Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Homeschooling Moms Homeschooling Moms

How would you handle this? I feel so discouraged!

Posted by on Oct. 22, 2013 at 2:35 PM
  • 18 Replies


Oh gosh, I'm really unsure of where to even start this post, but here goes:

We live in Indiana - 180 days of instruction, attendance records are the only requirement (as far as I know - I'm new!)

DH and I have full custody of DS - his bio dad gets visitation every Wednesday night (overnight), and every other weekend. We (DH and I) make all decisions as far as education goes, and we decided before DS was old enough to start school that our children (DD is 3 years) will be homeschooled. Bio dad wants weekly progress reports, and expects me to school 5 days a week, for at least 5 hours per day and is constantly comparing DS to other children in the area that are in public school. He also wants to approve any lesson plans I have, curriculum choices and field trips. Sports and activities with other children can't be on Wednesday nights, or on the weekends because he refuses to take him to these, even though he wants him to have some interaction with others his age. It wouldn't be a big deal, but why put my kid in an activity/sport if he can't participate 100%? 

On top of this, my Mom works in the public school that DS would be attending if he were enrolled. Any time I mention that I am working on my plans for the next few weeks, or anything homeschool-related, she responds with, "What's going to happen when you have to enroll him in school and you can't because he'll be so behind?" He's a little behind on reading/writing, but I know we can catch him up now that I know where his strenghts and weaknesses are. =) How would you handle this?

Also, DH's Mom has worked in education for years and I can't have a conversation at all with her without her saying, "You are following the common core, aren't you?" or "You have a print out of the Common Core Standards, right?", or "When do you take him in for testing? You need to make sure he's at the appropriate grade level."

I'm so annoyed. DH and I wanted to homeschool because of the freedom it brings, but so far, I'm feeling that I'm never going to feel that freedom. I feel like I have so many people to answer to. What would you do?



by on Oct. 22, 2013 at 2:35 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
fairymom82
by on Oct. 22, 2013 at 3:08 PM

I am in Indiana too. We use Little LIncolns provided by INdiana Cyber Acadamy. It was free to us and they provided everything from books,laptops, science kit , right down to pencils and paper. The school is awesome. It is homeschool and I have tons of hands on stuff we do together. They keep track of grades and attendance so no worries there. Maybe this would be a solution to get people off your  back or maybe tell them flat out that your childs education isnt up to them. Either way tell them to butt out and public school in Indiana isnt that great and that public school has very low educational progress. 

usmom3
by BJ on Oct. 22, 2013 at 3:18 PM
1 mom liked this

 I would tell Hubby to deal with MIL because she is his Mom& he should handle her! He should tell her that your sons education is your business & not hers & that the subject is off limits!

 I would tell your Ex that you have full control over your sons education & that it says no where in the custody papers that he has any say in any of it. And if he wants your son to join sports or other things that will land on his time with him he will ether be willing to take him or he will forfeit his visitation so that your son can attend his activities!

Chasing3
by Bronze Member on Oct. 22, 2013 at 4:19 PM

can you move far away from these people? toxic relationships! He's using your son to be controlling of you.

Sorry if that's too harsh. It does sound like a really difficult situation. It's a shame your mom and MIL don't get it how public education really is, seeing as they are in the middle of it! And that they don't see the unintended negative consequences that are going to come fast and furious with common core.

bluerooffarm
by Gold Member on Oct. 22, 2013 at 4:21 PM
1 mom liked this

 Well, remember that the only one you have to "answer to" is the biological Dad.  Other than that, I would just keep reminding everyone that they really have no say and that one day they will see how well he does.  Then change the subject.  Don't tell them you are planning for the next week.  If they ask about it tell them it is handled.  I know you would really like support, and one day it may actually come (but please don't hold your breath!!!)  But right now, they are not getting to see your amazing kids.  They are allowing their own prejudices and expectations cloud what they are seeing.  I've been there with some of that.  My parents were not quite supportive and my in-laws were crazy/stupid/angry.  They would NOT see how well my oldest was doing at home, all they could see was that he WOULD be weird.  Any little thing that wasn't like their kids was him showing he was weird.  But at this point (oldest is in third/fourth grade), even they cannot deny he is far above grade level. 

If you want the freedoms you desire, then you will need to let go of what others think of you.  You will also have to sit down with BIO dad and get things straightened out.  Either he gets his way with DS in activities AND he steps up and takes him to some of the activities OR he gets a son who does 5 hours of school 5 days per week.  But he cannot have both.  It will burn you and your son out trying to get both of those demands done during the hours that you have him.

AutymsMommy
by Silver Member on Oct. 22, 2013 at 4:35 PM

Does the child's bio father have the legal right to require what he's asking of you? You specified that you have all rights regarding education.

I am a Home Schooling, Vaccinating, Non spanking, Nightmare Cuddling, Dessert Giving, Bedtime Kissing, Book Reading, Stay at Home Mom. I believe in the benefit of organized after school activities and nosy, involved parents. I believe in spoiling my children. I believe that I have seen the village and I do not want it anywhere near my children. Now for the controversial stuff:  we're Catholic, we're conservative, and we own guns (now there's no need to ask, lol).             Aimee















Bleacheddecay
by Bronze Member on Oct. 22, 2013 at 4:36 PM

If you have 100% custody where does he get off demanding anything? If, in your papers you are required to inform him or something or whatever, then do it but don't discuss anything else. If he demands something you don't have to do just ignore it.

As for sports, look for things your child can participate in even if the ex won't take him. It's not easy. I've been through it but it's all too common these days.

As for Mother's and In Laws, it's none of their business. If they were a pain about it, I just would refuse to discuss it with them.

You may want to look for a local support group to talk to. I found park days for homeschoolers to be great for us at first. I could pick the brains of the parents and get support while my kids played with other kids.

kmath
by Silver Member on Oct. 22, 2013 at 5:06 PM
2 moms liked this

Yeah, bio-dad is being an ass and has NO right to request any of those things.  You do what works for you and your son in regards to school.  He doesn't get a say in it.  As for MIL, have your husband tell her to butt out, it is none of her business and if she can't keep her mouth shut she isn't welcome.  You need to inform your mom of the same thing.  It is so hard to deal with negative family members, all you can do is your best. 

kirbymom
by Sonja on Oct. 22, 2013 at 6:42 PM
I agree with this ....


Quoting usmom3:

 I would tell Hubby to deal with MIL because she is his Mom& he should handle her! He should tell her that your sons education is your business & not hers & that the subject is off limits!


 I would tell your Ex that you have full control over your sons education & that it says no where in the custody papers that he has any say in any of it. And if he wants your son to join sports or other things that will land on his time with him he will ether be willing to take him or he will forfeit his visitation so that your son can attend his activities!




It is my opinion but, you should make sure you have a complete legal understanding of the divorce and custody papers. Once you know for FACT what your absolute rights are, proceed from there.

Also, as far as mom and mom in law are concerned, you might want to say this to them.....
I realize you think you are speaking from a place of love and we understand but frankly, my husband and I want our kids to be and do better than what we are seeing produced by the public system right now and we feel that our homeschooling can do that. If you would like to continue to be apart of this, then please hold any and all negative opinions to yourself. Otherwise if you can't, stay away. And and as parents yourselves, I would think you would understand that. We love you but please respect our decision to homeschool since we are the parents and ultimately make these decisions.


Hugs!
Leissaintexas
by Bronze Member on Oct. 22, 2013 at 6:44 PM
You don't really have to answer to any of these people, really. maybe your ex, but only if he has equal rights in the custody agreement. Being a homeschooler means growing a really thick skin!
KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Oct. 23, 2013 at 2:32 AM
2 moms liked this

Two issues...

First... EXDH.    I suggest some mediation and maybe a revision to whatever visitation agreement you have.   Depending on your state laws.. some states allow for the kids to be involved in activities and BOTH parents have to bring them (within reason) to the activities.   As for his demands... again mediation to make it clear what you are required by law to provide to the state and if you are willing to provide anything to him.   Otherwise, you are in charge of what you do at your home as much as he is in charge of what goes on in his.

2nd issue...  I think it's more a matter of your being too nice.   You're being a doormat to other people with pushy opinions.   From the ex, to the Mom, to the MIL...

Here's an example...

"Anytime I mention..."   Well, first, stop mentioning.  Stop the info train.  Don't share with people who just want to pick apart what you are doing.  Find some one else to share with.

If they start in on you, remind them that you are 100% complying with state laws regarding homeschooling, that your son is progressing, and you are satisfied with your decisions.

If they continue, just sound like a broken record until they get the point..... if they don't get the point before you start getting annoyed tell them.

"I don't appreciate the direction of this conversation.  I am feeling a little put out by your insinuating that I'm not providing a decent education for my son.   I think we should probably find something else to discuss."






Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)