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I am SOOO confused, conflicted, upset!

Posted by on Jul. 13, 2012 at 3:43 PM
  • 11 Replies

My husband and I have been ttc on and off again for the past year. I have PCOS and am currently taking meds for it, so it's hard. Anyways he outright tells me this morning that we can't afford another baby. Until we get all of our debt cleared, 4 yrs. He thinks he will too old (currently 32) to have another baby. I'm only 27 and I know how much babies cost... As they grow it gets cheaper. *sigh* I'm so full of emotions right now and don't know how to act upon them.

Thanks for the support ladies : ) Yes we did talk and it seems that my husband is a little nervous going to my ob appt next week. It's a new doctor who specializes in PCOS and fertility. Along with taking a feritlity med there is a chance of having multiples. He doesn't think we could afford having multiples. So he's a little stressed with that idea. We do have a budget... and I do keep a balanced ledger of what's going out vs in. Our kiddo maybe starting 1/2 days of preschool soon. Hopefully, I can find a part time job : ) I would love to get out of the house and socialize again w/ other adults. Perk is getting paid for that time.

As for the "as they grow it gets cheaper." You guys are really hooked on that phrase lol. I had to formula feed my dd, baby, food, crib, changing table, creams, thermometers, bath tubs, special shampoo, special dreft detergent, bottles, diapers, swings, wipes, doctors appts (shots)  pack n play... The first kiddo is expensive b/c you really don't know what you're in for, so you buy everything. Now that we have all of those things; yeah, it will be cheaper. I can kind of predict my daughter size for the seasons, so when there is a sale. I stock up : ) I only paid $4 on 2 brand new winter coats for her, size 10 princess snow boots $5, pj's for the next 2 yrs for $2 a pc.... In my opinion, that's cheaper. Save on gas, money and time.

by on Jul. 13, 2012 at 3:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MamaXRandi
by on Jul. 13, 2012 at 5:15 PM

 Ahhh sorry.  I don't know what your income is like, do you work or are you planning to work after baby? 
Not knowing details I would say try finding a time that both of you are relaxed (not right when he walks in the door, tried that, its not good! haha) and ask him to explain his thoughts and you explain how much having another one means to you.  Possibly do a budget together for the next couple years.  Possibly compromise on 2 years, not 4? 
Good luck.

Kris_PBG
by Representative on Jul. 13, 2012 at 5:31 PM
How many kiddos do you have? What kind of debt do you have? Hugs...
LML1
by Kristy on Jul. 13, 2012 at 7:06 PM

A mortgage and a little bit of credit card debit. I am a sahm (our choice.) We only have one child and she's 2 going on 3.

Quoting Kris_PBG:

How many kiddos do you have? What kind of debt do you have? Hugs...


LML1
by Kristy on Jul. 13, 2012 at 7:10 PM

That's what I am doing. I also told him that I really don't want to speak to him until I have time to think about everything. I'm on hormone meds right now (go figure) to help me ovulate. And I don't want to say anything that I'll regret....

Quoting MamaXRandi:

 Ahhh sorry.  I don't know what your income is like, do you work or are you planning to work after baby? 
Not knowing details I would say try finding a time that both of you are relaxed (not right when he walks in the door, tried that, its not good! haha) and ask him to explain his thoughts and you explain how much having another one means to you.  Possibly do a budget together for the next couple years.  Possibly compromise on 2 years, not 4? 
Good luck.


MamaXRandi
by on Jul. 13, 2012 at 7:29 PM

 Well sounds like you are being very mature and rational.  My best advice is wait until you are clear on what you want, are calm and can listen to his side (fully, really listen) and then ask for a compromise of some kind. 
I have really learned a lot from our diffulculties and the best thing I have learned is that I never really listened to his side of things.  I would listen long enough to fight back. 

Now, I would try to repeat what he said, so he knows I understand and then say "I respect your concern for our finances.  Here is where I am at with it..."  Men want to be mostly resepcted in the relationship.  Good luck, let us know how it works out.

Randi
Wife to Ryan ~ Mama to Jax (4)

lindilouwho82
by on Jul. 13, 2012 at 7:58 PM

It gets cheaper as they get older? How much older do they have to be for it to get "cheap"? Mine is eight and it still costs and arm and a leg to raise her (clothes, food, extracurricular activities, school supplies and clubs, shoes..etc, etc.)

I think your husband and you are being reasonable, maybe adoption in a few years will be easier than having one traditionally? To be honest men in their 40's produce healthy children and women in their 50's, though the older you get the riskier a pregnancy tends to be.

Are you sure he does not want another child only because of the debt and finances? Or is there a possibility that there could be something more to his decision?

Kris_PBG
by Representative on Jul. 13, 2012 at 8:15 PM
Quoting LML1:




Oh goodness - he's including mortgage? That is called life - not debt! (lol- i know it is debt - but you know what I mean!)

Is he flexible? I mean, sure, paying off the credit card is definitely a good idea, but that hardly seems like a reason to put off a child you have already been trying for...

I wonder if there is something else at work here... Time for a serious heart to heart talk I think...
Kmakksmom
by Stefanie on Jul. 13, 2012 at 10:17 PM

Good Luck to you!  I think you should just sit down and write out a list of pros and cons and then talk with him about each and see what he says.

the4mutts
by on Jul. 14, 2012 at 12:43 AM
I'm sorry for your struggle, and I'm sure the hormones aren't helping *hugz*
Sounds like hubby might be just as frustrated as you are, but making excuses. Maybe with your hormones and stress, he's afraid to voice his real opinion, for fear of making it worse. Men can be funny that way, am-i-right? LoL
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familyfirst002
by on Jul. 14, 2012 at 8:09 AM
As they grow they don't get cheaper! They are EXPENSIVE! Maybe you both
Need to go over all your bills and start doing a budget as well. Have you asked your husband his reason why he came up with this idea?

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