Ok, sorry, I was MIA for a few days. I thought I would come back and update. I admit, some of the replies, I only had time to skim this evening. I need to go back and re-read them later. I appreciate the comments and concerns and even the negativity. That's why I'm bothering to post here at all, because I belive that "iron" does in fact "sharpen iron." It's good to hear like-minded moms share their thoughts on situations like this.
So... here's the update:
I went ahead with this type of treatment for a couple days. Not like calling her names or anything like that, but making it clear that by choosing to lie and sneak and hide, that she was behaving immature and had continually broken trust to the point that our "trust bank" was pretty much empty.
I followed her around when doing chores, I told her about how displeased I was having to do so instead of doing the other things I needed to do... I explained how much better she would feel inside by being trusted to do her chores and how much better it is to be trusted in what she says, too. I didn't do the multiplication thing, because this child is a math whiz and really LOVES math... LOL! It would have been a reward.
Anyway, like I said, I tried this at the suggestion of others that I've come to respect on here.
After about two days of this, I pulled her aside and had a discussion. We talked about how not listening ONCE in a while, or making mistakes ONCE in a while were normal. None of us want to do what other people ask all the time. However, CONSTANTLY disobeying like that and lying, it's like water dripping on a stone, it can destroy and wear away our family and our home to constantly have to follow around behind her making sure she's obeying us and participating in family life.
I tried to create more of a discussion, but I'm sure it was more one sided. However, I got the feeling she was thinking about it at least.
I asked her if she was wanting to be trusted again. I asked her what it would take to BE trustworthy. She gave me some decent answers and I agreed to let her off "watch" and give her back the trust. She gave me big hugs and we went on with our day.
She has been in a great attitude since then, she's offered to help twice without being asked and she has not grumbled about her chores. I know it's been a short time, but because of the improvement in her behavior, we agreed to let her spend the day at a friend's house when she got invited today. She was elated and had lots of fun. The family loved having her, and want her to come over again. She made me very proud, and I told her that.
She went to bed skipping and singing. :)
Personally, I think it was the combination of a "negative" response to her behavior combined with the heart to heart combined with the "restoration" ... I think that's what might have worked this time.
Now, we will see if it has lasting effects.
For some that said I reacted way to harshly for just fifteen minutes of sneaking and reading.......I don't mind she reads for 15 minutes instead of doing what I asked if it weren't a CONSTANT thing.
What would you do if every time your child walked away from you, they just plain refused to obey anything asked of them? You might start with a discussion... try to get into why they want to not obey. Ok, been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. Then what?
You may remember I've posted about my 11 yr old and lying being excessive.
Tonight, I sent them to go straighten their rooms and get in bed because we were at an activity until close to bed time.
I hear NOTHING from my eldest daughter for a while and I called her to me. She hasn't even taken off her jacket yet.
Me: Kaycee, stop reading, young lady (notice, I didn't even ask if she was reading..didn't put her in the position to lie to me)...
her: What? I wasn't reading.
Me: (with a grin, not even irritated, but in a way of, "mom knows you are doing somthing)... so... what were you doing?
her: *pause* What you told me to do....
Me: Which is what specifically?
her: *pause* I was cleaning my room.
Me: (Staring at her, KNOWING that she is telling me another lie.) But what exactly did you just go clean up? What specific items, because I'm not hearing any cleaning...
her: Well, Abby (sis's) blankets are all over the floor. (another symptom... blame)...
Me: If they are currently all over the floor, those aren't what you were picking up, so what EXACTLY were you picking up.
Her: *longer pause and wide eyes* uhm... some stuff....
Me: Kaycee, I am going to be honest and tell you that I know that you are lying. Remember how we have talked about lying? Are you wanting to do this hard way or the easy way? ((asked in my normal and calm voice, I'm just bolding it for effect here))
Her: ((Big long pause, wide eyes, batting lashes)) ...I'm not lying.
Me: So what exactly did you clean?
Her: *pause again* well... uhm... there were some hangers on the floor and some other stuff.
Me: (walking to her room and see absolutely NOTHING picked up) Well, those hangers, there... on the floor. Those are the ones you've spent 15 minutes now cleaning up?
Her: *wide eyed stare*...
Me: Well... *looking around the room*... what did you pick up?
Me: What were you doing?
Her: .....reading.... *mumbled*
Seriously??? I didn't ASK you to admit to it. I just told you from the get-go to stop reading and do as you were told. You didn't have to say or do anything except choose to listen. However, since you chose to lie... and then chose to lie again when I reminded you that lying is unacceptable and you had the choice between the hard way or the easy way....
Well.. here's your hard way... go write me 200 sentences before bed.