I have spent nearly 3 years with a man who I fell for, head over heels. I would do anything for him, all he need do is ask and it's done. However, he's done some things in the past that make me question him constantly. I've tried to forgive but it never leaves my mind. Every woman is a threat to me. Every hour he's disappeared and turned his phone off is another woman...even if it's just him hangin' out with his buddies. I don't know how to get past this. I don't want to lose him. I love him with all of my heart. I don't want to spend one day without him. But every time I hear "her" or "she" I automatically accuse and I can't stop myself. He's tried to make amends for his wrongdoings but I've been so devastated by them, I won't let him forget it. I don't know what to do anymore. I think he's going to leave me tomorrow bc I did it again tonight...in my defense, I've been a tad cranky due to a toothache that seems to be gettin' worse, but I still ruined Valentine's Day for us. It wasn't just me though. He cussed me, called me an "ignorant f***" and "stupid" and threw a bowl of corn and butter at me and it went everywhere. I never raised my voice. I said "and how do you know her" and he flipped and said "what? you think I f***** her too?" and then proceeded to disrespect my mother, who was on the phone, and left with a bottle of liquor til 3am. He tried to tell me he was drivin' around the mountain then sat in a field, but I don't believe him at all. I don't know what to do.
This is not an acceptable way for him to behave. No one ever has the right to assault and verbally abuse you. You need to let him know that this is not something you are willing to put up with. If you plan on staying with him, I strongly suggest counseling, but personally if I found myself in that situation, I would leave. If he hasn't hit you yet, it is only a matter of time.
I have been going to counseling for some similar problems in my marriage and it has really helped. Once your self esteem is restablished and you can trust him to be away from you for an evening without thinking he is fooling around things will be better for both of you. He is frustrated because he feels you are trying to keep him in a cage ( sound like that anyway) and you are threatened by his independence because you have made yourself so dependent on him and his approval. You Can't change him but you can change yourself and how you deal with him and those cahnges will spill over to change him It takes time. I have been working on my(our) issues for about 8 months now and I am seeing results in him And so is he/
Everybody says, "if I was in that kind of relationship, I would just leave." It's never that simple. I am a SAHM, working for myself, cleaning houses (making very little) just to have something to do. I have no money built up. My money comes from him. When he and I got together, I was working two jobs and never seeing my kids. But I had to do whatever it took to take care of them. After he moved in, I cut back to one job. Working 8:00-6:00 and not getting home until 7 was hard on my girls so we talked and we decided it was best for all of us if I just stayed home and did my little side business, part time. This takes NO time away from anybody and makes me always available. I am not the type of person to give up on anything or anyone. I don't ever put myself first, my needs come last..if at all. Maybe I'm not this strong, independent woman BUT I am a strong-willed, nurturing, never give up kinda woman. Maybe that makes me insane for staying with him but when I look at him and I know his past and see that NO ONE has ever really prayed for him, stood by him, stood up for him, took care of him...I know, in my heart, that I cannot give up on him. I know there is a good man in there bc I've seen it before. You know women b**** about the bad things and rarely tell the good stuff. There's definitely a lot of good stuff. I'm just tryin' to figure out how to see it again. What a therapist would tell me is that I'm constantly making excuses for his behavior and I know that I need to stand up and say, NO MORE. Shape up or ship out. I'm just afraid he might actually say, "fine. c-ya." I am 32 years old, a divorced mother of three and this is the first time in my entire life that I've ever actually been "in-love" with someone. I feel like I'm doin' it all wrong.
If he really loves you as much as you love him, he will shape up. If not, do you really think that he is worth putting your self at risk? How would you feel if your daughters were being treated like this? Are you married to this jerk?
Quoting Les_Kel:Everybody says, "if I was in that kind of relationship, I would just leave." It's never that simple. I am a SAHM, working for myself, cleaning houses (making very little) just to have something to do. I have no money built up. My money comes from him. When he and I got together, I was working two jobs and never seeing my kids. But I had to do whatever it took to take care of them. After he moved in, I cut back to one job. Working 8:00-6:00 and not getting home until 7 was hard on my girls so we talked and we decided it was best for all of us if I just stayed home and did my little side business, part time. This takes NO time away from anybody and makes me always available. I am not the type of person to give up on anything or anyone. I don't ever put myself first, my needs come last..if at all. Maybe I'm not this strong, independent woman BUT I am a strong-willed, nurturing, never give up kinda woman. Maybe that makes me insane for staying with him but when I look at him and I know his past and see that NO ONE has ever really prayed for him, stood by him, stood up for him, took care of him...I know, in my heart, that I cannot give up on him. I know there is a good man in there bc I've seen it before. You know women b**** about the bad things and rarely tell the good stuff. There's definitely a lot of good stuff. I'm just tryin' to figure out how to see it again. What a therapist would tell me is that I'm constantly making excuses for his behavior and I know that I need to stand up and say, NO MORE. Shape up or ship out. I'm just afraid he might actually say, "fine. c-ya." I am 32 years old, a divorced mother of three and this is the first time in my entire life that I've ever actually been "in-love" with someone. I feel like I'm doin' it all wrong.
The Lounge
No, we are not married. I was married for eleven years to my girls' father and he up and left me for another woman who he got pregnant 3 months after he split on us. I was actually smiling as my ex packed his stuff. I wanted him to go. My girls, his daughters, wanted him to go. I dated a little bit. But then, one day, this guy I've been friends with forever decides he is all about me. It took me a while to say yes to a date but then I did and we've been together every day since...August will be 3 yrs, so what's that? 2 and a half now? I fell for him hard. He's charming and funny and charismatic, so intelligent and filled with a ton of useless trivia that I find fascinating he knows. Anyway, he has lived with me for 2 years. I just want to know..how do I forgive and forget? Forgetting. That's the hardest part. Seems impossible. He has these little "fits" every now and again, like last night, but here lately, they seem to be more common than not. Seems like everything I do or say is wrong somehow and I don't know how to fix it. I don't want to hold him back and I know that he's gonna do what he's gonna do regardless of my wanting to know his every move.(BUT he also lies about where he is sometimes and then I have people calling me, telling me, "hey-uhh..ur man is here at ...." Even after he's busted in a lie, he continues to lie. I'm really starting to wonder if he's got some kind of pathological disorder or something. He says it's easier to lie than to hear me b**** at him about it. I know this all sounds completely ridiculous and y'all are probably thinkin' I'm a total nutbag, but I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to face the heartache of losing him. He hasn't said it, but he's the same way...he tells me all the time that he doesn't know why I'm still around bc he knows he's not the best to me and he says I deserve better but he tries (he says) and will never leave unless I tell him to go. You know, maybe I am crazy. Certifiable. Insane. Nutjob.I don't know.
When you say that he is blowing up at you more and more, that is what worries me. He assaulted you. He is verbally abusing you. If you both want to keep it together, you need to seek help, if not I am afraid that your next post is going to be about how be blacked your eye. I am not saying this because I am being judgemental or condescending, I just don't want to see you get hurt. I don't want your girls to think that this is how love should be.
Quoting Les_Kel:No, we are not married. I was married for eleven years to my girls' father and he up and left me for another woman who he got pregnant 3 months after he split on us. I was actually smiling as my ex packed his stuff. I wanted him to go. My girls, his daughters, wanted him to go. I dated a little bit. But then, one day, this guy I've been friends with forever decides he is all about me. It took me a while to say yes to a date but then I did and we've been together every day since...August will be 3 yrs, so what's that? 2 and a half now? I fell for him hard. He's charming and funny and charismatic, so intelligent and filled with a ton of useless trivia that I find fascinating he knows. Anyway, he has lived with me for 2 years. I just want to know..how do I forgive and forget? Forgetting. That's the hardest part. Seems impossible. He has these little "fits" every now and again, like last night, but here lately, they seem to be more common than not. Seems like everything I do or say is wrong somehow and I don't know how to fix it. I don't want to hold him back and I know that he's gonna do what he's gonna do regardless of my wanting to know his every move.(BUT he also lies about where he is sometimes and then I have people calling me, telling me, "hey-uhh..ur man is here at ...." Even after he's busted in a lie, he continues to lie. I'm really starting to wonder if he's got some kind of pathological disorder or something. He says it's easier to lie than to hear me b**** at him about it. I know this all sounds completely ridiculous and y'all are probably thinkin' I'm a total nutbag, but I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to face the heartache of losing him. He hasn't said it, but he's the same way...he tells me all the time that he doesn't know why I'm still around bc he knows he's not the best to me and he says I deserve better but he tries (he says) and will never leave unless I tell him to go. You know, maybe I am crazy. Certifiable. Insane. Nutjob.I don't know.
Quoting Les_Kel:
Everybody says, "if I was in that kind of relationship, I would just leave." It's never that simple. I am a SAHM, working for myself, cleaning houses (making very little) just to have something to do. I have no money built up. My money comes from him. When he and I got together, I was working two jobs and never seeing my kids. But I had to do whatever it took to take care of them. After he moved in, I cut back to one job. Working 8:00-6:00 and not getting home until 7 was hard on my girls so we talked and we decided it was best for all of us if I just stayed home and did my little side business, part time. This takes NO time away from anybody and makes me always available. I am not the type of person to give up on anything or anyone. I don't ever put myself first, my needs come last..if at all. Maybe I'm not this strong, independent woman BUT I am a strong-willed, nurturing, never give up kinda woman. Maybe that makes me insane for staying with him but when I look at him and I know his past and see that NO ONE has ever really prayed for him, stood by him, stood up for him, took care of him...I know, in my heart, that I cannot give up on him. I know there is a good man in there bc I've seen it before. You know women b**** about the bad things and rarely tell the good stuff. There's definitely a lot of good stuff. I'm just tryin' to figure out how to see it again. What a therapist would tell me is that I'm constantly making excuses for his behavior and I know that I need to stand up and say, NO MORE. Shape up or ship out. I'm just afraid he might actually say, "fine. c-ya." I am 32 years old, a divorced mother of three and this is the first time in my entire life that I've ever actually been "in-love" with someone. I feel like I'm doin' it all wrong.
No I don't agree that you should leave. I rarely vote for divorce. I think a good therapist can help you work on you and your issues not him. Read" Living Successfully with Screwed up People" I think it could help There is also a book called "Boundaries" you will find it in the christian section at Barnes and Nobles or amybe at the library. Thsi help you see where you can set boundaries not ultimatums and how it will help you create a more loving relationship. Good luck
Quoting Kodysmommy928:This is not an acceptable way for him to behave. No one ever has the right to assault and verbally abuse you. You need to let him know that this is not something you are willing to put up with. If you plan on staying with him, I strongly suggest counseling, but personally if I found myself in that situation, I would leave. If he hasn't hit you yet, it is only a matter of time.
I agree -there are a lot of red flags here op. I am concerned for your safety. You need counseling at a bare minimum... Throwing things at you, cursing at you, etc... Are just not OK. You deserve better than those behaviors.
Quoting Kris_PBG:Quoting Kodysmommy928:This is not an acceptable way for him to behave. No one ever has the right to assault and verbally abuse you. You need to let him know that this is not something you are willing to put up with. If you plan on staying with him, I strongly suggest counseling, but personally if I found myself in that situation, I would leave. If he hasn't hit you yet, it is only a matter of time.
I agree -there are a lot of red flags here op. I am concerned for your safety. You need counseling at a bare minimum... Throwing things at you, cursing at you, etc... Are just not OK. You deserve better than those behaviors.
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- Les_Kel
on Feb. 15, 2012 at 3:38 AM