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Hissy Fit Husband (VENT)

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Prequel: My husband, wonderful man though he is, has a record of bottling resentment up and then letting it explode all over everything with no warning that anything was EVER wrong.  I know this about him.  I've been with him 20 years, married for 18.  However, I cannot read his mind when he's actively suppressing resentment that's never reared its head before.

This gets long...so feel free to skip past.

This is about what happened yesterday.  Background is a tad long...sorry but I'm trying to give a full picture.  (of how INSANELY SELFISH Dh is being)

Dh was recently let go from his job.  His unemployment has been denied (we're fighting it) he recently got pulled over (cop was nice enough to give him the least "serious" ticket) and our car has not been reliable for long distances for a couple of years now.  We've had to cash in our four oh one kaay which is enough to make us sustainable or sustain us...not both.  We've lived through worse.


Chibi is 13 and for a few years now she's had activities on every day of the week except one.  Before this year it was Thursday.  Now it's Monday.  She's on the YMCA Swim Club which is 4 practices a week.  She's been in Swim Club since she was 9 at one YMCA (we're about equidistant from all the Y's in the area) and when the 2011 season started she asked if she could swim more.  Since all our YMCA's are registered under the same team, it was no issue to check out another Y which she had been involved with in the past.  (We switched when she decided she didn't want to do gymnastics and wanted yoga instead, plus Homeschool Swim & Gym)  We decided that yes, this would be a good thing and it has been.

Chibi has Aspergers.  She swims like a fish and has recently (despite placing high in some big swim meets in the past...and also placing poorly for her patented "strolling through the water") completely made the connection about competing and racing.  She was AWESOME.  She's no Olympian, but she went all out, every race and did really really well.  I am INSANELY proud of her. (and thankfully, Grandpa pays her YMCA membership and I've gotten scholarships for this term so she can stay in)

In addition to Swim Club, she has Homeschool Co-op day (Also scholarships since it started right after he lost his job) that's so close to home we WALK, from 10-4:30 pm, Teen Art Studio (which is FREE) at the local not-for-profit art center (which she has been deeply involved in since she was SIX and spoke at a fundraiser when she was eleven...the only kid who wrote AND practiced her speech, btw) and JOAD (Junior Olympic Archery Development) Saturday mornings from 9-11:30 AM.


So, yesterday Dh wanted to see a movie.  At the moment, Chibi and I would rather do almost anything else (for different reasons).  And it should be noted here that because of circumstances, Chibi had to miss both Sunday and Tuesday swim practice.  So yesterday, being Wednesday (also a practice day) she was really antsy to get back in the pool.

Dh was sulky and I asked him what was wrong. (Big mistake...I should have just let him simmer and sulk,but sue me, I CARE.)  And he explodes all over the car, spewing resentment that our schedule is centered around Chibi and isn't that part of the reason we homeschool so we can do things (with what money and car, pray-tell because while he was working we were still doing paycheck to paycheck) and HIS parents always did what they wanted regardless of what their children wanted.  All this in front of Chibi.  He kept saying, "I'm not angry at you Chibi" like that makes a difference to a 13 year old Aspie girl. (I talked to her later)

He's been resentful for a few years, so he says.  I say, tough shit.  Chibi is only a child for so long, and you IDIOT, she can miss a few things if we want to go do something if we actually have the means with which to DO IT.  There hasn't been, not for like four years.  Seriously.  But being resentful because your child has an active social life (OMG she's part of a TEAM that's been AWESOME for her...she's making FRIENDS and growing, especially since she's aged out of several of her old activities.  And I'd totally call his bullshit on his parents except his mother is dead and his stepdad is worthless.

I went to public school...the same school from pre-school thru graduation.  My parents worked their asses off, and while they weren't perfect (some of the things my mother did still pisses me off) they STILL supported me in everything I did.  My dad had things he wanted to do other than work Band Bingo, but he did it...for me.  He went to every game of mine he could, and even some practices, (he was there for one of my finer moments when during a summer practice I dumped my coach on his ass) they were there for every play, every concert, everything they could manage.  Plus my two brother's stuff.  Now, we lived way in the middle of nowhere and sometimes I had to find a ride, and sometimes I had to wait an hour or two after a practice for a pick-up.  And sometimes in the mornings, my mother would take the phone off the hook so she wouldn't be disturbed.  Like I said.  Not perfect.

My long, long getting to the point is...Dh doesn't seem to understand that when we chose to have children, that YES OUR LIVES ARE GOING TO REVOLVE AROUND THAT CHILD TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.  But she can miss things, nobody will die, IF WE PLAN IN ADVANCE.  Frankly I hate leaving my house for any reason except Chibi needs to get to places.  (I have a chronic auto-immune disease and frankly it's exahusting along with dealing with depression, anxiety and the side effects from the treatment I WAS on, which was WORKING until we no longer had insurance.)  I take Chibi to everything, with the exception of JOAD which I make Dh take her to occasionally (which is where he got the ticket last week *sigh*).  And he got her into that.

With the exception of Tuesday, which is a LONG day, (Co-op from 10 AM to 4:30 PM, then Swim Club from 6-7:30 PM) there's PLENTY OF TIME to do things.  Oh, but not every other Saturday bc Dh RPG's with his friends.

So there's my long-assed vent about Dh's selfish bullshit.  He's resentful about Chibi's schedule, dating back so far when we've not had money OR transportation to do any of the things EITHER of us want to do.  Chibi is older now, her friends play an important role in her life and her activities, her routine is important to her.  I know he's upset about losing his job.  I get it. But I swear I almost decked him in the car for that explosion WITH CHIBI IN THE CAR.  INAPPROPRIATE, DUMBASS.  A fucking petulant child, I swear.


So...VENT OVER.  I'm not going to make Chibi give up her THREE WHOLE ACTIVITIES because he's a whiny baby. 

If you got this far, thanks.   Seriously.  I really needed to get this out bc he's also a passive-aggressive douchebag when it comes to disagreements and just walks off while I'm still trying to process his bullshit. I NEED to beat the dead horse in order to resolve shit like this.  It's just how I am, how I've always been, and arguments are not over just because he wants them to be over.

SHUTTING UP NOW.

by on Nov. 14, 2013 at 11:26 AM
Replies (31-36):
KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Nov. 15, 2013 at 10:36 PM

I'm going to comment on the flip side, and let me say this isn't intended to be judgey and you can take what I'm noticing with whatever grains of salt that you'd like.   Also, want to lay the foundation that I struggle with being the one more in charge in our home and my husband often will do that, too.   Where he shoves it down and then it all comes out at once..

Now, for my comment.

First, it was his choice as a grown man to deal with his mother's death how he dealt with it.   It really wasn't your place to "parent' him into a better reaction.   That sets up a poor dynamic for your relationship when you correct him how he should react.   If he dropped the ball and didn't support his sister, that's between him and his sister unless he ask you for advice.  If she kept calling you, it was your decision if you kept answering her calls, or let it go to voice mail or suggesting she call HIS phone instead.

Second, he's stressed from a job loss, which is a big big big big deal to a man.   My husband was thrown into a major depression over his first serious lay off.

Third, it sounds like the "explosion" in the car was well articulated and specific.   He doesn't sound like he got to cussing, name calling, etc...   He felt how he felt and it sounds like he also felt he wasn't being considered or heard.    When he started telling you how he felt, did you respond by disagreeing with him?   Or did you sit there and not say a word?   Or did it become an explosion because you were BOTH disagreeing?

Because some of the stuff you said he was saying sounds like it was stuff he was saying in response to stuff you were saying,... which really makes the responsibility for the discussion happening in front of Chibi BOTH of your issue.   

Besides, I can see some of his points.   He's telling you that he remembers his parents doing things for themselves, TOO...  sure, maybe comparing isn't the best way to bring it across, but he's telling you that he wants and NEEDS a little more out of life for himself (and you) and that your lives shouldn't REVOLVE around the kids although you seem to think your life should.   I see some very different points of view.

Anyway, this is really long and I don't mean it to be.   I also don't mean it to sound rude.    You posted, and we can only base responses on your posts.

So, my opinion, if you don't mind hearing it... is that you are too controlling toward your husband and your family life.

Example being that you are the only one that can heat up Chibi's thing to the right temp.   Well... let the two of them figure it out when you can't do it.   Don't make it out that he's doing it wrong... if Chibi has a meltdown because it's not the right temp, then Daddy should be learning to parent his child and either fix it or work with her through her meltdown.   You really have to allow that.  It's between the two of them.   If Chibi complains to you, tell her to calmly ask her Dad to reheat it or to let it cool off for a bit.   Aspie or not, she is growing up and can use these situations to learn how to communicate her needs better.  Stop having to fix it!




tansyflower
by Member on Nov. 16, 2013 at 8:58 AM

my husband holds everything in too.  5 years in i am much better at seeing him getting close to that exploding point than i was at the beginning of our marriage.  just a few weeks ago i brought up the fact that even when he has a lot on his plate he needs to take time to do the things he enjoys.  thats his number one resentment.  he literally is too busy working and taking care of the farm and juggling two little ones and me to go hunting or ice fishing or just spend a snuggly day on the couch with his family.  sometimes i literally have to poke at him and poke at him until he finally listens to me and takes that time to decompress.  and you know what?  i am guilty of the same thing.  i rarely get out of the house or take time for myself or for us and it can eat at me too.

in your husbands case i am sure the stress being home all the time and lack of finances is making his attitude worse.  and while he is right in his own way (everyone needs some fun down time) his approach was totally wrong.  it might be hard to do, but instead of holding onto the hurt maybe it would be better to plan a date night for the two of you and take some time to be with him to reconnect.  does that mean you condone what he did?  no.  but it means you heard what he was feeling through all the crap and understand that he feels like he needs a little more one on one attention.  he just doesnt know how to ask for it.

and i know your daughter has asperbergers but seeing conflict (and hopefully conflict resolution) is something that you can use as a learning tool.  sit down with her.  explain to her why dad got upset and show her that holding in your feeling can hurt other people.  be blunt, be honest, have dad be a part of the conversation if he is willing.  arguing is only bad when something positive doesnt come out of it.  and after 18 years i would only assume that you do love this man and so does your daughter.  so step forward with a forgiving heart, try to let him know you love him unconditionally and reassure your daughter that even though you fight once in a blue moon that you both still love each other and her.

good luck mama (((hugs)))

debramommyof4
by Silver Member on Nov. 16, 2013 at 10:03 AM
I love love love this idea. My husband and I revolve around our children and neither of us mind. But when we start to feel like roommates and one of us notices we take the time to comment on good things about each other. Do something special for the other person or go on a date just us. The date my be as simple as going for a walk or to play at the local park, but the only rule is no kids.

Quoting tansyflower:

my husband holds everything in too.  5 years in i am much better at seeing him getting close to that exploding point than i was at the beginning of our marriage.  just a few weeks ago i brought up the fact that even when he has a lot on his plate he needs to take time to do the things he enjoys.  thats his number one resentment.  he literally is too busy working and taking care of the farm and juggling two little ones and me to go hunting or ice fishing or just spend a snuggly day on the couch with his family.  sometimes i literally have to poke at him and poke at him until he finally listens to me and takes that time to decompress.  and you know what?  i am guilty of the same thing.  i rarely get out of the house or take time for myself or for us and it can eat at me too.

in your husbands case i am sure the stress being home all the time and lack of finances is making his attitude worse.  and while he is right in his own way (everyone needs some fun down time) his approach was totally wrong.  it might be hard to do, but instead of holding onto the hurt maybe it would be better to plan a date night for the two of you and take some time to be with him to reconnect.  does that mean you condone what he did?  no.  but it means you heard what he was feeling through all the crap and understand that he feels like he needs a little more one on one attention.  he just doesnt know how to ask for it.

and i know your daughter has asperbergers but seeing conflict (and hopefully conflict resolution) is something that you can use as a learning tool.  sit down with her.  explain to her why dad got upset and show her that holding in your feeling can hurt other people.  be blunt, be honest, have dad be a part of the conversation if he is willing.  arguing is only bad when something positive doesnt come out of it.  and after 18 years i would only assume that you do love this man and so does your daughter.  so step forward with a forgiving heart, try to let him know you love him unconditionally and reassure your daughter that even though you fight once in a blue moon that you both still love each other and her.

good luck mama (((hugs)))

Tal0n
by Member on Nov. 16, 2013 at 10:11 AM

I'm not offended or reading your post as rude.

I probably can't hit everything at once where I am, but I REALLY need to point out that I didn't in any way, shape or form "Parent" my husband into how he should deal with his mother's death.  I gave my opinion when he asked me during that long day when he asked me what he was supposed to do.  For me, it was a no  brainer.  I was the one being Melanie's support (and I was this close to calling relatives to book transport to be with her as she was entirely alone) and the gobetween between two siblings and their mother dying. Had it been a necessity, that would have been one thing.  But he was literally playing with his friends and blocking and he realized on his OWN years later that he had been wrong.

Long after he'd gone down to help Mel with all the arrangements, long after had a big, passive aggressive fight (wherein I wrote for him what I would say to him about how they were both behaving but noting it's none of my business to get inbetween siblings.  He wanted me to...he liked it and saved it and months later when she accused ME standing in the way of their relationship, Dh was like, REALLY? Because here's this letter, detailing this time about how she feels about the way I'm handling it.

I guess I really resent the "parenting" label put on this as we're a partnership and I supported him and he eventually came to his own conclusions that he had handled it badly. that there had indeed been something he could have done right then and told me about it.

Yes, he is majorly stressed due to our situation.  This isn't our first rodeo.  And the sicker I get due to not having insurance (we can't get assistance bc we had to cash in our four oh one kaay and I have to stop here; Chibi's arrow rest broke.  Will come back to this when I'm home.

Quick edit I missed: She could not contact him where he was at.  It's a confusing situation, but the phone tag was the only way and like hell was I going to turn my SIL away while my MIL was dying. More when I'm on my own computer.

Quoting KrissyKC:

I'm going to comment on the flip side, and let me say this isn't intended to be judgey and you can take what I'm noticing with whatever grains of salt that you'd like.   Also, want to lay the foundation that I struggle with being the one more in charge in our home and my husband often will do that, too.   Where he shoves it down and then it all comes out at once..

Now, for my comment.

First, it was his choice as a grown man to deal with his mother's death how he dealt with it.   It really wasn't your place to "parent' him into a better reaction.   That sets up a poor dynamic for your relationship when you correct him how he should react.   If he dropped the ball and didn't support his sister, that's between him and his sister unless he ask you for advice.  If she kept calling you, it was your decision if you kept answering her calls, or let it go to voice mail or suggesting she call HIS phone instead.

Second, he's stressed from a job loss, which is a big big big big deal to a man.   My husband was thrown into a major depression over his first serious lay off.

Third, it sounds like the "explosion" in the car was well articulated and specific.   He doesn't sound like he got to cussing, name calling, etc...   He felt how he felt and it sounds like he also felt he wasn't being considered or heard.    When he started telling you how he felt, did you respond by disagreeing with him?   Or did you sit there and not say a word?   Or did it become an explosion because you were BOTH disagreeing?

Because some of the stuff you said he was saying sounds like it was stuff he was saying in response to stuff you were saying,... which really makes the responsibility for the discussion happening in front of Chibi BOTH of your issue.   

Besides, I can see some of his points.   He's telling you that he remembers his parents doing things for themselves, TOO...  sure, maybe comparing isn't the best way to bring it across, but he's telling you that he wants and NEEDS a little more out of life for himself (and you) and that your lives shouldn't REVOLVE around the kids although you seem to think your life should.   I see some very different points of view.

Anyway, this is really long and I don't mean it to be.   I also don't mean it to sound rude.    You posted, and we can only base responses on your posts.

So, my opinion, if you don't mind hearing it... is that you are too controlling toward your husband and your family life.

Example being that you are the only one that can heat up Chibi's thing to the right temp.   Well... let the two of them figure it out when you can't do it.   Don't make it out that he's doing it wrong... if Chibi has a meltdown because it's not the right temp, then Daddy should be learning to parent his child and either fix it or work with her through her meltdown.   You really have to allow that.  It's between the two of them.   If Chibi complains to you, tell her to calmly ask her Dad to reheat it or to let it cool off for a bit.   Aspie or not, she is growing up and can use these situations to learn how to communicate her needs better.  Stop having to fix it!






jen2150
by Silver Member on Nov. 16, 2013 at 10:42 AM
1 mom liked this
Everyone holds things in to a certain degree. It is how we eventually express it that really makes a difference. Personally I think you need to start putting your husband first. Your chid will be grown eventually. Your husband needs to work on communication but getting mad is not going to help. You have every right to be upset but so does your husband. Talk to one another schedule some time together. You said you are only willing to leave for your child's activities. How do you think that makes your husband feel? Look at things from his point of view and he will be more likely to see things fro your point of view. Fighting and yelling never helps a marriage. We all make mistakes in marriage when dealing with stress. I hope and wish you both well. Go see a movie together. It could be a lot of fun.
JATomlinson
by on Nov. 22, 2013 at 4:12 PM

Ok, don't take this the wrong way, I'm not saying anybody's wrong or that you're wrong to feel like you do (everyone has a right to feel however they want to), but I feel like you are overlooking his emotional needs.  If he walks off, it's because he's stonewalling you because he feels disrespected and respect to a man is like love is to a woman.  I get that you should definitely be involved in your child's life, and that you could have taken time off from those activities if you had planned in advance, and I'm not saying his outburst was right, but I feel like you're ignoring everything he tried to tell you in that outburst.  It seems just from what you've said (maybe I'm missing something here) that he feels left out, lonely, isolated, and that he wants some attention from you, that he wants to be the center of your attention for just a little while.  I read a book called Love and Respect... it played a pretty huge part in the way I saw the arguments I used to have with my husband.  The book calls it the crazy cycle and actually does a really good job of explaining why men talk or act the way they do, and I felt like it was pretty spot on about women's actions and reactions also (at least for me).  At the very least, the book would be worth a read if for no other reason than to help you understand him and to stop the crazy cycle before it even gets started.  Since reading Love and Respect and The Love Dare, the arguments with and angry male outbursts from hubby have gone from 1 or 2 a day to maybe 1 every other month.  Even if you didn't say any of the things about your husband to him that you just said to us, you might have come off in attitutde towards him as disrespectful, becuase right what you just said to us seemed a bit disrespectful in your view of him.  Even if you don't feel he deserves respect, you should still give it to him, just like he should still act lovingly to you even if he doesn't feel you deserve it.  Love to you is what respect is to him, and like most or all men, he'll definitely walk away from a situation if he feels like he's not getting that emotional need of respect being met.  Men think, 'I'd better walk away now before I get hurt more and before I say something mean or un-loving that I'm going to regret later'.  When you give a guy disrespect in any way, even unintentionally, they equate that to you despising them, so they shut down and stonewall you, wanting the whole thing to be over with.


I'm not an expert, I'm not saying anybody's wrong, I'm just saying reading that book was really an eye opener and really really helped us, even though my husband never read it and I never told him about it.  I was surprised, once I started giving my husband respect in attitude actions and words, how loving he became towards me, how he stopped stonewalling me, how he stopped having angry outbursts.  I think to say that a man should just 'grow up' basically saying get over his emotions, that's offensive, just like it would be offensive to any woman on earth if she were upset or crying and a man said, 'grow up, get over it.'  They may seem like emotional, infantile neanderthals sometimes, but they have emotions and emotional needs too, and just like a woman if they don't get those needs met they feel hurt and will act out unlovingly, same way if a woman feels unloved she'll act out dis-respectfully towards her husband.


Anyway, I'm not trying to start an argument here.  Everything here is written in love, and I'm just trying to help, becuase I've been back from the brink of divorce because of the crazy cycle that was going on in our own marriage, and divorce isn't good for anybody especially not the kids.

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