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Bullying?

Posted by on Apr. 27, 2017 at 11:35 AM
  • 8 Replies
Hello friends, it's been a while!

I need some advice.

I have 4 kids, my oldest is 10. We met a mom and her son through a club. The first time meeting them my oldest and her son (who is I believe 8, same age as my second oldest son), did not get along. The mom apologized for the behavoir of her son who isn't very sensitive to other and could have had a hard time sharing a friend that he was use to having all to himself. My oldest was very frustrated with the situation. When we got home we discussed the situation and I asked my son to give him a second chance and get to know him before judging him, that perhaps he was having a hard time sharing his friend (as his mom suggested could be the issue).

The mom and son then started going to our P.E. class and park day and things started esculating when my boys were in the same class. The next incident my son had punched or hit....did something physical to the boy because the boy kept flipping off his baseball cap.

At the park each week her son kept coming up to us to report something my son had done, each time my son had reported a the reason and confessing what he had done.

The mom decided she would keep watch to see what was going on. I dexuded to let her handle it because I have 4 kids to watch (my 3 yr old being a handful).

This has been going in for a few months and since then my son has had other issues with other kids. One during co-op where he called a kid names, come to find later that that kids called him stupid for not knowing how to take a test. Another instance at awana club, I talked to the leaders and said that the other kids had been mean to my son and other kids as well. I have seen other instances where my kids has been rude (maybe not intentionally or maybe out of feeling insecure).

That being said, this mom wrote me and she believes that her son is being bullied and provoked by my son. She said that she has told her son to stay away from me aND asked me to talk to my son about what bullying is. My husband and I say down with our son and we asked him what was going on, and to please be honest, he was not going to get in trouble if he told the whole truth, we just wanted to fix the problem. My son said that he was being provoked by her son, but that he wasn't innocent either and also provoked him. He said it was mutual.

So, we told my son to not play with him either and my son was in tears because he felt bad about it all.

So, all that being said, I worry about my son. I am worried that he won't be able to hand conflict with friends very well. Already he hasn't been with several kids if he gets embarrassed, feels insecure or frustrated he handles things in the wrong way. He feels the need to be accepted and liked, I'm sure we all want that, but he does inappropriate behavoir when he is feeling that way.

Also, I believe he has adhd, like his dad. This is actually sometime the reason kids are put off by him, he gets really excited easily and reacts strongly to situation. I know he is labeled as weird sometimes.

So, I was wondering if anyone has been in this situation, and how they handled it?
by on Apr. 27, 2017 at 11:35 AM
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Replies (1-8):
Leissaintexas
by Silver Member on Apr. 28, 2017 at 9:30 AM
Social skills that seem innate with most of us have to be taught to some people. They literally cannot read other's cues, body language, etc. It's like Greek to them. Mostly this happens with things like high functioning autism, but of course, it's not limited to just that. My oldest was like this at that age. Lots and lots of behavior modification training, social training, and maybe a healthy dose of letting natural consequences taking its course. Oh, sure, it helped, but in the end my 27 yr old adult son is still the weird kid that most people don't "get" and he still has anger issues that often get him in trouble. Some of that is just who he is. He still has the same 4 friends he didn't make till he was 16, who are just as quirky as he is, who have their own weirdness about them.

It hurts to see our kids being rejected, one of the most painful things about raising that boy was him asking me why kids don't like him. "What's wrong with me? " I can't even type that without crying and it's been almost 20 years.

See if you can find a therapist who works specifically on these areas, role play with him, and be intentional about the friends you're making. Be choosy.
Precious333
by Julia on Apr. 28, 2017 at 11:54 AM
Thank you for your input! We have several new friends and he now finally has a best friend where the feeling is mutual, so I know he can make friends, but I also know that he is rejected quite easily. I have been thinking a lot about things and I think we honestly have too many activities with a large group and I don't think it's necessary and would be better to limit our time. It can be exhausting for everyone.

Quoting Leissaintexas: Social skills that seem innate with most of us have to be taught to some people. They literally cannot read other's cues, body language, etc. It's like Greek to them. Mostly this happens with things like high functioning autism, but of course, it's not limited to just that. My oldest was like this at that age. Lots and lots of behavior modification training, social training, and maybe a healthy dose of letting natural consequences taking its course. Oh, sure, it helped, but in the end my 27 yr old adult son is still the weird kid that most people don't "get" and he still has anger issues that often get him in trouble. Some of that is just who he is. He still has the same 4 friends he didn't make till he was 16, who are just as quirky as he is, who have their own weirdness about them.

It hurts to see our kids being rejected, one of the most painful things about raising that boy was him asking me why kids don't like him. "What's wrong with me? " I can't even type that without crying and it's been almost 20 years.

See if you can find a therapist who works specifically on these areas, role play with him, and be intentional about the friends you're making. Be choosy.
collinsmommy0
by Kim on Apr. 30, 2017 at 6:08 PM
My brother has severe add and he didn't have any friends growing up due to his impulsivity and not being able to take others perspectives.

Have you read Simon's Hook with him? It's all about how to react to bullying. It gives several strategies on how to react if someone is making fun of you (leave the area, make a joke about it, agree with the hook, etc) and is more involved then the typical 'find a friend' books. You can also get other books, like 'how to lose all your friends' (which has a happy ending) and 'king of the playground' to talk and role play different situations.

I think it's difficult when there are more kids, no matter who you are. More kids/people mean more of a likelihood of bullying and excluding going on.
Bebe11
by New Member on May. 2, 2017 at 7:19 PM

It sounds like you are a very conscientious mom.  At this age, boys and girls are experimenting with all kinds of behaviors, emotions, etc.  Bullying can continue well into adulthood, so it is best to give children the tools to recognize it and deal with it.  Keep the lines of communication open with your son and continue talking through some of the difficulties he is having.  Hang in there, sweet mommy!  

Precious333
by Julia on May. 4, 2017 at 2:43 PM
Thank you so much for the book recommendations!

Quoting collinsmommy0: My brother has severe add and he didn't have any friends growing up due to his impulsivity and not being able to take others perspectives.

Have you read Simon's Hook with him? It's all about how to react to bullying. It gives several strategies on how to react if someone is making fun of you (leave the area, make a joke about it, agree with the hook, etc) and is more involved then the typical 'find a friend' books. You can also get other books, like 'how to lose all your friends' (which has a happy ending) and 'king of the playground' to talk and role play different situations.

I think it's difficult when there are more kids, no matter who you are. More kids/people mean more of a likelihood of bullying and excluding going on.
Precious333
by Julia on May. 4, 2017 at 2:44 PM
1 mom liked this
Thank you!

Quoting Bebe11:

It sounds like you are a very conscientious mom.  At this age, boys and girls are experimenting with all kinds of behaviors, emotions, etc.  Bullying can continue well into adulthood, so it is best to give children the tools to recognize it and deal with it.  Keep the lines of communication open with your son and continue talking through some of the difficulties he is having.  Hang in there, sweet mommy!  

coala
by Gold Member on May. 6, 2017 at 7:51 PM

I have a child who is a social butterfly, but struggles with making "connections" with other kids.  We have even had reports from other kids that she is picking on another child.  It was even brought to my attention when I was dropping her off for skate camp a couple of years ago that she picked on another little girl so bad that the girls dad complained to the staff at the skating rink.  My SO was so angry that his DD was being a bully.  He was bullied as a child and he wasn't going to tolerate that kind of behavior.  At this same point in time she was being picked on by one of the girls she spent a lot of time with.  Once we severed that relationship my DD's attitude towards others has changed significantly.  For some reason that girl could get my DD to walk off a cliff and not think twice about it.  That actually scares me!!

The best thing you can do is to keep open lines of communication with your son about the way he handles himself in certain situations.

I know that we are currently experiencing an uptick in bullying on my kids team.  Mostly, because our coach has been out due to heart surgery and he doesn't tolerate this kind of behavior from the kids.  When we as parents realize what is going on we step in and pull the "followers" aside and talk to them (even if they aren't our kids) and remind them of what coach expects of them while he is away.  I have even sent a few texts to the coach to discuss these issues even though my kids haven't been involved directly.  I know when he gets back to us he is going to lose his mind trying to reign these kids back in.

Precious333
by Julia on May. 7, 2017 at 1:14 PM
1 mom liked this
That is a good point. Kids really do copy behavoir. I was explaining this to my husband, that even at age 10 he copies us and others. Behavoir is so contagious! I know that he has felt picked on before, or even felt as an outcast on many occasions. We have had many talks about not doing the same to other because he didn't like it being done to him. So far I haven't seen him excluding others the way he has felt excluded, but I have seen him pick on others just as I know he has been picked on. Also, he is very talkative, and he tends to tell me everything. If he doesn't and I ask he will tell me, thankfully. I hope he continue to communicate with me as he already does.

Quoting coala:

I have a child who is a social butterfly, but struggles with making "connections" with other kids.  We have even had reports from other kids that she is picking on another child.  It was even brought to my attention when I was dropping her off for skate camp a couple of years ago that she picked on another little girl so bad that the girls dad complained to the staff at the skating rink.  My SO was so angry that his DD was being a bully.  He was bullied as a child and he wasn't going to tolerate that kind of behavior.  At this same point in time she was being picked on by one of the girls she spent a lot of time with.  Once we severed that relationship my DD's attitude towards others has changed significantly.  For some reason that girl could get my DD to walk off a cliff and not think twice about it.  That actually scares me!!

The best thing you can do is to keep open lines of communication with your son about the way he handles himself in certain situations.

I know that we are currently experiencing an uptick in bullying on my kids team.  Mostly, because our coach has been out due to heart surgery and he doesn't tolerate this kind of behavior from the kids.  When we as parents realize what is going on we step in and pull the "followers" aside and talk to them (even if they aren't our kids) and remind them of what coach expects of them while he is away.  I have even sent a few texts to the coach to discuss these issues even though my kids haven't been involved directly.  I know when he gets back to us he is going to lose his mind trying to reign these kids back in.

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