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Homeschooling Moms Homeschooling Moms

This is my second year homeschooling and within the past few weeks my dh has gotten very  critical of everything I'm doing. .He keeps pointing out differences between hs and public school and says I'm wrong about everything . Just some of his complaints:  He's insisting the boys ( 7 and 4 ) need to be up and dressed at the same time as kids going to ps. He wants school to be run on a routine with a schedule and thinks we shouldn't work at the kitchen table, but at desks. He thinks they need to be with other children in a classroom. School has to be finished when he gets home at 4:30 and he gets upset if I have my 7 year old work on the computer while I'm making dinner.. Everyday he adds to his list. Last night he asked if the local Catholic school has openings. A little late for that- school starts today in our district.

Dh is not involved in any way in the boys' education, could pretty much care less what they're doing academically even though I try to include him. All he can see is it doesn't look like ps and that upsets him. My 7 year old has a language disorder and would be in a resource class if he were in ps, but is able to work on grade level at home. He did K in ps and it was a disaster. My 4 year old is starting to read and write and is very creative and now dh says I need to put him in ps Kindergarten next year.   He told me last night LO has nothing to look forward to in the mornings. We're very involved in our local hs groups, they go on weekly field trips and they are in other activities besides so they are around other kids a lot and out in the community.

 I'm so frustrated. banging head into wall

by on Aug. 8, 2014 at 8:29 AM
Replies (11-20):
Bluecalm
by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 1:03 PM
I think it's from talking to coworkers about back to school stuff and it makes him question homeschooling.

Quoting LostTheSlipper:

Who has he been talking to? Why is he demanding this stuff? Seems kind of odd if you weren't doing it that way before and he was okay with it.

Bluecalm
by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 1:28 PM
Unfortunately he isn't interested in research ever, on any topic. He doesn't bow to any authorities or experts. Rolling my eyes.

Quoting kirbymom: I have to agree with this. Do some research yourself and then have a copy of it "handy" when dh comments on the way you are schooling. Mabey if he can "read/ see the pros and cons he'd have a better understanding and not be as negative in his comments or his expectations.

Quoting AutymsMommy:

Yes, I would tread diplomatically and I would (gently) urge you not make this a hill your marriage would die on. We all know that push come to shove, in the event of a divorce and it going to a judge, the end result would likely be that the boys end up in public school, because that's the court default. Then what would be solved?

If I were in your situation, I might quietly suggest, every time he brings it up, that you will "listen to his concerns when he shows you that he's done some research".

Quoting Bluecalm:


Quoting Bleacheddecay:

I'd have to sit him down and  really talk to him about why I was doing homeschooling and what I need from him. He can be as stupid and mean as he wants about it but that's not what you and the boys need. So he can also choose to be educated about it and kind if he wants too. I'm so sorry. *HUGS*


 You know, he really is being stupid and mean about it. Ok, I feel a little better now.  I was looking at it from the perspective of what I am doing wrong. He's chosen not to learn about hs and doesn't participate, so he needs to stay out of it. If they went to ps he would be even less involved-maybe that's what he would prefer and why hsing bothers him. This would really be my hill to die on in our marriage because it's that important for the boys. Now I just need to say all that a little more diplomatically.

mem82
by Platinum Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 4:18 PM
Do you think he wants you to go back to work?
Bluecalm
by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 4:48 PM
Maybe. I retired with a good pension but he'd probably like me to bring in a paycheck on top of that.

Quoting mem82: Do you think he wants you to go back to work?
Molimomma
by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 5:15 PM

Ugh, Lord save me from talking to coworkers and coming home to stir up a pot that was cooking just fine! My DH has done that before. Only once did it actually help me, 1 of his co-workers actually has 4 kiddos his wife was wanting to homeschool. It's hard when your husband comes home questioning everything especially when you feel it is going well and you are doing a good job. I have discovered that being a SAHM and homeschooler is a lot harder than teaching public school was because you don't have much feedback or accolades about what you are doing. There aren't many to celebrate your successes and plenty to feed into your doubts. I would try and have a calm sit-down with your husband and tell him how his words make you feel. Share with him that you are not looking to school at home but want your kids to work comfortably and if their concentration/retention is better doing it the way you are doing it why do you need to change it. Discuss what your family's goals are with homeschooling. Is it to love learning/reading/exploring, etc? Is it to master skills and show progress/understanding? Is it to have good posture and complete work in a formal setting? Maybe if you include him in the planning/goal setting and then do a few check-ups on the progress towards those goals he won't come home and give you a guilt trip that you are doing it wrong or the kids are missing out. Best of luck, it sounds like you are doing a great job to me!

Quoting Bluecalm: I think it's from talking to coworkers about back to school stuff and it makes him question homeschooling."


Bluecalm
by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 5:32 PM
I'm ready to go have lunch with my hubby and have a word with his pot stirring buddies lol. You're right, it's so different from teaching school. I have shown him work they're doing and he always asks if that's what kids their age in public school are doing. Maybe I need to post the grade level expectations for this district and check them off as I cover them lol.

Quoting Molimomma:

Ugh, Lord save me from talking to coworkers and coming home to stir up a pot that was cooking just fine! My DH has done that before. Only once did it actually help me, 1 of his co-workers actually has 4 kiddos his wife was wanting to homeschool. It's hard when your husband comes home questioning everything especially when you feel it is going well and you are doing a good job. I have discovered that being a SAHM and homeschooler is a lot harder than teaching public school was because you don't have much feedback or accolades about what you are doing. There aren't many to celebrate your successes and plenty to feed into your doubts. I would try and have a calm sit-down with your husband and tell him how his words make you feel. Share with him that you are not looking to school at home but want your kids to work comfortably and if their concentration/retention is better doing it the way you are doing it why do you need to change it. Discuss what your family's goals are with homeschooling. Is it to love learning/reading/exploring, etc? Is it to master skills and show progress/understanding? Is it to have good posture and complete work in a formal setting? Maybe if you include him in the planning/goal setting and then do a few check-ups on the progress towards those goals he won't come home and give you a guilt trip that you are doing it wrong or the kids are missing out. Best of luck, it sounds like you are doing a great job to me!

Quoting Bluecalm: I think it's from talking to coworkers about back to school stuff and it makes him question homeschooling."

kirbymom
by Sonja on Aug. 9, 2014 at 7:30 PM
Well, hopefully you will find a way that helps him understand how important this is for your family.

Quoting Bluecalm: Unfortunately he isn't interested in research ever, on any topic. He doesn't bow to any authorities or experts. Rolling my eyes.

Quoting kirbymom: I have to agree with this. Do some research yourself and then have a copy of it "handy" when dh comments on the way you are schooling. Mabey if he can "read/ see the pros and cons he'd have a better understanding and not be as negative in his comments or his expectations.

Quoting AutymsMommy:

Yes, I would tread diplomatically and I would (gently) urge you not make this a hill your marriage would die on. We all know that push come to shove, in the event of a divorce and it going to a judge, the end result would likely be that the boys end up in public school, because that's the court default. Then what would be solved?

If I were in your situation, I might quietly suggest, every time he brings it up, that you will "listen to his concerns when he shows you that he's done some research".

Quoting Bluecalm:


Quoting Bleacheddecay:

I'd have to sit him down and  really talk to him about why I was doing homeschooling and what I need from him. He can be as stupid and mean as he wants about it but that's not what you and the boys need. So he can also choose to be educated about it and kind if he wants too. I'm so sorry. *HUGS*


 You know, he really is being stupid and mean about it. Ok, I feel a little better now.  I was looking at it from the perspective of what I am doing wrong. He's chosen not to learn about hs and doesn't participate, so he needs to stay out of it. If they went to ps he would be even less involved-maybe that's what he would prefer and why hsing bothers him. This would really be my hill to die on in our marriage because it's that important for the boys. Now I just need to say all that a little more diplomatically.

MessedUpMama
by Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 8:24 PM

Try to get him to explain why he thinks they need to be up and dressed for school just like the other children.

 Why does he think that sitting at a desk would be better than sitting at the kitchen table?

Does he realize that they would both be doing homework every day after school, and that they would most likely be doing it after he gets home? (Children around here who ride the bus to school get home around 4:00, and have a couple of hours of homework everyday. Even in Kindergarten they have quite a bit of homework every day.)

If he is worried that they will not be "on grade level" with their work, tell him that that is the beauty of homeschooling. They get to work ahead of grade level if they want to, and they can take a bit longer if they need the time to actually learn it.

As long as you are not one of the "bad" homeschoolers who just let their children run amok, your children will learn things because you can take the time to make sure they know it, in public school they can't always take the time some children need to finally "get" it. Smart children can't always advance as fast as they need to either. Maybe if he actually thinks about why he believes those things he will come to see that he is really just allowing others (his co-workers for example) to tell him what to think when it comes to schooling his children.

Bluecalm
by Bronze Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 12:10 AM
He thinks sitting at a desk is more like school. He really needs to be deschooled!
I think he's forgetting about homework and realizing how nice it is our evenings can be spent together.
I also don't think my dh considers that if my ODS had stayed in PS he would have been retained in kindergarten last year and in a resource class. He would have been in first grade in a special ed class instead of second grade like he is now. My little guy just turned 4 and he's learning so much.

Quoting MessedUpMama:

Try to get him to explain why he thinks they need to be up and dressed for school just like the other children.


 Why does he think that sitting at a desk would be better than sitting at the kitchen table?


Does he realize that they would both be doing homework every day after school, and that they would most likely be doing it after he gets home? (Children around here who ride the bus to school get home around 4:00, and have a couple of hours of homework everyday. Even in Kindergarten they have quite a bit of homework every day.)


If he is worried that they will not be "on grade level" with their work, tell him that that is the beauty of homeschooling. They get to work ahead of grade level if they want to, and they can take a bit longer if they need the time to actually learn it.


As long as you are not one of the "bad" homeschoolers who just let their children run amok, your children will learn things because you can take the time to make sure they know it, in public school they can't always take the time some children need to finally "get" it. Smart children can't always advance as fast as they need to either. Maybe if he actually thinks about why he believes those things he will come to see that he is really just allowing others (his co-workers for example) to tell him what to think when it comes to schooling his children.

MessedUpMama
by Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 1:52 AM

 Is the point to be like school or for the kids to learn? If they need to learn things I would say that whatever works best for that child is the best choice.

You tried PS with your ODS, it wasn't working for him.

Your younger one isn't kindergarten age yet. He would have to wait until he turned 5, which means he would miss out on a whole year of schooling.

Special education class rooms are not designed with academics in mind, they focus much more on behavior. They might have passed him on into first grade in the special class, and now he would be in second grade, but he would NOT have been doing grade level work.

My DS is 11, he has mild CP, he is so far sighted that he should not have been able to read which we didn't find out until he was in third grade, he has some delays in language which amount to him being about a year behind the average kids his age in the kinds of conversations he has and the things he's interested in. He was tested at the end of third grade in public school at being second grade first month for everything except reading. It wasn't because of his disabilities, but because of the actual class work he was doing in the special ed class.

Maybe remind him of these things. Find out what he so worried about, Is it really about doing it like school? Does he really think that a public school would be better, or is he afraid that they won't make friends if they don't go to school? Can't they make friends in church or homeschool groups? Don't brush aside his worries, but address them. If he is getting these ideas from his friends at work addressing them and being willing to discuss them will go a long way to helping him see that for your children homeschooling is the better choice, at least for now.

Quoting Bluecalm: He thinks sitting at a desk is more like school. He really needs to be deschooled! I think he's forgetting about homework and realizing how nice it is our evenings can be spent together. I also don't think my dh considers that if my ODS had stayed in PS he would have been retained in kindergarten last year and in a resource class. He would have been in first grade in a special ed class instead of second grade like he is now. My little guy just turned 4 and he's learning so much.
Quoting MessedUpMama:

Try to get him to explain why he thinks they need to be up and dressed for school just like the other children.

 Why does he think that sitting at a desk would be better than sitting at the kitchen table?

Does he realize that they would both be doing homework every day after school, and that they would most likely be doing it after he gets home? (Children around here who ride the bus to school get home around 4:00, and have a couple of hours of homework everyday. Even in Kindergarten they have quite a bit of homework every day.)

If he is worried that they will not be "on grade level" with their work, tell him that that is the beauty of homeschooling. They get to work ahead of grade level if they want to, and they can take a bit longer if they need the time to actually learn it.

As long as you are not one of the "bad" homeschoolers who just let their children run amok, your children will learn things because you can take the time to make sure they know it, in public school they can't always take the time some children need to finally "get" it. Smart children can't always advance as fast as they need to either. Maybe if he actually thinks about why he believes those things he will come to see that he is really just allowing others (his co-workers for example) to tell him what to think when it comes to schooling his children.

 

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