Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Homeschooling Moms Homeschooling Moms

Mem and Blue.... I tried it your way, I think... (anyone else welcome)

Posted by   + Show Post

She did it again yesterday.    My younger daughter was itching to go ride her two wheeler (just learned), so I trusted the older one (Kaycee, the subject of our conversation) to study for her Bible Quizzing competition for 20-30 minutes while taking the younger one out.

She snuck on the internet and played games instead.   Which is actually a good thing because it gave me the opportunity to try parenting the way you suggested.   I'm sure I wasn't perfect about it and all, but here's what I did.

I went ahead and discussed trusting her to do what was expected and how she had the freedom to choose to obey or disobey.   Then, I spent the whole evening following her around and staying ontop of her.   She really hated it!   I kept nagging her to move faster.   Example, "I really don't want to have to watch you do such and such, so move it... double time.   You have the freedom to move at your own pace when you aren't wasting my time."   Then I would prod he rmore and more... not allowing her to sit down to fold socks, for example.  "Nope, sorry, you can match them faster standing up."   And I just stared openly at her... hard... (not angry stare, but a VERY CLOSE OBSERVANT stare)... she really disliked being treated that way.

Then, I put her to bed when the baby went to bed and explained that babies and toddlers go to bed early and the parents get to relax in the evening.  Since she was choosing to not act her age by refusing to do as asked, then she would be going to bed with the baby.   She has to sit by me all the time, and everything she does right now has to be supervised.

She HATES it.

Then, FFWd...

(there's more)..

Today, started out OK, we did school like normal, etc...  Then, while I was teaching her sister kindergarten (after having told them, finish science, math, and practice choir)... she put her school work away and started reading a book instead.   I failed to notice because the living room is somewhat attached to the kitchen/dining, but not entirely.   I began to cook while finishing up with kindy and taking care of baby... and I notice... hey... Kaycee is reading.

(really felt like hitting my head on the wall, but again.. .this is her pushing her boundaries...)

So, we started with the whole supervision thing all over again (really cracked down and made her rush through chores and such)...  She ended up not getting lunch before choir practice because of not having practiced choir by lunch time... and then didn't have time before having to leave for choir.   I intentionally had it ready and waiting, because it wasn't my fault, it was a consequence of having read instead of doing what was told.    

Also, later, when they got home, we had planned a night of halloween cartoons, pumpkin carving, etc...  I wouldn't let her use a knife.   I told her since I had to supervise her so much, that I wouldn't trust an irresponsible toddler with a knife, so therefore I guess she couldn't use one and that I would carver her pumpkin instead.   Again, I followed her all over the house while making her do chores, (double time and MY way instead of her own)... I gave her privacy to actually undress and get in the shower, but then I stood in the bathroom instructing her HOW to shower properly and quickly without dawdling... then gave her 1:30 seconds to get out and get dressed (giving her privacy again) and then supervised brushing her teeth... 

I felt like I was a prison guard.   Really, I hated it... it was terrible.   I think it was just as hard on me.

DH was taking care of the other kids, dishing up food and getting the movie up and ready... so I could focus on JUST her.    I even sat about six inches away from her while she ate and just stared.   If she slowed down, I would prompt her to keep eating or she could throw it away.   I know she had to be hungry.

Anyway, we ended up putting her to bed around 6:40...   Even an hour before the baby.   Again, I discussed that I really didn't like having to watch her so closely, but she was consistantly doing the exact opposite of what she is asked when our backs are turned.   I told her to get used to this because it wasn't going to just go away in the morning.   She cried hard over that one.

Here's some extra details...  Last summer, she shoplifted.    Later, she broke into the fenced back yard of a neighbors house because the 15 yr old brother of her friend convinced her to (while he tried to get into the back door)...  

We THOUGHT we dealt with each of these issues.   So I know this has to be effective.   If not, I'm really going to be in for a wild ride with this child, and I'm running out of options.

I say all this to say thank you ladies... I really hope this "well I guess you can't be trusted and must be constantly supervised" thing works...




 


by on Oct. 30, 2013 at 2:16 AM
Replies (21-25):
KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Oct. 30, 2013 at 6:12 PM
2 moms liked this

Awww... you are so sweet and so encouraging!!!   *sending a hug*    Thank you!!!



Quoting kirbymom:

Oh Krissy. This is such a tough time for you and your family. It's tough making decisions and coming up with solutions. You are in a tough place right now but even if all the things you decide may be the right solution to any particular problem turns out not to be, don't stop trying. Don't stop struggling. At least you ARE trying to help and trying to find a solution.
As for those who disagree with the solutions you are coming up with but guess what, it doesn't matter. They don't live with you. They do not know first hand what this situation is really like. They can only surmise the situation. You do what you feel/think may hold the answers and work. Who are we to "judge" what you do. I have had to come to this long awaited, hard fought for, thought process...."Can you do any better? Prove it then." "If not, close your mouth and walk away."
I see and feel your pain. btw - I have been there. Mire times than I care to count.



kirbymom
by Sonja on Oct. 30, 2013 at 6:34 PM
1 mom liked this
You're Welcome!

Well, we moms need to be sticking together and encouraging each other through our parenting not nit-picking, tearing each other down and judging one another just because we have different patenting views.
Love the hugs btw. :)



Quoting KrissyKC:

Awww... you are so sweet and so encouraging!!!   *sending a hug*    Thank you!!!


Quoting kirbymom:Oh Krissy. This is such a tough time for you and your family. It's tough making decisions and coming up with solutions. You are in a tough place right now but even if all the things you decide may be the right solution to any particular problem turns out not to be, don't stop trying. Don't stop struggling. At least you ARE trying to help and trying to find a solution.
As for those who disagree with the solutions you are coming up with but guess what, it doesn't matter. They don't live with you. They do not know first hand what this situation is really like. They can only surmise the situation. You do what you feel/think may hold the answers and work. Who are we to "judge" what you do. I have had to come to this long awaited, hard fought for, thought process...."Can you do any better? Prove it then." "If not, close your mouth and walk away."
I see and feel your pain. btw - I have been there. Mire times than I care to count.



Mandallyn
by Member on Nov. 2, 2013 at 12:43 PM
2 moms liked this
This doesn't sound healthy to me. As an adult we would not put our commitments before or own physical and psychological health. You are teaching her that her health matters less to you than her doing the chores/commitments you've signed her up for. I think you are pushing her too hard. If she's having trouble keeping up with your agenda, change the agenda. And I would do what TidewaterClan suggested and take her to a pediatric psychologist. If you get help now you may end up with an adult child you can be proud of.

Quoting KrissyKC:

Well, she signed a paper committing to practicing choir X amount of times per week, she had to practice it two times in a row before going to choir and she was aware and reminded of the responsibility.    She ignored her responsibility while I was teaching the kindy and making lunch.  

I made her lunch, but by the time she finished practicing choir, her Dad was ready to walk her out the door.  I didn't tell her she couldn't eat, but she just had no time after practice to eat.   It was still there when she got back and she didn't die in the less than 2 hours she was gone.   Didn't suddenly go into convultions or pass out either. 


Quoting Shirley0990:That's sickening. Did u skip lunch? She's a child. Let her eat.



Jenn8604
by Member on Nov. 2, 2013 at 12:56 PM
Obviously she needs to be treated like a baby since she is not responsible enough to do what she is supposed to.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
RockEducation
by on Nov. 2, 2013 at 12:56 PM
1 mom liked this

 Exactly.

 I have a strong-willed child. The two best pieces of advice my Mom gave me to help me raise my DD were:

1. Pick your battles wisely.

2. Talk To a child, not AT a child.

I also agree with TideWater, PurpleCupcake, and Mandy about taking her to a professional.

Has this child's period started yet? You stated that she is 11 years old.  Just another reason to keep the lines of communication  open. My DD's (10 1/2) period started earlier this year and it's been very tough (for my child) dealing with all of the hormonal & body changes.

I did see where you said that you had her lunch fixed, but there wasn't enough time to eat it. Does her behavior worsen when her blood sugar dips (hunger)? My DD (especially since going through puberty) can get upset quite easily if she gets hungry.

 

 

 

Quoting Caring-heartZ:

This! Freedom will help! Not a nagging mom!


Quoting PurpleCupcake:

This is what I wish someone had told me when my now 13 year old daughter was 10! 


Ok, first I would change up discipline strategy. Nagging and staying on top of her is only going to drive you insane! If she is caught doing something she is not supposed to be doing, take that  away for the day. Caught reading a book? Take the book away...don't nag and then choose to bed her to bed early for punishment. Didn't finish practice choir before lunch? Take the choir away, not the lunch. In essence, make the punishment fit the crime.  And you want the punishment to follow the crime immediately. If you can't take something away...use time outs instead. 10 to 15 minutes of staring at a wall does wonders sometimes. 


Next, use your built in mommy guilt power (you were given the gift when you had your first child). Instead of yelling, nagging, pulling your hair out....simply say..."I'm so disappointed in your behavior"...throw in a little silent treatment if necessary. 

Then negotiate...don't dictate. With the hair brushing problem. "I would like you to brush your hair twice a day, everyday"...."but I'm willing to negotiate, how about once a day in the morning?"    "I would like you to read more non fiction, but I know you like fiction. How about I pick a nonfiction then when you are finished you can pick what you like".

Make rules clear, simple and logical. Write them on a piece of paper on the refrigerator if you like. Explain the rules and why you made the rule. "No eating in the living room because I don't want a mess on the carpet". 

It really sounds like to me that this child craves control in her life. Which is why her behavior got worse when you took more control away. At that age they want independence and clearly defined boundaries. BUT...I get why youre hesitant because of her past mistakes. However, the simple truth is...that is how kids learn about boundaries, when they mess up. Unfortunately as moms we have to be quick to forgive and forget (I know, I know...that is hard to do!). 

Start giving her more freedom...She will like the taste if it and she will want more. Yes! She will lie again. She will mess up that freedom. Expect it, it is a guarantee. Give her a logical consequence and move on. I'm sure you have tried giving more freedom before, but when she messed up did she ever really get that freedom back?

Set reasonable limits

Be consistent

Reward good and bad behavior

Be patient (this will not get better overnight)

Use discussion & listen to/validate her opinions

At the end if the day relax, relax, relax. Take a bubble bath, read...do something. The more stressed you are, the more likely you are to react badly to her misbehaving. Cool, calm, collected.

 

Just my measly 2 cents. 

 


 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)