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Hissy Fit Husband (VENT)

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Prequel: My husband, wonderful man though he is, has a record of bottling resentment up and then letting it explode all over everything with no warning that anything was EVER wrong.  I know this about him.  I've been with him 20 years, married for 18.  However, I cannot read his mind when he's actively suppressing resentment that's never reared its head before.

This gets long...so feel free to skip past.

This is about what happened yesterday.  Background is a tad long...sorry but I'm trying to give a full picture.  (of how INSANELY SELFISH Dh is being)

Dh was recently let go from his job.  His unemployment has been denied (we're fighting it) he recently got pulled over (cop was nice enough to give him the least "serious" ticket) and our car has not been reliable for long distances for a couple of years now.  We've had to cash in our four oh one kaay which is enough to make us sustainable or sustain us...not both.  We've lived through worse.


Chibi is 13 and for a few years now she's had activities on every day of the week except one.  Before this year it was Thursday.  Now it's Monday.  She's on the YMCA Swim Club which is 4 practices a week.  She's been in Swim Club since she was 9 at one YMCA (we're about equidistant from all the Y's in the area) and when the 2011 season started she asked if she could swim more.  Since all our YMCA's are registered under the same team, it was no issue to check out another Y which she had been involved with in the past.  (We switched when she decided she didn't want to do gymnastics and wanted yoga instead, plus Homeschool Swim & Gym)  We decided that yes, this would be a good thing and it has been.

Chibi has Aspergers.  She swims like a fish and has recently (despite placing high in some big swim meets in the past...and also placing poorly for her patented "strolling through the water") completely made the connection about competing and racing.  She was AWESOME.  She's no Olympian, but she went all out, every race and did really really well.  I am INSANELY proud of her. (and thankfully, Grandpa pays her YMCA membership and I've gotten scholarships for this term so she can stay in)

In addition to Swim Club, she has Homeschool Co-op day (Also scholarships since it started right after he lost his job) that's so close to home we WALK, from 10-4:30 pm, Teen Art Studio (which is FREE) at the local not-for-profit art center (which she has been deeply involved in since she was SIX and spoke at a fundraiser when she was eleven...the only kid who wrote AND practiced her speech, btw) and JOAD (Junior Olympic Archery Development) Saturday mornings from 9-11:30 AM.


So, yesterday Dh wanted to see a movie.  At the moment, Chibi and I would rather do almost anything else (for different reasons).  And it should be noted here that because of circumstances, Chibi had to miss both Sunday and Tuesday swim practice.  So yesterday, being Wednesday (also a practice day) she was really antsy to get back in the pool.

Dh was sulky and I asked him what was wrong. (Big mistake...I should have just let him simmer and sulk,but sue me, I CARE.)  And he explodes all over the car, spewing resentment that our schedule is centered around Chibi and isn't that part of the reason we homeschool so we can do things (with what money and car, pray-tell because while he was working we were still doing paycheck to paycheck) and HIS parents always did what they wanted regardless of what their children wanted.  All this in front of Chibi.  He kept saying, "I'm not angry at you Chibi" like that makes a difference to a 13 year old Aspie girl. (I talked to her later)

He's been resentful for a few years, so he says.  I say, tough shit.  Chibi is only a child for so long, and you IDIOT, she can miss a few things if we want to go do something if we actually have the means with which to DO IT.  There hasn't been, not for like four years.  Seriously.  But being resentful because your child has an active social life (OMG she's part of a TEAM that's been AWESOME for her...she's making FRIENDS and growing, especially since she's aged out of several of her old activities.  And I'd totally call his bullshit on his parents except his mother is dead and his stepdad is worthless.

I went to public school...the same school from pre-school thru graduation.  My parents worked their asses off, and while they weren't perfect (some of the things my mother did still pisses me off) they STILL supported me in everything I did.  My dad had things he wanted to do other than work Band Bingo, but he did it...for me.  He went to every game of mine he could, and even some practices, (he was there for one of my finer moments when during a summer practice I dumped my coach on his ass) they were there for every play, every concert, everything they could manage.  Plus my two brother's stuff.  Now, we lived way in the middle of nowhere and sometimes I had to find a ride, and sometimes I had to wait an hour or two after a practice for a pick-up.  And sometimes in the mornings, my mother would take the phone off the hook so she wouldn't be disturbed.  Like I said.  Not perfect.

My long, long getting to the point is...Dh doesn't seem to understand that when we chose to have children, that YES OUR LIVES ARE GOING TO REVOLVE AROUND THAT CHILD TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.  But she can miss things, nobody will die, IF WE PLAN IN ADVANCE.  Frankly I hate leaving my house for any reason except Chibi needs to get to places.  (I have a chronic auto-immune disease and frankly it's exahusting along with dealing with depression, anxiety and the side effects from the treatment I WAS on, which was WORKING until we no longer had insurance.)  I take Chibi to everything, with the exception of JOAD which I make Dh take her to occasionally (which is where he got the ticket last week *sigh*).  And he got her into that.

With the exception of Tuesday, which is a LONG day, (Co-op from 10 AM to 4:30 PM, then Swim Club from 6-7:30 PM) there's PLENTY OF TIME to do things.  Oh, but not every other Saturday bc Dh RPG's with his friends.

So there's my long-assed vent about Dh's selfish bullshit.  He's resentful about Chibi's schedule, dating back so far when we've not had money OR transportation to do any of the things EITHER of us want to do.  Chibi is older now, her friends play an important role in her life and her activities, her routine is important to her.  I know he's upset about losing his job.  I get it. But I swear I almost decked him in the car for that explosion WITH CHIBI IN THE CAR.  INAPPROPRIATE, DUMBASS.  A fucking petulant child, I swear.


So...VENT OVER.  I'm not going to make Chibi give up her THREE WHOLE ACTIVITIES because he's a whiny baby. 

If you got this far, thanks.   Seriously.  I really needed to get this out bc he's also a passive-aggressive douchebag when it comes to disagreements and just walks off while I'm still trying to process his bullshit. I NEED to beat the dead horse in order to resolve shit like this.  It's just how I am, how I've always been, and arguments are not over just because he wants them to be over.

SHUTTING UP NOW.

by on Nov. 14, 2013 at 11:26 AM
Replies (11-20):
LoveShines99
by on Nov. 14, 2013 at 9:34 PM
You are seriously wanting to know why he bottles issues up? Because YOU HIT HIM!
Physical abuse is physical abuse no matter how you spin it. It's terrible that you seem to think you have a pass to hit your spouse because of your upbringing. Luckily, it sounds like he has enough RESPECT towards you and his daughter not to abuse you. Give your husband some time. He was asking to go see a movie. Get.over.it. He doesn't agree with the family schedule. Maybe talk to him about it. Let HIM have a say.

Frankly, I can't get over the fact you think physical abuse is justifiable. I'm blown away.

I'm new to this group and this is my first response. I'm pretty sure I'm deleting my account ASAP!


Quoting Tal0n:

Prequel: My husband, wonderful man though he is, has a record of bottling resentment up and then letting it explode all over everything with no warning that anything was EVER wrong.  I know this about him.  I've been with him 20 years, married for 18.  However, I cannot read his mind when he's actively suppressing resentment that's never reared its head before.

This gets long...so feel free to skip past.

This is about what happened yesterday.  Background is a tad long...sorry but I'm trying to give a full picture.  (of how INSANELY SELFISH Dh is being)

Dh was recently let go from his job.  His unemployment has been denied (we're fighting it) he recently got pulled over (cop was nice enough to give him the least "serious" ticket) and our car has not been reliable for long distances for a couple of years now.  We've had to cash in our four oh one kaay which is enough to make us sustainable or sustain us...not both.  We've lived through worse.


Chibi is 13 and for a few years now she's had activities on every day of the week except one.  Before this year it was Thursday.  Now it's Monday.  She's on the YMCA Swim Club which is 4 practices a week.  She's been in Swim Club since she was 9 at one YMCA (we're about equidistant from all the Y's in the area) and when the 2011 season started she asked if she could swim more.  Since all our YMCA's are registered under the same team, it was no issue to check out another Y which she had been involved with in the past.  (We switched when she decided she didn't want to do gymnastics and wanted yoga instead, plus Homeschool Swim & Gym)  We decided that yes, this would be a good thing and it has been.

Chibi has Aspergers.  She swims like a fish and has recently (despite placing high in some big swim meets in the past...and also placing poorly for her patented "strolling through the water") completely made the connection about competing and racing.  She was AWESOME.  She's no Olympian, but she went all out, every race and did really really well.  I am INSANELY proud of her. (and thankfully, Grandpa pays her YMCA membership and I've gotten scholarships for this term so she can stay in)

In addition to Swim Club, she has Homeschool Co-op day (Also scholarships since it started right after he lost his job) that's so close to home we WALK, from 10-4:30 pm, Teen Art Studio (which is FREE) at the local not-for-profit art center (which she has been deeply involved in since she was SIX and spoke at a fundraiser when she was eleven...the only kid who wrote AND practiced her speech, btw) and JOAD (Junior Olympic Archery Development) Saturday mornings from 9-11:30 AM.


So, yesterday Dh wanted to see a movie.  At the moment, Chibi and I would rather do almost anything else (for different reasons).  And it should be noted here that because of circumstances, Chibi had to miss both Sunday and Tuesday swim practice.  So yesterday, being Wednesday (also a practice day) she was really antsy to get back in the pool.

Dh was sulky and I asked him what was wrong. (Big mistake...I should have just let him simmer and sulk,but sue me, I CARE.)  And he explodes all over the car, spewing resentment that our schedule is centered around Chibi and isn't that part of the reason we homeschool so we can do things (with what money and car, pray-tell because while he was working we were still doing paycheck to paycheck) and HIS parents always did what they wanted regardless of what their children wanted.  All this in front of Chibi.  He kept saying, "I'm not angry at you Chibi" like that makes a difference to a 13 year old Aspie girl. (I talked to her later)

He's been resentful for a few years, so he says.  I say, tough shit.  Chibi is only a child for so long, and you IDIOT, she can miss a few things if we want to go do something if we actually have the means with which to DO IT.  There hasn't been, not for like four years.  Seriously.  But being resentful because your child has an active social life (OMG she's part of a TEAM that's been AWESOME for her...she's making FRIENDS and growing, especially since she's aged out of several of her old activities.  And I'd totally call his bullshit on his parents except his mother is dead and his stepdad is worthless.

I went to public school...the same school from pre-school thru graduation.  My parents worked their asses off, and while they weren't perfect (some of the things my mother did still pisses me off) they STILL supported me in everything I did.  My dad had things he wanted to do other than work Band Bingo, but he did it...for me.  He went to every game of mine he could, and even some practices, (he was there for one of my finer moments when during a summer practice I dumped my coach on his ass) they were there for every play, every concert, everything they could manage.  Plus my two brother's stuff.  Now, we lived way in the middle of nowhere and sometimes I had to find a ride, and sometimes I had to wait an hour or two after a practice for a pick-up.  And sometimes in the mornings, my mother would take the phone off the hook so she wouldn't be disturbed.  Like I said.  Not perfect.

My long, long getting to the point is...Dh doesn't seem to understand that when we chose to have children, that YES OUR LIVES ARE GOING TO REVOLVE AROUND THAT CHILD TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.  But she can miss things, nobody will die, IF WE PLAN IN ADVANCE.  Frankly I hate leaving my house for any reason except Chibi needs to get to places.  (I have a chronic auto-immune disease and frankly it's exahusting along with dealing with depression, anxiety and the side effects from the treatment I WAS on, which was WORKING until we no longer had insurance.)  I take Chibi to everything, with the exception of JOAD which I make Dh take her to occasionally (which is where he got the ticket last week *sigh*).  And he got her into that.

With the exception of Tuesday, which is a LONG day, (Co-op from 10 AM to 4:30 PM, then Swim Club from 6-7:30 PM) there's PLENTY OF TIME to do things.  Oh, but not every other Saturday bc Dh RPG's with his friends.

So there's my long-assed vent about Dh's selfish bullshit.  He's resentful about Chibi's schedule, dating back so far when we've not had money OR transportation to do any of the things EITHER of us want to do.  Chibi is older now, her friends play an important role in her life and her activities, her routine is important to her.  I know he's upset about losing his job.  I get it. But I swear I almost decked him in the car for that explosion WITH CHIBI IN THE CAR.  INAPPROPRIATE, DUMBASS.  A fucking petulant child, I swear.


So...VENT OVER.  I'm not going to make Chibi give up her THREE WHOLE ACTIVITIES because he's a whiny baby. 

If you got this far, thanks.   Seriously.  I really needed to get this out bc he's also a passive-aggressive douchebag when it comes to disagreements and just walks off while I'm still trying to process his bullshit. I NEED to beat the dead horse in order to resolve shit like this.  It's just how I am, how I've always been, and arguments are not over just because he wants them to be over.

SHUTTING UP NOW.


debramommyof4
by Silver Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 9:40 PM
1 mom liked this

 If you are still around, she did not hit him.  She wanted to.

I am pretty sure none of us agree with physical abuse.  I would have wanted to punch my husband also.  And while I may say I would, unless I am extremely horomonal and pregnant I have never hit him and never would.  And even then when I did hit him I had tried to get away from him first and he grabbed me and would not let go. 

I am sorry you are upset by this post.

Quoting LoveShines99:

You are seriously wanting to know why he bottles issues up? Because YOU HIT HIM!
Physical abuse is physical abuse no matter how you spin it. It's terrible that you seem to think you have a pass to hit your spouse because of your upbringing. Luckily, it sounds like he has enough RESPECT towards you and his daughter not to abuse you. Give your husband some time. He was asking to go see a movie. Get.over.it. He doesn't agree with the family schedule. Maybe talk to him about it. Let HIM have a say.

Frankly, I can't get over the fact you think physical abuse is justifiable. I'm blown away.

I'm new to this group and this is my first response. I'm pretty sure I'm deleting my account ASAP!


Quoting Tal0n:

Prequel: My husband, wonderful man though he is, has a record of bottling resentment up and then letting it explode all over everything with no warning that anything was EVER wrong.  I know this about him.  I've been with him 20 years, married for 18.  However, I cannot read his mind when he's actively suppressing resentment that's never reared its head before.

This gets long...so feel free to skip past.

This is about what happened yesterday.  Background is a tad long...sorry but I'm trying to give a full picture.  (of how INSANELY SELFISH Dh is being)

Dh was recently let go from his job.  His unemployment has been denied (we're fighting it) he recently got pulled over (cop was nice enough to give him the least "serious" ticket) and our car has not been reliable for long distances for a couple of years now.  We've had to cash in our four oh one kaay which is enough to make us sustainable or sustain us...not both.  We've lived through worse.

 

Chibi is 13 and for a few years now she's had activities on every day of the week except one.  Before this year it was Thursday.  Now it's Monday.  She's on the YMCA Swim Club which is 4 practices a week.  She's been in Swim Club since she was 9 at one YMCA (we're about equidistant from all the Y's in the area) and when the 2011 season started she asked if she could swim more.  Since all our YMCA's are registered under the same team, it was no issue to check out another Y which she had been involved with in the past.  (We switched when she decided she didn't want to do gymnastics and wanted yoga instead, plus Homeschool Swim & Gym)  We decided that yes, this would be a good thing and it has been.

Chibi has Aspergers.  She swims like a fish and has recently (despite placing high in some big swim meets in the past...and also placing poorly for her patented "strolling through the water") completely made the connection about competing and racing.  She was AWESOME.  She's no Olympian, but she went all out, every race and did really really well.  I am INSANELY proud of her. (and thankfully, Grandpa pays her YMCA membership and I've gotten scholarships for this term so she can stay in)

In addition to Swim Club, she has Homeschool Co-op day (Also scholarships since it started right after he lost his job) that's so close to home we WALK, from 10-4:30 pm, Teen Art Studio (which is FREE) at the local not-for-profit art center (which she has been deeply involved in since she was SIX and spoke at a fundraiser when she was eleven...the only kid who wrote AND practiced her speech, btw) and JOAD (Junior Olympic Archery Development) Saturday mornings from 9-11:30 AM.

 

So, yesterday Dh wanted to see a movie.  At the moment, Chibi and I would rather do almost anything else (for different reasons).  And it should be noted here that because of circumstances, Chibi had to miss both Sunday and Tuesday swim practice.  So yesterday, being Wednesday (also a practice day) she was really antsy to get back in the pool.

Dh was sulky and I asked him what was wrong. (Big mistake...I should have just let him simmer and sulk,but sue me, I CARE.)  And he explodes all over the car, spewing resentment that our schedule is centered around Chibi and isn't that part of the reason we homeschool so we can do things (with what money and car, pray-tell because while he was working we were still doing paycheck to paycheck) and HIS parents always did what they wanted regardless of what their children wanted.  All this in front of Chibi.  He kept saying, "I'm not angry at you Chibi" like that makes a difference to a 13 year old Aspie girl. (I talked to her later)

He's been resentful for a few years, so he says.  I say, tough shit.  Chibi is only a child for so long, and you IDIOT, she can miss a few things if we want to go do something if we actually have the means with which to DO IT.  There hasn't been, not for like four years.  Seriously.  But being resentful because your child has an active social life (OMG she's part of a TEAM that's been AWESOME for her...she's making FRIENDS and growing, especially since she's aged out of several of her old activities.  And I'd totally call his bullshit on his parents except his mother is dead and his stepdad is worthless.

I went to public school...the same school from pre-school thru graduation.  My parents worked their asses off, and while they weren't perfect (some of the things my mother did still pisses me off) they STILL supported me in everything I did.  My dad had things he wanted to do other than work Band Bingo, but he did it...for me.  He went to every game of mine he could, and even some practices, (he was there for one of my finer moments when during a summer practice I dumped my coach on his ass) they were there for every play, every concert, everything they could manage.  Plus my two brother's stuff.  Now, we lived way in the middle of nowhere and sometimes I had to find a ride, and sometimes I had to wait an hour or two after a practice for a pick-up.  And sometimes in the mornings, my mother would take the phone off the hook so she wouldn't be disturbed.  Like I said.  Not perfect.

My long, long getting to the point is...Dh doesn't seem to understand that when we chose to have children, that YES OUR LIVES ARE GOING TO REVOLVE AROUND THAT CHILD TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.  But she can miss things, nobody will die, IF WE PLAN IN ADVANCE.  Frankly I hate leaving my house for any reason except Chibi needs to get to places.  (I have a chronic auto-immune disease and frankly it's exahusting along with dealing with depression, anxiety and the side effects from the treatment I WAS on, which was WORKING until we no longer had insurance.)  I take Chibi to everything, with the exception of JOAD which I make Dh take her to occasionally (which is where he got the ticket last week *sigh*).  And he got her into that.

With the exception of Tuesday, which is a LONG day, (Co-op from 10 AM to 4:30 PM, then Swim Club from 6-7:30 PM) there's PLENTY OF TIME to do things.  Oh, but not every other Saturday bc Dh RPG's with his friends.

So there's my long-assed vent about Dh's selfish bullshit.  He's resentful about Chibi's schedule, dating back so far when we've not had money OR transportation to do any of the things EITHER of us want to do.  Chibi is older now, her friends play an important role in her life and her activities, her routine is important to her.  I know he's upset about losing his job.  I get it. But I swear I almost decked him in the car for that explosion WITH CHIBI IN THE CAR.  INAPPROPRIATE, DUMBASS.  A fucking petulant child, I swear.

 

So...VENT OVER.  I'm not going to make Chibi give up her THREE WHOLE ACTIVITIES because he's a whiny baby. 

If you got this far, thanks.   Seriously.  I really needed to get this out bc he's also a passive-aggressive douchebag when it comes to disagreements and just walks off while I'm still trying to process his bullshit. I NEED to beat the dead horse in order to resolve shit like this.  It's just how I am, how I've always been, and arguments are not over just because he wants them to be over.

SHUTTING UP NOW.


 

Tal0n
by Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 10:21 PM

Um...I DON'T.  I don't hit him, and I don't find it justifiable.  I never said ANYWHERE that I did.  I may WANT to deck him from time to time, but I DON'T.  BECAUSE IT WOULD BE WRONG.

We've been MARRIED FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS.

Maybe you HAD better delete your account if you can't read.  This is a homeschooling group.  Fucking hell, climb off your high horse before you get a nosebleed.


Quoting LoveShines99:

You are seriously wanting to know why he bottles issues up? Because YOU HIT HIM!
Physical abuse is physical abuse no matter how you spin it. It's terrible that you seem to think you have a pass to hit your spouse because of your upbringing. Luckily, it sounds like he has enough RESPECT towards you and his daughter not to abuse you. Give your husband some time. He was asking to go see a movie. Get.over.it. He doesn't agree with the family schedule. Maybe talk to him about it. Let HIM have a say.

Frankly, I can't get over the fact you think physical abuse is justifiable. I'm blown away.

I'm new to this group and this is my first response. I'm pretty sure I'm deleting my account ASAP!


Quoting Tal0n:

Prequel: My husband, wonderful man though he is, has a record of bottling resentment up and then letting it explode all over everything with no warning that anything was EVER wrong.  I know this about him.  I've been with him 20 years, married for 18.  However, I cannot read his mind when he's actively suppressing resentment that's never reared its head before.

This gets long...so feel free to skip past.

This is about what happened yesterday.  Background is a tad long...sorry but I'm trying to give a full picture.  (of how INSANELY SELFISH Dh is being)

Dh was recently let go from his job.  His unemployment has been denied (we're fighting it) he recently got pulled over (cop was nice enough to give him the least "serious" ticket) and our car has not been reliable for long distances for a couple of years now.  We've had to cash in our four oh one kaay which is enough to make us sustainable or sustain us...not both.  We've lived through worse.


Chibi is 13 and for a few years now she's had activities on every day of the week except one.  Before this year it was Thursday.  Now it's Monday.  She's on the YMCA Swim Club which is 4 practices a week.  She's been in Swim Club since she was 9 at one YMCA (we're about equidistant from all the Y's in the area) and when the 2011 season started she asked if she could swim more.  Since all our YMCA's are registered under the same team, it was no issue to check out another Y which she had been involved with in the past.  (We switched when she decided she didn't want to do gymnastics and wanted yoga instead, plus Homeschool Swim & Gym)  We decided that yes, this would be a good thing and it has been.

Chibi has Aspergers.  She swims like a fish and has recently (despite placing high in some big swim meets in the past...and also placing poorly for her patented "strolling through the water") completely made the connection about competing and racing.  She was AWESOME.  She's no Olympian, but she went all out, every race and did really really well.  I am INSANELY proud of her. (and thankfully, Grandpa pays her YMCA membership and I've gotten scholarships for this term so she can stay in)

In addition to Swim Club, she has Homeschool Co-op day (Also scholarships since it started right after he lost his job) that's so close to home we WALK, from 10-4:30 pm, Teen Art Studio (which is FREE) at the local not-for-profit art center (which she has been deeply involved in since she was SIX and spoke at a fundraiser when she was eleven...the only kid who wrote AND practiced her speech, btw) and JOAD (Junior Olympic Archery Development) Saturday mornings from 9-11:30 AM.


So, yesterday Dh wanted to see a movie.  At the moment, Chibi and I would rather do almost anything else (for different reasons).  And it should be noted here that because of circumstances, Chibi had to miss both Sunday and Tuesday swim practice.  So yesterday, being Wednesday (also a practice day) she was really antsy to get back in the pool.

Dh was sulky and I asked him what was wrong. (Big mistake...I should have just let him simmer and sulk,but sue me, I CARE.)  And he explodes all over the car, spewing resentment that our schedule is centered around Chibi and isn't that part of the reason we homeschool so we can do things (with what money and car, pray-tell because while he was working we were still doing paycheck to paycheck) and HIS parents always did what they wanted regardless of what their children wanted.  All this in front of Chibi.  He kept saying, "I'm not angry at you Chibi" like that makes a difference to a 13 year old Aspie girl. (I talked to her later)

He's been resentful for a few years, so he says.  I say, tough shit.  Chibi is only a child for so long, and you IDIOT, she can miss a few things if we want to go do something if we actually have the means with which to DO IT.  There hasn't been, not for like four years.  Seriously.  But being resentful because your child has an active social life (OMG she's part of a TEAM that's been AWESOME for her...she's making FRIENDS and growing, especially since she's aged out of several of her old activities.  And I'd totally call his bullshit on his parents except his mother is dead and his stepdad is worthless.

I went to public school...the same school from pre-school thru graduation.  My parents worked their asses off, and while they weren't perfect (some of the things my mother did still pisses me off) they STILL supported me in everything I did.  My dad had things he wanted to do other than work Band Bingo, but he did it...for me.  He went to every game of mine he could, and even some practices, (he was there for one of my finer moments when during a summer practice I dumped my coach on his ass) they were there for every play, every concert, everything they could manage.  Plus my two brother's stuff.  Now, we lived way in the middle of nowhere and sometimes I had to find a ride, and sometimes I had to wait an hour or two after a practice for a pick-up.  And sometimes in the mornings, my mother would take the phone off the hook so she wouldn't be disturbed.  Like I said.  Not perfect.

My long, long getting to the point is...Dh doesn't seem to understand that when we chose to have children, that YES OUR LIVES ARE GOING TO REVOLVE AROUND THAT CHILD TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.  But she can miss things, nobody will die, IF WE PLAN IN ADVANCE.  Frankly I hate leaving my house for any reason except Chibi needs to get to places.  (I have a chronic auto-immune disease and frankly it's exahusting along with dealing with depression, anxiety and the side effects from the treatment I WAS on, which was WORKING until we no longer had insurance.)  I take Chibi to everything, with the exception of JOAD which I make Dh take her to occasionally (which is where he got the ticket last week *sigh*).  And he got her into that.

With the exception of Tuesday, which is a LONG day, (Co-op from 10 AM to 4:30 PM, then Swim Club from 6-7:30 PM) there's PLENTY OF TIME to do things.  Oh, but not every other Saturday bc Dh RPG's with his friends.

So there's my long-assed vent about Dh's selfish bullshit.  He's resentful about Chibi's schedule, dating back so far when we've not had money OR transportation to do any of the things EITHER of us want to do.  Chibi is older now, her friends play an important role in her life and her activities, her routine is important to her.  I know he's upset about losing his job.  I get it. But I swear I almost decked him in the car for that explosion WITH CHIBI IN THE CAR.  INAPPROPRIATE, DUMBASS.  A fucking petulant child, I swear.


So...VENT OVER.  I'm not going to make Chibi give up her THREE WHOLE ACTIVITIES because he's a whiny baby. 

If you got this far, thanks.   Seriously.  I really needed to get this out bc he's also a passive-aggressive douchebag when it comes to disagreements and just walks off while I'm still trying to process his bullshit. I NEED to beat the dead horse in order to resolve shit like this.  It's just how I am, how I've always been, and arguments are not over just because he wants them to be over.

SHUTTING UP NOW.




Tal0n
by Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 10:26 PM

Seriously!!  And even the hitting I was talking about before in the deal we made wasn't like I was slapping him or decking him or anything like that!!  It was not a good thing for me to respond physically to verbal banter and it also was not a good thing for him to call me "stupid". (Which, btw, is VERBAL ABUSE.)  This was when we were still dating ffs!!  We established respectful BOUNDRIES.

Yeah, I still want to deck him sometimes...I'm HUMAN.  So is he.  We get on each other's last nerve sometimes!  Crimney!


Quoting debramommyof4:

 If you are still around, she did not hit him.  She wanted to.

I am pretty sure none of us agree with physical abuse.  I would have wanted to punch my husband also.  And while I may say I would, unless I am extremely horomonal and pregnant I have never hit him and never would.  And even then when I did hit him I had tried to get away from him first and he grabbed me and would not let go. 

I am sorry you are upset by this post.

Quoting LoveShines99:

You are seriously wanting to know why he bottles issues up? Because YOU HIT HIM!
Physical abuse is physical abuse no matter how you spin it. It's terrible that you seem to think you have a pass to hit your spouse because of your upbringing. Luckily, it sounds like he has enough RESPECT towards you and his daughter not to abuse you. Give your husband some time. He was asking to go see a movie. Get.over.it. He doesn't agree with the family schedule. Maybe talk to him about it. Let HIM have a say.

Frankly, I can't get over the fact you think physical abuse is justifiable. I'm blown away.

I'm new to this group and this is my first response. I'm pretty sure I'm deleting my account ASAP!


Quoting Tal0n:

Prequel: My husband, wonderful man though he is, has a record of bottling resentment up and then letting it explode all over everything with no warning that anything was EVER wrong.  I know this about him.  I've been with him 20 years, married for 18.  However, I cannot read his mind when he's actively suppressing resentment that's never reared its head before.

This gets long...so feel free to skip past.

This is about what happened yesterday.  Background is a tad long...sorry but I'm trying to give a full picture.  (of how INSANELY SELFISH Dh is being)

Dh was recently let go from his job.  His unemployment has been denied (we're fighting it) he recently got pulled over (cop was nice enough to give him the least "serious" ticket) and our car has not been reliable for long distances for a couple of years now.  We've had to cash in our four oh one kaay which is enough to make us sustainable or sustain us...not both.  We've lived through worse.


Chibi is 13 and for a few years now she's had activities on every day of the week except one.  Before this year it was Thursday.  Now it's Monday.  She's on the YMCA Swim Club which is 4 practices a week.  She's been in Swim Club since she was 9 at one YMCA (we're about equidistant from all the Y's in the area) and when the 2011 season started she asked if she could swim more.  Since all our YMCA's are registered under the same team, it was no issue to check out another Y which she had been involved with in the past.  (We switched when she decided she didn't want to do gymnastics and wanted yoga instead, plus Homeschool Swim & Gym)  We decided that yes, this would be a good thing and it has been.

Chibi has Aspergers.  She swims like a fish and has recently (despite placing high in some big swim meets in the past...and also placing poorly for her patented "strolling through the water") completely made the connection about competing and racing.  She was AWESOME.  She's no Olympian, but she went all out, every race and did really really well.  I am INSANELY proud of her. (and thankfully, Grandpa pays her YMCA membership and I've gotten scholarships for this term so she can stay in)

In addition to Swim Club, she has Homeschool Co-op day (Also scholarships since it started right after he lost his job) that's so close to home we WALK, from 10-4:30 pm, Teen Art Studio (which is FREE) at the local not-for-profit art center (which she has been deeply involved in since she was SIX and spoke at a fundraiser when she was eleven...the only kid who wrote AND practiced her speech, btw) and JOAD (Junior Olympic Archery Development) Saturday mornings from 9-11:30 AM.


So, yesterday Dh wanted to see a movie.  At the moment, Chibi and I would rather do almost anything else (for different reasons).  And it should be noted here that because of circumstances, Chibi had to miss both Sunday and Tuesday swim practice.  So yesterday, being Wednesday (also a practice day) she was really antsy to get back in the pool.

Dh was sulky and I asked him what was wrong. (Big mistake...I should have just let him simmer and sulk,but sue me, I CARE.)  And he explodes all over the car, spewing resentment that our schedule is centered around Chibi and isn't that part of the reason we homeschool so we can do things (with what money and car, pray-tell because while he was working we were still doing paycheck to paycheck) and HIS parents always did what they wanted regardless of what their children wanted.  All this in front of Chibi.  He kept saying, "I'm not angry at you Chibi" like that makes a difference to a 13 year old Aspie girl. (I talked to her later)

He's been resentful for a few years, so he says.  I say, tough shit.  Chibi is only a child for so long, and you IDIOT, she can miss a few things if we want to go do something if we actually have the means with which to DO IT.  There hasn't been, not for like four years.  Seriously.  But being resentful because your child has an active social life (OMG she's part of a TEAM that's been AWESOME for her...she's making FRIENDS and growing, especially since she's aged out of several of her old activities.  And I'd totally call his bullshit on his parents except his mother is dead and his stepdad is worthless.

I went to public school...the same school from pre-school thru graduation.  My parents worked their asses off, and while they weren't perfect (some of the things my mother did still pisses me off) they STILL supported me in everything I did.  My dad had things he wanted to do other than work Band Bingo, but he did it...for me.  He went to every game of mine he could, and even some practices, (he was there for one of my finer moments when during a summer practice I dumped my coach on his ass) they were there for every play, every concert, everything they could manage.  Plus my two brother's stuff.  Now, we lived way in the middle of nowhere and sometimes I had to find a ride, and sometimes I had to wait an hour or two after a practice for a pick-up.  And sometimes in the mornings, my mother would take the phone off the hook so she wouldn't be disturbed.  Like I said.  Not perfect.

My long, long getting to the point is...Dh doesn't seem to understand that when we chose to have children, that YES OUR LIVES ARE GOING TO REVOLVE AROUND THAT CHILD TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.  But she can miss things, nobody will die, IF WE PLAN IN ADVANCE.  Frankly I hate leaving my house for any reason except Chibi needs to get to places.  (I have a chronic auto-immune disease and frankly it's exahusting along with dealing with depression, anxiety and the side effects from the treatment I WAS on, which was WORKING until we no longer had insurance.)  I take Chibi to everything, with the exception of JOAD which I make Dh take her to occasionally (which is where he got the ticket last week *sigh*).  And he got her into that.

With the exception of Tuesday, which is a LONG day, (Co-op from 10 AM to 4:30 PM, then Swim Club from 6-7:30 PM) there's PLENTY OF TIME to do things.  Oh, but not every other Saturday bc Dh RPG's with his friends.

So there's my long-assed vent about Dh's selfish bullshit.  He's resentful about Chibi's schedule, dating back so far when we've not had money OR transportation to do any of the things EITHER of us want to do.  Chibi is older now, her friends play an important role in her life and her activities, her routine is important to her.  I know he's upset about losing his job.  I get it. But I swear I almost decked him in the car for that explosion WITH CHIBI IN THE CAR.  INAPPROPRIATE, DUMBASS.  A fucking petulant child, I swear.


So...VENT OVER.  I'm not going to make Chibi give up her THREE WHOLE ACTIVITIES because he's a whiny baby. 

If you got this far, thanks.   Seriously.  I really needed to get this out bc he's also a passive-aggressive douchebag when it comes to disagreements and just walks off while I'm still trying to process his bullshit. I NEED to beat the dead horse in order to resolve shit like this.  It's just how I am, how I've always been, and arguments are not over just because he wants them to be over.

SHUTTING UP NOW.


 



debramommyof4
by Silver Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 10:33 PM
1 mom liked this

 It happens.  My husband and I do love taps.  I will smack his shoulder when he and I are playing and vice versa, but never to hurt and not hard at all.   But we do not get more physical and the kids see our relationship as loving and fun. 

Quoting Tal0n:

Seriously!!  And even the hitting I was talking about before in the deal we made wasn't like I was slapping him or decking him or anything like that!!  It was not a good thing for me to respond physically to verbal banter and it also was not a good thing for him to call me "stupid". (Which, btw, is VERBAL ABUSE.)  This was when we were still dating ffs!!  We established respectful BOUNDRIES.

Yeah, I still want to deck him sometimes...I'm HUMAN.  So is he.  We get on each other's last nerve sometimes!  Crimney!

 

Quoting debramommyof4:

 If you are still around, she did not hit him.  She wanted to.

I am pretty sure none of us agree with physical abuse.  I would have wanted to punch my husband also.  And while I may say I would, unless I am extremely horomonal and pregnant I have never hit him and never would.  And even then when I did hit him I had tried to get away from him first and he grabbed me and would not let go. 

I am sorry you are upset by this post.

Quoting LoveShines99:

You are seriously wanting to know why he bottles issues up? Because YOU HIT HIM!
Physical abuse is physical abuse no matter how you spin it. It's terrible that you seem to think you have a pass to hit your spouse because of your upbringing. Luckily, it sounds like he has enough RESPECT towards you and his daughter not to abuse you. Give your husband some time. He was asking to go see a movie. Get.over.it. He doesn't agree with the family schedule. Maybe talk to him about it. Let HIM have a say.

Frankly, I can't get over the fact you think physical abuse is justifiable. I'm blown away.

I'm new to this group and this is my first response. I'm pretty sure I'm deleting my account ASAP!


Quoting Tal0n:

Prequel: My husband, wonderful man though he is, has a record of bottling resentment up and then letting it explode all over everything with no warning that anything was EVER wrong.  I know this about him.  I've been with him 20 years, married for 18.  However, I cannot read his mind when he's actively suppressing resentment that's never reared its head before.

This gets long...so feel free to skip past.

This is about what happened yesterday.  Background is a tad long...sorry but I'm trying to give a full picture.  (of how INSANELY SELFISH Dh is being)

Dh was recently let go from his job.  His unemployment has been denied (we're fighting it) he recently got pulled over (cop was nice enough to give him the least "serious" ticket) and our car has not been reliable for long distances for a couple of years now.  We've had to cash in our four oh one kaay which is enough to make us sustainable or sustain us...not both.  We've lived through worse.

 

Chibi is 13 and for a few years now she's had activities on every day of the week except one.  Before this year it was Thursday.  Now it's Monday.  She's on the YMCA Swim Club which is 4 practices a week.  She's been in Swim Club since she was 9 at one YMCA (we're about equidistant from all the Y's in the area) and when the 2011 season started she asked if she could swim more.  Since all our YMCA's are registered under the same team, it was no issue to check out another Y which she had been involved with in the past.  (We switched when she decided she didn't want to do gymnastics and wanted yoga instead, plus Homeschool Swim & Gym)  We decided that yes, this would be a good thing and it has been.

Chibi has Aspergers.  She swims like a fish and has recently (despite placing high in some big swim meets in the past...and also placing poorly for her patented "strolling through the water") completely made the connection about competing and racing.  She was AWESOME.  She's no Olympian, but she went all out, every race and did really really well.  I am INSANELY proud of her. (and thankfully, Grandpa pays her YMCA membership and I've gotten scholarships for this term so she can stay in)

In addition to Swim Club, she has Homeschool Co-op day (Also scholarships since it started right after he lost his job) that's so close to home we WALK, from 10-4:30 pm, Teen Art Studio (which is FREE) at the local not-for-profit art center (which she has been deeply involved in since she was SIX and spoke at a fundraiser when she was eleven...the only kid who wrote AND practiced her speech, btw) and JOAD (Junior Olympic Archery Development) Saturday mornings from 9-11:30 AM.

 

So, yesterday Dh wanted to see a movie.  At the moment, Chibi and I would rather do almost anything else (for different reasons).  And it should be noted here that because of circumstances, Chibi had to miss both Sunday and Tuesday swim practice.  So yesterday, being Wednesday (also a practice day) she was really antsy to get back in the pool.

Dh was sulky and I asked him what was wrong. (Big mistake...I should have just let him simmer and sulk,but sue me, I CARE.)  And he explodes all over the car, spewing resentment that our schedule is centered around Chibi and isn't that part of the reason we homeschool so we can do things (with what money and car, pray-tell because while he was working we were still doing paycheck to paycheck) and HIS parents always did what they wanted regardless of what their children wanted.  All this in front of Chibi.  He kept saying, "I'm not angry at you Chibi" like that makes a difference to a 13 year old Aspie girl. (I talked to her later)

He's been resentful for a few years, so he says.  I say, tough shit.  Chibi is only a child for so long, and you IDIOT, she can miss a few things if we want to go do something if we actually have the means with which to DO IT.  There hasn't been, not for like four years.  Seriously.  But being resentful because your child has an active social life (OMG she's part of a TEAM that's been AWESOME for her...she's making FRIENDS and growing, especially since she's aged out of several of her old activities.  And I'd totally call his bullshit on his parents except his mother is dead and his stepdad is worthless.

I went to public school...the same school from pre-school thru graduation.  My parents worked their asses off, and while they weren't perfect (some of the things my mother did still pisses me off) they STILL supported me in everything I did.  My dad had things he wanted to do other than work Band Bingo, but he did it...for me.  He went to every game of mine he could, and even some practices, (he was there for one of my finer moments when during a summer practice I dumped my coach on his ass) they were there for every play, every concert, everything they could manage.  Plus my two brother's stuff.  Now, we lived way in the middle of nowhere and sometimes I had to find a ride, and sometimes I had to wait an hour or two after a practice for a pick-up.  And sometimes in the mornings, my mother would take the phone off the hook so she wouldn't be disturbed.  Like I said.  Not perfect.

My long, long getting to the point is...Dh doesn't seem to understand that when we chose to have children, that YES OUR LIVES ARE GOING TO REVOLVE AROUND THAT CHILD TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.  But she can miss things, nobody will die, IF WE PLAN IN ADVANCE.  Frankly I hate leaving my house for any reason except Chibi needs to get to places.  (I have a chronic auto-immune disease and frankly it's exahusting along with dealing with depression, anxiety and the side effects from the treatment I WAS on, which was WORKING until we no longer had insurance.)  I take Chibi to everything, with the exception of JOAD which I make Dh take her to occasionally (which is where he got the ticket last week *sigh*).  And he got her into that.

With the exception of Tuesday, which is a LONG day, (Co-op from 10 AM to 4:30 PM, then Swim Club from 6-7:30 PM) there's PLENTY OF TIME to do things.  Oh, but not every other Saturday bc Dh RPG's with his friends.

So there's my long-assed vent about Dh's selfish bullshit.  He's resentful about Chibi's schedule, dating back so far when we've not had money OR transportation to do any of the things EITHER of us want to do.  Chibi is older now, her friends play an important role in her life and her activities, her routine is important to her.  I know he's upset about losing his job.  I get it. But I swear I almost decked him in the car for that explosion WITH CHIBI IN THE CAR.  INAPPROPRIATE, DUMBASS.  A fucking petulant child, I swear.

 

So...VENT OVER.  I'm not going to make Chibi give up her THREE WHOLE ACTIVITIES because he's a whiny baby. 

If you got this far, thanks.   Seriously.  I really needed to get this out bc he's also a passive-aggressive douchebag when it comes to disagreements and just walks off while I'm still trying to process his bullshit. I NEED to beat the dead horse in order to resolve shit like this.  It's just how I am, how I've always been, and arguments are not over just because he wants them to be over.

SHUTTING UP NOW.


 

 

 

 

Tal0n
by Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 11:04 PM
1 mom liked this

I appreciate the advice, honestly.  It's good advice, and something I'd tell someone else in the same situation.  I also thank you most sincerely for good parent's plug.  Cause that's something parents can't hear enough of, especially when they feel like they're up to their eyeballs in ick.

But I do ask him, for all the good it does. I do not enjoy the buildup-blowups. Because I've known him twenty years I do check in with him.  He won't always own up to his emotions and I can't make him.  We've talked about this issue, many, many times.  Sooooo many times.  Because I got so tired of being blindsided by something I wasn't aware was an issue.  I can't make it NOT an issue if he won't talk about it.  But he doesn't like to talk.  He doesn't like to talk about our son who died, though he listens when I do, (it's not like he denies his existence or anything; he just has a different way of dealing with grief than I do and I bless our former primary care doctor for getting us into counseling together after Rhys died.) he doesn't like to think about things that upset him and he will not talk about something if he's completely blocking it.  He gets very defensive and passive aggressive.

Let me give you an example: He was gaming with his friends while his mother was dying.  We live in MI, she lived in FL with his sister.  His sister kept calling me, I kept calling him, and he was upset, but he was blocking so hard, his responses to me were, "What can I do about it from here?  Nothing."  I pointed out that he could be support for his sister, but couldn't get through the blocking.  FIVE YEARS LATER he realizes he handled that completely wrong and that I was right and he was sorry.

I know how he feels about the situation; we've been here before.  I know it SUCKS.  It sucks because we've done all the right things, and he works hard. He worked full time and went to school, got two degrees, is an excellent worker and employee (I ought to know; we met at work) and feels like a failure because he can't support his family.  And I do my best to help him deal in ways I know he deals.  But I also have to keep things going for Chibi, because if I don't do it, it don't get done.

And the major issue I have with this particular hissy fit is not his years build up of "resentment" (which I think is a crock...I'm pretty sure this is more about him losing his job and depression than anything else but again...he's not depressed, or if he is, it's not an issue, just ask him) but that he decided it was okay to let loose in the car about how unhappy he is with Chibi's schedule...with Chibi in the backseat.

I'm not okay with that.

But we'll deal and that's part of why I posted here, because I need to vent, and we cannot discuss this without fighting.  Because he will get defensive, and I'll pissed about that, because I just need to hash it out so I can get it right in my brain and he can't do that.  He just drops things when he's done.  Hence...Vent on Cafemom.

Voila.

Seriously, thank you.  Like tons.

Damnit: Edited to spell check...I got called away in the middle of this bc I am the only person who can warm Chibi's "warmie" (microwave heating pad) to the correct temperature.

Quoting kirbymom:

Definitely "HUGS" are in need here. While you have valid points, have you taken any time to ask him what he's been thinking and feeling lately? Maybe he needs a hubby/wife day? Sometimes the stress of being the man and being the one who has to always
have answers to what is going on in the family and always be on can take a toll on a guy. Not that you aren't doing and feeling the same way but men just do nor handle emotional and stress the same way women do. Maybe you can be the one place your hubby can let his hair down, so to speak?

I, for one, think you both are doing a great job being parents with all the stress you both are under.


Quoting Tal0n:

I'm not going to hit you but you seem to have missed a few key points:

Yes, one free day with NOTHING.  Then I pointed out that there's only ONE day where she literally has no time for anything else. (that would be Tuesday, co-op day) 

All the other days are single activities that can be planned around (OR SKIPPED ENTIRELY) IF HE WOULD SPEAK UP.  Instead he says nothing, gets resentful then blows it all over me and Chibi.

I also pointed out that we currently have no money, no job (recent development, though when he was working it was less than 2/3'rds of what he used to make) and no reliable vehicle (and haven't for some time) and these are more an issue in not doing what he wants than Chibi's activities.

Also we had an ENTIRE summer where the only thing she did was JOAD and a couple of weeks of camp.  Did he suggest anything?  NOPE.

I only have so many spoons, and we only have so much funds and frankly I refuse to spend them both on a movie 2/3rds of the family is not at all interested in.  No, the movie itself is not the real issue.

I put my child's education first because I'm not a spoiled brat like Dh acts.  There are plenty of ways he could have gone about this and NOT spewed resentment all over Chibi and me.

I am aware that not all of this was made entirely clear in the Original Post.  When we DID have available funds and transportation and I wasn't so sick, we did lots of things.  Our situation has not been ideal for some time, and he needs to deal with the reality and put his resentment where it belongs.  On our situation as a whole, not on Chibi's schedule.



Quoting AutymsMommy:

Don't hit me.

You're putting your child's activities over your marriage and family activities. You said yourself that her activities only give one free day.

While my husband wouldn't blow up like that, he would not be happy with the schedule either.

Me thinks that if you're going to keep up with the schedule, you at least owe it to your husband to do an activity with him (like the movie he wanted to see) - tired or not.








Tal0n
by Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 11:10 PM

We actually do that too, but it has to be established that's what we're doing first or else, breach of agreement.  We have actually had screaming arguments driving down the highway, and without even taking a breath switched to totally normal tones to discuss exits and roads and gone back to the argument before just laughing our asses off.  Like not even planned.

One of the best things my parents ever taught me about relationships is that you cannot live with someone and never fight with them.  It doesn't mean you don't love them.  Now they did their best making up behind doors, because I never actually saw either of them apologize to each other for whatever, but because I didn't like that, (not witnessing apologizing or being apologized too when they were in the wrong) I don't do that.

Aaaand now spellcheck is not working.  Great.


Quoting debramommyof4:

 It happens.  My husband and I do love taps.  I will smack his shoulder when he and I are playing and vice versa, but never to hurt and not hard at all.   But we do not get more physical and the kids see our relationship as loving and fun. 

Quoting Tal0n:

Seriously!!  And even the hitting I was talking about before in the deal we made wasn't like I was slapping him or decking him or anything like that!!  It was not a good thing for me to respond physically to verbal banter and it also was not a good thing for him to call me "stupid". (Which, btw, is VERBAL ABUSE.)  This was when we were still dating ffs!!  We established respectful BOUNDRIES.

Yeah, I still want to deck him sometimes...I'm HUMAN.  So is he.  We get on each other's last nerve sometimes!  Crimney!


Quoting debramommyof4:

 If you are still around, she did not hit him.  She wanted to.

I am pretty sure none of us agree with physical abuse.  I would have wanted to punch my husband also.  And while I may say I would, unless I am extremely horomonal and pregnant I have never hit him and never would.  And even then when I did hit him I had tried to get away from him first and he grabbed me and would not let go. 

I am sorry you are upset by this post.

Quoting LoveShines99:

You are seriously wanting to know why he bottles issues up? Because YOU HIT HIM!
Physical abuse is physical abuse no matter how you spin it. It's terrible that you seem to think you have a pass to hit your spouse because of your upbringing. Luckily, it sounds like he has enough RESPECT towards you and his daughter not to abuse you. Give your husband some time. He was asking to go see a movie. Get.over.it. He doesn't agree with the family schedule. Maybe talk to him about it. Let HIM have a say.

Frankly, I can't get over the fact you think physical abuse is justifiable. I'm blown away.

I'm new to this group and this is my first response. I'm pretty sure I'm deleting my account ASAP!


Quoting Tal0n:

Prequel: My husband, wonderful man though he is, has a record of bottling resentment up and then letting it explode all over everything with no warning that anything was EVER wrong.  I know this about him.  I've been with him 20 years, married for 18.  However, I cannot read his mind when he's actively suppressing resentment that's never reared its head before.

This gets long...so feel free to skip past.

This is about what happened yesterday.  Background is a tad long...sorry but I'm trying to give a full picture.  (of how INSANELY SELFISH Dh is being)

Dh was recently let go from his job.  His unemployment has been denied (we're fighting it) he recently got pulled over (cop was nice enough to give him the least "serious" ticket) and our car has not been reliable for long distances for a couple of years now.  We've had to cash in our four oh one kaay which is enough to make us sustainable or sustain us...not both.  We've lived through worse.


Chibi is 13 and for a few years now she's had activities on every day of the week except one.  Before this year it was Thursday.  Now it's Monday.  She's on the YMCA Swim Club which is 4 practices a week.  She's been in Swim Club since she was 9 at one YMCA (we're about equidistant from all the Y's in the area) and when the 2011 season started she asked if she could swim more.  Since all our YMCA's are registered under the same team, it was no issue to check out another Y which she had been involved with in the past.  (We switched when she decided she didn't want to do gymnastics and wanted yoga instead, plus Homeschool Swim & Gym)  We decided that yes, this would be a good thing and it has been.

Chibi has Aspergers.  She swims like a fish and has recently (despite placing high in some big swim meets in the past...and also placing poorly for her patented "strolling through the water") completely made the connection about competing and racing.  She was AWESOME.  She's no Olympian, but she went all out, every race and did really really well.  I am INSANELY proud of her. (and thankfully, Grandpa pays her YMCA membership and I've gotten scholarships for this term so she can stay in)

In addition to Swim Club, she has Homeschool Co-op day (Also scholarships since it started right after he lost his job) that's so close to home we WALK, from 10-4:30 pm, Teen Art Studio (which is FREE) at the local not-for-profit art center (which she has been deeply involved in since she was SIX and spoke at a fundraiser when she was eleven...the only kid who wrote AND practiced her speech, btw) and JOAD (Junior Olympic Archery Development) Saturday mornings from 9-11:30 AM.


So, yesterday Dh wanted to see a movie.  At the moment, Chibi and I would rather do almost anything else (for different reasons).  And it should be noted here that because of circumstances, Chibi had to miss both Sunday and Tuesday swim practice.  So yesterday, being Wednesday (also a practice day) she was really antsy to get back in the pool.

Dh was sulky and I asked him what was wrong. (Big mistake...I should have just let him simmer and sulk,but sue me, I CARE.)  And he explodes all over the car, spewing resentment that our schedule is centered around Chibi and isn't that part of the reason we homeschool so we can do things (with what money and car, pray-tell because while he was working we were still doing paycheck to paycheck) and HIS parents always did what they wanted regardless of what their children wanted.  All this in front of Chibi.  He kept saying, "I'm not angry at you Chibi" like that makes a difference to a 13 year old Aspie girl. (I talked to her later)

He's been resentful for a few years, so he says.  I say, tough shit.  Chibi is only a child for so long, and you IDIOT, she can miss a few things if we want to go do something if we actually have the means with which to DO IT.  There hasn't been, not for like four years.  Seriously.  But being resentful because your child has an active social life (OMG she's part of a TEAM that's been AWESOME for her...she's making FRIENDS and growing, especially since she's aged out of several of her old activities.  And I'd totally call his bullshit on his parents except his mother is dead and his stepdad is worthless.

I went to public school...the same school from pre-school thru graduation.  My parents worked their asses off, and while they weren't perfect (some of the things my mother did still pisses me off) they STILL supported me in everything I did.  My dad had things he wanted to do other than work Band Bingo, but he did it...for me.  He went to every game of mine he could, and even some practices, (he was there for one of my finer moments when during a summer practice I dumped my coach on his ass) they were there for every play, every concert, everything they could manage.  Plus my two brother's stuff.  Now, we lived way in the middle of nowhere and sometimes I had to find a ride, and sometimes I had to wait an hour or two after a practice for a pick-up.  And sometimes in the mornings, my mother would take the phone off the hook so she wouldn't be disturbed.  Like I said.  Not perfect.

My long, long getting to the point is...Dh doesn't seem to understand that when we chose to have children, that YES OUR LIVES ARE GOING TO REVOLVE AROUND THAT CHILD TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.  But she can miss things, nobody will die, IF WE PLAN IN ADVANCE.  Frankly I hate leaving my house for any reason except Chibi needs to get to places.  (I have a chronic auto-immune disease and frankly it's exahusting along with dealing with depression, anxiety and the side effects from the treatment I WAS on, which was WORKING until we no longer had insurance.)  I take Chibi to everything, with the exception of JOAD which I make Dh take her to occasionally (which is where he got the ticket last week *sigh*).  And he got her into that.

With the exception of Tuesday, which is a LONG day, (Co-op from 10 AM to 4:30 PM, then Swim Club from 6-7:30 PM) there's PLENTY OF TIME to do things.  Oh, but not every other Saturday bc Dh RPG's with his friends.

So there's my long-assed vent about Dh's selfish bullshit.  He's resentful about Chibi's schedule, dating back so far when we've not had money OR transportation to do any of the things EITHER of us want to do.  Chibi is older now, her friends play an important role in her life and her activities, her routine is important to her.  I know he's upset about losing his job.  I get it. But I swear I almost decked him in the car for that explosion WITH CHIBI IN THE CAR.  INAPPROPRIATE, DUMBASS.  A fucking petulant child, I swear.


So...VENT OVER.  I'm not going to make Chibi give up her THREE WHOLE ACTIVITIES because he's a whiny baby. 

If you got this far, thanks.   Seriously.  I really needed to get this out bc he's also a passive-aggressive douchebag when it comes to disagreements and just walks off while I'm still trying to process his bullshit. I NEED to beat the dead horse in order to resolve shit like this.  It's just how I am, how I've always been, and arguments are not over just because he wants them to be over.

SHUTTING UP NOW.


 



 



debramommyof4
by Silver Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 11:15 PM
1 mom liked this

 I think we are more like your parents in that regard.  But I do try to ensure when I am wrong that I apologize to the kids at the least.

Quoting Tal0n:

We actually do that too, but it has to be established that's what we're doing first or else, breach of agreement.  We have actually had screaming arguments driving down the highway, and without even taking a breath switched to totally normal tones to discuss exits and roads and gone back to the argument before just laughing our asses off.  Like not even planned.

One of the best things my parents ever taught me about relationships is that you cannot live with someone and never fight with them.  It doesn't mean you don't love them.  Now they did their best making up behind doors, because I never actually saw either of them apologize to each other for whatever, but because I didn't like that, (not witnessing apologizing or being apologized too when they were in the wrong) I don't do that.

Aaaand now spellcheck is not working.  Great.

 

Quoting debramommyof4:

 It happens.  My husband and I do love taps.  I will smack his shoulder when he and I are playing and vice versa, but never to hurt and not hard at all.   But we do not get more physical and the kids see our relationship as loving and fun. 

Quoting Tal0n:

Seriously!!  And even the hitting I was talking about before in the deal we made wasn't like I was slapping him or decking him or anything like that!!  It was not a good thing for me to respond physically to verbal banter and it also was not a good thing for him to call me "stupid". (Which, btw, is VERBAL ABUSE.)  This was when we were still dating ffs!!  We established respectful BOUNDRIES.

Yeah, I still want to deck him sometimes...I'm HUMAN.  So is he.  We get on each other's last nerve sometimes!  Crimney!

 

Quoting debramommyof4:

 If you are still around, she did not hit him.  She wanted to.

I am pretty sure none of us agree with physical abuse.  I would have wanted to punch my husband also.  And while I may say I would, unless I am extremely horomonal and pregnant I have never hit him and never would.  And even then when I did hit him I had tried to get away from him first and he grabbed me and would not let go. 

I am sorry you are upset by this post.

Quoting LoveShines99:

You are seriously wanting to know why he bottles issues up? Because YOU HIT HIM!
Physical abuse is physical abuse no matter how you spin it. It's terrible that you seem to think you have a pass to hit your spouse because of your upbringing. Luckily, it sounds like he has enough RESPECT towards you and his daughter not to abuse you. Give your husband some time. He was asking to go see a movie. Get.over.it. He doesn't agree with the family schedule. Maybe talk to him about it. Let HIM have a say.

Frankly, I can't get over the fact you think physical abuse is justifiable. I'm blown away.

I'm new to this group and this is my first response. I'm pretty sure I'm deleting my account ASAP!


Quoting Tal0n:

Prequel: My husband, wonderful man though he is, has a record of bottling resentment up and then letting it explode all over everything with no warning that anything was EVER wrong.  I know this about him.  I've been with him 20 years, married for 18.  However, I cannot read his mind when he's actively suppressing resentment that's never reared its head before.

This gets long...so feel free to skip past.

This is about what happened yesterday.  Background is a tad long...sorry but I'm trying to give a full picture.  (of how INSANELY SELFISH Dh is being)

Dh was recently let go from his job.  His unemployment has been denied (we're fighting it) he recently got pulled over (cop was nice enough to give him the least "serious" ticket) and our car has not been reliable for long distances for a couple of years now.  We've had to cash in our four oh one kaay which is enough to make us sustainable or sustain us...not both.  We've lived through worse.

 

Chibi is 13 and for a few years now she's had activities on every day of the week except one.  Before this year it was Thursday.  Now it's Monday.  She's on the YMCA Swim Club which is 4 practices a week.  She's been in Swim Club since she was 9 at one YMCA (we're about equidistant from all the Y's in the area) and when the 2011 season started she asked if she could swim more.  Since all our YMCA's are registered under the same team, it was no issue to check out another Y which she had been involved with in the past.  (We switched when she decided she didn't want to do gymnastics and wanted yoga instead, plus Homeschool Swim & Gym)  We decided that yes, this would be a good thing and it has been.

Chibi has Aspergers.  She swims like a fish and has recently (despite placing high in some big swim meets in the past...and also placing poorly for her patented "strolling through the water") completely made the connection about competing and racing.  She was AWESOME.  She's no Olympian, but she went all out, every race and did really really well.  I am INSANELY proud of her. (and thankfully, Grandpa pays her YMCA membership and I've gotten scholarships for this term so she can stay in)

In addition to Swim Club, she has Homeschool Co-op day (Also scholarships since it started right after he lost his job) that's so close to home we WALK, from 10-4:30 pm, Teen Art Studio (which is FREE) at the local not-for-profit art center (which she has been deeply involved in since she was SIX and spoke at a fundraiser when she was eleven...the only kid who wrote AND practiced her speech, btw) and JOAD (Junior Olympic Archery Development) Saturday mornings from 9-11:30 AM.

 

So, yesterday Dh wanted to see a movie.  At the moment, Chibi and I would rather do almost anything else (for different reasons).  And it should be noted here that because of circumstances, Chibi had to miss both Sunday and Tuesday swim practice.  So yesterday, being Wednesday (also a practice day) she was really antsy to get back in the pool.

Dh was sulky and I asked him what was wrong. (Big mistake...I should have just let him simmer and sulk,but sue me, I CARE.)  And he explodes all over the car, spewing resentment that our schedule is centered around Chibi and isn't that part of the reason we homeschool so we can do things (with what money and car, pray-tell because while he was working we were still doing paycheck to paycheck) and HIS parents always did what they wanted regardless of what their children wanted.  All this in front of Chibi.  He kept saying, "I'm not angry at you Chibi" like that makes a difference to a 13 year old Aspie girl. (I talked to her later)

He's been resentful for a few years, so he says.  I say, tough shit.  Chibi is only a child for so long, and you IDIOT, she can miss a few things if we want to go do something if we actually have the means with which to DO IT.  There hasn't been, not for like four years.  Seriously.  But being resentful because your child has an active social life (OMG she's part of a TEAM that's been AWESOME for her...she's making FRIENDS and growing, especially since she's aged out of several of her old activities.  And I'd totally call his bullshit on his parents except his mother is dead and his stepdad is worthless.

I went to public school...the same school from pre-school thru graduation.  My parents worked their asses off, and while they weren't perfect (some of the things my mother did still pisses me off) they STILL supported me in everything I did.  My dad had things he wanted to do other than work Band Bingo, but he did it...for me.  He went to every game of mine he could, and even some practices, (he was there for one of my finer moments when during a summer practice I dumped my coach on his ass) they were there for every play, every concert, everything they could manage.  Plus my two brother's stuff.  Now, we lived way in the middle of nowhere and sometimes I had to find a ride, and sometimes I had to wait an hour or two after a practice for a pick-up.  And sometimes in the mornings, my mother would take the phone off the hook so she wouldn't be disturbed.  Like I said.  Not perfect.

My long, long getting to the point is...Dh doesn't seem to understand that when we chose to have children, that YES OUR LIVES ARE GOING TO REVOLVE AROUND THAT CHILD TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.  But she can miss things, nobody will die, IF WE PLAN IN ADVANCE.  Frankly I hate leaving my house for any reason except Chibi needs to get to places.  (I have a chronic auto-immune disease and frankly it's exahusting along with dealing with depression, anxiety and the side effects from the treatment I WAS on, which was WORKING until we no longer had insurance.)  I take Chibi to everything, with the exception of JOAD which I make Dh take her to occasionally (which is where he got the ticket last week *sigh*).  And he got her into that.

With the exception of Tuesday, which is a LONG day, (Co-op from 10 AM to 4:30 PM, then Swim Club from 6-7:30 PM) there's PLENTY OF TIME to do things.  Oh, but not every other Saturday bc Dh RPG's with his friends.

So there's my long-assed vent about Dh's selfish bullshit.  He's resentful about Chibi's schedule, dating back so far when we've not had money OR transportation to do any of the things EITHER of us want to do.  Chibi is older now, her friends play an important role in her life and her activities, her routine is important to her.  I know he's upset about losing his job.  I get it. But I swear I almost decked him in the car for that explosion WITH CHIBI IN THE CAR.  INAPPROPRIATE, DUMBASS.  A fucking petulant child, I swear.

 

So...VENT OVER.  I'm not going to make Chibi give up her THREE WHOLE ACTIVITIES because he's a whiny baby. 

If you got this far, thanks.   Seriously.  I really needed to get this out bc he's also a passive-aggressive douchebag when it comes to disagreements and just walks off while I'm still trying to process his bullshit. I NEED to beat the dead horse in order to resolve shit like this.  It's just how I am, how I've always been, and arguments are not over just because he wants them to be over.

SHUTTING UP NOW.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tal0n
by Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 11:20 PM
1 mom liked this

I think apologizing to kids when you realize you're in the wrong, for whatever it is, is important.  I didn't get that, so I really try to model that.  And I think that every couple needs to do what works best for them, cause when Mom and Dad ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy.  I think that's what my parents did.  One or two public apologies would have been nice though.  But that's coming from my 39 year old looking back to my childhood POV.  It's not like it scarred me horribly.

Chibi doesn't always see us make up, but if she's in the vicinity and we happen to be having a heated discussion, we do try to reassure her; she's awfully sensitive to other people's emotions...and loud noises AND she's an Aspie so it's very important to demonstrate respect for each other, which brings me back 'round to the reason for my vent here!  LOL!


Quoting debramommyof4:

 I think we are more like your parents in that regard.  But I do try to ensure when I am wrong that I apologize to the kids at the least.

Quoting Tal0n:

We actually do that too, but it has to be established that's what we're doing first or else, breach of agreement.  We have actually had screaming arguments driving down the highway, and without even taking a breath switched to totally normal tones to discuss exits and roads and gone back to the argument before just laughing our asses off.  Like not even planned.

One of the best things my parents ever taught me about relationships is that you cannot live with someone and never fight with them.  It doesn't mean you don't love them.  Now they did their best making up behind doors, because I never actually saw either of them apologize to each other for whatever, but because I didn't like that, (not witnessing apologizing or being apologized too when they were in the wrong) I don't do that.

Aaaand now spellcheck is not working.  Great.


Quoting debramommyof4:

 It happens.  My husband and I do love taps.  I will smack his shoulder when he and I are playing and vice versa, but never to hurt and not hard at all.   But we do not get more physical and the kids see our relationship as loving and fun. 

Quoting Tal0n:

Seriously!!  And even the hitting I was talking about before in the deal we made wasn't like I was slapping him or decking him or anything like that!!  It was not a good thing for me to respond physically to verbal banter and it also was not a good thing for him to call me "stupid". (Which, btw, is VERBAL ABUSE.)  This was when we were still dating ffs!!  We established respectful BOUNDRIES.

Yeah, I still want to deck him sometimes...I'm HUMAN.  So is he.  We get on each other's last nerve sometimes!  Crimney!


Quoting debramommyof4:

 If you are still around, she did not hit him.  She wanted to.

I am pretty sure none of us agree with physical abuse.  I would have wanted to punch my husband also.  And while I may say I would, unless I am extremely horomonal and pregnant I have never hit him and never would.  And even then when I did hit him I had tried to get away from him first and he grabbed me and would not let go. 

I am sorry you are upset by this post.

Quoting LoveShines99:

You are seriously wanting to know why he bottles issues up? Because YOU HIT HIM!
Physical abuse is physical abuse no matter how you spin it. It's terrible that you seem to think you have a pass to hit your spouse because of your upbringing. Luckily, it sounds like he has enough RESPECT towards you and his daughter not to abuse you. Give your husband some time. He was asking to go see a movie. Get.over.it. He doesn't agree with the family schedule. Maybe talk to him about it. Let HIM have a say.

Frankly, I can't get over the fact you think physical abuse is justifiable. I'm blown away.

I'm new to this group and this is my first response. I'm pretty sure I'm deleting my account ASAP!


Quoting Tal0n:

Prequel: My husband, wonderful man though he is, has a record of bottling resentment up and then letting it explode all over everything with no warning that anything was EVER wrong.  I know this about him.  I've been with him 20 years, married for 18.  However, I cannot read his mind when he's actively suppressing resentment that's never reared its head before.

This gets long...so feel free to skip past.

This is about what happened yesterday.  Background is a tad long...sorry but I'm trying to give a full picture.  (of how INSANELY SELFISH Dh is being)

Dh was recently let go from his job.  His unemployment has been denied (we're fighting it) he recently got pulled over (cop was nice enough to give him the least "serious" ticket) and our car has not been reliable for long distances for a couple of years now.  We've had to cash in our four oh one kaay which is enough to make us sustainable or sustain us...not both.  We've lived through worse.


Chibi is 13 and for a few years now she's had activities on every day of the week except one.  Before this year it was Thursday.  Now it's Monday.  She's on the YMCA Swim Club which is 4 practices a week.  She's been in Swim Club since she was 9 at one YMCA (we're about equidistant from all the Y's in the area) and when the 2011 season started she asked if she could swim more.  Since all our YMCA's are registered under the same team, it was no issue to check out another Y which she had been involved with in the past.  (We switched when she decided she didn't want to do gymnastics and wanted yoga instead, plus Homeschool Swim & Gym)  We decided that yes, this would be a good thing and it has been.

Chibi has Aspergers.  She swims like a fish and has recently (despite placing high in some big swim meets in the past...and also placing poorly for her patented "strolling through the water") completely made the connection about competing and racing.  She was AWESOME.  She's no Olympian, but she went all out, every race and did really really well.  I am INSANELY proud of her. (and thankfully, Grandpa pays her YMCA membership and I've gotten scholarships for this term so she can stay in)

In addition to Swim Club, she has Homeschool Co-op day (Also scholarships since it started right after he lost his job) that's so close to home we WALK, from 10-4:30 pm, Teen Art Studio (which is FREE) at the local not-for-profit art center (which she has been deeply involved in since she was SIX and spoke at a fundraiser when she was eleven...the only kid who wrote AND practiced her speech, btw) and JOAD (Junior Olympic Archery Development) Saturday mornings from 9-11:30 AM.


So, yesterday Dh wanted to see a movie.  At the moment, Chibi and I would rather do almost anything else (for different reasons).  And it should be noted here that because of circumstances, Chibi had to miss both Sunday and Tuesday swim practice.  So yesterday, being Wednesday (also a practice day) she was really antsy to get back in the pool.

Dh was sulky and I asked him what was wrong. (Big mistake...I should have just let him simmer and sulk,but sue me, I CARE.)  And he explodes all over the car, spewing resentment that our schedule is centered around Chibi and isn't that part of the reason we homeschool so we can do things (with what money and car, pray-tell because while he was working we were still doing paycheck to paycheck) and HIS parents always did what they wanted regardless of what their children wanted.  All this in front of Chibi.  He kept saying, "I'm not angry at you Chibi" like that makes a difference to a 13 year old Aspie girl. (I talked to her later)

He's been resentful for a few years, so he says.  I say, tough shit.  Chibi is only a child for so long, and you IDIOT, she can miss a few things if we want to go do something if we actually have the means with which to DO IT.  There hasn't been, not for like four years.  Seriously.  But being resentful because your child has an active social life (OMG she's part of a TEAM that's been AWESOME for her...she's making FRIENDS and growing, especially since she's aged out of several of her old activities.  And I'd totally call his bullshit on his parents except his mother is dead and his stepdad is worthless.

I went to public school...the same school from pre-school thru graduation.  My parents worked their asses off, and while they weren't perfect (some of the things my mother did still pisses me off) they STILL supported me in everything I did.  My dad had things he wanted to do other than work Band Bingo, but he did it...for me.  He went to every game of mine he could, and even some practices, (he was there for one of my finer moments when during a summer practice I dumped my coach on his ass) they were there for every play, every concert, everything they could manage.  Plus my two brother's stuff.  Now, we lived way in the middle of nowhere and sometimes I had to find a ride, and sometimes I had to wait an hour or two after a practice for a pick-up.  And sometimes in the mornings, my mother would take the phone off the hook so she wouldn't be disturbed.  Like I said.  Not perfect.

My long, long getting to the point is...Dh doesn't seem to understand that when we chose to have children, that YES OUR LIVES ARE GOING TO REVOLVE AROUND THAT CHILD TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.  But she can miss things, nobody will die, IF WE PLAN IN ADVANCE.  Frankly I hate leaving my house for any reason except Chibi needs to get to places.  (I have a chronic auto-immune disease and frankly it's exahusting along with dealing with depression, anxiety and the side effects from the treatment I WAS on, which was WORKING until we no longer had insurance.)  I take Chibi to everything, with the exception of JOAD which I make Dh take her to occasionally (which is where he got the ticket last week *sigh*).  And he got her into that.

With the exception of Tuesday, which is a LONG day, (Co-op from 10 AM to 4:30 PM, then Swim Club from 6-7:30 PM) there's PLENTY OF TIME to do things.  Oh, but not every other Saturday bc Dh RPG's with his friends.

So there's my long-assed vent about Dh's selfish bullshit.  He's resentful about Chibi's schedule, dating back so far when we've not had money OR transportation to do any of the things EITHER of us want to do.  Chibi is older now, her friends play an important role in her life and her activities, her routine is important to her.  I know he's upset about losing his job.  I get it. But I swear I almost decked him in the car for that explosion WITH CHIBI IN THE CAR.  INAPPROPRIATE, DUMBASS.  A fucking petulant child, I swear.


So...VENT OVER.  I'm not going to make Chibi give up her THREE WHOLE ACTIVITIES because he's a whiny baby. 

If you got this far, thanks.   Seriously.  I really needed to get this out bc he's also a passive-aggressive douchebag when it comes to disagreements and just walks off while I'm still trying to process his bullshit. I NEED to beat the dead horse in order to resolve shit like this.  It's just how I am, how I've always been, and arguments are not over just because he wants them to be over.

SHUTTING UP NOW.


 



 



 



mem82
by Platinum Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 11:25 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm sorry. I hope things can get straightened out. My husband is good at silently building up.
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