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Would you leave you DH if

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He never wanted to he sex? I mean I have tried everything I can think of. We are in counseling because of it. I just dont understand. I'm not ugly or anything. I take care of myself. I take care of the kids. And clean the house. Yada yada. I have tried to talk about. He refuses to talk with me. I know sex is an important part of a relationship and should not be the biggest or built on it. Whatever. But if he always rejected you and never wanted to make love to you and you had a complete lack of intimacy. Would you leave if nothing changed?
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by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 3:56 PM
Replies (11-20):
spicy_n_sweet
by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 4:20 PM

For me. If it had been consistently going on (again with trying everything in my power to fix it and him just not willing to change) for 2-3  years. I'd be out of here. No way could I live like that more than 2, 3 years MAX. I'd probably be gone before year 3 hit.

Quoting Mehganh:

How many years? It's already been a year and a half.


Quoting spicy_n_sweet:

  If the issue had been addressed repeatedly (like over a span of a few  years) and nothing changed and there was not a medical reason for it.  Yep I would leave.



Mehganh
by Member on Apr. 22, 2012 at 4:24 PM
Ya. I'm thinking about it. A lot. And I hate that. But I don't know what to do. I have seriously tried all I can think of. And anytime I try an talk about it he just gets mad and walks away. Or he'll tell me we can talk about in counseling. Which we have. But he says "I'll work on it." but nothing is changing. And I don't understand why he just doesnt want to. I mean what guy needs to work on having sex? We use to all the time. And now. It's like maybe once every 2-3 months.


Quoting spicy_n_sweet:

For me. If it had been consistently going on (again with trying everything in my power to fix it and him just not willing to change) for 2-3  years. I'd be out of here. No way could I live like that more than 2, 3 years MAX. I'd probably be gone before year 3 hit.


Quoting Mehganh:

How many years? It's already been a year and a half.





Quoting spicy_n_sweet:

  If the issue had been addressed repeatedly (like over a span of a few  years) and nothing changed and there was not a medical reason for it.  Yep I would leave.





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spicy_n_sweet
by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 4:29 PM

I'm not a total bitch (lol), I understand that men have issues that affect their sex drive just like women do. I know men's sex drive changes with age just like women's do (we are both in our mid 40's and together 20 years, I've seen ups and downs.. lol). However, the issue for me would be this. Even if he can't perform for medical reasons, there are many other ways to share and explore sexual intimacy and sexual pleasure together. Many ways to stay sexually connected and intimately connected to one another. If my partner refused to address the issues, refused to explore new ways to experience sexual pleasure together, and to make it worse there were no medical issues he just didn't want to. I would leave. I would be miserable, I would be so unhappy in a relationship like that. I would feel rejected, unwanted, unloved, like I wasn't desired or desirable at all, like there were other issues that weren't being addressed, and so many other things I'm sure. I just wouldn't be able to live like that.

Quoting Mehganh:

Ya. I'm thinking about it. A lot. And I hate that. But I don't know what to do. I have seriously tried all I can think of. And anytime I try an talk about it he just gets mad and walks away. Or he'll tell me we can talk about in counseling. Which we have. But he says "I'll work on it." but nothing is changing. And I don't understand why he just doesnt want to. I mean what guy needs to work on having sex? We use to all the time. And now. It's like maybe once every 2-3 months.


Quoting spicy_n_sweet:

For me. If it had been consistently going on (again with trying everything in my power to fix it and him just not willing to change) for 2-3  years. I'd be out of here. No way could I live like that more than 2, 3 years MAX. I'd probably be gone before year 3 hit.


Quoting Mehganh:

How many years? It's already been a year and a half.





Quoting spicy_n_sweet:

  If the issue had been addressed repeatedly (like over a span of a few  years) and nothing changed and there was not a medical reason for it.  Yep I would leave.






Mehganh
by Member on Apr. 22, 2012 at 4:33 PM
That is exactly how I feel. Ugh. I want to work it out because we have kids. But I don't now how much longer I can go on feeling this way...


Quoting spicy_n_sweet:

I'm not a total bitch (lol), I understand that men have issues that affect their sex drive just like women do. I know men's sex drive changes with age just like women's do (we are both in our mid 40's and together 20 years, I've seen ups and downs.. lol). However, the issue for me would be this. Even if he can't perform for medical reasons, there are many other ways to share and explore sexual intimacy and sexual pleasure together. Many ways to stay sexually connected and intimately connected to one another. If my partner refused to address the issues, refused to explore new ways to experience sexual pleasure together, and to make it worse there were no medical issues he just didn't want to. I would leave. I would be miserable, I would be so unhappy in a relationship like that. I would feel rejected, unwanted, unloved, like I wasn't desired or desirable at all, like there were other issues that weren't being addressed, and so many other things I'm sure. I just wouldn't be able to live like that.


Quoting Mehganh:

Ya. I'm thinking about it. A lot. And I hate that. But I don't know what to do. I have seriously tried all I can think of. And anytime I try an talk about it he just gets mad and walks away. Or he'll tell me we can talk about in counseling. Which we have. But he says "I'll work on it." but nothing is changing. And I don't understand why he just doesnt want to. I mean what guy needs to work on having sex? We use to all the time. And now. It's like maybe once every 2-3 months.





Quoting spicy_n_sweet:

For me. If it had been consistently going on (again with trying everything in my power to fix it and him just not willing to change) for 2-3  years. I'd be out of here. No way could I live like that more than 2, 3 years MAX. I'd probably be gone before year 3 hit.



Quoting Mehganh:

How many years? It's already been a year and a half.








Quoting spicy_n_sweet:

  If the issue had been addressed repeatedly (like over a span of a few  years) and nothing changed and there was not a medical reason for it.  Yep I would leave.









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JadeStorm
by New Member on Apr. 22, 2012 at 4:33 PM

No. I went through that. Come to find out he had a low level of testosterone. Meds for a while and now all OK :)

ariesp19
by Member on Apr. 22, 2012 at 4:33 PM

 if he never wanted sex, never made the attempt, refused to talk to me about it, had no health issues.... yes, i think i might.... sex may not be 'teh' most impotant part, but it IS important.. you have needs, and hes refusing to even try to meet them.... thats a form of neglect....

i dont get why hes attempting counsoling, but then refuses to talk aboutit.....

ariesp19
by Member on Apr. 22, 2012 at 4:38 PM

 id also feel neglected... not meeting your spouses sexual/physical needs for 18 months like this is a form of neglect... has he seen a dr? 'ill work on it' does not fix the issue.... why isnt he addressing what the issue is? is he jiust in the mood? does he watch porn? does he take care of himself?

im not one to nix porn, hubby uses it, but when it starts to interfear in the couples sex life, i do think things need to be done

whats your thearpist say? should they be telling him that they cant help if hes keeping his mouth shut

 

Quoting Mehganh:

That is exactly how I feel. Ugh. I want to work it out because we have kids. But I don't now how much longer I can go on feeling this way...


Quoting spicy_n_sweet:

I'm not a total bitch (lol), I understand that men have issues that affect their sex drive just like women do. I know men's sex drive changes with age just like women's do (we are both in our mid 40's and together 20 years, I've seen ups and downs.. lol). However, the issue for me would be this. Even if he can't perform for medical reasons, there are many other ways to share and explore sexual intimacy and sexual pleasure together. Many ways to stay sexually connected and intimately connected to one another. If my partner refused to address the issues, refused to explore new ways to experience sexual pleasure together, and to make it worse there were no medical issues he just didn't want to. I would leave. I would be miserable, I would be so unhappy in a relationship like that. I would feel rejected, unwanted, unloved, like I wasn't desired or desirable at all, like there were other issues that weren't being addressed, and so many other things I'm sure. I just wouldn't be able to live like that.


Quoting Mehganh:

Ya. I'm thinking about it. A lot. And I hate that. But I don't know what to do. I have seriously tried all I can think of. And anytime I try an talk about it he just gets mad and walks away. Or he'll tell me we can talk about in counseling. Which we have. But he says "I'll work on it." but nothing is changing. And I don't understand why he just doesnt want to. I mean what guy needs to work on having sex? We use to all the time. And now. It's like maybe once every 2-3 months.





Quoting spicy_n_sweet:

For me. If it had been consistently going on (again with trying everything in my power to fix it and him just not willing to change) for 2-3  years. I'd be out of here. No way could I live like that more than 2, 3 years MAX. I'd probably be gone before year 3 hit.



Quoting Mehganh:

How many years? It's already been a year and a half.








Quoting spicy_n_sweet:

  If the issue had been addressed repeatedly (like over a span of a few  years) and nothing changed and there was not a medical reason for it.  Yep I would leave.




 



 


 

SARA







Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

spicy_n_sweet
by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 4:39 PM

I understand having kids and wanting it to work out. But, I'll share something as a mother of an adult child (my only).  Kids really and truly do know more and sense more than we ever fully accept as adults/as their parents. Children know and feel love, respect, understanding, compassion, companionship, and happiness. No matter how hard we try to pretend and make everything look good for our kids. They eventually know and feel the reality of their family life. No matter how hard we as parents try to make it seem like everything is okay and that we are happy.  Also keep this in  mind. You and your husband are setting the example for your children in regards to what a relationship/marriage is and should be like. You guys are showing them daily  by example how two people who love one another should view and treat one another. You guys are showing them daily what not only to expect and accept in their partners in adult relationships, but also how they should conduct themselves as the other half  the other partner of an adult relationship.  So, if you do in the end decide to stay for the kids, if nothing changes. Always keep these things in the back of your mind. 

Quoting Mehganh:

That is exactly how I feel. Ugh. I want to work it out because we have kids. But I don't now how much longer I can go on feeling this way...


Quoting spicy_n_sweet:

I'm not a total bitch (lol), I understand that men have issues that affect their sex drive just like women do. I know men's sex drive changes with age just like women's do (we are both in our mid 40's and together 20 years, I've seen ups and downs.. lol). However, the issue for me would be this. Even if he can't perform for medical reasons, there are many other ways to share and explore sexual intimacy and sexual pleasure together. Many ways to stay sexually connected and intimately connected to one another. If my partner refused to address the issues, refused to explore new ways to experience sexual pleasure together, and to make it worse there were no medical issues he just didn't want to. I would leave. I would be miserable, I would be so unhappy in a relationship like that. I would feel rejected, unwanted, unloved, like I wasn't desired or desirable at all, like there were other issues that weren't being addressed, and so many other things I'm sure. I just wouldn't be able to live like that.


ariesp19
by Member on Apr. 22, 2012 at 4:47 PM

 

Quoting Mehganh:

It is not medical. He was tested for just about everything. He uses excuses. It's been over a year. We went 4 1/2 months with no sex no cuddling. No nothing! And he didn't even notice. The only reason we did after that long is because I freaked out. It's not just, oh he said no tonight. It's like he says no always! And I don't mean sex only when I say intimacy. I mean ALL levels of intimacy. Talking, cuddling, hand holding, kissing. Everything.

 things with my dh arnt this bad, however, i know what you mean... dh says no at least half the time, sometimes more.... im at the point i try not to ask... .that being said, we read the 5 laungages of love a few months ago, and hes getting much better.... from what he said, my 'nagging' him about our sex life left him feeling 'put out' and that he was neglectin gme(he kinda was)and that he hated being nagged about sex... however, after reading it, and finding out that my first 'laungage' is physical touch, he learned that its not just SEX that i was lacking.. it was all around intemency.... cuddles, a simple kiss when he got home, holding hands... he also realized that my second was quality time.... watching a movie togeather, cooking togeather.... not him playing on his i phone, and me browsing cafe mom cause hes busy..... he thought that was good.... his first is acts of service.... im a sahm so this is easy for me, he wrights me a todo list(no comments, this works for us)when he leaves for work, and i do my best to get the things on the list done... this has helped so that im not busting butt all day doing things and him cxome home and not notice and not care, caues the things he had hoped were done werent... i now do the things he wants done fist(well, second, kids first)... he also understands if i cant do the whole list if the kids or i are sick..... his second is words of affirmation... he likes being thanked for what he does, and told i love him as often as i can, and things like that

so far, its helped a lot for him to 'get' that things were JUST bout sex(most our fights centerd around sex, but it wasnt just that)... it was about me feeling like my physical needs werent being met......

part of it is also that were raised to think men are always ready for sex, and always wanting it... so when im told no, its like 'whats wrong with me, yoru a guy, your supposed to always want it, why am i not good enough'..... but its just not true, many men are LESS sexual then women.... in fact, at least half the couples i know(probably more then half)the women is the more sexual of the two.....

but 3-4 MONTHS..... thats kinda crazy

SARA







Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

aschwarz06
by on Apr. 22, 2012 at 4:48 PM
To be honest I have a really low sex drive so if dh never water it it would be great. Is never have to worry about it.
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