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Hissy Fit Husband (VENT)

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Prequel: My husband, wonderful man though he is, has a record of bottling resentment up and then letting it explode all over everything with no warning that anything was EVER wrong.  I know this about him.  I've been with him 20 years, married for 18.  However, I cannot read his mind when he's actively suppressing resentment that's never reared its head before.

This gets long...so feel free to skip past.

This is about what happened yesterday.  Background is a tad long...sorry but I'm trying to give a full picture.  (of how INSANELY SELFISH Dh is being)

Dh was recently let go from his job.  His unemployment has been denied (we're fighting it) he recently got pulled over (cop was nice enough to give him the least "serious" ticket) and our car has not been reliable for long distances for a couple of years now.  We've had to cash in our four oh one kaay which is enough to make us sustainable or sustain us...not both.  We've lived through worse.


Chibi is 13 and for a few years now she's had activities on every day of the week except one.  Before this year it was Thursday.  Now it's Monday.  She's on the YMCA Swim Club which is 4 practices a week.  She's been in Swim Club since she was 9 at one YMCA (we're about equidistant from all the Y's in the area) and when the 2011 season started she asked if she could swim more.  Since all our YMCA's are registered under the same team, it was no issue to check out another Y which she had been involved with in the past.  (We switched when she decided she didn't want to do gymnastics and wanted yoga instead, plus Homeschool Swim & Gym)  We decided that yes, this would be a good thing and it has been.

Chibi has Aspergers.  She swims like a fish and has recently (despite placing high in some big swim meets in the past...and also placing poorly for her patented "strolling through the water") completely made the connection about competing and racing.  She was AWESOME.  She's no Olympian, but she went all out, every race and did really really well.  I am INSANELY proud of her. (and thankfully, Grandpa pays her YMCA membership and I've gotten scholarships for this term so she can stay in)

In addition to Swim Club, she has Homeschool Co-op day (Also scholarships since it started right after he lost his job) that's so close to home we WALK, from 10-4:30 pm, Teen Art Studio (which is FREE) at the local not-for-profit art center (which she has been deeply involved in since she was SIX and spoke at a fundraiser when she was eleven...the only kid who wrote AND practiced her speech, btw) and JOAD (Junior Olympic Archery Development) Saturday mornings from 9-11:30 AM.


So, yesterday Dh wanted to see a movie.  At the moment, Chibi and I would rather do almost anything else (for different reasons).  And it should be noted here that because of circumstances, Chibi had to miss both Sunday and Tuesday swim practice.  So yesterday, being Wednesday (also a practice day) she was really antsy to get back in the pool.

Dh was sulky and I asked him what was wrong. (Big mistake...I should have just let him simmer and sulk,but sue me, I CARE.)  And he explodes all over the car, spewing resentment that our schedule is centered around Chibi and isn't that part of the reason we homeschool so we can do things (with what money and car, pray-tell because while he was working we were still doing paycheck to paycheck) and HIS parents always did what they wanted regardless of what their children wanted.  All this in front of Chibi.  He kept saying, "I'm not angry at you Chibi" like that makes a difference to a 13 year old Aspie girl. (I talked to her later)

He's been resentful for a few years, so he says.  I say, tough shit.  Chibi is only a child for so long, and you IDIOT, she can miss a few things if we want to go do something if we actually have the means with which to DO IT.  There hasn't been, not for like four years.  Seriously.  But being resentful because your child has an active social life (OMG she's part of a TEAM that's been AWESOME for her...she's making FRIENDS and growing, especially since she's aged out of several of her old activities.  And I'd totally call his bullshit on his parents except his mother is dead and his stepdad is worthless.

I went to public school...the same school from pre-school thru graduation.  My parents worked their asses off, and while they weren't perfect (some of the things my mother did still pisses me off) they STILL supported me in everything I did.  My dad had things he wanted to do other than work Band Bingo, but he did it...for me.  He went to every game of mine he could, and even some practices, (he was there for one of my finer moments when during a summer practice I dumped my coach on his ass) they were there for every play, every concert, everything they could manage.  Plus my two brother's stuff.  Now, we lived way in the middle of nowhere and sometimes I had to find a ride, and sometimes I had to wait an hour or two after a practice for a pick-up.  And sometimes in the mornings, my mother would take the phone off the hook so she wouldn't be disturbed.  Like I said.  Not perfect.

My long, long getting to the point is...Dh doesn't seem to understand that when we chose to have children, that YES OUR LIVES ARE GOING TO REVOLVE AROUND THAT CHILD TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.  But she can miss things, nobody will die, IF WE PLAN IN ADVANCE.  Frankly I hate leaving my house for any reason except Chibi needs to get to places.  (I have a chronic auto-immune disease and frankly it's exahusting along with dealing with depression, anxiety and the side effects from the treatment I WAS on, which was WORKING until we no longer had insurance.)  I take Chibi to everything, with the exception of JOAD which I make Dh take her to occasionally (which is where he got the ticket last week *sigh*).  And he got her into that.

With the exception of Tuesday, which is a LONG day, (Co-op from 10 AM to 4:30 PM, then Swim Club from 6-7:30 PM) there's PLENTY OF TIME to do things.  Oh, but not every other Saturday bc Dh RPG's with his friends.

So there's my long-assed vent about Dh's selfish bullshit.  He's resentful about Chibi's schedule, dating back so far when we've not had money OR transportation to do any of the things EITHER of us want to do.  Chibi is older now, her friends play an important role in her life and her activities, her routine is important to her.  I know he's upset about losing his job.  I get it. But I swear I almost decked him in the car for that explosion WITH CHIBI IN THE CAR.  INAPPROPRIATE, DUMBASS.  A fucking petulant child, I swear.


So...VENT OVER.  I'm not going to make Chibi give up her THREE WHOLE ACTIVITIES because he's a whiny baby. 

If you got this far, thanks.   Seriously.  I really needed to get this out bc he's also a passive-aggressive douchebag when it comes to disagreements and just walks off while I'm still trying to process his bullshit. I NEED to beat the dead horse in order to resolve shit like this.  It's just how I am, how I've always been, and arguments are not over just because he wants them to be over.

SHUTTING UP NOW.

by on Nov. 14, 2013 at 11:26 AM
Replies (21-30):
TidewaterClan
by on Nov. 15, 2013 at 10:09 AM
1 mom liked this

LoveShines, don't give up on this group just yet please.  99% of the posts are about education or education-related ideas, and there are some great ladies in here.


Talon - she simply misread your post, and it was a long one, so take it easy.  There's no need to curse at someone for disagreeing with you or getting the details wrong.  A simple "I wanted to hit him but didn't" would have sufficed.

Quoting LoveShines99:

You are seriously wanting to know why he bottles issues up? Because YOU HIT HIM!
Physical abuse is physical abuse no matter how you spin it. It's terrible that you seem to think you have a pass to hit your spouse because of your upbringing. Luckily, it sounds like he has enough RESPECT towards you and his daughter not to abuse you. Give your husband some time. He was asking to go see a movie. Get.over.it. He doesn't agree with the family schedule. Maybe talk to him about it. Let HIM have a say.

Frankly, I can't get over the fact you think physical abuse is justifiable. I'm blown away.

I'm new to this group and this is my first response. I'm pretty sure I'm deleting my account ASAP!

angelamiles05
by on Nov. 15, 2013 at 10:30 AM
1 mom liked this

 I would have been mad that he went off in front of your kid. How ever it's very important to make him feel like he is involved in decision making. Sit down with a calendar and a pen and go over what going on. Chances are  he was frustrated about something else and just exploded... I do it all the time, lol. Make him feel needed stroke his ego.

Tal0n
by Member on Nov. 15, 2013 at 12:33 PM
1 mom liked this

You're right, I apologize. 

I have a thing about being misunderstood, and when I'm REALLY misunderstood, and accused of something I REALLY don't/didn't do I get really upset.  I was seriously in a state of "WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"  To me, it wasn't just a case of getting details wrong, she was accusing me of abusing my husband.  I am sorry, that set me right off. 

It is a very long post, but she referenced my "physical abuse" from one of the replies where Dh and I were still dating and we negotiated a mutual respect agreement about me not responding physically and him not calling me stupid.  So she read replies where I said many times I didn't and don't hit him.  That I do feel like it sometimes, but I don't act on it, because that would be BAD.

I don't mind if people disagree with me, or get details wrong; yes I hate being misunderstood, but it can usually be worked out.  But the tone of her reply and her accusations really got under my skin.  It's not really a case of her missing a word here or there

But you're right.  I could have replied without cursing and should have.

So I apologize.  Without reservation.


Quoting TidewaterClan:

LoveShines, don't give up on this group just yet please.  99% of the posts are about education or education-related ideas, and there are some great ladies in here.


Talon - she simply misread your post, and it was a long one, so take it easy.  There's no need to curse at someone for disagreeing with you or getting the details wrong.  A simple "I wanted to hit him but didn't" would have sufficed.

Quoting LoveShines99:

You are seriously wanting to know why he bottles issues up? Because YOU HIT HIM!
Physical abuse is physical abuse no matter how you spin it. It's terrible that you seem to think you have a pass to hit your spouse because of your upbringing. Luckily, it sounds like he has enough RESPECT towards you and his daughter not to abuse you. Give your husband some time. He was asking to go see a movie. Get.over.it. He doesn't agree with the family schedule. Maybe talk to him about it. Let HIM have a say.

Frankly, I can't get over the fact you think physical abuse is justifiable. I'm blown away.

I'm new to this group and this is my first response. I'm pretty sure I'm deleting my account ASAP!



Tal0n
by Member on Nov. 15, 2013 at 12:40 PM

Thank you.  I'm sure it will, eventually.  I just need to beat the dead horse as it were, to get enough out of my system and make sure I'm not going to turn into a raging harpy when discussing this.

Hence, venting to ya'll!!


Quoting mem82:

I'm sorry. I hope things can get straightened out. My husband is good at silently building up.



mem82
by Platinum Member on Nov. 15, 2013 at 12:51 PM
1 mom liked this

I do the same thing. I call it spewing my spleen. Once I get it out, I can move on and think of more positive ways of dealing with the problem. My husband gets amused because if given enough I can talk myself right back into a better mood.

Quoting Tal0n:

Thank you.  I'm sure it will, eventually.  I just need to beat the dead horse as it were, to get enough out of my system and make sure I'm not going to turn into a raging harpy when discussing this.

Hence, venting to ya'll!!


Quoting mem82:

I'm sorry. I hope things can get straightened out. My husband is good at silently building up.




Tal0n
by Member on Nov. 15, 2013 at 12:53 PM
1 mom liked this

I will be the first to admit that I am NOT good at stroking his ego.  He's like a woman that way, where he won't take a compliment.  And you're not wrong; I have control issues I'm aware of and I'm responsible for getting the people in this house where they need to be, when they need to be there.

So sitting down with a calander would be HARD for me.  Probably for both of us.  Especially since unless there's something special on, I run all this in my head.  I DO make a list of her activities, but here's an example: 

For almost seven years, she's had Art at Reach at the same time, for the same legnth of time, every Monday excluding holidays on Mondays.  Last year was her last year in that program (she aged out of it) and he still didn't know that Art is on Monday from 4:15-5:45.  Seven years, no variation (except the term where she had a drawing class after, making for a VERY late, long Monday as before Art, she had Homeschool Swim&Gym, which she also aged out of, but that was only one term.)

I DO go over this stuff with him before I sign her up, bc I have to weigh what we can afford, what we can get scholarships for and what timing works where.  He usually is not interested in discussing it.

So even after saying all that, I don't think you're wrong at all.  I think some things need to change, and it's not all on him.

Thank you. :)


Quoting angelamiles05:

 I would have been mad that he went off in front of your kid. How ever it's very important to make him feel like he is involved in decision making. Sit down with a calendar and a pen and go over what going on. Chances are  he was frustrated about something else and just exploded... I do it all the time, lol. Make him feel needed stroke his ego.



Tal0n
by Member on Nov. 15, 2013 at 1:01 PM

That is AWESOME.  I call it beating the dead horse, with varying stages (is it glue yet?) or if I'm in a colorful mood, Thrice slaying the slain.

Spewing my spleen.  That is SO awesome.  It makes me giggle.  But totally.  Until I can resolve it in my own brain, I cannot make positive or any kind of meaningful, helpful solutions.  Until I get it right in my head, I have a tendency to be aggressive and resentful especially if he combines whatever happened with his passive-aggressive, condescending jerkwad act.  Nobody's perfect, but his condescension really fuels my anger-aggressiveness.  And since we've been doing it 20 years, we've pretty well got it down to a science.

I've been actively trying to break this buildup-blowup pattern for more than half our marriage.  Which means, since I can't make another person do what I want them to do, I have to change MY responses.  Which is hard, especially since these just come out of the blue.


GAH I'm shutting up now!!


Quoting mem82:

I do the same thing. I call it spewing my spleen. Once I get it out, I can move on and think of more positive ways of dealing with the problem. My husband gets amused because if given enough I can talk myself right back into a better mood.

Quoting Tal0n:

Thank you.  I'm sure it will, eventually.  I just need to beat the dead horse as it were, to get enough out of my system and make sure I'm not going to turn into a raging harpy when discussing this.

Hence, venting to ya'll!!


Quoting mem82:

I'm sorry. I hope things can get straightened out. My husband is good at silently building up.






TidewaterClan
by on Nov. 15, 2013 at 1:20 PM
1 mom liked this
That's what I figured because I hate being misunderstood too. Plus your husband was cruel to explode like that in front of your daughter, and I'd still be upset if that had happened to us.

Has he cooled off enough to talk to you about things?


Quoting Tal0n:

You're right, I apologize. 

I have a thing about being misunderstood, and when I'm REALLY misunderstood, and accused of something I REALLY don't/didn't do I get really upset.  I was seriously in a state of "WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"  To me, it wasn't just a case of getting details wrong, she was accusing me of abusing my husband.  I am sorry, that set me right off. 

It is a very long post, but she referenced my "physical abuse" from one of the replies where Dh and I were still dating and we negotiated a mutual respect agreement about me not responding physically and him not calling me stupid.  So she read replies where I said many times I didn't and don't hit him.  That I do feel like it sometimes, but I don't act on it, because that would be BAD.

I don't mind if people disagree with me, or get details wrong; yes I hate being misunderstood, but it can usually be worked out.  But the tone of her reply and her accusations really got under my skin.  It's not really a case of her missing a word here or there

But you're right.  I could have replied without cursing and should have.

So I apologize.  Without reservation.



Quoting TidewaterClan:

LoveShines, don't give up on this group just yet please.  99% of the posts are about education or education-related ideas, and there are some great ladies in here.


Talon - she simply misread your post, and it was a long one, so take it easy.  There's no need to curse at someone for disagreeing with you or getting the details wrong.  A simple "I wanted to hit him but didn't" would have sufficed.

Quoting LoveShines99:

You are seriously wanting to know why he bottles issues up? Because YOU HIT HIM!

Physical abuse is physical abuse no matter how you spin it. It's terrible that you seem to think you have a pass to hit your spouse because of your upbringing. Luckily, it sounds like he has enough RESPECT towards you and his daughter not to abuse you. Give your husband some time. He was asking to go see a movie. Get.over.it. He doesn't agree with the family schedule. Maybe talk to him about it. Let HIM have a say.



Frankly, I can't get over the fact you think physical abuse is justifiable. I'm blown away.



I'm new to this group and this is my first response. I'm pretty sure I'm deleting my account ASAP!





kirbymom
by Sonja on Nov. 15, 2013 at 2:24 PM
1 mom liked this
Oh sweety, you can vent anytime you need. I'm sorry I couldn't come up with better advice. Since I don't live there and you do, you have a clarity that we don't. And as I have been through some tough situations myself and been misjudged, for whatever reasons, I know that we are doing the best we can and those sitting in judgement don't have all needed information to actual make a correct judgement. Knowing this, I am sure that you and your hubby are trying to do the best that you can. You are absolutely correct when you say there isn't enough encouragement out there for parents. Which is why I try to be as encouraging as I can.

Sometimes we need to tweek our perceptive view(s) in order to get a better understanding of a situation or issue.



Quoting Tal0n:

I appreciate the advice, honestly.  It's good advice, and something I'd tell someone else in the same situation.  I also thank you most sincerely for good parent's plug.  Cause that's something parents can't hear enough of, especially when they feel like they're up to their eyeballs in ick.

But I do ask him, for all the good it does. I do not enjoy the buildup-blowups. Because I've known him twenty years I do check in with him.  He won't always own up to his emotions and I can't make him.  We've talked about this issue, many, many times.  Sooooo many times.  Because I got so tired of being blindsided by something I wasn't aware was an issue.  I can't make it NOT an issue if he won't talk about it.  But he doesn't like to talk.  He doesn't like to talk about our son who died, though he listens when I do, (it's not like he denies his existence or anything; he just has a different way of dealing with grief than I do and I bless our former primary care doctor for getting us into counseling together after Rhys died.) he doesn't like to think about things that upset him and he will not talk about something if he's completely blocking it.  He gets very defensive and passive aggressive.

Let me give you an example: He was gaming with his friends while his mother was dying.  We live in MI, she lived in FL with his sister.  His sister kept calling me, I kept calling him, and he was upset, but he was blocking so hard, his responses to me were, "What can I do about it from here?  Nothing."  I pointed out that he could be support for his sister, but couldn't get through the blocking.  FIVE YEARS LATER he realizes he handled that completely wrong and that I was right and he was sorry.

I know how he feels about the situation; we've been here before.  I know it SUCKS.  It sucks because we've done all the right things, and he works hard. He worked full time and went to school, got two degrees, is an excellent worker and employee (I ought to know; we met at work) and feels like a failure because he can't support his family.  And I do my best to help him deal in ways I know he deals.  But I also have to keep things going for Chibi, because if I don't do it, it don't get done.

And the major issue I have with this particular hissy fit is not his years build up of "resentment" (which I think is a crock...I'm pretty sure this is more about him losing his job and depression than anything else but again...he's not depressed, or if he is, it's not an issue, just ask him) but that he decided it was okay to let loose in the car about how unhappy he is with Chibi's schedule...with Chibi in the backseat.

I'm not okay with that.

But we'll deal and that's part of why I posted here, because I need to vent, and we cannot discuss this without fighting.  Because he will get defensive, and I'll pissed about that, because I just need to hash it out so I can get it right in my brain and he can't do that.  He just drops things when he's done.  Hence...Vent on Cafemom.

Voila.

Seriously, thank you.  Like tons.

Damnit: Edited to spell check...I got called away in the middle of this bc I am the only person who can warm Chibi's "warmie" (microwave heating pad) to the correct temperature.

Quoting kirbymom:Definitely "HUGS" are in need here. While you have valid points, have you taken any time to ask him what he's been thinking and feeling lately? Maybe he needs a hubby/wife day? Sometimes the stress of being the man and being the one who has to always
have answers to what is going on in the family and always be on can take a toll on a guy. Not that you aren't doing and feeling the same way but men just do nor handle emotional and stress the same way women do. Maybe you can be the one place your hubby can let his hair down, so to speak?

I, for one, think you both are doing a great job being parents with all the stress you both are under.


Quoting Tal0n:

I'm not going to hit you but you seem to have missed a few key points:

Yes, one free day with NOTHING.  Then I pointed out that there's only ONE day where she literally has no time for anything else. (that would be Tuesday, co-op day) 

All the other days are single activities that can be planned around (OR SKIPPED ENTIRELY) IF HE WOULD SPEAK UP.  Instead he says nothing, gets resentful then blows it all over me and Chibi.

I also pointed out that we currently have no money, no job (recent development, though when he was working it was less than 2/3'rds of what he used to make) and no reliable vehicle (and haven't for some time) and these are more an issue in not doing what he wants than Chibi's activities.

Also we had an ENTIRE summer where the only thing she did was JOAD and a couple of weeks of camp.  Did he suggest anything?  NOPE.

I only have so many spoons, and we only have so much funds and frankly I refuse to spend them both on a movie 2/3rds of the family is not at all interested in.  No, the movie itself is not the real issue.

I put my child's education first because I'm not a spoiled brat like Dh acts.  There are plenty of ways he could have gone about this and NOT spewed resentment all over Chibi and me.

I am aware that not all of this was made entirely clear in the Original Post.  When we DID have available funds and transportation and I wasn't so sick, we did lots of things.  Our situation has not been ideal for some time, and he needs to deal with the reality and put his resentment where it belongs.  On our situation as a whole, not on Chibi's schedule.


Quoting AutymsMommy:

Don't hit me.

You're putting your child's activities over your marriage and family activities. You said yourself that her activities only give one free day.

While my husband wouldn't blow up like that, he would not be happy with the schedule either.

Me thinks that if you're going to keep up with the schedule, you at least owe it to your husband to do an activity with him (like the movie he wanted to see) - tired or not.







KickButtMama
by Shannon on Nov. 15, 2013 at 4:07 PM
1 mom liked this

Ugh, I feel for you, we have gone through this for the past few years as well, even down to the Aspie child (though ours is a boy) 

HUGS, and vent away, then buy ear plugs..lol

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