need to know we parents aren't perfect, but we try our best.:)

Don't worry about what other people think of you or your daughter.  You need to meet her needs, whatever they are.  Don't parent for others approval.

Quoting KrissyKC:

I want her to know that she is soooo loved... no matter what... but I'm always having to say, "Mommy loves you very much, but that is just NOT acceptable..." and having to send her away AGAIN because it's the only discipline that bothers her in the long run.

And then there are times I'm only human and I get so frustrated that I don't react well either.  

I just want to change things for her... I don't want her to be "that" child that I get approached about at church questioning her behavior...  I want her teachers to look forward to seeing her....  God bless these ladies, I know how difficult the child is, so I'm not blaming them and none of them are mean to her... but I know that when she walks in the room, they hold their breath!!!   LOL!

I guess we all want our kids to have terrific experiences, and Abby just creates such explosions of negativity around her.   It's hard to remain positive dealing with her.


Quoting irvinehiker:

Ok, I just finished reading the rest of your post.  I have this bad habit of just jumping with a response before I finish reading.....gotta stop that! 

There is NO one better than YOU at raising THIS child.  I know it feels like that some days but its not the truth.  This is no mistake that she is YOUR child.  I'm challenged every day by my sweet boy, but I know he's mine for a reason. 




TJandKarasMom
by Debbie on Aug. 26, 2013 at 8:20 PM

I wish I had some advice, but I think you have done and are doing everything you possibly can.  It sounds like some of it is for attention, since you said you can't take your eye off her for more than 30 min.  How about a night?  Is she trained overnight? 

And really, Andrea is so right, no one is better for Abby than you are.  You are doing the best you can.  I guess the only thing I can really think of is to make her clean it up completely on her own.  Put her in the bathroom with wipes and clean clothes and a bag to put her yucky clothes in.  And just make her do it all herself.  Don't say anything, don't help her.  I know part of that sounds mean, but I think even just helping her-she is getting the attention she wanted.  And if she makes a bigger mess, then she gets more wipes to clean that up on her own.  Even if it takes an hour-maybe that will work eventually.  And I guess on the other hand, any time she goes longer without an 'accident' (purposeful or not) or if you see her going to the potty on her own, give her lots and lots of praise! 

Oh, easier said than done often times, I know.  But that's really all I've got, I'm sorry I don't have more/better advice!

QueenCreole313
by Julia on Aug. 26, 2013 at 8:25 PM
I would talk to a doctor to rule out a medical reason. Then go from there. Sorry. That's all I have so far.
TJandKarasMom
by Debbie on Aug. 26, 2013 at 8:26 PM
1 mom liked this

Another thing Andrea said reminded me...in my training and education for the work I do, we focus a lot on the ABC's of behavior (Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence).  Repeated behaviors are continued because of the consequence.  When we deal with a negative behavior, we first try to assess WHY the child is doing it, what is the consequence they are getting and what is it they want...more often than not it is attention.  Whether it's someone saying "no" or someone helping clean up the poop, or someone laughing, or whatever..it's attention that they want-in any form.  So we have to change the consequence to change the behavior.  And the best way is to ignore the behavior completely.  Then they do not get the consequence they want and they stop the behavior. 

So I really think the best thing is to hand her the wipes and clean clothes, and make her do it entirely on her own.  Cleaning everything she gets poop/pee on.  And don't give her any attention while she is cleaning.  Since you have had her checked out and there is absolutely nothing medical or anything, then I really think it's attention she wants.  And it's attention she gets when you help her clean it up-even if you are frustrated, negative attention is still attention.

irvinehiker
by Andrea on Aug. 26, 2013 at 8:34 PM
1 mom liked this

I totally agree with this.  You've gotten into a cycle and in order to stop it something has to change.  NO attention, NO emotion....NONE. I know its darn near impossible but just try it.  I would try to connect with her in a positive way one on one in a completely seperate scenario.  Take 10 minutes and go blow bubbles in the back yard with just her, or whatever it is she likes.  Give her as much positive attention as you can.  Find her doing good things. 

Quoting TJandKarasMom:

Another thing Andrea said reminded me...in my training and education for the work I do, we focus a lot on the ABC's of behavior (Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence).  Repeated behaviors are continued because of the consequence.  When we deal with a negative behavior, we first try to assess WHY the child is doing it, what is the consequence they are getting and what is it they want...more often than not it is attention.  Whether it's someone saying "no" or someone helping clean up the poop, or someone laughing, or whatever..it's attention that they want-in any form.  So we have to change the consequence to change the behavior.  And the best way is to ignore the behavior completely.  Then they do not get the consequence they want and they stop the behavior. 

So I really think the best thing is to hand her the wipes and clean clothes, and make her do it entirely on her own.  Cleaning everything she gets poop/pee on.  And don't give her any attention while she is cleaning.  Since you have had her checked out and there is absolutely nothing medical or anything, then I really think it's attention she wants.  And it's attention she gets when you help her clean it up-even if you are frustrated, negative attention is still attention.


usmom3
by BJ on Aug. 26, 2013 at 8:38 PM

 I sympathies with you! Both of my boys had problems potty training. My oldest (who is almost 20 now) didn't fully until he was almost 5 & my youngest (who is 8 now) didn't until he was 6 1/2. My daughter (who is 10 now) on the other hand potty trained herself at the age of 26mo.

Because my boys have had such a hard time with it I have done tons of research on the subject, my boys are both on the Autism Spectrum so I wanted to know what was normal for normal children. You know what I found was learning how to use the toilet can take a normal child a very long time to get, so a special needs child taking a long time stopped being a big surprise for me. Some children have problems all the way up to the age of 10 & some even past that & really it all depends on the child & the maturity of their bodies & their brains.

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