Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Homeschooling Moms Homeschooling Moms

Mem and Blue.... I tried it your way, I think... (anyone else welcome)

Posted by on Oct. 30, 2013 at 2:16 AM
  • 25 Replies
1 mom liked this

She did it again yesterday.    My younger daughter was itching to go ride her two wheeler (just learned), so I trusted the older one (Kaycee, the subject of our conversation) to study for her Bible Quizzing competition for 20-30 minutes while taking the younger one out.

She snuck on the internet and played games instead.   Which is actually a good thing because it gave me the opportunity to try parenting the way you suggested.   I'm sure I wasn't perfect about it and all, but here's what I did.

I went ahead and discussed trusting her to do what was expected and how she had the freedom to choose to obey or disobey.   Then, I spent the whole evening following her around and staying ontop of her.   She really hated it!   I kept nagging her to move faster.   Example, "I really don't want to have to watch you do such and such, so move it... double time.   You have the freedom to move at your own pace when you aren't wasting my time."   Then I would prod he rmore and more... not allowing her to sit down to fold socks, for example.  "Nope, sorry, you can match them faster standing up."   And I just stared openly at her... hard... (not angry stare, but a VERY CLOSE OBSERVANT stare)... she really disliked being treated that way.

Then, I put her to bed when the baby went to bed and explained that babies and toddlers go to bed early and the parents get to relax in the evening.  Since she was choosing to not act her age by refusing to do as asked, then she would be going to bed with the baby.   She has to sit by me all the time, and everything she does right now has to be supervised.

She HATES it.

Then, FFWd...

(there's more)..

Today, started out OK, we did school like normal, etc...  Then, while I was teaching her sister kindergarten (after having told them, finish science, math, and practice choir)... she put her school work away and started reading a book instead.   I failed to notice because the living room is somewhat attached to the kitchen/dining, but not entirely.   I began to cook while finishing up with kindy and taking care of baby... and I notice... hey... Kaycee is reading.

(really felt like hitting my head on the wall, but again.. .this is her pushing her boundaries...)

So, we started with the whole supervision thing all over again (really cracked down and made her rush through chores and such)...  She ended up not getting lunch before choir practice because of not having practiced choir by lunch time... and then didn't have time before having to leave for choir.   I intentionally had it ready and waiting, because it wasn't my fault, it was a consequence of having read instead of doing what was told.    

Also, later, when they got home, we had planned a night of halloween cartoons, pumpkin carving, etc...  I wouldn't let her use a knife.   I told her since I had to supervise her so much, that I wouldn't trust an irresponsible toddler with a knife, so therefore I guess she couldn't use one and that I would carver her pumpkin instead.   Again, I followed her all over the house while making her do chores, (double time and MY way instead of her own)... I gave her privacy to actually undress and get in the shower, but then I stood in the bathroom instructing her HOW to shower properly and quickly without dawdling... then gave her 1:30 seconds to get out and get dressed (giving her privacy again) and then supervised brushing her teeth... 

I felt like I was a prison guard.   Really, I hated it... it was terrible.   I think it was just as hard on me.

DH was taking care of the other kids, dishing up food and getting the movie up and ready... so I could focus on JUST her.    I even sat about six inches away from her while she ate and just stared.   If she slowed down, I would prompt her to keep eating or she could throw it away.   I know she had to be hungry.

Anyway, we ended up putting her to bed around 6:40...   Even an hour before the baby.   Again, I discussed that I really didn't like having to watch her so closely, but she was consistantly doing the exact opposite of what she is asked when our backs are turned.   I told her to get used to this because it wasn't going to just go away in the morning.   She cried hard over that one.

Here's some extra details...  Last summer, she shoplifted.    Later, she broke into the fenced back yard of a neighbors house because the 15 yr old brother of her friend convinced her to (while he tried to get into the back door)...  

We THOUGHT we dealt with each of these issues.   So I know this has to be effective.   If not, I'm really going to be in for a wild ride with this child, and I'm running out of options.

I say all this to say thank you ladies... I really hope this "well I guess you can't be trusted and must be constantly supervised" thing works...




 


by on Oct. 30, 2013 at 2:16 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Oct. 30, 2013 at 2:18 AM

oh, and yesterday, DH noticed that she hasn't been brushing her hair (several really bad rats nests)...

So he made her bring him the hair brush and he lectured her on brushing her hair properly while HE brushed it.   She bawled like a baby because of how she did NOT want Dad brushing her hair when she didn't.


KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Oct. 30, 2013 at 2:29 AM
1 mom liked this

This is what I carved out of her pumkin, though... does it look like a lion like it's supposed to???   I don't have a pic of it lit yet on my phone.    I've never "carved" a pumkin before.   I always just cut out eyes, nose, mouth, etc...   but this time, I actually tried something different and artsy.


debramommyof4
by Silver Member on Oct. 30, 2013 at 2:30 AM
I think I need to try this with my 6 year old. She is forever stilling and doing things she is asked not too.
debramommyof4
by Silver Member on Oct. 30, 2013 at 2:31 AM
I can see a lion. Looks cool.

Quoting KrissyKC:

This is what I carved out of her pumkin, though... does it look like a lion like it's supposed to???   I don't have a pic of it lit yet on my phone.    I've never "carved" a pumkin before.   I always just cut out eyes, nose, mouth, etc...   but this time, I actually tried something different and artsy.


PurpleCupcake
by on Oct. 30, 2013 at 8:16 AM
1 mom liked this

I see a pattern here..but I have a few questions.

How old?

What is your teaching style for her?

What is your schedule like?

What was she reading when you caught her? What book?

What games was she playing on the computer when you caught her?

How is the bible/religious stuff you do taught during the day for her? How much time is spent on it?

What are her grades like?

What subject is she best at?

How old are your other kids? 

TidewaterClan
by on Oct. 30, 2013 at 10:34 AM
1 mom liked this

First off, your lion looks super!  

Here are my thoughts (for what they're worth).  If your daughter gets in a lot of trouble for reading or playing computer games it may not be that big a leap, in her mind, to break into the neighbor's yard or shoplift.  My own girls and their friends all do the same (on the games of course).  I just gently take away the pc or book until my daughters are done with chores or studies, then give them back.  My older daughter was so bad with her iPod for awhile that I took it away then completely forgot where I put it for a month.  We finally found it on top of the refrigerator.  She puts it away immediately now when I ask her to, LOL.  

My advice is to let the punishment fit the crime, especially as she moves into her teen years (she's 11?).  That way the communication between the two of you stays open, and she never feels that she can't talk to you.

Lastly, does she have any free time that's just hers during the day?  Do the kids have a recess in the middle where they can 'turn off' for awhile?  If not, are there any activities she doesn't enjoy that could be cut out?  It's so important for everyone to just have some down time (mindless video games, reading, painting, whatever).  She may honestly need that, and feel that sneaking it in is her only option.


bluerooffarm
by Gold Member on Oct. 30, 2013 at 10:39 AM

 It sounds like it might be working!  It sounds like she is chaffing under the constant supervision.  I know it is so hard on you too, but if this gets her to understand exactly what it means when she breaks the trust you have built then it WILL be worth it!  Keep it up momma!  You are awesome!

bluerooffarm
by Gold Member on Oct. 30, 2013 at 10:40 AM

 Oh yeah, And the Lion looks awesome!!!

KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Oct. 30, 2013 at 10:56 AM

Yes, this is the hardest thing I've ever done.   I'm the kind of mom (person) that once I deal with something, I'm ready to pick up the pieces and just move on.  It is good on one hand, but it's really hard on following through with stuff when you forget the offense.



Quoting bluerooffarm:

 It sounds like it might be working!  It sounds like she is chaffing under the constant supervision.  I know it is so hard on you too, but if this gets her to understand exactly what it means when she breaks the trust you have built then it WILL be worth it!  Keep it up momma!  You are awesome!



bluerooffarm
by Gold Member on Oct. 30, 2013 at 11:08 AM

 There are so many personality changes I've had to make since becoming a mom...sigh.  I fought against having to sit with my kids till they fell asleep.  My 2 oldest were so great, I would lay them down all drowsy and they would just drift off.  Then Q came along.  That boy is phenomenal at keeping himself awake.  But I felt like I was punishing myself by sitting with him instead of spending time with my hubby.  I've rearranged my schedule so we spend our time together in the morning (I am NOT a morning person) and I sit with Q until he is asleep.  At first it was a chore.  Now, I see the benefits.  I am no longer making the trip back and forth, he doesn't have the power or opportunity to interupt his brothers' sleep, and he is usually sleeping earlier. 

If this works and you get to see the benefits, it will be worth it.  I wish I could snap my fingers and make your daughter understand the upheaval she causes in the family with her lying, but sadly, we can't do that.

Seriously, keep up the good work.

Quoting KrissyKC:

Yes, this is the hardest thing I've ever done.   I'm the kind of mom (person) that once I deal with something, I'm ready to pick up the pieces and just move on.  It is good on one hand, but it's really hard on following through with stuff when you forget the offense.

 

 

Quoting bluerooffarm:

 It sounds like it might be working!  It sounds like she is chaffing under the constant supervision.  I know it is so hard on you too, but if this gets her to understand exactly what it means when she breaks the trust you have built then it WILL be worth it!  Keep it up momma!  You are awesome!

 

 

 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)