Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Homeschooling Moms Homeschooling Moms

The easy way or the hard way??? ****UPDATE****

Posted by   + Show Post

Ok, sorry, I was MIA for a few days.   I thought I would come back and update.   I admit, some of the replies, I only had time to skim this evening.   I need to go back and re-read them later.   I appreciate the comments and concerns and even the negativity.   That's why I'm bothering to post here at all, because I belive that "iron" does in fact "sharpen iron."   It's good to hear like-minded moms share their thoughts on situations like this.

So...   here's the update:

I went ahead with this type of treatment for a couple days.   Not like calling her names or anything like that, but making it clear that by choosing to lie and sneak and hide, that she was behaving immature and had continually broken trust to the point that our "trust bank" was pretty much empty.

I followed her around when doing chores, I told her about how displeased I was having to do so instead of doing the other things I needed to do... I explained how much better she would feel inside by being trusted to do her chores and how much better it is to be trusted in what she says, too.   I didn't do the multiplication thing, because this child is a math whiz and really LOVES math... LOL!   It would have been a reward.

Anyway, like I said, I tried this at the suggestion of others that I've come to respect on here.  

After about two days of this, I pulled her aside and had a discussion.   We talked about how not listening ONCE in a while, or making mistakes ONCE in a while were normal.   None of us want to do what other people ask all the time.   However, CONSTANTLY disobeying like that and lying, it's like water dripping on a stone, it can destroy and wear away our family and our home to constantly have to follow around behind her making sure she's obeying us and participating in family life.   

I tried to create more of a discussion, but I'm sure it was more one sided.   However, I got the feeling she was thinking about it at least.

I asked her if she was wanting to be trusted again.   I asked her what it would take to BE trustworthy.   She gave me some decent answers and I agreed to let her off "watch" and give her back the trust.    She gave me big hugs and we went on with our day.

She has been in a great attitude since then, she's offered to help twice without being asked and she has not grumbled about her chores.   I know it's been a short time, but because of the improvement in her behavior, we agreed to let her spend the day at a friend's house when she got invited today.    She was elated and had lots of fun.   The family loved having her, and want her to come over again.   She made me very proud, and I told her that.

She went to bed skipping and singing.   :)

Personally, I think it was the combination of a "negative" response to her behavior combined with the heart to heart combined with the "restoration" ...  I think that's what might have worked this time.

Now, we will see if it has lasting effects.  

For some that said I reacted way to harshly for just fifteen minutes of sneaking and reading.......I don't mind she reads for 15 minutes instead of doing what I asked if it weren't a CONSTANT thing.  

What would you do if every time your child walked away from you, they just plain refused to obey anything asked of them?  You might start with a discussion... try to get into why they want to not obey.   Ok, been there, done that, bought the tee shirt.   Then what?




You may remember I've posted about my 11 yr old and lying being excessive.

Tonight, I sent them to go straighten their rooms and get in bed because we were at an activity until close to bed time.

I hear NOTHING from my eldest daughter for a while and I called her to me.   She hasn't even taken off her jacket yet.

Me:   Kaycee, stop reading, young lady (notice, I didn't even ask if she was reading..didn't put her in the position to lie to me)...

her:   What?  I wasn't reading.

Me: (with a grin, not even irritated, but in a way of, "mom knows you are doing somthing)... so... what were you doing?

her:   *pause* What you told me to do....

Me:   Which is what specifically?

her:  *pause* I was cleaning my room.

Me:  (Staring at her, KNOWING that she is telling me another lie.)    But what exactly did you just go clean up?   What specific items, because I'm not hearing any cleaning...

her:   Well, Abby (sis's) blankets are all over the floor.   (another symptom... blame)...

Me:  If they are currently all over the floor, those aren't what you were picking up, so what EXACTLY were you picking up.

Her:  *longer pause and wide eyes*   uhm... some stuff....

Me:   Kaycee, I am going to be honest and tell you that I know that you are lying.   Remember how we have talked about lying?   Are you wanting to do this hard way or the easy way? ((asked in my normal and calm voice, I'm just bolding it for effect here))  

Her:   ((Big long pause, wide eyes, batting lashes))  ...I'm not lying.

Me:   So what exactly did you clean?

Her:  *pause again*   well... uhm... there were some hangers on the floor and some other stuff.

Me:   (walking to her room and see absolutely NOTHING picked up)   Well, those hangers, there... on the floor.   Those are the ones you've spent 15 minutes now cleaning up?

Her:   *wide eyed stare*...

Me:   Well... *looking around the room*... what did you pick up?

Her:  .....nothing... 

Me:   What were you doing?

Her: .....reading.... *mumbled*


Seriously???    I didn't ASK you to admit to it.   I just told you from the get-go to stop reading and do as you were told.   You didn't have to say or do anything except choose to listen.   However, since you chose to lie... and then chose to lie again when I reminded you that lying is unacceptable and you had the choice between the hard way or the easy way....

Well.. here's your hard way...   go write me 200 sentences before bed.




by on Oct. 28, 2013 at 12:41 AM
Replies (31-40):
RockEducation
by on Nov. 3, 2013 at 7:43 PM

 Yeah, that freakin' baffles me as well.

Quoting celticdragon77:

I dont understand this logic of tormenting the child.

Quoting mem82:

Not if you make it obvious that you are there because you don't trust her. That is going to burn her britches more than anything else, especially being the oldest child. You are saying by sitting there, "You are a baby that needs mommy to sit right here because you can't be trusted to be a big girl."

Make sure to annoy her while you are sitting there. Say, "Well, since I have to sit here since I know you can't be trusted to not lie about cleaning, I guess we should work on your multiplication tables. What's 9 times 8? Oh, pick up that sock, there. What's 7 times 6? I bet your friends don't have to have their moms watch them clean because they don't lie about cleaning. Their parents can trust them." ETC. Don't make it fun. Make it pissy.

Quoting KrissyKC:

I see that, which is why I wasn't asking her to admit to anything to begin with.   I just said, "Put the book away and get cleaning!"    I didn't ask her so she wouldn't be in a position to lie.    She chose to offer the lie without being asked.  

So you think that the not cleaning to begin with is the bigger problem, not the lying?  Because that's what this feels more like it addresses.   That since she won't clean her room on her own, that mom will sit and watch her clean her room.  It doesn't feel like it addresses the lying.

 

 

Quoting mem82:

But it sounds like you have one child, specifically, who has the issue lying. I agree with Blue. Parenting is a hands on job sometimes and yes, it can be a big ol' pain in the booty, it can be a time suck, but you are already losing time, peace, and patience and nothing you have done has helped. You are already being punished with how the household is being stressed by this issue. It's more reasonable to do it that way than to almost set up the child to lie again and again to you by asking her repeatedly to tell the truth. If you see what I mean. It's harder to admit a lie than to back track to the truth. Once the lie is told, no matter how many lines you give her, you are always going to end up having the same drawn out conversation where she will hold tight to the lie.It's instinct.

Quoting KrissyKC:

If I had to sit down on my kids' beds everytime they are supposed to pick up their belongings, then I honestly would not be doing much else.   I have four kids.   Sitting beside them every time when they clean their rooms, do their chores, etc... just isn't reasonable.   Besides, who am I diciplining?  Me or the child?

 

 

Quoting bluerooffarm:

What were you doing while the cleaning wasn't going on?  Was it something location specific?  Like prepping for breakfast or using the bathroom?  You have some pretty situation specific conequences you could use here to show DD why lying is not acceptable instead of using writing which creates a situation where school work is a punishment.

When you sent her to her room to clean, you could have gone right along with her and sat on her bed while she cleaned.  She would have definately questioned why.  Then you get to have a conversation about how she has broken your trust bond with her lying.  Now you know ahead of time that she is not going to clean her room, she is going to read instead because she can no longer be trusted to do the right thing.  So now she doesn't get the privacy of her room.  When she proves that her lying days are in the past then she will get the priveleges that come with it.  But remind her that lying has broken trust and broken her reputation and those are things that take a loooooooong time to rebuild.

 

 

 


 

 



 


EDGY HOMESCHOOL MOMS



 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 




 







 




 




 




 

RockEducation
by on Nov. 3, 2013 at 7:48 PM
1 mom liked this

 Yeah, I'm hoping it was sarcasm, too. That would definitely teach a child to........hate writing.

Quoting celticdragon77:

That was sarcasm, right? 400x's?

Quoting Jenn8604:

Next time make it 400 times something like I will listen to my mother and do as I am told, the first time, and stop lying to try to get out of trouble, as that only makes me in more trouble.


 




EDGY HOMESCHOOL MOMS

RockEducation
by on Nov. 3, 2013 at 7:51 PM
3 moms liked this

 (Quickly raises hand.) Count me in, Crystal.

Quoting celticdragon77:

You wanted her to go to bed

She read for 15mins instead. 

You called her out on it and she was like "Oh Shit!" and went to lie mode.

Your solution... write 200 sentences before bed

Please tell me that SOMEONE ELSE see's a flawed logic here. 

 

RockEducation
by on Nov. 3, 2013 at 7:56 PM
2 moms liked this

 I agree 100% with you Kate.

Quoting TidewaterClan:

A quick search on 'child compulsive lying' returns with a ton of useful sites. I can't turn them into links from the phone but the main causes are ADHD, Fear Of Punishment, Low Self Esteem.

This child needs counseling. I can't say enough how wonderful our pediatrician, therapist (we had to change from the first one - don't be afraid to switch), and psychiatrist have been. I can fix software programs in a jiffy but my daughter's constant hand washing & confessing were beyond my scope of knowledge & ability. Family counseling would help ALL of you work together.

I know your upbringing was a sad one Krissy. It's hard to know what to do when you didn't have a great role model. Observe the women around you when you're at the museum, grocery, library, etc., and see how they interact with their children. You'll learn some great lessons - good & bad.

My favorite line ever from a book was "Be the parent you always wish you'd had" and I try to live by it.


http://www.livestrong.com/article/534769-kids-compulsive-lying/#page=1


 

mem82
by Platinum Member on Nov. 3, 2013 at 8:26 PM

Sitting on a bed, asking questions, and remarking on how other kids their age don't need that type of supervision is torment? I guess I can send back the waterboard I bought.

Quoting RockEducation:

 Yeah, that freakin' baffles me as well.

Quoting celticdragon77:

I dont understand this logic of tormenting the child.

Quoting mem82:

Not if you make it obvious that you are there because you don't trust her. That is going to burn her britches more than anything else, especially being the oldest child. You are saying by sitting there, "You are a baby that needs mommy to sit right here because you can't be trusted to be a big girl."

Make sure to annoy her while you are sitting there. Say, "Well, since I have to sit here since I know you can't be trusted to not lie about cleaning, I guess we should work on your multiplication tables. What's 9 times 8? Oh, pick up that sock, there. What's 7 times 6? I bet your friends don't have to have their moms watch them clean because they don't lie about cleaning. Their parents can trust them." ETC. Don't make it fun. Make it pissy.

Quoting KrissyKC:

I see that, which is why I wasn't asking her to admit to anything to begin with.   I just said, "Put the book away and get cleaning!"    I didn't ask her so she wouldn't be in a position to lie.    She chose to offer the lie without being asked.  

So you think that the not cleaning to begin with is the bigger problem, not the lying?  Because that's what this feels more like it addresses.   That since she won't clean her room on her own, that mom will sit and watch her clean her room.  It doesn't feel like it addresses the lying.



Quoting mem82:

But it sounds like you have one child, specifically, who has the issue lying. I agree with Blue. Parenting is a hands on job sometimes and yes, it can be a big ol' pain in the booty, it can be a time suck, but you are already losing time, peace, and patience and nothing you have done has helped. You are already being punished with how the household is being stressed by this issue. It's more reasonable to do it that way than to almost set up the child to lie again and again to you by asking her repeatedly to tell the truth. If you see what I mean. It's harder to admit a lie than to back track to the truth. Once the lie is told, no matter how many lines you give her, you are always going to end up having the same drawn out conversation where she will hold tight to the lie.It's instinct.

Quoting KrissyKC:

If I had to sit down on my kids' beds everytime they are supposed to pick up their belongings, then I honestly would not be doing much else.   I have four kids.   Sitting beside them every time when they clean their rooms, do their chores, etc... just isn't reasonable.   Besides, who am I diciplining?  Me or the child?



Quoting bluerooffarm:

What were you doing while the cleaning wasn't going on?  Was it something location specific?  Like prepping for breakfast or using the bathroom?  You have some pretty situation specific conequences you could use here to show DD why lying is not acceptable instead of using writing which creates a situation where school work is a punishment.

When you sent her to her room to clean, you could have gone right along with her and sat on her bed while she cleaned.  She would have definately questioned why.  Then you get to have a conversation about how she has broken your trust bond with her lying.  Now you know ahead of time that she is not going to clean her room, she is going to read instead because she can no longer be trusted to do the right thing.  So now she doesn't get the privacy of her room.  When she proves that her lying days are in the past then she will get the priveleges that come with it.  But remind her that lying has broken trust and broken her reputation and those are things that take a loooooooong time to rebuild.

 








 



Jumpropemama
by on Nov. 3, 2013 at 9:07 PM
2 moms liked this
Tormenting and keeping your thumb on a kid with obviously already low self esteem is not the way to go!!!!!!!!! Loosen up on her!!!! Quit looking for her to mess up!!!! Give the child a break!!!!!! It's not the end of the freaking world!!!! How would she feel about being put in ps???? Sorry I am not a homeschooler but saw this post. Kids mess up. That is their job. She will turn out just fine is you quit micro managing her every move!!!
mem82
by Platinum Member on Nov. 3, 2013 at 9:16 PM
I see you are newish to Cafe mom . Welcome! How old are your kids? Would homeschooling be something that interests you?

Quoting Jumpropemama:

Tormenting and keeping your thumb on a kid with obviously already low self esteem is not the way to go!!!!!!!!! Loosen up on her!!!! Quit looking for her to mess up!!!! Give the child a break!!!!!! It's not the end of the freaking world!!!! How would she feel about being put in ps???? Sorry I am not a homeschooler but saw this post. Kids mess up. That is their job. She will turn out just fine is you quit micro managing her every move!!!
RockEducation
by on Nov. 3, 2013 at 10:03 PM
1 mom liked this

 Don't forget the part about making sure to annoy her, making sure it isn't fun, and to make it pissy, right? Somehow I don't find that to be good parenting skills. I mean, to make sure that you annoy someone, you would have to be somewhat annoyed yourself first.  I always try not to discipline when angry, annoyed, etc.

It's pretty obvious that there is a lot going on with this child. I don't see how that type of disciplining  is going to help. All kids need empathy, understanding, and the freedom to make mistakes.

I agree with jumprope to give the child some space and talk to this child. I'm sure at this point she would love someone to talk to that would listen to what she had to say and how she feels about whatever.

I also agree with Kate that seeing a professional would be helpful.

 

Quoting mem82:

Sitting on a bed, asking questions, and remarking on how other kids their age don't need that type of supervision is torment? I guess I can send back the waterboard I bought.

Quoting RockEducation:

 Yeah, that freakin' baffles me as well.

Quoting celticdragon77:

I dont understand this logic of tormenting the child.

Quoting mem82:

Not if you make it obvious that you are there because you don't trust her. That is going to burn her britches more than anything else, especially being the oldest child. You are saying by sitting there, "You are a baby that needs mommy to sit right here because you can't be trusted to be a big girl."

Make sure to annoy her while you are sitting there. Say, "Well, since I have to sit here since I know you can't be trusted to not lie about cleaning, I guess we should work on your multiplication tables. What's 9 times 8? Oh, pick up that sock, there. What's 7 times 6? I bet your friends don't have to have their moms watch them clean because they don't lie about cleaning. Their parents can trust them." ETC. Don't make it fun. Make it pissy.

Quoting KrissyKC:

I see that, which is why I wasn't asking her to admit to anything to begin with.   I just said, "Put the book away and get cleaning!"    I didn't ask her so she wouldn't be in a position to lie.    She chose to offer the lie without being asked.  

So you think that the not cleaning to begin with is the bigger problem, not the lying?  Because that's what this feels more like it addresses.   That since she won't clean her room on her own, that mom will sit and watch her clean her room.  It doesn't feel like it addresses the lying.

 

 

Quoting mem82:

But it sounds like you have one child, specifically, who has the issue lying. I agree with Blue. Parenting is a hands on job sometimes and yes, it can be a big ol' pain in the booty, it can be a time suck, but you are already losing time, peace, and patience and nothing you have done has helped. You are already being punished with how the household is being stressed by this issue. It's more reasonable to do it that way than to almost set up the child to lie again and again to you by asking her repeatedly to tell the truth. If you see what I mean. It's harder to admit a lie than to back track to the truth. Once the lie is told, no matter how many lines you give her, you are always going to end up having the same drawn out conversation where she will hold tight to the lie.It's instinct.

Quoting KrissyKC:

If I had to sit down on my kids' beds everytime they are supposed to pick up their belongings, then I honestly would not be doing much else.   I have four kids.   Sitting beside them every time when they clean their rooms, do their chores, etc... just isn't reasonable.   Besides, who am I diciplining?  Me or the child?

 

 

Quoting bluerooffarm:

What were you doing while the cleaning wasn't going on?  Was it something location specific?  Like prepping for breakfast or using the bathroom?  You have some pretty situation specific conequences you could use here to show DD why lying is not acceptable instead of using writing which creates a situation where school work is a punishment.

When you sent her to her room to clean, you could have gone right along with her and sat on her bed while she cleaned.  She would have definately questioned why.  Then you get to have a conversation about how she has broken your trust bond with her lying.  Now you know ahead of time that she is not going to clean her room, she is going to read instead because she can no longer be trusted to do the right thing.  So now she doesn't get the privacy of her room.  When she proves that her lying days are in the past then she will get the priveleges that come with it.  But remind her that lying has broken trust and broken her reputation and those are things that take a loooooooong time to rebuild.

 

 

 


 

 



 


 




EDGY HOMESCHOOL MOMS

mem82
by Platinum Member on Nov. 3, 2013 at 10:22 PM
I don't disagree that professional help might be needed. I commented on the original post.
I can discipline easily without anger, annoyance, honestly, much ill will. It's part of my job to punish an out of line child. Sitting on a bed asking about the status of their friends or doing multiplication tables is hardly taxing on either of us. It would be possibly out of line to do this with company over because I don't believe in public humiliation.
A punishment is not supposed to be pleasant, it is supposed to be pretty darn pissy actually. I won't apologize that some think that sitting on a bed chatting is *torture *. I find it fairly amusing, really. Oh, no! Mom is watching me do my chores and asking me if I think my friends need a chore babysitter! I wish she would stop this torture and get out the belt! I rather be beaten or lose everything in my room then spend 20 minutes with my mom!
I am a parent, not a friend. I'm not going to sugar coat and have little talks to my kids when they are old enough to do as I say the first time. Heart to hearts have a large roll in my parenting but not for things like this.
If anyone finds their mother so horrible that cleaning a room under her supervision is akin to torture, well... The whole family is screwed. Now, if cleaning under supervision chaffes the hiney a bit, the punishment is doing its job perfectly.


Quoting RockEducation:

 Don't forget the part about making sure to annoy her, making sure it isn't fun, and to make it pissy, right? Somehow I don't find that to be good parenting skills. I mean, to make sure that you annoy someone, you would have to be somewhat annoyed yourself first.  I always try not to discipline when angry, annoyed, etc.


It's pretty obvious that there is a lot going on with this child. I don't see how that type of disciplining  is going to help. All kids need empathy, understanding, and the freedom to make mistakes.


I agree with jumprope to give the child some space and talk to this child. I'm sure at this point she would love someone to talk to that would listen to what she had to say and how she feels about whatever.


I also agree with Kate that seeing a professional would be helpful.


 


Quoting mem82:


Sitting on a bed, asking questions, and remarking on how other kids their age don't need that type of supervision is torment? I guess I can send back the waterboard I bought.


Quoting RockEducation:


 Yeah, that freakin' baffles me as well.


Quoting celticdragon77:


I dont understand this logic of tormenting the child.


Quoting mem82:


Not if you make it obvious that you are there because you don't trust her. That is going to burn her britches more than anything else, especially being the oldest child. You are saying by sitting there, "You are a baby that needs mommy to sit right here because you can't be trusted to be a big girl."


Make sure to annoy her while you are sitting there. Say, "Well, since I have to sit here since I know you can't be trusted to not lie about cleaning, I guess we should work on your multiplication tables. What's 9 times 8? Oh, pick up that sock, there. What's 7 times 6? I bet your friends don't have to have their moms watch them clean because they don't lie about cleaning. Their parents can trust them." ETC. Don't make it fun. Make it pissy.


Quoting KrissyKC:


I see that, which is why I wasn't asking her to admit to anything to begin with.   I just said, "Put the book away and get cleaning!"    I didn't ask her so she wouldn't be in a position to lie.    She chose to offer the lie without being asked.  


So you think that the not cleaning to begin with is the bigger problem, not the lying?  Because that's what this feels more like it addresses.   That since she won't clean her room on her own, that mom will sit and watch her clean her room.  It doesn't feel like it addresses the lying.


 


 


Quoting mem82:


But it sounds like you have one child, specifically, who has the issue lying. I agree with Blue. Parenting is a hands on job sometimes and yes, it can be a big ol' pain in the booty, it can be a time suck, but you are already losing time, peace, and patience and nothing you have done has helped. You are already being punished with how the household is being stressed by this issue. It's more reasonable to do it that way than to almost set up the child to lie again and again to you by asking her repeatedly to tell the truth. If you see what I mean. It's harder to admit a lie than to back track to the truth. Once the lie is told, no matter how many lines you give her, you are always going to end up having the same drawn out conversation where she will hold tight to the lie.It's instinct.


Quoting KrissyKC:


If I had to sit down on my kids' beds everytime they are supposed to pick up their belongings, then I honestly would not be doing much else.   I have four kids.   Sitting beside them every time when they clean their rooms, do their chores, etc... just isn't reasonable.   Besides, who am I diciplining?  Me or the child?


 


 


Quoting bluerooffarm:


What were you doing while the cleaning wasn't going on?  Was it something location specific?  Like prepping for breakfast or using the bathroom?  You have some pretty situation specific conequences you could use here to show DD why lying is not acceptable instead of using writing which creates a situation where school work is a punishment.


When you sent her to her room to clean, you could have gone right along with her and sat on her bed while she cleaned.  She would have definately questioned why.  Then you get to have a conversation about how she has broken your trust bond with her lying.  Now you know ahead of time that she is not going to clean her room, she is going to read instead because she can no longer be trusted to do the right thing.  So now she doesn't get the privacy of her room.  When she proves that her lying days are in the past then she will get the priveleges that come with it.  But remind her that lying has broken trust and broken her reputation and those are things that take a loooooooong time to rebuild.


 


 


 




 


 






 




 

RockEducation
by on Nov. 3, 2013 at 10:55 PM
1 mom liked this

 No, punishment isn't suppose to be pleasant. Is it suppose to be pretty darn pissy............? I believe that to be an opinion.

No one asked you to apologize. From what I've read in the other posts, it sounds like this child has something going on and would indeed benefit from an evaluation by a professional.  I believe in being a parent first and don't believe in sugar coating anything as well. But I don't believe belittling and demeaning a child will have a positive outcome. The cleaning of the room was only part of the (tormenting) discipline. We both know that there is much more than just that.

 

 I hope this child doesn't feel that way about her mother.

 

 

Quoting mem82:

I don't disagree that professional help might be needed. I commented on the original post.
I can discipline easily without anger, annoyance, honestly, much ill will. It's part of my job to punish an out of line child. Sitting on a bed asking about the status of their friends or doing multiplication tables is hardly taxing on either of us. It would be possibly out of line to do this with company over because I don't believe in public humiliation.
A punishment is not supposed to be pleasant, it is supposed to be pretty darn pissy actually. I won't apologize that some think that sitting on a bed chatting is *torture *. I find it fairly amusing, really. Oh, no! Mom is watching me do my chores and asking me if I think my friends need a chore babysitter! I wish she would stop this torture and get out the belt! I rather be beaten or lose everything in my room then spend 20 minutes with my mom!
I am a parent, not a friend. I'm not going to sugar coat and have little talks to my kids when they are old enough to do as I say the first time. Heart to hearts have a large roll in my parenting but not for things like this.
If anyone finds their mother so horrible that cleaning a room under her supervision is akin to torture, well... The whole family is screwed. Now, if cleaning under supervision chaffes the hiney a bit, the punishment is doing its job perfectly.


Quoting RockEducation:

 Don't forget the part about making sure to annoy her, making sure it isn't fun, and to make it pissy, right? Somehow I don't find that to be good parenting skills. I mean, to make sure that you annoy someone, you would have to be somewhat annoyed yourself first.  I always try not to discipline when angry, annoyed, etc.


It's pretty obvious that there is a lot going on with this child. I don't see how that type of disciplining  is going to help. All kids need empathy, understanding, and the freedom to make mistakes.


I agree with jumprope to give the child some space and talk to this child. I'm sure at this point she would love someone to talk to that would listen to what she had to say and how she feels about whatever.


I also agree with Kate that seeing a professional would be helpful.


 


Quoting mem82:


Sitting on a bed, asking questions, and remarking on how other kids their age don't need that type of supervision is torment? I guess I can send back the waterboard I bought.


Quoting RockEducation:


 Yeah, that freakin' baffles me as well.


Quoting celticdragon77:


I dont understand this logic of tormenting the child.


Quoting mem82:


Not if you make it obvious that you are there because you don't trust her. That is going to burn her britches more than anything else, especially being the oldest child. You are saying by sitting there, "You are a baby that needs mommy to sit right here because you can't be trusted to be a big girl."


Make sure to annoy her while you are sitting there. Say, "Well, since I have to sit here since I know you can't be trusted to not lie about cleaning, I guess we should work on your multiplication tables. What's 9 times 8? Oh, pick up that sock, there. What's 7 times 6? I bet your friends don't have to have their moms watch them clean because they don't lie about cleaning. Their parents can trust them." ETC. Don't make it fun. Make it pissy.


Quoting KrissyKC:


I see that, which is why I wasn't asking her to admit to anything to begin with.   I just said, "Put the book away and get cleaning!"    I didn't ask her so she wouldn't be in a position to lie.    She chose to offer the lie without being asked.  


So you think that the not cleaning to begin with is the bigger problem, not the lying?  Because that's what this feels more like it addresses.   That since she won't clean her room on her own, that mom will sit and watch her clean her room.  It doesn't feel like it addresses the lying.


 


 


Quoting mem82:


But it sounds like you have one child, specifically, who has the issue lying. I agree with Blue. Parenting is a hands on job sometimes and yes, it can be a big ol' pain in the booty, it can be a time suck, but you are already losing time, peace, and patience and nothing you have done has helped. You are already being punished with how the household is being stressed by this issue. It's more reasonable to do it that way than to almost set up the child to lie again and again to you by asking her repeatedly to tell the truth. If you see what I mean. It's harder to admit a lie than to back track to the truth. Once the lie is told, no matter how many lines you give her, you are always going to end up having the same drawn out conversation where she will hold tight to the lie.It's instinct.


Quoting KrissyKC:


If I had to sit down on my kids' beds everytime they are supposed to pick up their belongings, then I honestly would not be doing much else.   I have four kids.   Sitting beside them every time when they clean their rooms, do their chores, etc... just isn't reasonable.   Besides, who am I diciplining?  Me or the child?


 


 


Quoting bluerooffarm:


What were you doing while the cleaning wasn't going on?  Was it something location specific?  Like prepping for breakfast or using the bathroom?  You have some pretty situation specific conequences you could use here to show DD why lying is not acceptable instead of using writing which creates a situation where school work is a punishment.


When you sent her to her room to clean, you could have gone right along with her and sat on her bed while she cleaned.  She would have definately questioned why.  Then you get to have a conversation about how she has broken your trust bond with her lying.  Now you know ahead of time that she is not going to clean her room, she is going to read instead because she can no longer be trusted to do the right thing.  So now she doesn't get the privacy of her room.  When she proves that her lying days are in the past then she will get the priveleges that come with it.  But remind her that lying has broken trust and broken her reputation and those are things that take a loooooooong time to rebuild.


 


 


 




 


 






 




 

 

EDGY HOMESCHOOL MOMS--DON'T PUSH THAT STEREOTYPICAL CRAP ON US

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)