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I REEEEEALLY Need Some Help on This One...

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K, so here's the big nerve wracker, especially since I'm about to have a son. How to put the weird bit....My father is an unhealthy man. No, I wasn't raped and whatever did happen is mostly a viciously uncomfortable blur, but our household was full of sexual tension to the point that the length of the shorts we wore to bed was regulated, we were taught masturbation was one of the worst things you could do in God's eyes and when it was discovered I was doing drugs in high school my father immediately started accusing me of whoring myself out to get them and demanding I tell him what I had done. (I hadn't, if you're wondering.) So now, my daughter pokes my breast when we're bathing and thinks it's hilarious and I feel dirty. What's the right way to do this? She notices my body and has started to explore her own, innocently, I know. She'll soon learn "the big difference" when her brother is born and I just wish I didn't get so damn uncomfortable with anything in this subject. How does your family handle nudity and different parts? I really need some input!!!!!!

by on Nov. 15, 2011 at 2:37 AM
Replies (41-50):
i.m.r.
by Member on Nov. 16, 2011 at 9:18 PM
2 moms liked this
Ok her daughter is 18 months old, not 6 or 7 or 10. It's not wrong to bathe with your baby. Because her daughter is still considered a baby not even a toddler. It's not sexual, it's bath/play time. The fact that YOU find it wrong is your opinion but not a fact and you shouldn't be making her feel like she's damaging her child because of it. They're not touching their child innappropriately, they're just bathing. Nudity is such a big deal in north America because the media and society has made nudity=sex, which is not the case. Nudity is natural. There is nothing wrong with it and it is only sexual if you make it sexual.

Septimus you are doing nothing wrong!!! You are going about this just fine and if you listen to SOME of the helpful advice given here you will have a very well adjusted comfortable daughter who will have all the knowledge she needs about her body, who will grow up with a positive self image, and who will be comfortable talking to you about anything going on with her body. Keep up the good mommying!!!!


Quoting murphymom08:

In your original post, Septimus, you also said:  "So now, my daughter pokes my breast when we're bathing and thinks it's hilarious and I feel dirty."

So, first you feel dirty, then you "love" the family time "no matter what".  It sounds to me like you are confused.  You are "being confusing" because you are trying to defend "family bath time."  Your first instinct, the one that told you that it was wrong to bathe with your child, was the right instinct.  

Admit or don't admit that you made a mistake getting naked with your 1 1/2 year old in the tub.  It doesn't matter to your daughter whether you tell the ladies on CafeMom whether you think it was right or not.  The important step here is that you realize that in the future you should not do it.  

Every mom makes mistakes.  EVERY MOM!  The happier moms, with happier children, learn from their mistakes and move on!

Quoting Septimus:

K, now I feel like I'm being confusing cuz I said "WHAT DO I DO?" and now I'm suddenly sure of myself in certain areas, but I don't think there's anything inappropraite about what we're doing. It's not like we encourage touching or are weird about it. Mostly it's suds and toys and sometimes we have to suddenly point out our noses. I love our family time no matter what we're doing, especially since it's so rare for all of us to get time together, I just don't want any weird stigmas. 


Quoting WaresWife:

I agree--it's time to stop bathing together. And a family bath isn't appropriate at all...



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
MommeeTo4
by Smart Mouth McGee on Nov. 16, 2011 at 9:54 PM
I.m.r.: I agree with you

Quoting i.m.r.:

Ok her daughter is 18 months old, not 6 or 7 or 10. It's not wrong to bathe with your baby. Because her daughter is still considered a baby not even a toddler. It's not sexual, it's bath/play time. The fact that YOU find it wrong is your opinion but not a fact and you shouldn't be making her feel like she's damaging her child because of it. They're not touching their child innappropriately, they're just bathing. Nudity is such a big deal in north America because the media and society has made nudity=sex, which is not the case. Nudity is natural. There is nothing wrong with it and it is only sexual if you make it sexual.



Septimus you are doing nothing wrong!!! You are going about this just fine and if you listen to SOME of the helpful advice given here you will have a very well adjusted comfortable daughter who will have all the knowledge she needs about her body, who will grow up with a positive self image, and who will be comfortable talking to you about anything going on with her body. Keep up the good mommying!!!!




Quoting murphymom08:

In your original post, Septimus, you also said:  "So now, my daughter pokes my breast when we're bathing and thinks it's hilarious and I feel dirty."

So, first you feel dirty, then you "love" the family time "no matter what".  It sounds to me like you are confused.  You are "being confusing" because you are trying to defend "family bath time."  Your first instinct, the one that told you that it was wrong to bathe with your child, was the right instinct.  

Admit or don't admit that you made a mistake getting naked with your 1 1/2 year old in the tub.  It doesn't matter to your daughter whether you tell the ladies on CafeMom whether you think it was right or not.  The important step here is that you realize that in the future you should not do it.  

Every mom makes mistakes.  EVERY MOM!  The happier moms, with happier children, learn from their mistakes and move on!

Quoting Septimus:

K, now I feel like I'm being confusing cuz I said "WHAT DO I DO?" and now I'm suddenly sure of myself in certain areas, but I don't think there's anything inappropraite about what we're doing. It's not like we encourage touching or are weird about it. Mostly it's suds and toys and sometimes we have to suddenly point out our noses. I love our family time no matter what we're doing, especially since it's so rare for all of us to get time together, I just don't want any weird stigmas. 



Quoting WaresWife:

I agree--it's time to stop bathing together. And a family bath isn't appropriate at all...




Posted on CafeMom Mobile
murphymom08
by New Member on Nov. 16, 2011 at 10:32 PM

First of all, i.m.r., I support 100% your right to express your opinion.  Sincerely, I do.  Because, in "North America", specifically in the U. S., in addition to an overactive media, we also have what is called Freedom of Speech.  You have the right to express your opinion.  Just as I have the right to express mine.  If you don't like my opinion, then state your opinion about the ORIGINAL POST, not my reply.  Please do not belittle me because I gave the poster my advice.   

No offense or anything, but your profile states that you are in your early 20s and your child is less than a year old.  You have less "mommying" experience than the original poster.  And, you have way less experience than me.  So, please, when you express yourself, remember to sprinkle it with some humility.  

Second, Septimus, I wrote my post based on what YOU said, not another mom's beliefs.  You asked for opinions and that's what you got.  Some people agree with each other, some don't.  That's life.  Like I said, I was going off of YOUR statements.  If your immediate, initial, shocked reaction was "dirty," then that's what you should go with.  You admittedly have issues from your own childhood.  If you continue down the path of uncertainty, you may make things worse for yourself psychologically, or make your child feel guilty or naughty because you are not handling this subject with decisiveness or confidence.    

Third, if you would rather have professional advice from a pediatrician, better yet a Fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics and the author of an "Everything" book, then please read the following:  

"Many parents stop this practice during the preschool to early school age years, but exactly when you stop has more to do with how a parent and child feel about the issue more than anything else. If either feel uncomfortable or want more privacy, then bathing and showering together should stop." - Vincent Iannelli, M.D., FAAP  http://pediatrics.about.com/od/weeklyquestion/a/05_showrng_tghr.htm

You were uncomfortable, so you should stop.  If you're still not sure, then why don't you ask your child's pediatrician for his/her opionion?  

Finally, i.m.r., in my defense, my children have no problem talking to me about ANYTHING, sexual or not.  I have raised my children to always express themselves, within respectful and appropriate boundaries.  One of those boundaries is NO FAMILY BATHS.  Jeesh!  Get a grip!  And, have a good day, eh!  

Quoting i.m.r.:

Ok her daughter is 18 months old, not 6 or 7 or 10. It's not wrong to bathe with your baby. Because her daughter is still considered a baby not even a toddler. It's not sexual, it's bath/play time. The fact that YOU find it wrong is your opinion but not a fact and you shouldn't be making her feel like she's damaging her child because of it. They're not touching their child innappropriately, they're just bathing. Nudity is such a big deal in north America because the media and society has made nudity=sex, which is not the case. Nudity is natural. There is nothing wrong with it and it is only sexual if you make it sexual.

Septimus you are doing nothing wrong!!! You are going about this just fine and if you listen to SOME of the helpful advice given here you will have a very well adjusted comfortable daughter who will have all the knowledge she needs about her body, who will grow up with a positive self image, and who will be comfortable talking to you about anything going on with her body. Keep up the good mommying!!!!


Quoting murphymom08:

In your original post, Septimus, you also said:  "So now, my daughter pokes my breast when we're bathing and thinks it's hilarious and I feel dirty."

So, first you feel dirty, then you "love" the family time "no matter what".  It sounds to me like you are confused.  You are "being confusing" because you are trying to defend "family bath time."  Your first instinct, the one that told you that it was wrong to bathe with your child, was the right instinct.  

Admit or don't admit that you made a mistake getting naked with your 1 1/2 year old in the tub.  It doesn't matter to your daughter whether you tell the ladies on CafeMom whether you think it was right or not.  The important step here is that you realize that in the future you should not do it.  

Every mom makes mistakes.  EVERY MOM!  The happier moms, with happier children, learn from their mistakes and move on!

Quoting Septimus:

K, now I feel like I'm being confusing cuz I said "WHAT DO I DO?" and now I'm suddenly sure of myself in certain areas, but I don't think there's anything inappropraite about what we're doing. It's not like we encourage touching or are weird about it. Mostly it's suds and toys and sometimes we have to suddenly point out our noses. I love our family time no matter what we're doing, especially since it's so rare for all of us to get time together, I just don't want any weird stigmas. 


Quoting WaresWife:

I agree--it's time to stop bathing together. And a family bath isn't appropriate at all...




Ashiopeia
by on Nov. 16, 2011 at 10:55 PM
2 moms liked this

advice is like a buffet.  you don't have to take the radishes.  

all i'd say is that in the long term it has seemed beneficial to me and my 3 older kids to call parts what they are.  Vagina is not "pussy" and Penis is not "cock".  there is nothing wrong with teaching them the terms their doctors are going to be using with them eventually. and no preschool teacher wants to have to carry a 'child'semantic dictionary" so they can tell that when your child really means when she says 'cookie' 'hoohaa' 'wee wee' 'pee pee' or whatever else.  no one wants to hear their child shout in public "girls have a vagina, boys have a penis!" but we also don't want to hear them shout "momma, why is that lady fat??" but it happens.  kids are kids.  

teaching your child(ren) about their body is not the same as teaching them about sex, so don't be afraid of it.  

although there is nothing wrong with co-bathing, i would agree that if you are uncomfortable you should at least stop until you've resolved your personal feelings so that you aren't doing further damage to yourself.  you don't need painful emotional associations with your daughter.

i.m.r.
by Member on Nov. 16, 2011 at 10:57 PM
Ok I wasn't belittling you I was shocked at how wrong you seemed to think it was. Your second post to op was far more helpful and less judgemental sounding. Also your obvious ageist attitude is just rude. I know nothing because I am in my early twenties. No life experience to
draw off of. And I absolutely hate the, your child is young and you're a new mom you have no idea what you're talking about crap. Just because one has been a mother for a long time does not make one a good mother or a better mother than a new mother (not talking about you or anyone on here just in general). I know many mothers who are much older than I am with much experience who are simply horrible as mothers. I think it's more about the person, not the experience. Also the second part of my reply wasn't directed towards you. I was just showing support for op. I don't know you or your kids. I wouldn't jump to conclusions about how adjusted your children are because I am not living in your house and around your family everyday. I just felt as though your initial post was kind of off target and a little harsh and extreme. I took it the wrong way and replied. I am sorry of you took offense but I definitely took offense to your condescending reply. And btw we don't actually say eh. It's a stereotype that often doesn't apply unless your from out east, just saying. Have a wonderful night!!!!


Quoting murphymom08:

First of all, i.m.r., I support 100% your right to express your opinion.  Sincerely, I do.  Because, in "North America", specifically in the U. S., in addition to an overactive media, we also have what is called Freedom of Speech.  You have the right to express your opinion.  Just as I have the right to express mine.  If you don't like my opinion, then state your opinion about the ORIGINAL POST, not my reply.  Please do not belittle me because I gave the poster my advice.   

No offense or anything, but your profile states that you are in your early 20s and your child is less than a year old.  You have less "mommying" experience than the original poster.  And, you have way less experience than me.  So, please, when you express yourself, remember to sprinkle it with some humility.  

Second, Septimus, I wrote my post based on what YOU said, not another mom's beliefs.  You asked for opinions and that's what you got.  Some people agree with each other, some don't.  That's life.  Like I said, I was going off of YOUR statements.  If your immediate, initial, shocked reaction was "dirty," then that's what you should go with.  You admittedly have issues from your own childhood.  If you continue down the path of uncertainty, you may make things worse for yourself psychologically, or make your child feel guilty or naughty because you are not handling this subject with decisiveness or confidence.    

Third, if you would rather have professional advice from a pediatrician, better yet a Fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics and the author of an "Everything" book, then please read the following:  

"Many parents stop this practice during the preschool to early school age years, but exactly when you stop has more to do with how a parent and child feel about the issue more than anything else. If either feel uncomfortable or want more privacy, then bathing and showering together should stop." - Vincent Iannelli, M.D., FAAP  http://pediatrics.about.com/od/weeklyquestion/a/05_showrng_tghr.htm

You were uncomfortable, so you should stop.  If you're still not sure, then why don't you ask your child's pediatrician for his/her opionion?  

Finally, i.m.r., in my defense, my children have no problem talking to me about ANYTHING, sexual or not.  I have raised my children to always express themselves, within respectful and appropriate boundaries.  One of those boundaries is NO FAMILY BATHS.  Jeesh!  Get a grip!  And, have a good day, eh!  


Quoting i.m.r.:

Ok her daughter is 18 months old, not 6 or 7 or 10. It's not wrong to bathe with your baby. Because her daughter is still considered a baby not even a toddler. It's not sexual, it's bath/play time. The fact that YOU find it wrong is your opinion but not a fact and you shouldn't be making her feel like she's damaging her child because of it. They're not touching their child innappropriately, they're just bathing. Nudity is such a big deal in north America because the media and society has made nudity=sex, which is not the case. Nudity is natural. There is nothing wrong with it and it is only sexual if you make it sexual.



Septimus you are doing nothing wrong!!! You are going about this just fine and if you listen to SOME of the helpful advice given here you will have a very well adjusted comfortable daughter who will have all the knowledge she needs about her body, who will grow up with a positive self image, and who will be comfortable talking to you about anything going on with her body. Keep up the good mommying!!!!




Quoting murphymom08:

In your original post, Septimus, you also said:  "So now, my daughter pokes my breast when we're bathing and thinks it's hilarious and I feel dirty."

So, first you feel dirty, then you "love" the family time "no matter what".  It sounds to me like you are confused.  You are "being confusing" because you are trying to defend "family bath time."  Your first instinct, the one that told you that it was wrong to bathe with your child, was the right instinct.  

Admit or don't admit that you made a mistake getting naked with your 1 1/2 year old in the tub.  It doesn't matter to your daughter whether you tell the ladies on CafeMom whether you think it was right or not.  The important step here is that you realize that in the future you should not do it.  

Every mom makes mistakes.  EVERY MOM!  The happier moms, with happier children, learn from their mistakes and move on!

Quoting Septimus:

K, now I feel like I'm being confusing cuz I said "WHAT DO I DO?" and now I'm suddenly sure of myself in certain areas, but I don't think there's anything inappropraite about what we're doing. It's not like we encourage touching or are weird about it. Mostly it's suds and toys and sometimes we have to suddenly point out our noses. I love our family time no matter what we're doing, especially since it's so rare for all of us to get time together, I just don't want any weird stigmas. 



Quoting WaresWife:

I agree--it's time to stop bathing together. And a family bath isn't appropriate at all...





Posted on CafeMom Mobile
TigressLily
by Member on Nov. 16, 2011 at 10:57 PM

Honestly, you should teach her not to touch your breasts and since she thinks it's funny etc. and is starting to notice herself, it's high time to teach her that her parts are hers, your parts are yours, etc.

Honestly, as long as they're someone close {like a female in my family or DH}, I don't care if they're in the bathroom with me while I'm on the toilet or taking a shower or bath. I take showers and baths with DH as well. When any of the kids in my family were around the age of 2-3, we started teaching them to keep their "parts" to theirselves and that they weren't supposed to look at ours etc.


Any time the subject or situation comes up, try to direct your attention elsewhere or keep telling yourself it's okay and not bad. Because it's not bad to be nude in front of your kid if they're under 4 {under 3 if they're being taught about nudity etc.}.

I have never once thought twice about being nude in front of my family {females only of course} and DH. If I was in the bath or shower, my brother or male cousin could come in if the curtain was pulled if they couldn't wait to pee {we only had one restroom}, and vice versa. It didn't bother me one bit. That's how we all grew up. I am going to be as open and honest as possible with my daughter and any future children I have. If they ask a question about sex, I'm going to answer them to the best of my ability {judging how much they should know at a certain age etc.} along with anything else. I will start teaching Abby to hide herself when she is 3, and that she shouldn't look at mommy while naked {not looking at daddy and daddy not looking at her will be a ground rule of course to teach her as early as possible about boys, and any boys I have will not be allowed to take baths with me/mommy after the age of 2}.

Besides just trying to keep your mind off of it or telling yourself it's okay, I really don't know anything else to suggest to help you get over this. I am sorry though that you were subjected to that sort of raising. I can't imagine it.



RutterMama
by Tia on Nov. 16, 2011 at 11:05 PM

I was raised in a couple different homes, so I understand the tension.

Here are how my family handles things... We have my husband, myself, a 4.5 year old son and a 1 year old daughter.

We are all very open, are naked in front of each other with no problem. However, I am starting to be more conservative with my son as he is getting older and starting to really notice differences. The two children are still baithing together. And my son does ask questions, I just answer honestly. He also showers with Daddy sometimes. We just try to not make a big deal about things.

rgba
by Member on Nov. 16, 2011 at 11:12 PM
I took baths with DS at that age because he was scared of the bath. He is now 2 1/2 and I would still bathe with him if he needed reassurance (he is ok alone now). He sleeps in a crib half the night and with us the rest. We are very open with him, but only as needed (e.g. I feel no need to overload him with everything at once). He understands body functions, like peeing and pooping. He knows that momma's "milkies" have. milk.
Bottom line is that we have no set rules, we just do what feels appropriate and logical. If you listen to your gut it goes a long way. My main focus is teaching him to be comfortable with asking questions.


Quoting Septimus:

18 months today!


Quoting WaresWife:

How old is your daughter?



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
usmchoney
by on Nov. 16, 2011 at 11:30 PM
1 mom liked this

My daughter is almost 3 and will still bathe with me at times. There is nothing wrong with it and do whatever works for your family, and just explain at her level and she will start to understand about personal space. My daughter will touch my boobs now and then and ask questions and all I tell her is mommy is a girl  and life goes on. Its not sexual just normal curiosity

murphymom08
by New Member on Nov. 16, 2011 at 11:33 PM

I stand by my experienced opinion and the professional opinion of a pediatrician.  

If either the child or parent feel that it's inappropriate, then it is.  

Mom said, "I feel dirty."  She needs to stop.  

Enough said.  

Sincerely, 

The rude Ageist.

 eye rolling

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