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don't know if I can do this...((very long))

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I figured something out today.    Before I share my revelation, let me explain where it came from.

Some of you might be remembering some of my previous posts about my kids just not.... not doing.   Not doing anything, really.   I can't get them to brush their teeth, do their chore, etc.... NOTHING.   

It's not the actual schooling itself, it's the independent work or anything at all they have to accomplish or get completed.   Everything from showering to brushing their hair to chores to writing out their math work to practicing for their events that they WANT to be in... they just do nothing.

Like lumps...

Sitting around...

I'm always having to wait and wait and wait... or get behind and push and poke and prod....  Of course, we all know how that works really well, right?

Well, I've been noticing that most Mondays and Fridays when it's just the kids and I here, we manage to accomplish stuff.   Yesterday, I had a migraine and the kids had to help me in the AM.   However, once I got up, we managed to still log 5 hours worth of school and get to the park for 3 hours.   I pushed them on the swings, played rocket with them, etc..    

I DID end up buying us Taco Bell for dinner, but for a day where I had a headache so bad I actually threw up four times, I felt pretty good about myself.

I went to bed still feeling horrible.   Got up a little late today because my alarm I set a few weeks ago (to repeat) on my phone suddenly stopped going off in the middle of last week... happened to be during one of DH's days off.   

Anyway, DH is off Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays.   These days are always HORRIBLE for school.  I finally realized why.

The kids are doing what kids are supposed to do.   They are following their leader.

I can't fight it anymore.   

Dad is lazy, lays around, putzes, doesn't get plugged in, doesn't do ANYTHING he says he wants to do... doesn't follow through on anything, etc...

My grass in my backyard is as high as almost my knee in two places.   He was supposed to cut it two weeks when he was off, but put it off til the last day and then woke up with one of his migraines and went back to sleep from 9:30 until about 2:45.   Then he woke up and acted groggy and sick the rest of the night.  He cut three strips in the lawn and came inside and quit.

I love him.   He's a kind person, and treats the kids and I with respect.  I know that he cares about them and I.   He also works and I don't, so obviously he's providing.  We've struggled over some of the problems he's had (got himself fired, started a business and failed at it because of just not trying, etc..).. but on the whole, we are mostly provided for.   I've had to help a time or two with doing childcare or holding down a job or something for a while... but he is finally matured enough and in a lasting career that I hope that is all behind us.

But, with his schedule, I just can't do it.   They follow his lead.   He IS the head of the household (in our belief system), and the kids are following him.   How can I punnish the dogs on the sled dog team if they are doing what they are supposed to do and following the lead dog???

What can I do?
 



by on Oct. 8, 2013 at 2:06 PM
Replies (11-20):
mem82
by Platinum Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 4:01 PM

I'm sorry, hon. *hugs* I don't know what I would do in your situation. Hubby is more than happy to have me do the homeschooling but he's gone 60 hours a week so I can find time to do it when he isn't around. If the come to Jesus talks don't work with him, then you have got to find a way to make the kids do their work!

No_Difference
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 6:14 PM

 I am in the EXACT same boat for the most part, the only big difference, my hubby is retired (medically) from the Army and is NEVER gone. It drives me crazy that he just sits upstairs in bed all day, or sleeps all day... When I finish school up with Little Guy (he's 4 so it goes pretty quick), Hubby calls him up (if he's awake) and has him sitting up there in his PJs and watching TV and playing on the Kindle til the oldest is done. No wonder this kid doesn't want to do anything other than watch TV and play electronic games... He throws a hissy fit whenever I want the kids to do stuff, and his excuse is "Its not like we're busy enough already..."
The last time I checked, I do all the lawn care, gardening, cleaning, and cooking, even though he's been on leave for the last 5 months (he did work I think a total of 2 weeks in that time tops), he never did anything to help around the house. I also do all the schooling with the kids. For one week he applied for jobs online. That was it. It's not like having the kids in activities is interrupting any of his time...
I too have had numerous talks with him about what I expect for the kids, and of him now that he's home all the time. It works for about a day, and then its back to ground zero, and below. Its hard. Its frustrating. If you find something that works, please share the magic...because I may just end up going crazy.

jteffs
by on Oct. 8, 2013 at 7:06 PM

I'm not a member of this group, so I hope no one is offended that I'm responding to your post, but it showed up in my active posts, and I just started reading. We don't homeschool, but the last part of this post really struck me. For me - "secretly" turning off alarms so that you sleep in would totally be a dealbreaker for me. Not only does it go against what the two of you have already (presumably) agreed upon, but it's deceitful! I cannot even imagine living like this...


Does he behave like this in other aspects of your lives???

Quoting KrissyKC:

We have had numerous talks in the past 13 1/2 years of marriage.   Talks that I felt were successful with a give and take and his verbally saying what he wants for his kids and it mostly lines up with what I want for the kids we come to understandings and agreements and all... then he does the opposite of what he says.

When we just casually discuss the kids' futures (like a recent conversation about their sleep habits as they get older), he is the one that says... "I think letting them stay up til 3am and sleep late is bad for them.   They need to learn to have healthy sleep patterns and be successful in life.   Not like I grew up."    Then he's secretly turning off my alarms so that we all sleep in instead.   


Quoting Jinx-Troublex3:

You neex to sit down with DH and share this with him. Remind him that if he expects to be head of household by your beliefs, then he needs to be responsible and set a GOOD positive example.

I have a similar issue. DH is the "Disneyland dad" I am responsible.for all school issues and On his off days Sun-Tues he plays video games or watches tv with them and takes them on outings when they should be doing school...then wonders why I get upset. Luckily, since he works nights, he sleeps until 1-2pm most days so they get the majority done while he is asleep.

We recently had a long talk about it and things have been better. He has to respect my job as much as I have to respect his and him providing for us.

Lol @ the yard..sorry! I told DH i take care of the inside of the house, and the kids and he gets the yard. He hired a gardener @@




KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 7:45 PM
1 mom liked this

Hi, it's ok that you responded.    I agree that secretly turning off the alarm is a major issue with me.  It really handicaps me.    As for other areas of our lives... well, he's faithful (not interested in other women), he is kind and loving toward me usually, and he loves his kids.

He's just really lazy and kinda "duh" in some ways.  We all have our faults, and yes, I can see how it's a "deal breaker".. because trust me, it feels like a deal breaker some days.   However, I've committed myself to be his wife for life, and it would take more than turning off alarms or "not" doing stuff for me to end this.

I just wish there were ways that I could handle it all better than I do.




Quoting jteffs:

I'm not a member of this group, so I hope no one is offended that I'm responding to your post, but it showed up in my active posts, and I just started reading. We don't homeschool, but the last part of this post really struck me. For me - "secretly" turning off alarms so that you sleep in would totally be a dealbreaker for me. Not only does it go against what the two of you have already (presumably) agreed upon, but it's deceitful! I cannot even imagine living like this...


Does he behave like this in other aspects of your lives???

Quoting KrissyKC:

We have had numerous talks in the past 13 1/2 years of marriage.   Talks that I felt were successful with a give and take and his verbally saying what he wants for his kids and it mostly lines up with what I want for the kids we come to understandings and agreements and all... then he does the opposite of what he says.

When we just casually discuss the kids' futures (like a recent conversation about their sleep habits as they get older), he is the one that says... "I think letting them stay up til 3am and sleep late is bad for them.   They need to learn to have healthy sleep patterns and be successful in life.   Not like I grew up."    Then he's secretly turning off my alarms so that we all sleep in instead.   


Quoting Jinx-Troublex3:

You neex to sit down with DH and share this with him. Remind him that if he expects to be head of household by your beliefs, then he needs to be responsible and set a GOOD positive example.

I have a similar issue. DH is the "Disneyland dad" I am responsible.for all school issues and On his off days Sun-Tues he plays video games or watches tv with them and takes them on outings when they should be doing school...then wonders why I get upset. Luckily, since he works nights, he sleeps until 1-2pm most days so they get the majority done while he is asleep.

We recently had a long talk about it and things have been better. He has to respect my job as much as I have to respect his and him providing for us.

Lol @ the yard..sorry! I told DH i take care of the inside of the house, and the kids and he gets the yard. He hired a gardener @@






KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 7:48 PM

Exactly... :(

But other times, he makes me smile and it's well worth it.   I'm just feeling really burned out and low right now.  Gotta get a grip and be the "me" that I want to be regardless of what "he" decideds to be.



Quoting No_Difference:

 I am in the EXACT same boat for the most part, the only big difference, my hubby is retired (medically) from the Army and is NEVER gone. It drives me crazy that he just sits upstairs in bed all day, or sleeps all day... When I finish school up with Little Guy (he's 4 so it goes pretty quick), Hubby calls him up (if he's awake) and has him sitting up there in his PJs and watching TV and playing on the Kindle til the oldest is done. No wonder this kid doesn't want to do anything other than watch TV and play electronic games... He throws a hissy fit whenever I want the kids to do stuff, and his excuse is "Its not like we're busy enough already..."
The last time I checked, I do all the lawn care, gardening, cleaning, and cooking, even though he's been on leave for the last 5 months (he did work I think a total of 2 weeks in that time tops), he never did anything to help around the house. I also do all the schooling with the kids. For one week he applied for jobs online. That was it. It's not like having the kids in activities is interrupting any of his time...
I too have had numerous talks with him about what I expect for the kids, and of him now that he's home all the time. It works for about a day, and then its back to ground zero, and below. Its hard. Its frustrating. If you find something that works, please share the magic...because I may just end up going crazy.



tiredmomfor2
by **Lyndsay** on Oct. 8, 2013 at 7:59 PM
Can you treat his days off like the weekends?
TJandKarasMom
by Debbie on Oct. 8, 2013 at 8:25 PM
I could see my DH turning off my alarm because he knows I would like to sleep in...a great perk to hsing is that I no longer have to get up at a set time, and I HATE being woken up by an alarm. So for me, it could be annoying, but I would think my DH was just trying to make me happy. But if you really count on the alarm, then I could see it bothering you.

It sounds like you're kind of in a slump, Krissy...just remember "this too shall pass." And it will.


Quoting jteffs:

I'm not a member of this group, so I hope no one is offended that I'm responding to your post, but it showed up in my active posts, and I just started reading. We don't homeschool, but the last part of this post really struck me. For me - "secretly" turning off alarms so that you sleep in would totally be a dealbreaker for me. Not only does it go against what the two of you have already (presumably) agreed upon, but it's deceitful! I cannot even imagine living like this...


Does he behave like this in other aspects of your lives???

Quoting KrissyKC:

We have had numerous talks in the past 13 1/2 years of marriage.   Talks that I felt were successful with a give and take and his verbally saying what he wants for his kids and it mostly lines up with what I want for the kids we come to understandings and agreements and all... then he does the opposite of what he says.

When we just casually discuss the kids' futures (like a recent conversation about their sleep habits as they get older), he is the one that says... "I think letting them stay up til 3am and sleep late is bad for them.   They need to learn to have healthy sleep patterns and be successful in life.   Not like I grew up."    Then he's secretly turning off my alarms so that we all sleep in instead.   



Quoting Jinx-Troublex3:

You neex to sit down with DH and share this with him. Remind him that if he expects to be head of household by your beliefs, then he needs to be responsible and set a GOOD positive example.



I have a similar issue. DH is the "Disneyland dad" I am responsible.for all school issues and On his off days Sun-Tues he plays video games or watches tv with them and takes them on outings when they should be doing school...then wonders why I get upset. Luckily, since he works nights, he sleeps until 1-2pm most days so they get the majority done while he is asleep.



We recently had a long talk about it and things have been better. He has to respect my job as much as I have to respect his and him providing for us.



Lol @ the yard..sorry! I told DH i take care of the inside of the house, and the kids and he gets the yard. He hired a gardener @@






jteffs
by on Oct. 8, 2013 at 9:24 PM
I understand what youre saying about it not being enough to end it, and i don't think 'deal breaker' was the right term because I doubt I would divorce over an alarm clock (lol) but to me that just speaks volumes about the rest of your lives, your marriage and your family, if he can't respect you enough to let you guys get up when you intend to, even if it's earlier than he would prefer.

Quoting KrissyKC:

Hi, it's ok that you responded.    I agree that secretly turning off the alarm is a major issue with me.  It really handicaps me.    As for other areas of our lives... well, he's faithful (not interested in other women), he is kind and loving toward me usually, and he loves his kids.

He's just really lazy and kinda "duh" in some ways.  We all have our faults, and yes, I can see how it's a "deal breaker".. because trust me, it feels like a deal breaker some days.   However, I've committed myself to be his wife for life, and it would take more than turning off alarms or "not" doing stuff for me to end this.

I just wish there were ways that I could handle it all better than I do.





Quoting jteffs:

I'm not a member of this group, so I hope no one is offended that I'm responding to your post, but it showed up in my active posts, and I just started reading. We don't homeschool, but the last part of this post really struck me. For me - "secretly" turning off alarms so that you sleep in would totally be a dealbreaker for me. Not only does it go against what the two of you have already (presumably) agreed upon, but it's deceitful! I cannot even imagine living like this...


Does he behave like this in other aspects of your lives???

Quoting KrissyKC:

We have had numerous talks in the past 13 1/2 years of marriage.   Talks that I felt were successful with a give and take and his verbally saying what he wants for his kids and it mostly lines up with what I want for the kids we come to understandings and agreements and all... then he does the opposite of what he says.

When we just casually discuss the kids' futures (like a recent conversation about their sleep habits as they get older), he is the one that says... "I think letting them stay up til 3am and sleep late is bad for them.   They need to learn to have healthy sleep patterns and be successful in life.   Not like I grew up."    Then he's secretly turning off my alarms so that we all sleep in instead.   



Quoting Jinx-Troublex3:

You neex to sit down with DH and share this with him. Remind him that if he expects to be head of household by your beliefs, then he needs to be responsible and set a GOOD positive example.



I have a similar issue. DH is the "Disneyland dad" I am responsible.for all school issues and On his off days Sun-Tues he plays video games or watches tv with them and takes them on outings when they should be doing school...then wonders why I get upset. Luckily, since he works nights, he sleeps until 1-2pm most days so they get the majority done while he is asleep.



We recently had a long talk about it and things have been better. He has to respect my job as much as I have to respect his and him providing for us.



Lol @ the yard..sorry! I told DH i take care of the inside of the house, and the kids and he gets the yard. He hired a gardener @@








kirbymom
by Sonja on Oct. 8, 2013 at 9:45 PM
Hugs Hugs Hugs!!

It sounds like you need a boost of energy and a renewing of the mind. Have you anyone that you are close to that you can "release" some of these pent of feelings that are troubling you? Do you write at all? Sometimes it helps to put into written word what you feel is helpful and can take away some of that mental strain you are under.
No_Difference
by Silver Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 8:16 AM

 I wish you the best of luck and lots of hugs. I know thats what I need on my low days too.

Quoting KrissyKC:

Exactly... :(

But other times, he makes me smile and it's well worth it.   I'm just feeling really burned out and low right now.  Gotta get a grip and be the "me" that I want to be regardless of what "he" decideds to be.

 

 

Quoting No_Difference:

 I am in the EXACT same boat for the most part, the only big difference, my hubby is retired (medically) from the Army and is NEVER gone. It drives me crazy that he just sits upstairs in bed all day, or sleeps all day... When I finish school up with Little Guy (he's 4 so it goes pretty quick), Hubby calls him up (if he's awake) and has him sitting up there in his PJs and watching TV and playing on the Kindle til the oldest is done. No wonder this kid doesn't want to do anything other than watch TV and play electronic games... He throws a hissy fit whenever I want the kids to do stuff, and his excuse is "Its not like we're busy enough already..."
The last time I checked, I do all the lawn care, gardening, cleaning, and cooking, even though he's been on leave for the last 5 months (he did work I think a total of 2 weeks in that time tops), he never did anything to help around the house. I also do all the schooling with the kids. For one week he applied for jobs online. That was it. It's not like having the kids in activities is interrupting any of his time...
I too have had numerous talks with him about what I expect for the kids, and of him now that he's home all the time. It works for about a day, and then its back to ground zero, and below. Its hard. Its frustrating. If you find something that works, please share the magic...because I may just end up going crazy.

 

 

 

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