Not really sure how to title this, but need some advice woman to woman...
So I'm a new member on Cafe Mom and am loving all of the ladies on here and all of the help that you all offer. I have a strange situation, or at least most of it is strange to me anyways. I have been put in some pretty awful situations that I never would have dreamed being a part of and what's worse is it's with my husband. I just don't know what I've done to deserve any of this and really need some honest and caring advice. Please, before you read this, know that I am very fragile at this moment and close to breaking. These issues have created some serious instability in myself that I am for sure not used to, but quite seriously do not have the faintest idea how to deal with. I lost all of my girlfriends right around the time that they all found out I was pregnant, and I have made one new friend that has a son one year older than mine, but her husband is my husband's best friend so I really can't talk to her about any of this and get a genuine response from her on what she thinks I should do.
The past six months have been a strange journey for me like I was saying, and it's almost like I'm in the twilight zone... I recently found out a month or so ago, that my husband was using really bad drugs. He was doing them with some guys he had known in high school that just appeared back in his life all of a sudden. He was doing them in the evening with these guys instead of coming home, and then would lie to me when I would ask him abou tit because I could tell he wasn't being himself. He was a really horrible person for months because of these drugs, he was very inconsiderate, uncaring, selfish, etc. to me, but was also not very nice to our son either. He would get very impatient with him and wouldn't ever play with him. He would start rocking him and then leave him in the rocker in the dark by himself to come get me and tell me that I needed to rock him. I would go get my son and turn the lights on dim and he would be crying and say that daddy was mad at him. It was so terrible, I can't even explain it.
On the weekend of Mother's Day, one of these guys he was doing the drugs with told me what was going on in so many words because I had sent him a txt telling him that I knew they were up to something I was going to leave my husband because of it. So when I received the message back stating what they were doing and how sorry he was for introducing it to him, I confronted my husband and he started the process of quitting the drug which involved some serious withdrawals. So my Mother's Day was completely ruined. Then things started to look up and he's been clean since then, but he's been really mean to me because I haven't just completly given myself back to him yet. I have explained to him that it's a matter of feeling like I can trust him etc., and he gets so furious and says all of these terrible things to me and then threatens to leave me! I mean, can anyone else understand what it would be like thinking back to when he was doing this stuff and not knowing about it while he's out driving my 2 year old around in his truck?! He was passing out at dinner when we were at restaurants, wouldn't come home until 11 or later sometimes and then would lie to me about why. Then today he really upset me because I got upset with him over something this morning, and let me explain my upset behavior so you understand, I basically get very quiet and start cleaning because I am extremely depressed and have a form of OCD that I can keep under control in most circumstances, but it's very hard when I am very stressed or something has upset me. I have been taking an antidepressant since last November because his first child was living with us and hates me and our son, and went around telling his teacher and his karate instructor and his grandparents that I was doing all of these terrible things to him that I absolutely WAS NOT, and pretty much almost got me taken away from my family because he wants to have his dad back all to himself, the kid even said he wished that my son was dead and that his dad had never met me! This was such a traumatic experience for me I started have full on panic attacks for the first time in my life, I was so depressed I was suicidal, and so much more. So my husband tells me this morning that I need to take my medicine because I was upset with him! I am at the point where I want to pack mine and my son's things and move out of town for a while just to get grounded again and be in a positive environment. I'm so sick of him trying to manipulate me into believing it's all my fault, lie to me, blame everything on God's green earth on me, and he is so hurtful and truly doesn't seem to care! He also has a bad habit of telling me what I am thinking and what I want, for example, he tells me all the time that I don't want him, and that I would rather not be married, that I don't love him, etc. Doesn't that usually mean that he is projecting his actual feelings on to me???? HELP PLEASE I feel like running away.