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An update on my little "explosion" ( 5 yr old Abby ) -- starting to really heart-hurt over her.

Posted by on Dec. 14, 2013 at 11:04 PM
  • 16 Replies

Some of you know what I've been talking about with Abby.   She is the wild child that is like a huge explosion every time she is around.   I love this little girl soooo much, but even as her mother, I hit exhaustion with her explosive, in-your-face behavior several times a day.

I feel like this baby (and I say that because I know she's still little and has a tender heart) is in trouble CONSTANTLY.   No amount of redirection works with her.   Nothing has helped.   Her siblings are growing seriously short tempered with her and part of me doesn't blame them.   However, now they have taken to kicking her out before she can even join them, and it just breaks my heart.

Examples, she walks over and sweetly asks to sit on your lap to read a book.   You start reading and she leans her face right into yours and starts picking her nose.   You have her go wash and return and start reading again, and within moments she is back to being in your face (like two inches from your nose) and sucking her thumb and picking her nose again.   You FINALLY get that behavior stopped and you are in the middle of reading to her again and she starts ticking her head from side to side so hard, she knocks you in the forehead... you get THAT behavior stopped and she starts licking her hand all over... from the wrist, up the palm, down the between the fingers and along the back of the hand...   again... two inches from your face... 

This type of weird behavior continues, with you calmly trying to address it.. or tell her if she cannot keep her fingers out of her mouth and a reasonable distance from your face (she is so close, you can't read the book).. you tell her this seriously and she snorts and laughs and starts "rattlilng" her head like a clock again... this time making loud clicking noises.

So, you send her to her room and let her find something else to do on her own since she's being just GROSS and disrespectful on your lap and she looks at you like you have just crushed her entire spirit.   When she gets in her room, she starts throwing things and yelling.   You try to ignore it, but the throwing gets more violent until you finally go in there and escalate the dicipline.

And in the end, you still have a little girl that just really needs to be loved on, but her behavior just makes that so dang impossible.

So... I go in there and help her make her bed and tell her how much I love her.   (this is about 20 or so minutes later so it's not right away)..   we discuss her behavior and how it's just not appreciated to be licking her hand that close to some one's face, picking her nose, sucking her thumb and accidentally banging foreheads because she is TOO close to some one's face and she's being goofy and not paying attention to the story she just asked some one to read to her. 

I just don't know what to do.   I can't reach her.   She snorts at you when you try to talk to her.   She just plain "act a fool" to an extreme.   We get very short bouts of homeschooling in...  and I'm no dummy... I try EVERYTHING to make this a hands-on and multi-faceted approach.  I put a TON of enthusiasm in it and it's just burning me out.

I'm ready to have her evaluated... and I feel miserable because it feels more like defeat than a solution.  The teachers in school were pushing me toward evaluating the other two and talking possible meds and such... but I thought they were silly.. I don't have too many issues teaching the other two.

Abby?  She's another story, and she is ALWAYS getting pushed away and told no because she is so extreme in everyone's faces all the time.   I'm ALWAYS on her about leaving the baby alone.   He is laid back and calm except around her.   She just has to look at him and he gears up for a fight and starts screaming "ow" at her...

Lord God, my heart really hurts over her.


by on Dec. 14, 2013 at 11:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Jinx-Troublex3
by Jinx on Dec. 14, 2013 at 11:17 PM

I would be talking to her pediatrician about this. It seems a lot like sensory seeking behavior.

TidewaterClan
by on Dec. 14, 2013 at 11:18 PM
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Getting her evaluated may be the best thing you've ever done for her and the rest of your family, including yourself.

Does it seem like she just can't stop herself from doing these things? I tried everything (including ideas from the Internet) here. I knew it was beyond me once my daughter Haley started washing (and washing and washing) her hands and then doing other rituals. She just couldn't make herself stop.

She sees a terrific therapist (for OCD) once a month now, and takes Zoloft each night. I was extremely nervous about her being on meds, but the increased serotonin from the Zoloft has done so much for her, and allowed her break free from the rituals of OCD to be herself.

Please let us know about Abby's evaluation. The psychiatrist who prescribes Haley's Zoloft said the younger the better for treatment (non-med like therapy included).
Jenn8604
by Member on Dec. 14, 2013 at 11:22 PM
Have you had her tested for sensory processing disorder and autism spectrum disorder? She sounds like she could be both.
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JKronrod
by Bronze Member on Dec. 14, 2013 at 11:35 PM

Oh honey, that's so hard.  Do you feel that she's able to control the behaviors when she wants to?  I mean, if there is something special that she really wants, is she able to control herself? Also, is she WANTING the conflict?  In other words, is it that she truly wants you to read her a book or whatever, or is it that she wants the negative attention that comes from doing the gross behavior -- or that she can control your behavior by doing something gross?  I'm not saying this is fully conscious on her part, but your need to figure out WHY the behavior is occurring before you can address it.  (And yes, I know I'm stating the obvious, but sometimes the obvious bears repeating, especially when you are under the emotional stress of dealing with this kind of thing in a child you love.)   

I do have an idea with respect to the escalation when she goes to her room.  I would think that the yelling the throwing things is either (a) frustration at her own behavior -- and loss of what she wants or (b) a continuation of trying to gain negative attention (And I know that some people say that enough positive attention will overcome a need to negative attention, but in my experience that's not always the case.  For some kids there seems to be a "control issue" involved, and they don't get that with the positive attention)

I think that maybe rather than trying to correct the behavior when it occurs you might try "training" her to sit quietly without the disruptive behaviors.  Make it a game: say sitting in a chair for 1 minute without moving a muscle.  Then two minutes, then three, etc.   Have a reward. Have it a competition with you, have her do this while balancing a book on her head, etc.  If she can learn do that it may allow her to sit quietly when you read or whatever.  This also allows her to have control over what is going on in her world, which as I suggested above may be part of the problem.  It may also provide some clue as to whether she is actually able to control her behavior.

The other thing that you might try is to not respond to the negative behaviors other than to get her out of your face when she does them.  In other words, if she's doing this to get negative attention (punishment or comment or whatever), don't give it to her.  If she asks why the reading is stopping, tell her that you just don't want to read when she does ____.  And then do another activity.  Don't send her to her room so that she can create havoc.  If she if expressing frustration it's not helpful, and if she wants negative attention she'll be better able to get it if she throws things in her room.  The point is to make sure that she doesn't get the 'control hit' she wants through the unpleasant behaviors. 

There's little I can suggest with respect to the other children.  I'm still dealing with that one myself!

jamamama00
by on Dec. 14, 2013 at 11:39 PM
Sounds a lot like my autistic dd. We actually had a delay in diagnoses because all I read was how autistic kids wanted space, but she was allllll up in my space. This was before autism was as talked about as it is now, and now I know better.
debramommyof4
by Silver Member on Dec. 14, 2013 at 11:41 PM
An evaluation is not a failure if she truly needs one. I would probably start with a child play therapist and see what she says.

My 7 year old does stuff like that when she gets stressed and freaks out. It takes structure, And patience and lots of diet changes, especially taking out all red dye 40, to get my wonderful, smart and kind child. Oh and outside play daily.
KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Dec. 14, 2013 at 11:42 PM

Thank you ladies, yes, I do believe she thrives on conflict.  No, I don't think it's fully concious.   I know that she is always moving... like driven by a high speed, continuous motor.   She goes goes goes goes... and when she does drop, though, she drops hard.

We have SEVERE bed wetting, and also potty problems when she is angry and pretty much all the time.  She still pees and poops her pants a lot!   We keep having to "ground" her from groups/classes that she is old enough for because she won't control her body functions (can, but won't)...

Then, when we let her go back after she does good for a few weeks, the first day she goes back to class/group, she poops her pants really bad and is grounded all over again.



KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Dec. 14, 2013 at 11:44 PM
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I will call her pedi after the holidays.   I just don't want to go through all this right now with the holidays in mid swing.   I just feel awful...

On the other hand, I had problems like this as a child, and it explains a lot.   My mother, however, was unable to handle me and it turned into pretty severe abuse.   I want better for my child.



KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Dec. 14, 2013 at 11:47 PM
2 moms liked this

oh, on the flip side... my elder daughter, Kaycee, who has given me a run for the money this past year or so... she's been doing AMAZING.   Something has been clicking with her and she's just really stepped into her skin.  I think 12 is going to be a good year for her.   (she just turned on the 4th)...

She is really starting to have success in some of her areas of struggle, and something happened that she got a real confidence boost lately,... don't know what, but she is feeling a lot better about herself and enjoying life.   The down side is that she likes a boy... grr...


KrissyKC
by Silver Member on Dec. 14, 2013 at 11:58 PM

How did you feel when you were going through this process.   I feel like a rotten person that it really is filling me with sorrow over "possible" autism or other issues.  I mean, I feel guilty that a diagnosis like this bothers me, like I should be more accepting of who God made her to be, and I'm really digging my heels in wanting my kid to be... "typical"...  I just want to cry.   I mean, if it's autism, there's not really a medicine for that... I mean, it's just who she is.... but I feel like it's just a "no hope" kind of diagnosis.   Then, I feel guilty for seeing it that way.


Quoting jamamama00: Sounds a lot like my autistic dd. We actually had a delay in diagnoses because all I read was how autistic kids wanted space, but she was allllll up in my space. This was before autism was as talked about as it is now, and now I know better.


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