Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

PIOG: Probs with neighbor, kids getting punnished... (long, and more of a vent than anything)

Posted by   + Show Post

Neighbor has a 3 yr old.  He's getting better, but since we've moved in, he's been running away, getting lost, running in the street, etc... I never thought poorly of neighbor.   She is loving and kind toward all the kids, she's just a soft touch and a little spacey.

Anyway, my daughter is extremely hyper and difficult with actual schooling, however, she has never been outwardly disobedient and can be trusted to play outside by herself.   She always stayed far away from street and stayed where I allowed her to go.    She needs more outside time than I can seem to give her with schooling them and having a 15 month old.     So, this worked for us.  I open all the doors and windows, check on her often, and we would get some stuff done while baby napped and she played with the sand table, sidewalk chalk, scooter (upper part of driveway away from road) etc...

Well, neighbor started wanting her to play over in their yard with 3 yr old because it actually helped her contain him and she could get some yardwork done while they played nearby.  Fine with me, I have been here over a year, and it's only 20 feet away from my front door.   They literally live RIGHT next door.

Ok, so a few weeks ago, I called for my daughter and she came running back from ACROSS THE STREET!!  After beginning to scold my DD, the neighbor came over and told me that she had told my daughter to disobey me even after my kid said she wasn't allowed that she told her that it was OK because she was with her and she would make sure she didn't get in trouble.   Anyway, I disciplined my daughter anyway and let the neighbor know (politely) that my child had to obey her parents first.

FFW, find her in the street racing bikes with the 3 yr old.   Come to find out that neighbor is "watching" them from the back of her garage sharing a blunt with the neighbor across the street... no bike helmets, and they couldn't see the road let alone the kids racing in the road.  (three and five remember)

OMG!!!

So anyway, now the kids are being punnished because the poor 3 yr old is always begging met to let my daughter play, and my 5 yr old stares out the window pitifully because she can't go play all the time.

GRRRR...  I'm irritated I made such an incorrect decision to begin this mess, and it makes me realize even more why I parent different than some other people. 


by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 12:39 PM
Replies (11-20):
hipmomto3
by Bronze Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 9:02 PM

I'm glad there won't be a third time. Who cares if her kid is bummed about not playing with your kid. You are responsible for YOUR kid, not hers.

I think it's tricky to punish a child for obeying the adult that was in charge of them. We teach our children to be respectful and obedient, and I think - on some level they understand this idea - that if we trust another adult enough to look after them, the child should be able to trust that adult too. It doesn't always work out, but I do not think your daughter was in the wrong for doing what the adult you left her with told her to do. 

usmom3
by BJ on Aug. 31, 2013 at 9:34 PM
I still think you are wrong for punashing her for listening to an adult if you have raised her to do what she is told to do by adults. You could have gotten that same message to her about fallowing your rules & not obeying another adult over you with a conversation.I also still think you should have reprimanded the women for making your child disobay you, whether you want to see it that way or not it is the fact! You can not expect a 5 y/o child to know the difference between an adult that has athorety over them & one that does not. Unless you told your daughter specificly not to listen to the women she is not going to know that the women is not in charge of her!





Quoting KrissyKC:

At no point was the other adult in actual charge of my daughter, they just invited her into their yard to play with her son.   They are literally my very next door neighbor, so it was only a matter of extending my daughter's boundaries to their driveway instead of the tree between our yards.  

She would come home and ask, "Mom can so-and-so's mom give me a popscicle."   or  "mom, they are playing in the hose, can I get wet?"    I was ALWAYS looking outside, checking on them, walked over there and visited with them while my older two were working on independent work... then I'd tell Abby when I left and ALWAYS repeat the rules on the boundaries... "don't even go NEAR the street, and don't pass (so and so's) driveway."

There was no QUESTION of my rules and expectations and that I was still watching my own kid.

I was torn about disciplining her the first time... especially after the neighbor took the blame.   However, if I let the neighbor take the blame and not discipline my Abby, then Abby learns that the neighbor is right... she kept her from getting in trouble when she disobeyed mom.  Not a lesson I want her believing.


Quoting usmom3:

 So you punished your daughter for listening to an adult you left in charge of her? Sounds to me like you should have reprimanded the women for making your child break your rules! Children are intimidated by adults, you yourself said she tried to stand up to the women but eventual caved because the women promised she would not get in trouble. You should have praised her for standing up to the women even though she gave in because at her age most kids would have just done what the adult told her to do. You can't have it both ways either you want her to do what adults tell her to do without question or you want her to stand her ground when told to do something she knows is wrong.




AutymsMommy
by Silver Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 9:36 PM

I'm entirely confused.

You're punishing your daughter because she obeyed the adult in charge? I must have missed something.

I am a Home Schooling, Vaccinating, Non spanking, Nightmare Cuddling, Dessert Giving, Bedtime Kissing, Book Reading, Stay at Home Mom. I believe in the benefit of organized after school activities and nosy, involved parents. I believe in spoiling my children. I believe that I have seen the village and I do not want it anywhere near my children. Now for the controversial stuff:  we're Catholic, we're conservative, and we own guns (now there's no need to ask, lol).             Aimee















AutymsMommy
by Silver Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 9:39 PM


It doesn't matter, really. It was the other adult's home and their property. As a young child, I would have assumed to obey THEM - different house, different rules. Your Abbey is a small child - she can't be held accountable for the idiot neighbor's actions.

That makes me sad :(

Quoting KrissyKC:

At no point was the other adult in actual charge of my daughter, they just invited her into their yard to play with her son.   They are literally my very next door neighbor, so it was only a matter of extending my daughter's boundaries to their driveway instead of the tree between our yards.  

She would come home and ask, "Mom can so-and-so's mom give me a popscicle."   or  "mom, they are playing in the hose, can I get wet?"    I was ALWAYS looking outside, checking on them, walked over there and visited with them while my older two were working on independent work... then I'd tell Abby when I left and ALWAYS repeat the rules on the boundaries... "don't even go NEAR the street, and don't pass (so and so's) driveway."

There was no QUESTION of my rules and expectations and that I was still watching my own kid.

I was torn about disciplining her the first time... especially after the neighbor took the blame.   However, if I let the neighbor take the blame and not discipline my Abby, then Abby learns that the neighbor is right... she kept her from getting in trouble when she disobeyed mom.  Not a lesson I want her believing.



Quoting usmom3:

 So you punished your daughter for listening to an adult you left in charge of her? Sounds to me like you should have reprimanded the women for making your child break your rules! Children are intimidated by adults, you yourself said she tried to stand up to the women but eventual caved because the women promised she would not get in trouble. You should have praised her for standing up to the women even though she gave in because at her age most kids would have just done what the adult told her to do. You can't have it both ways either you want her to do what adults tell her to do without question or you want her to stand her ground when told to do something she knows is wrong.





I am a Home Schooling, Vaccinating, Non spanking, Nightmare Cuddling, Dessert Giving, Bedtime Kissing, Book Reading, Stay at Home Mom. I believe in the benefit of organized after school activities and nosy, involved parents. I believe in spoiling my children. I believe that I have seen the village and I do not want it anywhere near my children. Now for the controversial stuff:  we're Catholic, we're conservative, and we own guns (now there's no need to ask, lol).             Aimee















Knightquester
by Bronze Member on Aug. 31, 2013 at 9:50 PM

Maybe try to do park days during the weeks the weather is permitting.  You can bring some of your daughters school work with you and have her work a page or two of work, then play at the local park with your toddler and call that her outing.

When she's outside I'd just have her and your almost year and a half year old out with you two playing in the yard with you there supervising because it sounds like the neighbors aren't a great influence to be around.  5 years old is still pretty young, I usually took my book out with a chair and sat with the kids when they were that young, or I'd play with all of the kids at once.  By the time I had a 5 year old I also had a 4, 3, and 1 year old, I would set boundaries when we went to the park or was even in our own yard on where the children could go, basically it was always in eyesight of where I was.

celticdragon77
by on Aug. 31, 2013 at 9:57 PM
1 mom liked this

I had a neighbor girl years ago that was friends with my oldest daughter. Her dad was always passed out on the sofa playing videos games and her mom was either working or sleeping. No one watched this kid, gave her baths, fed her... she roamed the streets... she was 5yrs old and was street wise beyond what she should have been allowed. 

I had the girl at my house a lot. Instead of my daughter THERE, I figured it was better (for BOTH) of them if they were with me. The girl ended up being like part of the family. Eventually, her parents really did a turn around. I don't know if it was just a slump they went through or what, but was very cool to see people change.

KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Sep. 1, 2013 at 2:28 AM

Yes, we go to the park often.   However, it's just not enough for Abby.. she's like that dog that stands at the door and pants to go outside all day long no matter how often you take her out.  LOL!   No, i'm not calling my kid a dog... it's just a scenario.   

It's probably my fault, because when she was littler, we lived in the country with a fenced in back yard.   I had a perfect set up to sit my desk up by the sliding glass door and just watch her while teaching the older kids.   She was outside for about 70-80% of her day.   I think I washed half a county's worth of dirt off her during her nightly baths.  I'd pop out every so often and play WITH her or engage her in stuff, but otherwise, she played and played hard by herself (and the dog!).

I try to homeschool outside, but the mosquito population here must be on steriods because I can spray one of those buggers with the can of off and it will look at me and laugh...    I literally was spraying my daughter down the other day and a mosquito was flying around trying to land on her in the midst of that toxic cloud.   I was gagging on it before the mosquito flew away.   Also, I wouldn't get anything accomplished because we'd be chasing the baby around all the time.   We used to LOVE to hs outside, but it's just not been successful since we moved here.    :* (

As for disciplining her, yes, I struggled REALLY hard.  But in the end, I chose to do so.   I didn't want her to learn that she could disobey me and get away with it because some one told her so... I don't want to raise a child that will obey adults if adults are going to get them hurt or in trouble.    

The second time, was more of a no-brainer.   I had actually come out and told her several times since then, "Miss So-and-so is not your Mom.  If you want permission for something, you have to come ask me or your Dad."
 


Quoting Knightquester:

Maybe try to do park days during the weeks the weather is permitting.  You can bring some of your daughters school work with you and have her work a page or two of work, then play at the local park with your toddler and call that her outing.

When she's outside I'd just have her and your almost year and a half year old out with you two playing in the yard with you there supervising because it sounds like the neighbors aren't a great influence to be around.  5 years old is still pretty young, I usually took my book out with a chair and sat with the kids when they were that young, or I'd play with all of the kids at once.  By the time I had a 5 year old I also had a 4, 3, and 1 year old, I would set boundaries when we went to the park or was even in our own yard on where the children could go, basically it was always in eyesight of where I was.



KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Sep. 1, 2013 at 2:33 AM

Awesome!!!   Yes, people can turn things around, and they can def go through a slump.   I'm not really MAD at this woman, I'm just irritated that I let this happen and that it doesn't really seem like a way to "win" in this situation.

I would really like to be able to get out more with Abby, and I mean just outside.   We are ALWAYS going places... field trips, parks, libraries, etc... plus regular stuff like choir, PE, etc...   We are a busy family, often on the go.

We take walks frequently.  The kids and I love to walk to the teacher supply store whenever I want something laminated or we are just bored.

It's just never enough for this one.   She's always pining to go outside.   She needs a mommy that likes to garden or something.
 


Quoting celticdragon77:

I had a neighbor girl years ago that was friends with my oldest daughter. Her dad was always passed out on the sofa playing videos games and her mom was either working or sleeping. No one watched this kid, gave her baths, fed her... she roamed the streets... she was 5yrs old and was street wise beyond what she should have been allowed. 

I had the girl at my house a lot. Instead of my daughter THERE, I figured it was better (for BOTH) of them if they were with me. The girl ended up being like part of the family. Eventually, her parents really did a turn around. I don't know if it was just a slump they went through or what, but was very cool to see people change.



Knightquester
by Bronze Member on Sep. 1, 2013 at 2:42 AM

I don't recall mentioning your disciplining her as being a problem.  I think each person raises their own children how best suits them, and I can probably relate to your form of thinking more than most given I would rather my children learn that they need to go by the commonsense and lessons I've taught them rather than what they think somebody they know who isn't in charge says or suggests.

It's hard to move to a more restrictive area, that's why I mentioned the park, but if you're already going there a lot then all that is left is maybe trying to set up some fun stuff inside that she might like just as much as outside.  Do you have an art area where she can paint, draw and color when she wants to?  I know a lot of children really like art and mine loved having an art area, especially when they were younger.

It sounds like you have older kids, not sure if I'm reading it wrong, so if you do is there a way that the older kids could take her for a walk (not that she's a dog), but kind of watch over her and play outside with her to ensure she is behaving when you cannot?  Do you have a fenced in backyard she can spend time in, and just let her know she's not to leave the backyard?

Hopefully things become easier where you guys live now, and your daughter finds a way to entertain herself without involving the neighbors, who don't sound like the best people to be around.

Quoting KrissyKC:

Yes, we go to the park often.   However, it's just not enough for Abby.. she's like that dog that stands at the door and pants to go outside all day long no matter how often you take her out.  LOL!   No, i'm not calling my kid a dog... it's just a scenario.   

It's probably my fault, because when she was littler, we lived in the country with a fenced in back yard.   I had a perfect set up to sit my desk up by the sliding glass door and just watch her while teaching the older kids.   She was outside for about 70-80% of her day.   I think I washed half a county's worth of dirt off her during her nightly baths.  I'd pop out every so often and play WITH her or engage her in stuff, but otherwise, she played and played hard by herself (and the dog!).

I try to homeschool outside, but the mosquito population here must be on steriods because I can spray one of those buggers with the can of off and it will look at me and laugh...    I literally was spraying my daughter down the other day and a mosquito was flying around trying to land on her in the midst of that toxic cloud.   I was gagging on it before the mosquito flew away.   Also, I wouldn't get anything accomplished because we'd be chasing the baby around all the time.   We used to LOVE to hs outside, but it's just not been successful since we moved here.    :* (

As for disciplining her, yes, I struggled REALLY hard.  But in the end, I chose to do so.   I didn't want her to learn that she could disobey me and get away with it because some one told her so... I don't want to raise a child that will obey adults if adults are going to get them hurt or in trouble.    

The second time, was more of a no-brainer.   I had actually come out and told her several times since then, "Miss So-and-so is not your Mom.  If you want permission for something, you have to come ask me or your Dad."
 

Quoting Knightquester:

Maybe try to do park days during the weeks the weather is permitting.  You can bring some of your daughters school work with you and have her work a page or two of work, then play at the local park with your toddler and call that her outing.

When she's outside I'd just have her and your almost year and a half year old out with you two playing in the yard with you there supervising because it sounds like the neighbors aren't a great influence to be around.  5 years old is still pretty young, I usually took my book out with a chair and sat with the kids when they were that young, or I'd play with all of the kids at once.  By the time I had a 5 year old I also had a 4, 3, and 1 year old, I would set boundaries when we went to the park or was even in our own yard on where the children could go, basically it was always in eyesight of where I was.

KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Sep. 1, 2013 at 3:14 AM

You are amazing, thank you.   I think I'm kinda replying to more than just you and picked up on stuff from other posts... sorry.

I appreciate the suggestions, and they are the same ones I would have handed out in my shoes.  So, yes, I've considered all of it, have a TON of indoor activities and arts and crafts, etc...  Letting the older kids be responsible for her just isn't happening yet.  I wish I could, but they have some issues themselves.



Quoting Knightquester:

I don't recall mentioning your disciplining her as being a problem.  I think each person raises their own children how best suits them, and I can probably relate to your form of thinking more than most given I would rather my children learn that they need to go by the commonsense and lessons I've taught them rather than what they think somebody they know who isn't in charge says or suggests.

It's hard to move to a more restrictive area, that's why I mentioned the park, but if you're already going there a lot then all that is left is maybe trying to set up some fun stuff inside that she might like just as much as outside.  Do you have an art area where she can paint, draw and color when she wants to?  I know a lot of children really like art and mine loved having an art area, especially when they were younger.

It sounds like you have older kids, not sure if I'm reading it wrong, so if you do is there a way that the older kids could take her for a walk (not that she's a dog), but kind of watch over her and play outside with her to ensure she is behaving when you cannot?  Do you have a fenced in backyard she can spend time in, and just let her know she's not to leave the backyard?

Hopefully things become easier where you guys live now, and your daughter finds a way to entertain herself without involving the neighbors, who don't sound like the best people to be around.

Quoting KrissyKC:

Yes, we go to the park often.   However, it's just not enough for Abby.. she's like that dog that stands at the door and pants to go outside all day long no matter how often you take her out.  LOL!   No, i'm not calling my kid a dog... it's just a scenario.   

It's probably my fault, because when she was littler, we lived in the country with a fenced in back yard.   I had a perfect set up to sit my desk up by the sliding glass door and just watch her while teaching the older kids.   She was outside for about 70-80% of her day.   I think I washed half a county's worth of dirt off her during her nightly baths.  I'd pop out every so often and play WITH her or engage her in stuff, but otherwise, she played and played hard by herself (and the dog!).

I try to homeschool outside, but the mosquito population here must be on steriods because I can spray one of those buggers with the can of off and it will look at me and laugh...    I literally was spraying my daughter down the other day and a mosquito was flying around trying to land on her in the midst of that toxic cloud.   I was gagging on it before the mosquito flew away.   Also, I wouldn't get anything accomplished because we'd be chasing the baby around all the time.   We used to LOVE to hs outside, but it's just not been successful since we moved here.    :* (

As for disciplining her, yes, I struggled REALLY hard.  But in the end, I chose to do so.   I didn't want her to learn that she could disobey me and get away with it because some one told her so... I don't want to raise a child that will obey adults if adults are going to get them hurt or in trouble.    

The second time, was more of a no-brainer.   I had actually come out and told her several times since then, "Miss So-and-so is not your Mom.  If you want permission for something, you have to come ask me or your Dad."
 

Quoting Knightquester:

Maybe try to do park days during the weeks the weather is permitting.  You can bring some of your daughters school work with you and have her work a page or two of work, then play at the local park with your toddler and call that her outing.

When she's outside I'd just have her and your almost year and a half year old out with you two playing in the yard with you there supervising because it sounds like the neighbors aren't a great influence to be around.  5 years old is still pretty young, I usually took my book out with a chair and sat with the kids when they were that young, or I'd play with all of the kids at once.  By the time I had a 5 year old I also had a 4, 3, and 1 year old, I would set boundaries when we went to the park or was even in our own yard on where the children could go, basically it was always in eyesight of where I was.



Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)